Caught my boyfriend snooping

[WantedAloud]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and well things are ok.... our sex life has definitely been struggling lately. I did some snooping which is bad, I know but I found out he has been looking at "Craigslist ads."

I am disgusted mainly because I would never suspect. I am extremely mad and just want to confront him but then I will look like the bad guy since I went into his stuff

What to do...

 

[AstareGod]

Well.... you've gotten to the point where you don't trust him anymore, and you snooped and found something. You've pretty much got two options:

1) Pretend you didn't snoop, and hope your relationship gets better

2) Admit to the snooping, and hope that your confession doesn't destroy his trust in you

He may have just done some harmless looking at ads and may have no intentions at all to follow through, but there's no way for you to know that for sure unless you ask him. It's very, very unhealthy to try to analyze the situation yourself. You'll worry yourself sick.

I suggest you ask him what his intentions were on looking at the ads. They may have been out of curiosity, or he may have done so because there's a problem in your relationship that he may not have felt comfortable opening up about. Perhaps this will give you an opportunity to discuss it.

If you two talk through things, figure out what you both are going to do if you find yourselves in this situation again. Do you think you can trust him again? Can he trust you again? If not, it may be best to break things off now, because things will probably not get better if you don't trust one another.

Best of luck and keep us updated!

 

[WantedAloud]

I'm screwed either way... I always push for sex if I dont he doesnt even bother and him looking at those ads only make me feel worst. If I bring it up I'm going to look bad...

 

[Seasoned]

Talk to him about your sex life and how you feel about it. Start there. Unbalanced sex desire is a problem. If he's not willing to talk I don't see much hope for the relationship. If the two of you aren't able to come to a resolution seek couple's counseling.

 

[bruce379]

Keep it to yourself first. Don't bring up CL. He is still entitled to his own privacy.
When the two of you are in bed together, ask him, "We're not having good sex anymore. Is something the matter, baby? Can we talk about it?" Try to do it that way first. Don't try to make any sudden moves that can threaten a relationship.

Perhaps he wants variety? Then be open to accommodating him. "Do you want a threesome? ...Ok, then let's look for someone we both like. It can only be a one-off thing." I wouldn't want to go this far yet. Try figuring things out first what is the cause of your declining sex life. Find out what the cause is and then try to fix it.

 

[cluelessdate]

I was in a somewhat similar situation. You should talk to your boyfriend.

The right to privacy does not mean he's allowed to overstep the boundary of a monogamous relationship. Don't get mad at him, you must sit down and talk to him about this. I think you two have a problems if you lack sex and you don't understand why. If anything I've learned over the years, bad communication is the bane to a relationship.

 

[tangential]

As long as we're not talking about habitually keeping tabs on your b/f, a little snooping in a relationship is like farting in bed. It's unattractive but it happens. Have a talk and stick to the issue at hand: your sex life and how it makes you feel, and might as well bring up the CL ads and how that makes you feel. Don't throw around accusations. Don't worry about how you look and don't hold on to 'dirt' to drag out later. Do be honest and clear about how you feel and what you want from your b/f.

 

[KaraBulut]

our sex life has definitely been struggling lately. I did some snooping which is bad, I know but I found out he has been looking at "Craigslist ads."

The snooping was wrong. But you went snooping because there was a problem that the two of you haven't dealt with- the lack of communication about something that is wrong with your relationship.

If he's screwing around on the side, that may cause a problem in the relationship. Faulty communication is guaranteed to cause a problem in the relationship.

It's time you had that conversation about the "struggling" sex life.

 

[Rolyo85]

I am never ok with the "I was snooping. I know it's wrong, but oh well..." mindset. As if you admitting it's wrong somehow makes it ok that you did it. Communication comes BEFORE distrust, not after it. It's always easier to not confront the problem and be sneaky, but it speaks volumes of the type of person you are. Do you want to be that person? If no, talk to your bf next time, before going through his personal communication.

 

[bankside]

When you let someone into your bed, how much privacy do they really need? The most serious problem that should come from snooping is finding out early what your birthday present is. So get over the snooping guilt. That being said, I know a lot of people do enjoy the exhibitionists who appear on some of those sites, and they have no intention of making a physical connection. Was he messaging back and forth with any of them? Was he obviously planning to meet? I know I find it sexy when other people are feeling sexy. It doesn't make me want to fuck them, it makes me want to fuck my guy.

I think you need to find a constructive way to talk about what you want in bed - physically, emotionally...see if you can both start moving in a better direction that is more fulfilling for you both.

 

[Rolyo85]

Everything that he does on his own, he is entitled to do on his own. None of my boyfriends have ever had any of my passwords for anything. Not because I have something to hide, but because it's my private space and I don't want anyone there. It has nothing to do with how close we are otherwise.

 

[MrTeez]

Yea the whole password thing is a no-no. You still need to have your own level of privacy as an individual. When you go looking, you open yourself up to see things you may not want to see. You saw it, you are not happy. Now you have to deal with it and the possible outcome.

 

[darden]

your only real options are to get over it or talk to him about it.

for what it's worth, I couldn't love my partner more and I'm ridiculously happy/satisfied in our monogamous relationship. but once in awhile, I get bored and browse online hookup sites. it's not due to any desire to actually cheat on my boyfriend, but rather, I enjoy the voyeuristic aspect of reading profiles, looking at hot pictures, etc. (my profile states outright that I'm in a relationship, will not send/respond to messages, and am only browsing)

 

[Diodorus]

don't want to address your trust issues, just Craigslist..That is some bad JUJU as far as I'm concerned. We just had an incident in the Indianapolis area where a guy (a recently returned Veteran and new father) was making a deal on an ipad (I know, no sex hookup or anything). Met in an open public area and was shot an d murdered Unless your bf has corroborating email, he may be just looking at pics.

Sometimes a little too much knowledge is uncomfortable.