Caught my partner...

[TX-Beau]

It was just his the fact that I had told him before that I didn't want him having phone sex with other men, and he said he isn't comfortable having phone sex with me, so we left it at that. I don't mind him looking at porn, obviously I do the same, but I do have issues with the fact that he is having that interaction with someone other than myself. Call me controlling or whatever, but I just feel like if everything is going well in a relationship, then there is no need to persue something such as phone/cyber sex.

OK, I'm going to call you controlling. So you think that if all's well there's no reason to go to the phone sex guy, well, by your definition you have bigger problems than the phone sex, and things aren't going well. You know, you don't feel, you don't like, you. He's not you. Being in a relationship doesn't fuse you into one being. He obviously doesn't feel the way you do, and you know, he's entitled to feel differently. You're better off calmly discussing your reaction and his motivations than you are laying down ultimatums and slapping his wrists.

Look, you can make a huge issue, and a huge drama, and push about this until he doesn't want to say anything, either because he doesn't want to piss you off, or because he just doesn't want to deal with the drama, but in the end, what you do by have these dramas is set up a situation where he's not going to be honest with you because of them.

Me and my guy are saving money to build a house, and it pisses me off when he goes off an spends a ton of money on tech he doesn't need. It irritates me. But I'm not going to belligerently confront him and cause scenes about it because I don't ever want him to feel he can't be honest with me, I don't want to make it difficult for him to be honest with me. He knows it bothers me, but sometimes he just goes off and does it. He's not perfect, I'm not perfect, but we both do better if we create an environment where one of us isn't treating the other like a naughty child.

I don't know why you have such an issue with it. It's not like he's ever going to go hook up with the phone sex guy, and judging from you reaction solely, I suspect it's equal parts jealousy and possessiveness. OK, well, do you want a solution or do you want to lay down rules for him to follow that eventually are going to push him away?

 

[justsimon]

I'd be unhappy if my SO were calling phone sex lines, too. But the real issue isn't that your partner did or whether or not that's cheating, it's that he knows you're not okay with it and did it anyway.

 

[Ringfinger]

If it were somebody he personally knew, then I would consider it borderline cheating. If it was a random person through a paid service, I would consider it just about the equivalent of watching porn.

 

[Lube]

Hello everyone, I wanted to ask some advice about what you all think about this:

I got our telephone bill this afternoon and there was a strange number on it for which I had been billed over 10 Euro. So I called the number and it turns out it was for a Gay Chat phone sex company. The number was called while I was out of the country, so I knew it had to have been my partner. When I confronted him about it, he first lied and said he didn't know how the number had gotten there and blah blah blah. Finally I got it out of him that he had called, because he said his internet didn't work and he normally would have just watched some porn.

The problem is this: I have caught him doing this once before, and I didn't exactly react very well. I find phone sex to be much worse and completely different from watching porn, because you are involving yourself in the actions, rather that watching others participate. So he knew how I felt about it and did it anyways.

Now he says he's very sorry and he should have never done it but he still doesn't see how it is any worse that watching porn, etc.

Anyone have any advice on what I should do?

Seriously?

He does it twice--both, presumably, when you aren't around?

What on earth are you worried about? OMG, he's horny when you're not around. This is criminal? How?

Now, if he were doing this when you were around, then I'd say you might have a problem.

But him being horny when you're not around is so not news, I'm speechless.

If I were him, I'd dump you.

 

[ericwhitney]

2 things occur to me reading this:

1. In my brother's reality, the world is filled with liars. people always lie to him, because he is such a nightmare when they tell him anything even remotely difficult. and we're not just talking his wife and kids; we're talking stewardesses, doctors, colleagues, car mechanics, door-to-door salesmen, neighbors, waiters, you get the idea.

2. "I made very clear to him that it simply shouldn't happen again."

i'm pathological, I admit, but say this to me, and I'm going to get very 'jawohl dude,' and start itching to do it again, pretty much immediately.