Chaotic on and off relationship

[james88]

I'm gonna try to keep this as brief as possible, just looking for some advice.

I met this boy when I moved to NYC about a year and a half ago. I'm 25 and he's 24. We hooked up a few times in August 2012, but then he went away to Europe. When he came back in February 2013, we started talking again and seeing each other a lot. I ended up living with him for a few weeks, which was really nice. We saw each other from February/March until the summer. During that time, we were kind of in this very open, casual relationship. I lived with him when I was in between places. We also created this big bro/little bro dynamic (or master/slave during our s/m kinkier times) and he turned me versatile (before I was more or less a top). Great, awesome sex. At this time, in the spring, he had big feelings for me, asked to be my bf, and I said no, then he said will you be my kind of bf, and I said yes - so that's what we were. He chased me that whole time, but I kept resisting him because I was hung up on an ex. He knew that was the reason, as well.

Then I went away for the entire summer to my home city to save money.

At the end of the summer, he came to visit me because his bf over the summer dumped him. He asked during August if I wanted to try dating when I got back. I said maybe.

Then in Sep/Oct we were sleeping together again. He was getting increasingly aggressive and nasty with me - we have sort of a chaotic, love/hate thing from all the resisting, plus he just gets into these crazy moods... very passionate dynamic, lots of aggressive masculine tension, power struggles, etc. Around Sep/Oct I told him I was starting to fall for him too, like how he had in the spring. And it was true - something just clicked and I fell for him, hard. Problem was, he didn't believe me.

Then one morning, we got in a little fight, and he punched me in the arm in bed, so I punched him back in the arm, then he started punching me in the chest and accidentally in the lip. This freaked me out and scared me so much (he's a lot stronger than me, bigger than me) that I basically felt like I was in an abusive relationship and quit talking to him for 2 months.

During that 2 months he BEGGED for me back, apologized, told me how much he missed me, told me that he was just skeptical and resentful and resisting his feelings. Eventually I ran into him at a party and decided to give him another chance.

So, we met up the next night (this is late November). I told him I think we should try to date, like, try to be normal, and see how that works for us. He said he wanted to, but that I had the worst timing, because he met someone 2 weeks before we started talking again and he wanted to try dating this other guy. So then I told him fine, fuck it, and kicked him out of my apartment. Then he texted me saying "okay, we can be more than friends, but let's take it slow and easy" to which I said okay.

At this point, the other guy is out of town for a few weeks. "My" guy told me that he would date both of us, and see what happens. I begrudgingly accepted this, because, from his point of view, I resisted him and then ignored him, so I couldn't expect him to just drop someone new because I "finally" came around.

Then, about a week before the other guy comes back, he tells me that he's going to date the other guy exclusively, and that I have to "wait my turn" because I "passed it all up" before. I'd remind him that he was an asshole and punched me in the face, but his main point is that I "had my chance" back in the spring. So to save face, I say fine, date the other guy exclusively, and we agree to stay friends and see what happens "in the future".

SO, his new boyfriend got back one week into January. But the guy would still text me all the time, so I'd reply. He knew I was uncomfortable about the situation and I'd even nag him about it ("if you say you love me too, why are you willing to risk making me wait?") - that type of thing. Anyways, a week and a half after his "new bf" is back in town, he invites me over, we hang out, argue, fuck and make up. So, that's when the cheating started. Then a few days later, I go over again, and this time we didn't argue, we had a great night, and fucking amazing sex and all the cuddling and affection after that I missed. Then this happened one more time, except he was doing his "dom masc top" roleplay the whole time, which means being kind of a jerk, saying how I'm the mistress and just his little cock boy, how I come all the way there because I love the dick, etc., all this degrading sex stuff (which is hot during the sex) - but he tends to personify it, but then he'll snap out of it later.

I don't know what to do. I saw a text message that night that he sent to the new guy where he said "goodnight babe I love you too" and I was just like, what the fuck? And him and I have said we love each other as well, but then, like the night he was being a jerk, I'll ask him if he still does (after seeing the text to the other guy) and he'll say not anymore... like, he toys with my emotions to keep the power in his control and I'm fucking sick of it. Ever since he's known I fell for him - except for the 2 months I ignored him - he's been using that to his advantage. I want things to go back to when I had the upper hand, but I don't know how, other than to ignore him again, which is risky, because I feel like if I don't give a little bit of effort, that he won't hang on... but on the other hand, when I give it up, like both emotionally and as a bottom, he acts like I'm so easy and gets off on the control. How can I reverse this and get him to chase me again, get him to be the one all wrapped up, without fucking it all up?

He tells me to just "chill and wait" and let him feel it out, but I'm sick of waiting. And I feel bad for the new guy too. Part of me just wants to ACTUALLY tell him to fuck off, but I don't want to lose him completely. But he only acts decent when he feels like he's gonna lose me.

 

[james88]

Oh, and for anyone who is interested in that kind of thing, I'm an ENFP and he's an INTJ.

 

[sixthson]

Don't be a doormat, James. Walk away while you still have some self respect.

 

[james88]

Don't be a doormat, James. Walk away while you still have some self respect.

Okay, this is the kind of simple answer I was expecting, but it sort of leaves out all the complexities of the situation: the fact that I pushed him away before and he didn't "walk away" on me, along with how he's complicit in all of it, too, like can't quit me either. We both have feelings for each other, so it's kind of hard to just walk away just because we're never in the same place at the same time in terms of what we want from each other. While I totally get where you are coming from (and it might be something I have to do), first I want to try changing the pace a little bit. Just by being less available, giving him the impression that my emotions have seceded as his once did, and seeing how he reacts to that - but I don't want it to be an obvious tactic. The dramatic route would be: fuck off, then that'd start, after about a week, a bunch of texts saying I miss you blah blah blah.

 

[Disturbance]

Okay, this is the kind of simple answer I was expecting, but it sort of leaves out all the complexities of the situation: the fact that I pushed him away before and he didn't "walk away" on me, along with how he's complicit in all of it, too, like can't quit me either. We both have feelings for each other, so it's kind of hard to just walk away just because we're never in the same place at the same time in terms of what we want from each other. While I totally get where you are coming from (and it might be something I have to do), first I want to try changing the pace a little bit. Just by being less available, giving him the impression that my emotions have seceded as his once did, and seeing how he reacts to that - but I don't want it to be an obvious tactic. The dramatic route would be: fuck off, then that'd start, after about a week, a bunch of texts saying I miss you blah blah blah.

Just let it go.

 

[KaraBulut]

He tells me to just "chill and wait" and let him feel it out, but I'm sick of waiting. And I feel bad for the new guy too. Part of me just wants to ACTUALLY tell him to fuck off, but I don't want to lose him completely. But he only acts decent when he feels like he's gonna lose me.

Out of curiosity...

Read your opening post. If you were to have one of your friends tell you a story about a relationship that borders on physical and emotional abuse, what advice would you give your friend?

 

[bruce379]

Great story in itself. But this is one reason I don't go into the master/ slave thing. Both of you have feelings for each other but there is this game in your relationship.

I guess I would say the same advice as the others. Although deep down I feel for you. And I sympathize with him too because you turned him down twice/three times. Then you two added the bdsm thing. And he has a current bf.

I would step away until this thing gets a little less complicated.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

You need to leave. The entire situation from start to finish looks and sounds very unhealthy.

Anyway would you want to date someone who has little problem cheating? (As you described it).

You might want to hear us say stay and work it out but there was nothing there in the first place besides a dysfunction fuck relationship.

 

[bruce379]

You need to leave. The entire situation from start to finish looks and sounds very unhealthy.

Anyway would you want to date someone who has little problem cheating? (As you described it).

You might want to hear us say stay and work it out but there was nothing there in the first place besides a dysfunction fuck relationship.

I'm not sure it's exactly cheating. Because more or less they were fully aware of what they were getting into. Plus they're not exactly a couple. Very hot fuck buddies yeah. Speaking for myself, I'd probably keep this thing for myself as fuckbuddies if only for the sex if I can get the bf too for a regular threesome. Because I'm such a slut otherwise if I'm on an emotional roller coaster I'll just look for another fuck buddy.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

I'm not sure it's exactly cheating. Because more or less they were fully aware of what they were getting into. Plus they're not exactly a couple. Very hot fuck buddies yeah. Speaking for myself, I'd probably keep this thing for myself as fuckbuddies if only for the sex if I can get the bf too for a regular threesome. Because I'm such a slut otherwise if I'm on an emotional roller coaster I'll just look for another fuck buddy.

The guy is cheating WITH the OP. He stated that this guy entered into an exclusive relationship with someone else.

 

[brokegayguy]

Story's kind of long and confusing, so I probably didn't catch everything. But I did catch this:

Around Sep/Oct I told him I was starting to fall for him too, like how he had in the spring. And it was true - something just clicked and I fell for him, hard. Problem was, he didn't believe me.

Sorry, I gotta side with him here. You took a whole YEAR after first meeting him to finally say you were actually into him. You don't go around fucking a guy on and off, not being open to saying you're boyfriends even though you were living with him, and then not expect him to feel brutally used or teased. You pretty much did this, even if it wasn't intentional.

What answer do you expect to hear? Things will get better and you'll live happily ever after with this dude? Because that is clearly not happening in a million years. Like everyone else is saying, just let it go. Don't even talk to them ever again, just say "I'm done" and move on with your life.

 

[bankside]

james, there is nothing complex about the situation. sixthson is right.


(and if it matters, i'm an INTJ)

 

[eastofeden]

I read this last night...walked away so I didn't say what I wanted to say...and now the only thing I DO want to say after having slept on it...he punched you in the mouth and chest and then apologized....what are you thinking? There is no scenario where that is going to be OK. Don't fool yourself...if that happened once...it will happen again.

 

[palbert]

Move on while the relationship is only unhealthy (verging on dangerous). There is zero future here.

 

[TX-Beau]

Walk



(Bankside, what's INTJ?)

 

[james88]

Great story in itself. But this is one reason I don't go into the master/ slave thing. Both of you have feelings for each other but there is this game in your relationship.

I guess I would say the same advice as the others. Although deep down I feel for you. And I sympathize with him too because you turned him down twice/three times. Then you two added the bdsm thing. And he has a current bf.

I would step away until this thing gets a little less complicated.

You're spot on about the feelings combined with the games/power. He's told me numerous time that he "needs to be dominant" and right now he has be under control. He's even gone as far to say "by the time this new relationship is over, you'll be the perfect, obedient boy. And it'll teach you that you can't control me, and that I won't ever wait for you." But the thing is, when I confessed my love, it was to try and move past the power struggle shit and just be real with each other. Like putting down our swords. But I'm starting to wonder if, because of the power dynamic and his need for control, if maybe we can never be like that. Is it possible to have an s/m dynamic and keep those manifestations of power strictly in the bedroom? Because I've always felt like what happened was, once we started doing that in bed, it started to come out in the relationship emotionally, too. And now he's realized that, since I admitted I love him, he doesn't even need to be "in a relationship" with me in order to have his way with me. Which isn't true, because it's driving me nuts. I like your advice to step away until it gets less complicated, and I want to do this, but I'm wondering HOW without causing a drama... we have all the same friends... go out all the same places... I want to keep the peace. I want to make it look like i've just naturally given up. But not like a retaliation, like fuck you, and block him out of my life. But it's hard to ignore someone for very long before they realize they're being ignored. But on the other hand I can't just totally block his number and block him online cause that'll be a dramatic grand gesture, causing drama.

Story's kind of long and confusing, so I probably didn't catch everything. But I did catch this:



Sorry, I gotta side with him here. You took a whole YEAR after first meeting him to finally say you were actually into him. You don't go around fucking a guy on and off, not being open to saying you're boyfriends even though you were living with him, and then not expect him to feel brutally used or teased. You pretty much did this, even if it wasn't intentional.

What answer do you expect to hear? Things will get better and you'll live happily ever after with this dude? Because that is clearly not happening in a million years. Like everyone else is saying, just let it go. Don't even talk to them ever again, just say "I'm done" and move on with your life.

I also thought this was a very interesting reply, since it is one of the few that didn't make me out to be some innocent bystander abused victim (which I never claimed to be, but I can see why people would be worried about that part). But to clarify, I didn't take a whole YEAR to tell him I was into him. We didn't really start hanging out a lot until the spring. Then I was gone in the summer. I took 6 months. Which is about 6 months longer than he took. But he tells me his feelings are still there, but they're just kind of "on hold" since by the time I spoke to him again, he entered something else. I realize that I did this myself, partially, which is why I'm trying not to be a diva and be all "how dare you put me 2nd".

But to be fair to me as well, it has now been... like 3-4 months since I told him I have feelings too, and in that time, he has not stepped up, despite saying his are still there. Oh, and also, to be fair to me too, back in the spring, even though he asked to be my bf, he would constantly scoff at couples. He just gave me the impression that he would never want to be in a "normal" relationship. So I didn't take him seriously. But then, in November, when I spoke to him again after the fight, we were lying in bed together discussing if it could ever work between us, and out of nowhere, he tells me all his fears. How we would fight over how to decorate an apartment, how we disagree on so many things - the same fears I used to have about being with him in the spring. And I said, wait a minute, do you even WANT to be that kind of couple that moves in together to their own place? I was completely taken aback when he said yes. So that came out of nowhere to me - that he DOES want to settle down with someone. And the next day I told him we should just stop, because all he can do is doubt me, and he said they were just fears and that we just need to give it time to see where it goes. Then that night we walked around holding hands... this was all before the new bf got back. Basically I feel like him entering a relationship with me would be way more of a serious thing than going around saying he's "exclusively dating" some new boy.

But the thing I can't handle is being on the back burner while he "tries it out" with someone new. As much as I would like the future to be better with us, putting me in fucking time-out is torture. I don't ever text him first lately, he always contacts me first, and I don't get why he is contacting me if he's got a new bf, because we always end up fucking, kissing, cuddling. I think not replying for a while will make him wonder what's going on and maybe he just needs to lose me again in order to put things in perspective. Or I just need to quit.

 

[james88]

I appreciate all the responses. For everyone saying "walk" and "quit", I hear you. It's just kinda hard to do when two people say they love each other and one person says "wait and be friends and we'll get there after".

 

[LuckysRevenge]

I appreciate all the responses. For everyone saying "walk" and "quit", I hear you. It's just kinda hard to do when two people say they love each other and one person says "wait and be friends and we'll get there after".

It's one thing to say I love you. It's another thing to prove it.
Everything he is doing has done screams that he doesn't really love you or perhaps doesn't understand what it means to love someone.

Either way, didnt he text someone else he loves him after sleeping with you?

 

[james88]

It's one thing to say I love you. It's another thing to prove it.
Everything he is doing has done screams that he doesn't really love you or perhaps doesn't understand what it means to love someone.

Either way, didnt he text someone else he loves him after sleeping with you?

Before. I would agree about him possibly not knowing HOW to love someone. That's spot on. Like he says he does, but doesn't know what to do about it. Or he's full of shit, who knows. I'm not hung up on him loving a new guy - hell, I saw him for months when I was totally hung up on an ex. It is totally possible to have feelings for more than one person at a time, and of course with a new guy they're all fresh and untainted and new, which is why he's giving him a "fair shot" as he puts it. What matters to me is who does he love more, and he would say that he doesn't know yet, and that it's "different". He's also made it very clear - when I say things like "you chose him over me" - he tells me how he didn't, and that we exist on separate timelines in his life, or something - that he didn't choose someone over me (which is how it feels...) so much as we weren't talking and he agreed to try something new by the time we started talking again. So to him it's not a matter of "choosing" as it is timing. :/

 

[LuckysRevenge]

Before. I would agree about him possibly not knowing HOW to love someone. That's spot on. Like he says he does, but doesn't know what to do about it. Or he's full of shit, who knows. I'm not hung up on him loving a new guy - hell, I saw him for months when I was totally hung up on an ex. It is totally possible to have feelings for more than one person at a time, and of course with a new guy they're all fresh and untainted and new, which is why he's giving him a "fair shot" as he puts it. What matters to me is who does he love more, and he would say that he doesn't know yet, and that it's "different". He's also made it very clear - when I say things like "you chose him over me" - he tells me how he didn't, and that we exist on separate timelines in his life, or something - that he didn't choose someone over me (which is how it feels...) so much as we weren't talking and he agreed to try something new by the time we started talking again. So to him it's not a matter of "choosing" as it is timing. :/

I hope you're able to read this and see how dramatic and unnecessary it all is.
He can tell you anything he wants. He loves this guy? Does the other guy know about you? Does he lie to this other guy about who he's with and what he's doing? Does the other guy think they are in an exclusive dating scenario?

And if this man you love can lie to someone he "loves" what makes you think he wouldn't lie to you?