Chapter 4 – I’m here, and this is who I am

[Soilwork]

i'd never be able to make it work, but that's just me.

I'm always happy to hear about couples defiing their relationships on their own terms and no one else's.

I was with my last boyfriend for 13 years. We shared everything and when we broke up, we spent a lot of time standing in the room shouting about who got what.

Now that we've both moved on and are both living in Los Angeles (very big coincidence.. we're from Toronto) we're very close friends and we share custody of our dog and go on vacations with our boyfriends. We ride together and rely on each other to do things.

It's an arrangement that works for us, but it's not always been easy.

 

[Riverrick]

Surprisingly, the non-support (sometimes blatantly vocal!) from some of our close gay friends is yet another of the “other issues” that I have been alluding to – and needs to be addressed and resolved.

I would suspect that they are feeling some loss after Richard and Joe being together for 27 years. They are probably resisting any change in what used to be a very stable part of their lives. And the closer you are to someone, the more vocal they will be.

Gee, you have so many fun issues to deal with.

 

[mpdan]

I tell ya gentlemen, Never in my life - throughout my formidable years as an alter boy, through helping the family with my paper route money, through working full time the graveyard shift while holding a full college course load – Did I ever remotely think that at my advanced age of 44 I would be described as “A gold-digging blonde bimbo interfering in a mature 27 year marriage”….

What I do know is that Richard, Joe and I have sworn our allegiance, acceptance and happiness with each other before the feet of a Gay relationship counselor.

But one negative comment seems to outweigh 10 proclamations of acceptance and support. I just need to look at the source. I’d like to share an e-mail sent to us that I will now keep in my wallet:

Ø Hi Joe and Richard:
> > HAPPY NEW YEAR.
> > Bills computer is working but I have passed the
> information on to him since I'm on the dial up line
> most of the time while checking eBay.
> I'm a little confused on the email but then I don't
> follow relationships and get involved in other guys
> long term relationships, separations, breakups, or new
> relationships because my interest is collectables and
> making collector friends. I remain friends with
> everyone. As far as I'm concerned, nobody needs my
> opinion unless it is my opinion on my expertise as a
> coin collector.
>
> Keep watching the Hillside website for new pictures if
> we get some snow. It’s raining today and no snow yet.
>
> Have a GREAT week.
> > HUGS Guys

What I’d really like to do is to make several copies, and the next party we attend, staple gun it to the forehead of every gossip queen who starts dishing his venom…

 

[mpdan]

Just got to keep myself honest here boys, (what a difference a word makes!)

I would be described as “A gold-digging blonde bimbo interfering in a mature 27 year marriage”….

I should have written "could" instead of "would" - this was a compilation of several statements that have been made. - "so you're the blond bimbo of the relationship was made to me (in jest) at the campground; interfering in a (sic) marriage was indeed stated recently at a dinner party; and frankly, the word "gold-digging" is my own invention - as I am very aware that Joe makes a considerable higher salary with much more disposable income than I have - and it does bother me that I can't be more "even" as far as money is concerned.

For the most part I found that some gentlemen who were extremely friendly with me at the beginning of the campground season were somewhat cold and rude near the end; I attribute this to senior guys in older/younger relationships feeling threatened - that this could happen to them.

The bottom line: Two close friendships that Joe has cultivated over many years have been damaged, and may or may not be repaired. If I was not in the picture, this would never have happened.

Nevertheless Urban, your advice still holds true. After what I've been through, In the future I myself will think twice before throwing stones in a glass house - and I'll be sure to change my underwear in the cellar

 

[mpdan]

My car was stolen today! What's next - Locusts?

The waters are starting to get murky. My ex-wife fielded a distressing call from my older sister - calling me every name in the book, and looking for my ex to agree with her.

I expected this - this is the sister who loves drama. My ex-wife has kept her at arms length since our marriage. In the catholic religion, it is customary to give "the sign of peace" - a handshake to those around you. At our wedding ceremony, this same sister was angry (she is always angry at someone) - and turned her back when offered our hands in peace...

So my ex-wife ended my sisters' phone call as "professionally as I could" she said. Then she called me and told my to deal with my crazy family, and solve it before my son's birthday party next week.


Great.

 

[mpdan]

CadillacJoe and Richard have just left on their trek home to Philly, so on the third anniversary of my tumble out of the closet, I find some time to post an update. I have a house guest who will be leaving in the morning, last night we had three – one from Boston, one from Canada, and one from northwest Pennsylvania. We were all invited to an apartment on the 46th floor of a high rise in the heart of Manhattan. Beautiful views of the Empire and Chrysler buildings, and from the roof one flight up we were able to see the ball drop at times square.

Gays sure know how to have fun…and damn straight this is a long way from my former life of neighborhood barbeques, little league and cub scout meetings.

Things are going well, I really can’t complain. Money will always be tight until my youngest turns 18 but I expected that. CadillacJoe helps out- as I write this the refrigerator (which he purchased) is stocked with more food than I can possible eat this week. It’s strange how in the congested state of New Jersey the car that was stolen from me last year was found – running and all four doors open – in front of the childhood home where my recently deceased dad grew up. It cost $200 to release it from impound, and was so badly mishandled that within four months I had to junk it. And that left me with my work van – which also surprised me with mechanical problems which required me to sell it for junk. Now without a work van I could not do my side carpentry jobs, and the money in my bank account could ill afford a replacement.

Then my mom, as a recent widow, decided to buy a new small car, and give me Dad’s ten year old minivan and her college age grandson another 10 year old car they owned. And that’s when the trouble began……

I suppose it could have been the cars; or the cold treatment my family gave Joe and Richard at an Easter gathering, or the stress that aggravates my diverticulitis which is the reason why I cannot hold a corporate job anymore – and be making the money my alimony and child support is based on. Or it could be Depression – that damned medical condition that affects so many in the gay community. All I know is that by the time camp opened in late spring Joe and my relationship was not, and much to my devastation we parted ways.

I’d like to say that my evil sister – a woman filled with enough venom and blubber she could be booked as a sideshow freak – had won again. With just the knowledge that her brother was gay, she made up the rest – and tried to convince the world (or at least anyone who would listen) of my sick relationship with CadillacJoe and Richard, and how neglectful a parent I was.

And as Martha says this became a good thing…..For my children and my ex-wife united against my sister. The cousins followed suit, along with several of their parents, and of course mom. Joe and I reunited, this time stronger than ever with a lot of therapy sessions under our belts and yes, medication. Today my ex-wife and Joe can be considered close friends – albeit if only to laugh at the ridiculous antics of my family that she had to endure for fourteen years and he nearly two.

So CadillacJoe and Richard were not invited to Christmas Eve dinner. That was mean and spiteful, but we endoured. My kids addressed gifts and cards to “Joe and Dad”; they never had a problem with our relationship and it simply a non-issue with them. My daughter pulled us out to dance at her sweet sixteen party, and Joe and I hosted the kids for my sons 15th birthday on the day after Christmas. My ex-wife wanted to join us, but an ice storm prevented that. The kids will always come first, and for that Joe and I will endure my family so the cousins can be together. Joe has introduced me to circuit parties and has asked me to go to Paris with him this spring. I’ve introduced him to the heart-pounding excitement of watching your kid metal in a track meet and if plans work out he’ll join us for a short trip to Florida. Just today the eight month saga of Dad’s minivan has ended – ownership paperwork was transferred yesterday and I picked up the van today – Good thing! I have a bathroom overhaul project to start tomorrow!

 

[operafan]

I had missed all of this story at the beginning of the year. I'm happy to read that Dan and Joe are still a loving couple and that despite some problems with the sister, your world continues to be upbeat.

Best wishes, guys.

 

[mpdan]

Happy New year!
I was talking about this thread last night- explaining to a woman at a party how a guy can go from being married, divorcing, almost marrying again, then at 42 realizing that being gay is an allowable option and one can be happy.

Alot changed in my life. Most important my ex-wife and I raised the kids to be responsible adults and they are now in their second year at Rutgers. We sold the house in September, their mom drove to San Diego minutes after the title transfer was signed. It was also a month before the hurricane, where nearly all my carpentry jobs were washed out to sea - including my sisters house. So the kids are in California for winter break, but they return in January. They leased an apartment starting June first and until then they can stay at my place in Princeton whenever they want, but dorm life suits them fine.

Alchohol drove cadillac Joe and I apart. There are two sides to every story so i will lay that five years to rest. I learned alot.....most important that a gay man should not fit into a mold of being "gay". That took a lot to learn. I am who I am and when I broke up with Joe I headed right to AA - I never drank much before I met him and I was determined not to drink again. It felt great thinking with a clear head. In time I took the forbidden "13th step" and fell for a muscular union man. The kids love him and even Mom told me "he's a keeper" on christmas eve. We're looking for a house to buy together. Meanwhile, we gotta get big sis out of mom's house and build her a new place to live.

Thanks for letting me unload.....

 

[rareboy]

Happy New Year