Checking Your BF's Text Messages

[dhchitown1984]

I don't support the snooping... at all. I've never felt the need to violate that trust in my relationships.

I've never had a problem tossing my phone over to my boyfriend if he asked to see "who I was texted" or if I snicker at a message and he wanted to see "what was so funny." In return, I expect the same courtesy. Because I know I could see them whenever I asked, I never had the slighest interest in looking, because I knew there was nothing to hide.

It's funny what someone had said before... about phones being password locked and yadda yadda.... mine is, but I also tie it into a company email account and the company requires the device be password protecting. I've never shared passwords or access to my phone, email, facebook, what have you with a significant other because I feel it's important to keep that aspect of individuality within your relationship. That being said, I have no problem opening my facebook, email, or texts with him around...

 

[Lefty]

Maybe its just me and another generation but...

a certain degree of privacy (space) is needful in

a relationship. I am sharing my life, some body

fluids, lots of experiences BUT not my fucking DNA.

24/7 is Clone. I didn't pick a clone nor do I want one.

Some space gives both a little room to grow, to ripen

and mature....not wind up like fucking book ends.

Sometimes you need to blow shit off, fuss, fume, have a cow

or a fit. Then come back out of orbit, fresh, vital and...yes...

even more interesting than yesterday. Go self moments go.

Like sex, you can't get enough as long as you pick the time and place.

Simple english....butt out butt head. You don't really need to know

that I farted at 3:17a.m. but MY diary does.

 

[bankside]

I get the idea that each person in a healthy couple is still an independent human being. We don't own each other or merge into one.

But at the same time, once my guy had felt the inside of my rectum with the end of his penis, it really feels a bit foolish to get worked up about "my privacy."

 

[Lefty]

Point well taken Bankie.

Yet, sometimes one wants a modicum of privacy.

As a crude but visual example, like when I take a shit,

I want to do the paperwork uhm...privately. Like morning

breath, we don't have to share everything.

But each couple needs to set their own parameters...

that is what drew them together in the first place.

 

[Ninja108]

Each couple has to set their own limits and boundaries.
Personally, I consider it a lack of trust but that's just me.

 

[altlover85]

I get the idea that each person in a healthy couple is still an independent human being. We don't own each other or merge into one.

But at the same time, once my guy had felt the inside of my rectum with the end of his penis, it really feels a bit foolish to get worked up about "my privacy."

But you just got done saying "we don't merge into one", so one some level you must want privacy. It's really a matter of degrees.

Each couple has to set their own limits and boundaries.
Personally, I consider it a lack of trust but that's just me.

I agree. Boundaries are important.

 

[bankside]

But you just got done saying "we don't merge into one", so one some level you must want privacy. It's really a matter of degrees.

Not really. Him knowing what I think or do is not the same as controlling what I think or do.

 

[altlover85]

Not really. Him knowing what I think or do is not the same as controlling what I think or do.

When did someone controlling someone else come into play?

Was it the "his ass is mine" comment?

 

[chance1]

Each couple has to set their own limits and boundaries.
Personally, I consider it a lack of trust but that's just me.

i agree with the "lack of trust"

if my bf snooped into my messages i would not be happy about it

and if i did it i would feel like a creep

to me it suggests something missing which is critically important

prob moreso than anything

 

[rjmrjm21]

When did someone controlling someone else come into play?

Was it the "his ass is mine" comment?

That was not to be taken literally. I do not believe that people should own other humans.

Now, far as control, no pro-snooper has said that we want to control the other person. I tend to view it as being enlightened so that I can make the best decision, for my own physical and mental health, moving forward. Especially if one is having unprotected sex with the guy. A guy would be a fool to assume that the other is perfect and would never cheat or lie. It happens. Therefore, his emails and call logs will get a peak. If his feelings are hurt or he feels suffocated by that then he would definitely need to move on.

To those who say, "oh you're insecure and paranoid." Well, I would respond with, no, you're just a narcissistic and sadistic sociopath who is not to be trusted.

 

[altlover85]

That was not to be taken literally. I do not believe that people should own other humans.

To those who say, "oh you're insecure and paranoid." Well, I would respond with, no, you're just a narcissistic and sadistic sociopath who is not to be trusted.

I didn't think you were being literal, but yours was the only comment that I could read as being possibly controlling, even if I didn't necessarily think it was.

As to the barebacking deal, while I can understand your thoughts, perhaps you shouldn't be barebacking with him if the trust isn't there.

 

[Supervert]

If you suspect your boyfriend is cheating, snoop. It could save your life. You need to know.

I really don't care about etiquette or whatever. If you have reason to think he might be cheating, your relationship is already in trouble. So, find out. Either your fears are wrong, in which case you can let them go and you privately embarrass yourself with the knowledge that you blew your suspicions way out of proportion. Or your fears are correct, and the knowledge might just have saved your life. By comparison, his right to privacy means very little.

Incidentally, I don't mean you should snoop routinely or to "get something on him" or to control him. You snoop when you think you have a reason to snoop. It's your life at stake.

I should say I have never had a reason to. However I know a lot about what my guy is up to, because we have good open communication. Either we're together, or I know where he is. When I get in touch with him, he is where he says he is. If I bring him a rye and coke, the e-mails up on his computer screen are people we both know. Sometimes you don't have to snoop to get the picture. I think that's actually a good thing.

If you find dirt, doesn't that actually say more about the person whose dirt it is than the person who is inquisitive?

I would agree with this.

Sorry for bumping the thread, but I'd like to hear other['s] opinions on the topic...

 

[Supervert]

Sorry for bumping the thread, but I'd like to hear other['s] opinions on the topic...

Really...?

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

If there is good communication in the relationship, there shouldn't be anything that needs be hidden from each other (if there is an issue, it should be talked about between both of you). But if it helps eliminates your partners insecurity and doubt about things, then it's for the better? What do you really have to hide? The things you've said or done, are not a false reality. They are valid.

It's not like you are going through someone's journal. && If you have a problem with people going through your phone, then stop being lazy and filter the way you use your phone- If you have people whom you talk to about your relationship etc. Then call them vs. texting. If they are private thoughts, why make them so visible.

I've accidentally stumbled across things on my boyfriends laptop and phone- and i kept looking. It wasn't intentional, but since I was there what the hell. Might was well, get rid of the curiosity instead of leaving doubt, and mystery.

 

[Seasoned]

I know that it's an invasion of privacy, but has anybody been guilty of this?

If the person were to discover something shocking or hurtful, would they deserve it for looking through somebody's phone to begin with?

At this extreme, would it be better for one to end a relationship if they obviously didn't trust their partner and felt the need to do this?

You offer the solution for someone who is unable to trust. End the relationship before the suspicious partner gets any crazier.

 

[uzaname]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years now..but this past may I discovered something that basically has ruined us.

Mind you I'm 21 and my bf is 40, but we still had what I considered to be regular sex life. However, I had been noticing that he wanted to have sex less often. My bf came over on the weekends and that is when we had sex. It went from weekend to weekend that we weren't having sex.
He said that he was just really tired, and stressed at work (which is understandable), etc. At first, I bought into this but then I started noticing that he was constantly texting on his phone..even late at night.

I just started paying more and more attention to things he did. It was really ruining my self-esteem because I was wondering why he didn't want me. I consider myself to be an attractive guy and I had recently lost about 20ibs and was in the best shape of my life..all of which I did to look good for him. I love him and I know a relationship isn't all about sex but it is a big part and I knew/felt that something was going on.

To make a long story shorter..one day he got his service switched into a new phone and the old phone he accidentally left at my house. I noticed it and quickly forbid myself to go through it, I knew that if I did that it would mean I didn't trust him, and what's a relationship without trust. I also reminded myself that I had to be prepared if inappropriate things were in his phone..could I handle that?

I tiptoed around the idea of going through until finally I did it. I was stunned by what I saw. Text message, after text message from at least 20 or so guys..all of them with subjects of sex. I couldn't believe it!

The worst text, however was one where he and this guy exchanged pictures to which the guy was telling my bf in the text that he "really needed some dick" and wanted my bf to "cum in his mouth", etc. Then the text messages basically lead up to my bf going to pick up this guy!

I cried all that night and I was just stunned. I was angry, hurt and betrayed. I confronted him about it and he swore that nothing happened..that he was just sexting and he knew it was wrong and that he was sorry. And about going to pick up the guy..he says he picked him up and they just talked..and that's just how his "friend" talks to him but they never actually did anything.

My heart wanted to believe him but in my head I knew better. I also knew that even though I was hurt I wasn't ready to leave him and I still loved him.

So it came down to either forgiving him or leaving him. So I decided to "forgive" him, however that road has not been easy. Mind you, all of this happened back in May. Our relationship is basically ruined. He locks his phone now and is even more secretive than before (citing he needs his privacy), yet he promised he would stop his "sexting"..but why lock your phone? I promised him that I wouldn't go through it again, yet he doesn't "trust" me to keep his phone unlocked which leads me to believe he hasn't stopped. Every time we get into an argument I always bring it up (because as much as I have fought and tried to get over it, I'm not) and it has been detrimental to our relationship.

/long story my bad, etc

 

[chance1]

^ not "my bad" - sorry to hear

and if it helps to share by all means

this guy sounds like bad news - period - my 2 cents

this is a case where you did something wrong ........ but found something much more wrong on his part

i think you know what you need to do next

 

[KaraBulut]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years now..but this past may I discovered something that basically has ruined us.

Mind you I'm 21 and my bf is 40, but we still had what I considered to be regular sex life. However, I had been noticing that he wanted to have sex less often. My bf came over on the weekends and that is when we had sex. It went from weekend to weekend that we weren't having sex.

Your story sounds a bit like someone involved with an alcoholic who has gone from public drinking to "closet" drinking.

And then blames you for the problems in his life.


You're 21. That's still very young and you may not be sure exactly what you want in a relationship. Good communication? Honesty? Monogamy? Openness?


When you do decide what you want from a relationship, then you've got another decision to make: whether 2 years of a good relationship is the point where you want to end it. Or do you want a few more miserable years of lies, deceptions, guilt, arguments and generally unhealthy interactions?

 

[uzaname]

The thing that really kills me is that I begged him to tell me the truth about fucking that guy and he continues to deny it. Even if they didn't do anything (which is bologna) the intent was still there. And how dare he demand privacy from me after what he was doing! I'm way too young to be going through this with a 40year old man. I love him and I would do anything for him. But, what I won't do is allow him to disrespect me. It's definitely hard to let go..I hate to say it but we might not last much longer if things don't improve soon. I wish I had it in me to just end it now.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK step away from the Drama.

Lesson number one about relationships. Escalating a situation only makes it worse.

It doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do, you are responsible for you. your actions are your own, welcome to being an adult. The consequences of your actions are on your own head.

What are you willing to put up with? It's your choice to stay, and your choice to go. If he won't work this through with you - it's your choice to stay.

If what you want is someone to tell you what an ass he is and how betrayed you are, OK that's normal, but that's not really going to solve anything.

Thing is, you didn't forgive him, you just swallowed your feelings to keep him. Now, all that unresolved antagonism, jealousy, and hurt are right there simmering right where they were since before you invaded his privacy - and that's what it is, and it didn't help you, it didn't tell you anything you didn't already know, it didn't get him to open up, all it did was give him ammunition to hit you with while he refuses to deal with anything else.

That's the problem with doing that kind of thing for information, the moment you use it, you get hit with it.

Your self esteem is in your own keeping, don't surrender it to someone else. Distrust in ANY relationship is a killer and you should have brought it up the moment you started suspecting him of something, and then if he wouldn't try to work it out - your choice to stay, your choice to go. A lot of guys will try to work things out, but then there are the others, and if that's him, you need to decide what you can live with and what you can't

Frankly I don't understand why you're even trying to stay in this if it's killing your self esteem, you know he's cheating, he won't talk, you claim you'll do "anything" for him which seems to include surrendering your self respect.

There are guys out there who are assholes, there are guys with no boundaries, there are the irrationally jealous, the neurotic, the addicted, the controlling and a whole host of other deal killers - that TRUMP "...but I love him..."

Love is not enough, and if you aren't happy with your relationship and you can't get him to help fix it - your choice to stay, your choice to leave.

Own your own damn life, stop reacting, figure out what you want to say, make a plan and execute.

If this guy is the guy you say he is, what are you frikkin' waiting for? You want to be hurt some more?

Think about it.