Checking Your BF's Text Messages

[TX-Beau]

BTW this seems to me to need it's own thread. Just a thought.

 

[KaraBulut]

The thing that really kills me is that I begged him to tell me the truth about fucking that guy and he continues to deny it. Even if they didn't do anything (which is bologna) the intent was still there.

Well, if you're this upset when he tells you that nothing happens, did you really expect him to say, "Yeah, we fucked like rabbits all night long?".

He wasn't born yesterday.

It's definitely hard to let go..I hate to say it but we might not last much longer if things don't improve soon. I wish I had it in me to just end it now.

See previous comments re: you've got another decision to make

 

[Rolyo85]

I'm not a fan of snooping, it's disrespectful, and I'd doublefist anyone who did it to me, but if you find crap, you're within your rights to respond in kind. Ok, you're guilty, but in the end, if they were cheating, then you have the right to know.

Also, dump the jerk.

 

[ben9651]

I did about a 2 weeks ago .. i was dating this guy from Canada.. i knew he had someone there but didn`t know whether they broke up or not.
turns out that the guy`s married !!!!!!!!!!!!!! and we broke it off ever since.. so NO, i don`t regret it !
People can be very deceiving and shady!

 

[ben9651]

but then again .. if he had someone all along . that kinda means that we were NOT really in a relationship .. so dunno what to make of that .. ehh .. just let it go!

 

[uzaname]

You made some perfect points TX-BEAU

The other night we got into a huge fight because I confessed to him that I was still angry about the text message, etc that I found in his phone..he just let me bitch and didn't really say much..except utter that he had "changed" and that he had already told me sorry. In addition, he assures me that he is no longer "sexting" and continues to deny that he fucked that boy.

I told him that if what he said was true then to show me. I told him to unlock his phone and prove to me that he had stopped and he refused..saying "why should I have to show you my phone..you don't pay the bill and its private"..well, when it comes to my safety..you don't have any privacy. This whole mess is his fault anyway..I don't give a fuck that I went snooping that doesn't mean that I was supposed to find anything!

I can only deduce that because he refused to show me, right then and there to prove to me, to put me at ease at least for the moment..that he is still up to no good. It's just a mess.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK calm down. You’re angry and you’re not thinking.

On the one hand – if you demanded to see my personal shit like that I’d tell you to step off. Here’s the thing, if you want your relationships to be successful you both need to manage it in a way that such situations don’t occur.

How do you do that? Assloads of talking, compromise, RESPECT, and consideration for each other.

Unfortunately for you, I think in your case that ship has sailed. Think about what you’re doing. Even if he let you see his phone would that have taken away the suspicion, the distrust and the jealousy?

No. You’re using the phone as a casus belli and avoiding having to talk about the fact that it’s possible there is no way to repair what’s been broken. Anytime you find yourself demanding that your guy prove he's trustworthy you have your answer - whether he is or not, you don't think so and that's a huge problem.

That’s the conversation you need to be having, and you need to be having it without making accusations or rushing in with your sword of righteous indignation.

As nice as it might make you feel to hurl accusations and beat him with what he did wrong, if you want to keep this, you need to understand that who’s right and who’s wrong is entirely beside the point. You need to deal with ways to repair yourselves, not tear you both further apart.

If you’re going to leave – fire away – but if you forgive him and stay, that’s the end of it, you don’t get to keep bringing it up over and over just to punish him.

 

[uslad7]

The thing that really kills me is that I begged him to tell me the truth about fucking that guy and he continues to deny it. Even if they didn't do anything (which is bologna) the intent was still there. And how dare he demand privacy from me after what he was doing! I'm way too young to be going through this with a 40year old man. I love him and I would do anything for him. But, what I won't do is allow him to disrespect me. It's definitely hard to let go..I hate to say it but we might not last much longer if things don't improve soon. I wish I had it in me to just end it now.

People have good intentions when responding to you, but dance around it to be respectful. I guess I'll be the one to just come out and say it.

It seems as though the chances of you recovering from this are slim to none man.

End it. Move on.

 

[Lefty]

Feel free to open and read my mail.

Feel free to open and check to contents of my wallet.

Feel free to pry into my computer.

Feel free to check my personal communication devices.

THEN

Feel free to pack your SHIT and GIT...

Or I will pack it for you.

Everyone is entitled to their personal space.
No trust means no relationship means no loss.
Respect and Trust are two sides to the same coin.

JMHO

 

[Supervert]

2. Unless you're a completely insecure head case who can't trust anyone

But isn't that what saved you in the first place, given the scenario?

"Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're NOT after you."

 

[altlover85]

But isn't that what saved you in the first place, given the scenario?

I think the basic theme of this thread is that if you have to resort to snooping then there are bigger problems in the relationship, namely a lack of trust.

 

[bankside]

Once again, a lack of trust is not a bigger issue than someone leading a secret life from you.

Someone's relationship is not over just because they went overboard in their suspicions. They can learn from their overreaction, if that is the case, and learn to be more trusting.

But if the spidey sense is tingling, find out what is or isn't going on, because your life might depend on it.

 

[TX-Beau]

That assumes that the other guy is leading a "secret life."

Which is not always the case. We've all dated those guys.

Plus it remains that someone else doing something shady does not excuse you for the shady things you do.

When you start snooping you do not know. You just have a suspicion - and if you have a suspicion, bring it the fuck up.

If you still have suspicion after that - you have a decision to make.

If you can't trust the guy you're with, do you think "proof" of his "secret life" is going to fix that?

Hell no.

 

[Lefty]

Two weeks since I gave my opinion and

having had TIME TO RETHINK my position.

I find that I still
Agree with me.

 

[Supervert]

Once again, a lack of trust is not a bigger issue than someone leading a secret life from you.

Someone's relationship is not over just because they went overboard in their suspicions. They can learn from their overreaction, if that is the case, and learn to be more trusting.

But if the spidey sense is tingling, find out what is or isn't going on, because your life might depend on it.

Amen.

Lack of trust is obviously a major issue, for any relationship; "proof"/finding the dirt that you're looking for (which shouldn't BE there, to begin with...) is not going to fix anything at present, but will spare you any future heartache if you decide to end it.

If it's not there, and you've got a solid relationship, your partner will care enough to try and understand what has you feeling insecure in the first place. I wouldn't want to be with somebody who is going to tell me to "pack my shit and git" anyway.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but there is always a lesser of two evils.

 

[fivewordsorless]

Whether or not you'd find something if you'd look, if you can't trust your partner to begin with, you probably shouldn't be dating them.