Children and age-difference relationships

[Titanic]

I was wondering whether anyone has experienced any problems with an older boyfriend having children (or the other way around, of course). As far as I can see this would be a huge hurdle to the relationship - I don't think I'd be able to continue a relationship that pulls a man and his children apart.

I understand that this is rare because not many gay men have children, I'm just interested since it's not something I had thought of until recently.

 

[star-warrior]

I'm moving this thread to the "Coming Out, Relationships and BiSex Talk" forum, as it has the potential for a good discussion.

 

[we32psu]

I really want to hear comments on this one too.

 

[Elwood]

Well I am an older guy (43) with kids. I came out at 38 after separating from my ex, the mother of my children. I have not had a relationship since my divorce, however I would definitely like one and I do not foresee my children causing me not to. I am curious as to why you think children would be a hurdle?

I am out to my kids and as soon as I find someone and it gets serious he will meet my kids. I have no plans on hiding who he is with my kids. Just as a hetero divorced dad I do not bring one night stands home when my kids are here, and it would have to be serious before I bring someone home to meet my kids. I honestly as a gay dad, do not see my kids as a hurtle. The only thing I could see is if my future partner absolutely hated kids and want nothing to do with them, well obviously my kids come first.

 

[we32psu]

Elwood,

Thanks for that. When you first meet a guy, do you let him know you have kids or is that something that comes up after a couple of dates? I am sort of in the same situation, but im in my 30's. I live in a small town, and guys my age are either freaks or twink chasers, and i am not into either, lol. I agree with the one night stand thing, not gonna happen when the kids are here, and the ex and i have setup ground rules for when we introduce our SO to the kids. She has followed it and I plan on it when i meet mr right, rather than mr ok for the evening.

Thanks for sharing!

 

[Elwood]

Elwood,

Thanks for that. When you first meet a guy, do you let him know you have kids or is that something that comes up after a couple of dates? I am sort of in the same situation, but im in my 30's. I live in a small town, and guys my age are either freaks or twink chasers, and i am not into either, lol. I agree with the one night stand thing, not gonna happen when the kids are here, and the ex and i have setup ground rules for when we introduce our SO to the kids. She has followed it and I plan on it when i meet mr right, rather than mr ok for the evening.

Thanks for sharing!

I will usually tell the guy before we go out, it is my feeling that, that is a pretty big thing to spring on a guy after a few dates. I have never had a bad reaction to me having kids, on the contrary guys are usually intrigued by my story, and find it interesting.

 

[wilecoyote]

Don't see how having kids should matter. As Elwood said, kids come first, period. If the other guy doesn't want kids/family, well there's no relationship then IMO.

 

[Titanic]

Well I am an older guy (43) with kids. I came out at 38 after separating from my ex, the mother of my children. I have not had a relationship since my divorce, however I would definitely like one and I do not foresee my children causing me not to. I am curious as to why you think children would be a hurdle?

Thanks for the replies one and all. I think some of you may be missing the point I was trying to make, though I see where you're coming from.

What I was thinking about was the age gap between the younger partner and the kids. I'll paint an example scene.

A man is either unaware of or uncomfortable with his homosexuality, and decides to do the "normal" thing of getting married and having kids at 23. Over time he comes to term with his homosexuality, divorces his wife and starts trying to find someone. He likes younger men, and at age 40 starts dating a 20 year old. This means that his kids will be 17 when their dad is dating a 20 year old.

I'd imagine that this would be uncomfortable for the children, and very difficult to accept, so it may cause a lot of friction in the family.

 

[Lube]

^ My case is similar to that, but not as extreme.

The mitigating circumstances in my case is that we're "only" 15 years apart, and he had his kids in his 30's so I'm a good 20 years older than his kids, and we're both "older". Somehow, a 45-year old with a 60-year old doesn't seem as extreme as a 20-year old with a 35-year old.

Nonetheless, it has raised eyebrows in his family and mine (and the neighbors), but nobody seems overly concerned with it because we seem so perfect for each other. (I've never heard people say that with anyone else I've ever been with.)

Sure, his kids and ex-wife and neighbors and my family were a little taken aback, but as they got to know me, they very quickly warmed up to us as a couple. 9 months after we met, it seems totally normal.

I imagine it would be a little rougher for a 40 y.o. and a 20 y.o.

It all depends on how well you guys fit together and how accepting the family is. I guarantee the acceptance won't be instant, though. But if you really love each other, what does it matter? As long as you don't try to make him abandon his kids, he should be secure enough to keep them at arms length if they resent you.

 

[Titanic]

It all depends on how well you guys fit together and how accepting the family is. I guarantee the acceptance won't be instant, though. But if you really love each other, what does it matter? As long as you don't try to make him abandon his kids, he should be secure enough to keep them at arms length if they resent you.

This is essentially what I had expected - it isn't exactly a situation that would make any relationship absolutely impossible, but it certainly makes it a heck of a lot harder. I imagine that you'd really have to be perfect partners to overcome such a hurdle and live with it every day.

 

[Lube]

This is essentially what I had expected - it isn't exactly a situation that would make any relationship absolutely impossible, but it certainly makes it a heck of a lot harder. I imagine that you'd really have to be perfect partners to overcome such a hurdle and live with it every day.

Well, nobody's expecting perfection.

In any case, it is what it is. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Don't beat your head against a wall. Just let it play out and see what happens.

 

[bankside]

When I was 24 I went on a couple of dates with a guy who was 40. He had a 19 year old son.

It was not the age difference between us. It was not the fact that I was closer to his son's age than his. It was not the fact that his son was old enough to have met up with us in a pub for drinks. But the guy wanted to get to know me in the bedroom first, and I'm just not into having flings. I don't think it gets a good relationship off to the best start, so I didn't pursue it.

I think we all would have had a good chuckle if I had gone on to become the step-dad of someone 5 years younger than me. I can just picture telling him to clean up his room and him saying "You're not my real dad! I hate you!" Sigh.

Anyway, I think any second-time-family has a lot of opportunity for drama, but a divorced parent should be completing a new family, which does not mean destroying what remains of an old family.

I don't think you should worry about getting in the way of this man and his children. You could be just what they need - the missing piece of the family puzzle.

 

[Titanic]

When I was 24 I went on a couple of dates with a guy who was 40. He had a 19 year old son.

It was not the age difference between us. It was not the fact that I was closer to his son's age than his. It was not the fact that his son was old enough to have met up with us in a pub for drinks. But the guy wanted to get to know me in the bedroom first, and I'm just not into having flings. I don't think it gets a good relationship off to the best start, so I didn't pursue it.

I think we all would have had a good chuckle if I had gone on to become the step-dad of someone 5 years younger than me. I can just picture telling him to clean up his room and him saying "You're not my real dad! I hate you!" Sigh.

Anyway, I think any second-time-family has a lot of opportunity for drama, but a divorced parent should be completing a new family, which does not mean destroying what remains of an old family.

I don't think you should worry about getting in the way of this man and his children. You could be just what they need - the missing piece of the family puzzle.

Thanks for the post, it's interesting to hear about your experience. I do have to ask though, would your opinion be different if the younger man were the same age as the children?

 

[bankside]

I am somewhat sceptical of a very large age difference in relationships. I have seen some work (even in my family) and I have seen most not based on solid reasons. Sometimes the older person only likes dating 19 year olds. When their partner isn't 19 any more, they lose interest. Sometimes the younger person only likes dating people who feel way more mature and put together. After a few years when the younger person matures to the same point, he feels let down that the older person only got older instead of more "mature."

But I have also seen a perfect match with 30 years difference. In this case though they got together when the younger person was 30 and had lived a little bit. The children were also 30 & 32 so they had grown up already and it was a different situation...