choosing between love and sex

[randyrides]

I imagine most guys here are younger, and haven't faced this predicament yet. I am in a fifteen year relationship with a man in his early 50's. I understand that with aging and the drop in testosterone, some men experience a drop in their sex drive and some have problems with erectile dysfunction, but I wasn't prepared for what has happened to us.

how do you handle it when a long time partner, with whom you have enjoyed many years of hot down and dirty, smoking, humping, greasy, sweaty monkey sex, suddenly loses interest in sex altogether, has problems even getting an erection, and in general, turns your relationship, against your will, into a sexless one?

I love this man. I can't stop loving him just because we aren't going to be sexual any more, but I can't live without sex either. Is this my choice, either live without sex and be with the man I love, or give up the man I love so I can have a sexual life? I don't want to hurt him in any way, and sleeping with someone else would definitely hurt him. And I respect him too much to lie to him.

On the other hand I have to admit to a certain amount of resentment and anger because I feel like I'm being forced into a celibate life, when clearly I am still a highly sexed individual with physical needs of my own. He seems to have made this decision about our relationship without considering the position it puts me in.
Masturbation is fine when actual sex isn't an option, but to know that is all the sex life I have, or may ever have again, it kind of isn't enough.

this is the first and only time I said this to anyone. Anonymity allows for it, I guess, but this started two years ago and I'm still in the relationship. Lately I am starting to feel less and less gracious about it. It would be easy to walk away were not every other facet of our partnership absolutely wonderful. The man does love me, truly, with all his heart. Just no sex.
And I'm beginning to wonder if that "just no sex" thing might just become a dealbreaker.

I don't want to choose between love and sex. I don't know how.

 

[G-Lexington]

You don't have to choose.

Sit down and have a talk with him. Tell him you love him completely, you totally understand what's going on, but you really miss having sex. Ask if you can work on some sort of compromise. Can he suck you off? Hold you in his arms and stroke you off? Make out with you while you stroke yourself off? And how often? Would once or twice a week be enough? You don't have to set a schedule or anything - "Sundays and Wednesdays" - but figure out roughly how often you'd like to do this.

He may be a bit reluctant to talk about this - it IS easier to just pretend nothing's wrong - but if he loves you, he'll listen, and be willing to give it a go.

Lex

 

[WYSIWYG]

Well, I am in the same boat, sort of, so to speak. Due to taking high blood pressure meds, I have a hard time getting hard. I get upset about it. My bf, 30 years younger than me is okay with me not getting totally hard, but I feel 'inferior'. We have discussed it and he does not want me to take the blue pill...just be natural, relax and see what happens. He has gotten me off in some different places that I would not have had intimate sex with him in.

When you get older your body does things you might never have expected or wanted to have happen. Some people can not handle the changes.

I agree with Lex, both of you need to sit down and discuss the situation. Since both you have been together for so long, you must have some communication skills available to you. As Lex said, talk and get back into it gradually. Do things to boost his ego, and yours.

 

[randyrides]

thanks for the input. It's a complicated situation we find ourselves in; he is embarassed by his inability to function sexually, he feels guilty and sees himself as a disappointment to me. I have always thought that the more he obsesses on it, the more likely the dysfunction. I have tried many times to get him talking about it, but a kind of wall comes up, he is just so mortified by the loss of his sex drive, and I think he is also afraid it will inevitably cause me to leave the relationship.

We have tried, or made some rather clumsy attempts to find ways to keep me taken care of, but it seems to make it even worse. If he strokes me or goes down on me, my sexual excitement translates into wanting him even more. I automatically reach for his cock, I want him hard again, I want him feeding me his dick, I want him inside me, in other words, in all the ways he used to give himself to me. These attempts, and the one sidedness the sexual interaction, just serve to remind us both that things aren't right.

There's another aspect to this too. I am the bottom in this relationship [in fact, in any relationship I've had]. That's my sexual identity. It is who I am in bed, it's what I want to be, and he has always been the perfect top for me. Our sex life was really good because we were fortunate enough to compliment each others needs so well. He wanted to do to me exactly what I wanted done to me. We fed off each other's needs and satisfied each other perfectly.

I really do believe that 99% of sex is between your ears, not your legs, and now to add to my misery we are missing that sexual/emotional dynamic - how can I be the bottom if he is servicing me? Not to get roles carved in stone, but it is hard to get my mind around it, that the man that I so badly want in my mouth and inside me is only going to jack me off? or worse, suck me off without any reciprocity on my part? I tell you, it's complicated. I don't even know how to put it into words really except to say it not only doesn't work on a physical level, it doesn't work on a mental/emotional level. It just isn't on.

And when he tries to satisfy me, and it doesn't work so well [yeah he can make me come, but it's kind of joyless and I feel selfish and guilty afterwards] then that awkwardness means he won't try again, and he sees himself as even more of a failure to me, and it's just a vicious circle.

anyway, look at me, I haven't talked to anyone about this, and now I can't seem to shut up or leave out any details...

I just don't know where it's going from here. My dick tells me I should find a discreet nsa fuck buddy, someone who wouldn't threaten our relationship but would fill the sexual void for me. But thankfully I learned long ago my dick has it's own agenda and is not to be trusted. My heart tells me that being with the love of my life takes priority over everything, including sex.

Meanwhile, thank God for the Internet, cause while my dick and my heart battle it out, I'm jerking off to porn alone, perhaps a little bit desperately....

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, not sure what to say, then. I'd suggest getting some sex toys and putting them to good use, but I'm not sure that's the real issue here anymore. I'm beginning to understand why he's reluctant to talk about it. You seem to be putting the blame squarely on his shoulders for his dysfunction - that if he really wanted to, he'd get his brain in gear, get that cock up, and fuck you like he used to.

I'd say it's time to talk about opening the relationship. A s I have a feeling that's the only solution here.

Lex

 

[randyrides]

funny you should say that, as actually, for the better part of the last two years, I had been putting the blame squarely ...on myself. I didn't get for a very long time that it wasn't my fault...I didn't make him hot any more, he didn't find me attractive any more, yadda yadda yadda.

I'm clearly not saying all of this right, and if I can't explain it I can hardly expect someone else to understand it.

You don't know how intricate intimacy is, and how many levels it operates on, until it isn't there any more. It isn't just about mechanics; you're right, they sell dildoes every day if that's all that was required. It's not just about Part A going into Part B, rinse, repeat....it's the connecting I'm missing , that place we reached when as two people, we used to be so close, so connected, that we felt like one.

oh brother...it's getting too deep even for me.

 

[G-Lexington]

Dude, I've been there.

I've been in a relationship with someone who, due to circumstances beyond his control, couldn't perform.

I know what it's like to have that part of your life taken away.

I had a few options.
I could accept it and resign myself to a sexless existence.
I could attempt to work out a compromise.
I could insist on an open relationship.
Or I could leave.

The same options are open to you.
Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

Before you do anything, your partner needs to see a urologist.

Sexual function does not suddenly decline without a good reason. If you are sure that your partner is not involved with someone outside your relationship, then he should eliminate any underlying phyical cause.

 

[randyrides]

he did get checked out. they ruled out anything organic...no diabetes, no injury or damage to nerves or veins, no kidney problems, etc. He does not drink alcohol or do drugs. We've been through every possible scenario and finally the prognosis was that it was stress related. Also they said it was common after a few episodes of dysfunction to become so afraid it would happen again, that it would. The problem becomes how to break the cycle.

when you are the partner in this situation, you walk a fine line between being encouraging and supportive and resentful and hurt...your encouragement has to hit just the right level or it can be misconstrued as added pressure. This is tricky stuff. And yes, there are times when I can feel very put upon, and I do just want him to "get over it, get hard, and fuck me"...It's a real challenge to do the right thing and say the right thing every time, being a flawed human being myself. I do my best. We're working on it the only way we know how, which is to try to eliminate as much anxiety from the situation as possible. I am determined that the source of the anxiety or the stress will not be me.

checked the phone book; not one support group for emotionally conflicted, sexually frustrated partners of gay men experiencing stress-related erectile dsyfunction. go figure.

I remain hopeful and committed. sometimes, though, the specter of a sexless rest of my life looms large, and none of the options available to me are very palatable.
Hence the rant. Thanks for your input.

 

[fiorio]

come on, u can let him suck you, jerk you, lick you, make love to you. there is a lot of different kinds sexual activities.

 

[alley]

So is viagra not an option?

 

[KaraBulut]

So is viagra not an option?

The problem is that Viagra doesn't make erections, it prolongs erections. So, he would have to be able to get it up for Viagra to keep it up.

I was surprised that they didn't try him on testosterone supplementation.

 

[G-Lexington]

...

Lex