So this is my first blog entry. Don't know how regular I'll be if at all but thought I'd write something. Don't really know where to start so I'll just wing it.
It's 11:51pm Christmas Eve and I've just been thinking back over the last year of my life. Been a strange year.....in a good way mostly. I guess one of the biggest changes for me this year would be in my sex life. I've basically been slutty most of my life until 10 months ago. I was with this guy that I'd been with before, not a boyfriend, just a sex partner. When we finished, I was driving home and was thinking to myself...."What the hell am I doing?". Sex without love just lost its appeal to me like instantly. You must know that in my whole life, and I'm 30-something years old, I have had tons of gay sex. The longest period I've ever gone without was almost 5 months. But suddenly, I kind of just knew that that encounter back last February was the end of it. I'm still slightly puzzled by the abrupt cessation of my desire for casual sex when it has been such a part of my identity for most of my life. I don't know of anyone who has had this experience but would love to hear from anyone who has.
I find myself pining for love everyday of my life. I'm not in a loving relationship nor have I ever been, but God, how I crave to love and be loved. Maybe my deep desire for love overrode my desire for sex and something triggered in my subconscious mind. Who knows? All I do know is that I've had a major mindset shift. Where I used to fantasize about sex all the time, my mind now dwells on and dreams about love. What I find most surprising is that it was like a light switch. One day I'm having casual sex and then it stopped and I've not had any in just over 10 months.
I'm really kind of glad about the whole ordeal. I feel so much better about myself now. I still feel an emptiness inside but I know that sex will never fill that void. Sure, I get horny from time to time but I simply masturbate and get myself off. I do want someone in my life with whom I can talk and laugh and love. In fact as I'm typing, the thought crosses my mind that maybe my desire for a significant other prompted the whole abstinence thing. I mean, having casual sex is sabotaging myself really. Who wants a partner who just hooks up with everybody, right? I wouldn't. So maybe it's my subconscious telling me that if I really want someone I must first get my priorities straight. Love is far more important than sex. But if I'm out having sex with everyone, my actions are not in harmony with the belief I have that love truly is more important. I can say that love is more important but what are words if I still just go hook up with whoever? My actions would say that I believe sex is more significant. Interesting that I've not thought of some of this until right now while writing it out. I maybe completely crazy or I actually maybe on to something.
Isn't it cool when you're all alone and reflective that you see how deeply complex we creatures are? Just when you think you know everything about yourself, life hands you an experience that forces you to see new and different things. I do love life. Mine has been far from "rosy", but in spite of all the heartaches and pain, I still have a passion for life and want to accomplish so much in my lifetime. The saddest thing right now is that I don't have anyone to share my passion with. Therein lies the reason I blog tonight. But.........this Christmas I find and embrace a renewed hope that my future is brighter than ever before and I am worthy of love and I will find someone who I can share my heart and life with. I believe that we emit vibes unknowingly and they reflect how we really feel about ourselves. For most of my life, I've felt inferior and bad about myself. Well no wonder I don't have anyone. I'm sure people have sensed those vibes just as I sense vibes others emit. Well, no more. I don't feel inferior or bad about who I am anymore. Maybe I'm just a late bloomer entering a new phase of self discovery. Well so what if I am late? Better late than never, eh? My love just maybe around the next corner of my life. I'd be a fool to give up hoping now.
I hope those of you who actually read this "lengthy" blog can feel my passion and are invigorated by it. Writing this was cathartic. Life is too short to not be the best persons we can be. What better time than Christmas to show some kindness to another soul. But my wish tonight is that you'll be kind to yourselves first. When you treat yourself well, it's a lot easier and far more natural to treat others well. Merry Christmas everyone and thanks for reading my thoughts.
It's 11:51pm Christmas Eve and I've just been thinking back over the last year of my life. Been a strange year.....in a good way mostly. I guess one of the biggest changes for me this year would be in my sex life. I've basically been slutty most of my life until 10 months ago. I was with this guy that I'd been with before, not a boyfriend, just a sex partner. When we finished, I was driving home and was thinking to myself...."What the hell am I doing?". Sex without love just lost its appeal to me like instantly. You must know that in my whole life, and I'm 30-something years old, I have had tons of gay sex. The longest period I've ever gone without was almost 5 months. But suddenly, I kind of just knew that that encounter back last February was the end of it. I'm still slightly puzzled by the abrupt cessation of my desire for casual sex when it has been such a part of my identity for most of my life. I don't know of anyone who has had this experience but would love to hear from anyone who has.
I find myself pining for love everyday of my life. I'm not in a loving relationship nor have I ever been, but God, how I crave to love and be loved. Maybe my deep desire for love overrode my desire for sex and something triggered in my subconscious mind. Who knows? All I do know is that I've had a major mindset shift. Where I used to fantasize about sex all the time, my mind now dwells on and dreams about love. What I find most surprising is that it was like a light switch. One day I'm having casual sex and then it stopped and I've not had any in just over 10 months.
I'm really kind of glad about the whole ordeal. I feel so much better about myself now. I still feel an emptiness inside but I know that sex will never fill that void. Sure, I get horny from time to time but I simply masturbate and get myself off. I do want someone in my life with whom I can talk and laugh and love. In fact as I'm typing, the thought crosses my mind that maybe my desire for a significant other prompted the whole abstinence thing. I mean, having casual sex is sabotaging myself really. Who wants a partner who just hooks up with everybody, right? I wouldn't. So maybe it's my subconscious telling me that if I really want someone I must first get my priorities straight. Love is far more important than sex. But if I'm out having sex with everyone, my actions are not in harmony with the belief I have that love truly is more important. I can say that love is more important but what are words if I still just go hook up with whoever? My actions would say that I believe sex is more significant. Interesting that I've not thought of some of this until right now while writing it out. I maybe completely crazy or I actually maybe on to something.
Isn't it cool when you're all alone and reflective that you see how deeply complex we creatures are? Just when you think you know everything about yourself, life hands you an experience that forces you to see new and different things. I do love life. Mine has been far from "rosy", but in spite of all the heartaches and pain, I still have a passion for life and want to accomplish so much in my lifetime. The saddest thing right now is that I don't have anyone to share my passion with. Therein lies the reason I blog tonight. But.........this Christmas I find and embrace a renewed hope that my future is brighter than ever before and I am worthy of love and I will find someone who I can share my heart and life with. I believe that we emit vibes unknowingly and they reflect how we really feel about ourselves. For most of my life, I've felt inferior and bad about myself. Well no wonder I don't have anyone. I'm sure people have sensed those vibes just as I sense vibes others emit. Well, no more. I don't feel inferior or bad about who I am anymore. Maybe I'm just a late bloomer entering a new phase of self discovery. Well so what if I am late? Better late than never, eh? My love just maybe around the next corner of my life. I'd be a fool to give up hoping now.
I hope those of you who actually read this "lengthy" blog can feel my passion and are invigorated by it. Writing this was cathartic. Life is too short to not be the best persons we can be. What better time than Christmas to show some kindness to another soul. But my wish tonight is that you'll be kind to yourselves first. When you treat yourself well, it's a lot easier and far more natural to treat others well. Merry Christmas everyone and thanks for reading my thoughts.