Churchless Funerals

[BearBoi]

A small reception in the Funeral home (most feature some type of hall-like facility, even if only a small one), than directly off to the grave yard, followed by a gathering of close loved ones at a home. Pretty simple. If you want, you can hire a licensed officiate for the process too, and they need not be religious.

And ya, you gotta make these plans widely known NOW.

True story; I was in the hospital several years ago, and these Catholic Nuns kept vising me every early afternoon. Now, I'm not Catholic -- I'm not even Christian -- so this was a little off-putting, since their otherwise kind words were heavily peppered with Jesus-this and Christ-that. I also found it off-putting since they seemed to single me out from the other 3 people in the room. (I was on the top of the list for a private room and got it on day 4!)

So, I had my friend ask at the front desk if I was on some kind of list or something. Sure enough, I was! Because on my charts, somewhere in the distant past, shortly after I was born, someone recorded my father's declared religion as Catholic.

Thus, I was on their lists.

So... get your final plans and wishes on paper now buster, else you never know what you might end up with.

 

[The_Reaper]

I think BearBoi has covered most of this; basically, it's a service done within the funeral home, where either you can have an official speak or not.

As far as I know, there's two ways to set this up: One, you can actually put in your will the conditions of your burial and funeral...

Two, you can arrange the service for yourself prior to your passing at the funeral home of your choice. It's a bit morbid, but if you want your funeral to go exactly the way you want it, then it's a good enough investment. (I believe you pay over time, but don't quote me on that.)

 

[jft245]

Pick you funeral home or director now and pre-pay your funeral. Then you direct what you want. Our local director has told me that a few people have opted for no calling hours or service, even for family members. I plan to be cremated and have made arrangements to have the cremation society that I belong to scatter my ashes with no gathering or ceremony at all. What my family does is up to them, but my remains will not be part of it.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Has anyone here been to a funeral that didn't involve a church service?

It just hit me that if something were to happen to me, my family would most likely have a funeral service offered through a church. I never ever want this to happen. But I'm unaware of how these things are handled otherwise.

How do most atheists handle their funeral preparations? (Not planning on dying anytime soon, but you can never be too prepared, right?)

Here it's quite common.

When my cousin died, they simply had a funeral at the mortuary with three of his favorite songs.

This is what they usually play at serious, but unreligious funerals.



(Yes it's Amazing Grace, the singer calls herself Mieke Tel[STRIKE]camp[/STRIKE]kamp).

Nineties parody...

 

[Queerwitch]

I've given this some thought as well. If I die without a partner who can make arrangements for me, that task will likely fall to Christian relatives. I really don't want Bible verses read over my embalmed shell, or any mention of Jesus Christ or Christianity.

I happen to be Wiccan, so I'd want my last rites to reflect that, maybe have some chants sung at the service. However, if you are isolated and have no Wiccan clergy available, what then? Having recently become UU, I can now hope that a UU minister would fill the role a Wiccan priest/priestess would if one isn't available, but not all UU fellowships have hired clergy.

If anything, I want people to share memories, read poetry, and there are 2 specific songs I'd like peformed. I'd like to have a rainbow flag either on/in the coffin if I have one, or otherwise prominently displayed. I want very few flowers, and donations given to charities such as Matthew Shepard Foundation.

After my dad had a bout with serious illness last year, I offered to purchase cemetery lots for them, and then I got one for myself. I don't know if I'll use it, or whether a partner would want to be buried there with me, I may just sell it or give it to a sibling. I'm undecided on whether to be cremated (and whether to have ashes buried in the plot or scattered), or have a traditional burial. And if I'm given a traditional burial, should the pallbearers be dressed in drag or in speedos? I do know I don't want money wasted on a fancy coffin and proctective underground vault, or an overly fancy urn for that matter. That's just money thrown away, in my view. The casket will likely disintegrate once underground, and won't "protect" the corpse forever. Green burial is an attractive option, but unfortunately is not widely available the U.S. right now.

Some things I'd like to know are... do these wishes need to made known in a formal will, or can they be written on a piece of paper (and where would you need to keep that paper?). And if you do pre-plan your service, at what age should you do this? I'm relatively young still, and I have the impression that pre-planning funerals is something retirement-age people do. I've seen a few pre-need monuments placed in local cemeteries by people as young as their 30s and 40s. I don't know what to think about that.

In the end, I won't know the difference whether I'm entombed in the men's room at my favorite night club, planted in a garden, or fed to wolves, and would like to think the best preparation for death is to live a full and happy life.

 

[jaysizzles]

I've been to a few services that were only held at the funeral parlor. All but one still included prayers, but I think it was just what the departed and family wanted and believed. Straight to cemetery or funeral breakfast afterwards

The one that didn't include religion, the guy was cremated already (no embalming or viewing/casket.) They had the typical wake where everyone just got together and visited and looked at pictures, etc., on the 1st day. The following morning the service was at the funeral parlor...no minister, just close friends and family giving some eulogies. The funeral parlor seemed to have a system down because it had the air of a typical service with no religion included. Breakfast afterwards at a restaurant.

That's what I think I want...but I haven't made arrangements yet. I should and will someday just so nobody else has to go through the bother and expense at the time, and it'll be done the way I want it.

A friend of mine is a funeral director...it's very common for people to come in and make pre-arrangements. Payments can be made over time and are placed into some kind of secured account.

 

[thewiz]

Make sure your wishes for after death and end-of-life are legally recorded and known to as many as possible.

My sister had breast cancer which had metastasized through her lymph nodes to other parts of her body. She and I had discussed that her husband was a boob and would likely never be able to make any decision when it came to her final care. However, in Michigan a "living will" is not valid (or wasn't at the time). I was to tell the doctors and nurses that she should not be resuscitated.

Well, all of us had visted and the doctor let us know Marilyn had decided she was not going to do any more chemo; the cancer wasn't responding. He estimated she would slowly go into a coma and so everyone said their goodbyes and we all left; her husband stayed after everyone left.

I just walked into our house about an hour away when I got a call from the hospital. Marilyn had coded but her husband was sitting there and they had to ask him what he wanted for her; he blurted out to resuscitate!! Needless to say she lived for three weeks later struggling to take each and every breath while in a coma.

My husband and I have discussed and put into writing that we are not to be resuscitated and that we want to be allowed to die if we will have no quality of life. Each of us will be cremated; I worked for a funeral director part-time and saw what waste occurs so that loved ones have "silky pillows" and "cedar smells" surrounding them in the grave. Of course those cost $10,000 or more sometimes.

My nephew's funeral was at the public safety department for which he volunteered. It was beautiful and the service featured those with whom he was best friends. Ours will likely be in a church setting, but hopefully with a priest friend who is gay and is friends with us. If not, it can be done at the funeral home by our former-priest friend (whose wedding I officiated last night to his husband).

The important thing is pre-planning and making sure your partner knows your wishes. The funeral is not for the dead but for the living; therefore if nothing is left, those will be who call the shots.

 

[giftart]

Well I wish that when I die my organs can be donated to people and that I be cremated and my ash scattered in t he moutain or just with the wind and be with one with the earth.

 

[PreTTy PeTe]

I want this type of funeral

When I'm done with my body then it's of no use to me anymore after they harvest the organs that they need.

Just put me in a place with no memorial and no coffin so that I can give back to the earth

Dust to Dust

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJxfFc_t5HY[/ame]

 

[Lord Booticus]

It just hit me that if something were to happen to me, my family would most likely have a funeral service offered through a church. I never ever want this to happen. But I'm unaware of how these things are handled otherwise.

I went to a funeral recently and during the prayers and hyms I got to thinking about my own funeral and how I thought having prayers and hyms would be silly for my funeral due to lack of belief in it all. But then I realised that a funeral isn't actually for the person who's dead. Well technically it is, but its actually for everyone left behind.

People find comfert and closure in funerals; I'll be dead so you can throw my body in a ditch for all I care, but if the ones left behind find that it'll help them to move on with their lives if they get a priest to say some pretty words, have some prayers and a few hyms I'm more than happy to let them.

 

[mbamike]

^ I agree with you Lord Booticus that funerals are for the living, not for the deceased. However, one still needs to be careful with the priest, minister, etc. that one gets to speak at the funeral. The reason I say this is that my friend Marvin who is gay and out told me about a funeral he went to in which the guy died of AIDS.

That dumbass Baptist minister stated during the service that Jim, the deceased person who was openly gay, was in hell for his "lifestyle" and had reaped his "just rewards!"

Now, what comfort did this give to Jim's family to hear this kind of shit during his funeral? Marvin said he got so mad he wanted to punch the minister. So, make sure the speaker/church is gay-friendly so nothing like this happens during your funeral.

 

[Queerwitch]

^ I agree with you Lord Booticus that funerals are for the living, not for the deceased. However, one still needs to be careful with the priest, minister, etc. that one gets to speak at the funeral. The reason I say this is that my friend Marvin who is gay and out told me about a funeral he went to in which the guy died of AIDS.

That dumbass Baptist minister stated during the service that Jim, the deceased person who was openly gay, was in hell for his "lifestyle" and had reaped his "just rewards!"

Now, what comfort did this give to Jim's family to hear this kind of shit during his funeral? Marvin said he got so mad he wanted to punch the minister. So, make sure the speaker/church is gay-friendly so nothing like this happens during your funeral.

Yet another reason for me to dislike the Baptist religion. That f*cking *sshole deserved to be punched! How cruel, not to mention arrogant on his part to presume to know the eternal destination of the deceased. No man or woman living has the right to judge such a thing.

My former denomination refuses to give the "full" honors at the funerals of suicides, or anyone deemed unworthy. More judgemental b.s. that's hurtful to the survivors. (The opposite extreme is the funeral of someone known to be a complete jackass, who is made out to be like Mother Teresa.)

 

[evanrick]

is it morbid to want to witness ones own funeral?

 

[Queerwitch]

is it morbid to want to witness ones own funeral?

I know of psychics who say that we will see our own funerals. Whether you believe that's true, or whether you believe in an afterlife at all is a whole different thing.

I remember reading about a very eccentric man who bought his coffin and had a "rehearsal" funeral years before his death, with him even lying in the casket. And believe it or not, people showed up, and said nice things about him. Now, that's weird...

Oh, and there's the Golden Girls episode where Sophia wants to have her wake while she's still alive. Gotta love the Girls.

 

[MystikWizard]

Has anyone here been to a funeral that didn't involve a church service?

It just hit me that if something were to happen to me, my family would most likely have a funeral service offered through a church. I never ever want this to happen. But I'm unaware of how these things are handled otherwise.

How do most atheists handle their funeral preparations? (Not planning on dying anytime soon, but you can never be too prepared, right?)

I've been thinking of this, ironically enough, myself for the past two weeks or so and am interested in the same thing.

 

[MystikWizard]

^ I agree with you Lord Booticus that funerals are for the living, not for the deceased. However, one still needs to be careful with the priest, minister, etc. that one gets to speak at the funeral. The reason I say this is that my friend Marvin who is gay and out told me about a funeral he went to in which the guy died of AIDS.

That dumbass Baptist minister stated during the service that Jim, the deceased person who was openly gay, was in hell for his "lifestyle" and had reaped his "just rewards!"

Now, what comfort did this give to Jim's family to hear this kind of shit during his funeral? Marvin said he got so mad he wanted to punch the minister. So, make sure the speaker/church is gay-friendly so nothing like this happens during your funeral.

My apologies for doubting this account. I simply cannot believe that a priest for an actual funeral for the deceased would announce to the entire congregation during the funeral that the deceased "was in Hell and reaping rewards for his lifestyle."

I would need to see it to believe it.

 

[mbamike]

My apologies for doubting this account. I simply cannot believe that a priest for an actual funeral for the deceased would announce to the entire congregation during the funeral that the deceased "was in Hell and reaping rewards for his lifestyle."

I would need to see it to believe it.

You need to consider this Baptist "minister" is a good 'ol boy in Tennessee. He never went to seminary which is very common in the south.

 

[MystikWizard]

You need to consider this Baptist "minister" is a good 'ol boy in Tennessee. He never went to seminary which is very common in the south.

Understood.

But regardless, it still is a funeral we are talking about here. The minister is getitng a fee from the family for speaking (could be in the form of a donation to the church). You would think that if he said something like this during the service, he would not only kiss his fee from the family goodbye, but would lose numerous parishioners from those in attendance and simply by word of mouth.

What did your friend say that the parents of the deceased said/did as a result of these words during the funeral?

 

[thewiz]

Well I wish that when I die my organs can be donated to people and that I be cremated and my ash scattered in t he moutain or just with the wind and be with one with the earth.

My husband and I have put this in our wills and made sure our family knows our wishes; registered when we got our driver's licenses. It is sad how many good organs go to waste each year and people die because families refuse to allow donation or even consider it. When I'm gone, I could care less if my heart and every other part is used to give someone else life; I and my hubby are being cremated anyway.

 

[mbamike]

But regardless, it still is a funeral we are talking about here. The minister is getitng a fee from the family for speaking (could be in the form of a donation to the church). You would think that if he said something like this during the service, he would not only kiss his fee from the family goodbye, but would lose numerous parishioners from those in attendance and simply by word of mouth.

What did your friend say that the parents of the deceased said/did as a result of these words during the funeral?

Not hardly. Baptist believe being gay is a choice, homosexuality is sin and all gays are going to hell. If a minister preaches anything else, his parishioners would run him off.