Churchless Funerals

[ChickenGuy]

I've realised the irony that since I come from a very religious community, I'll be given a church funeral and burial, despite the fact that I'm an atheist. I'm not really that concerned - I won't be around to witness it, lol.

I already know where I'll be buried - there are three spaces in the cemetery that were given to us when my mother passed away 10 years ago. I will lie on one side of her, and my dad will lie on the other. It's strangely comforting in a way.

I may not be religious, but a lot of my extended family are, and if a church service provides some comfort to them when I'm gone, then I'm OK with that. It makes no difference to me.

 

[Queerwitch]

Understood.

But regardless, it still is a funeral we are talking about here. The minister is getitng a fee from the family for speaking (could be in the form of a donation to the church). You would think that if he said something like this during the service, he would not only kiss his fee from the family goodbye, but would lose numerous parishioners from those in attendance and simply by word of mouth.

What did your friend say that the parents of the deceased said/did as a result of these words during the funeral?

It's not a long stretch to believe that some people are just complete creeps with no conscience, and could care less about other's feelings, whether they are being paid for their "services" or not. One ultra-conservative denomination/cult in my area regularly condemns to hell deceased members who haven't had a certain kind of vision, right to the faces of grieving loved ones... Consider the Phelpses, and the televangelists who are only too happy to say certain people are in hell, and could care less if they are causing someone emotional trauma. Religion can and sadly does often bring out humanity's dark side.

If you read the book or watched the movie "Prayers for Bobby," the minister at Mary Griffith's church said something similar about Bobby at his funeral, and the parents just sat through it and took it. And understand, people are brainwashed by homophobic churches for years on end, and will not question what an authority figure says, even if it's cruel and flies in the face of decency. In some cases, the family members probably agree with the minister, all the more tragic.

Of course, this has nothing to do with churchless funerals, which in the case of the deceased person in question, would have been a better option.

 

[MystikWizard]

Not hardly. Baptist believe being gay is a choice, homosexuality is sin and all gays are going to hell. If a minister preaches anything else, his parishioners would run him off.

What did the family say to the minister after the service?

 

[Orlandude]

Just pre-arrange a simple, non-religious memorial service. Often, at a memorial service, the body is not even present. It is a way for your family and friends to celebrate your life and bring closure. You can also arrange for a "direct cremation", where, upon your death, you have instructed that your body be immediately cremated and have your ashes scattered. What your survivors want to do after that is up to them. As long as you have it in writing as to what will happen, your wishes are the priority and nobody can change them. You can discuss this, in confidence, with any funeral director.

 

[SuprSonic]

I see several folks mentioning organ donation in this thread. I was under the impression that organs fall under the same rules as blood, and that gay men were not considered eligible donors.

 

[Queerwitch]

Again, at what age do you seriously consider doing this? I'm in my early thirties. I'm afraid the funeral director would look at me like I was crazy (or morbid) if I went to them asking about pre-planning. Perhaps in another ten or twenty years? Right now, I have enough other debts and expenses, let alone paying on my funeral, which hopefully won't take place for another 40-60 years. Not that there are any guarantees. I've been to more young people's funerals or visitations than I care to remember.

 

[unloadonme]

My Father and Grandfather at their own request both had funerals conducted by the British Humanist Association. They were much more personal and moving ceremonies than the Church of England funerals I've attended.

http://www.humanism.org.uk/home

 

[Knucklehead]

Cool topic Naughty..My Stepmom just died a few weeks ago and aside from the Crucifix that was mounted to the wall in the funeral home,we made sure to not have any overt religious displays at her service.

We had no funeral,just the informal service at the funeral home.She was then cremated and her ashes divided between my dad,my sister and myself.

She was born and raised in Brooklyn and like me,had always loved The Green-Wood Cemetery.So,just the other day I took her ashes,along with those of her mother and son Red and scattered them up near the Statue of Minerva and her Altar of Liberty in Green Wood Cemetery..

The Statue is the highest point in Brooklyn and is said to be waving at the Statue of Liberty..I thought it was a pretty cool place to be set free and I'm hoping to be scattered in the same place..

 

[CowboyBob]

That dumbass Baptist minister stated during the service that Jim, the deceased person who was openly gay, was in hell for his "lifestyle" and had reaped his "just rewards!"

Now, what comfort did this give to Jim's family to hear this kind of shit during his funeral? Marvin said he got so mad he wanted to punch the minister. So, make sure the speaker/church is gay-friendly so nothing like this happens during your funeral.

This is the lowest of the low. That Baptist minister should have been kicked out of the building. If I was there I would have done that. How dare he judge someone like that?

My sister has a tendency to hijack other people's requests when it comes to cermonies, so I planned for this. She wants everything done to please her. When my brother died he had specific requests, but she overrode everything and none of my brother's wishes were fulfilled. I'll never forgive her for that.

Knowing this, I went to the funeral home and filled out a pre-need contract. It lists how I want everything done from the cremation, the memorial service at the funeral home (no church service) and what to do with my cremated remains (buried next to my companion Dan's grave, NOT in the family plot). No one can hijack my wishes. And it's already paid for.

 

[mbamike]

What did the family say to the minister after the service?

From what I can gather, the minister's statement was to shock Jim's gay friends who attended his funeral in an attempt to save them from the gay lifestyle. It just pissed Marvin off.

 

[ixthrock]

I won't mind a church service if it comforts my survivors - ALL of them.
The funeral I went to in a dress - a young couple had been killed in a car wreck - two services, held two days apart. At the first service I attended, "white trash formal," (new jeans, nice shirt, dark shoes) No mention was made of the young men's relationship. The small church and the family were overwhelmed by the young man's number of friends - they simply had no idea. A frined requested I do drag for the second - it was bad, ugly, drag, and I felt terrible, feeling as though I upstaged the service - but it did bring comfort to the gay couple's friends.

I've stated repeatedly to all my family members, though - my ashes are to be kept in shaker-top bottles in the spice cupboards of those who loved me, with a simple label with my name on it.

 

[anchihiro]

My dad says he doesn't care what happens to him when he dies. Just put him in the rubbish bin and wait for the garbage men he says.

 

[maxpowr9]

This is the joy of a will. You can say that you refuse to have a funeral service in a church. It is never too early to start a will. There are lots of accidents that can happen and it is better to plan something out. Nobody really likes to think about death. My parents wrote up their first will when my mom got pregnant with my older brother.

Most people that forgo a funeral service either donate their body to "science" or get cremated. I would probably donate my cadaver to science if I passed away.