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closet guy

JoeyLj

JoeyLj

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Hi, this guy who I've known for a while, (we're in the same group of friends) recently told me he wanted to tell me something, so we met up and he said he was gay, and that he liked me. I was kind of surprised, and anyway he said not to tell ANYONE. Then we just talked for a while and I went home.

Then I don't know why, but the next day I felt really bad, I kept thinking about him because to be honest he doesn;t seem happy right now, and I know what its like being in the closet. He's quite old too.

And to be honest it felt like too big a secret to keep, so I told a girl that we're mutual friends with (I chose her because she'd already said she thought he was gay) and then anyway we both started crying and stuff because we know it cant be easy for him, and she said she kind of knew anyway.

And now I feel really guilty for telling when I said I wouldn't. I'd know how I would feel if someone did that to me. But after I told, I felt a lot better myself, (selfish?) and did feel I'd done the right thing.

Thoughts?? What should I do next? Did I do the right thing
 
No, you didn't. You didn't accomplish anything by telling your female friend other than getting to share a secret, and you did it by going against the trust placed on you by your friend. Some might decide that what you did was understandable, but I don't know anybody who would say it was "the right thing".

What should you do next? Talk to your friend again. You might set the stage by saying "You know, Susan confided in me that she thought you might be gay, but I told her I wasn't sure yet." (Which may be something you said in the past - up to you.) Then try to find out why he's still in the closet. Try to get him to see that living out is almost always a superior way to go (especially if he's "quite old" and no longer under family scrutiny), and see if he'd be interested in working on a path out.

Lex
 
You will have to face the consequences if word gets out and you were the only one he told. As you relayed the story he told you not to tell anyone. Did you promise you wouldn't?

I think the next step is to talk to him and tell him how sad you were after thinking about his closeted life. Ask him why he isn't out to your mutual circle of friends. Tell him that if it's ok for you it will also be ok for him.
 
I want to know what 'quite old' is.
 
This poor guy. He confides in you because he thought you were trustworthy and he considered you a friend. Then you go blabbing his secret like a giddy high school girl in study hall. Funny how you are uncomfortable calling him a friend and instead say he is just "in the same group of friends."
 
Yeah, you broke this guy's trust and then you felt better about yourself?

That's really not being any kind of friend.

How old are you?
 
I'm 21. I think he's a year or two older than me.

In the few days before he told me, his friend from home came out the closet to him, he found out I was gay, and also he kissed some girl at a club and everyone was like 'what the hell? he kissed a girl??'

So I think all of that combined sort of made him start thinking about himself and stuff.

I actually didn't plan to tell, but people kept asking why I was not coming out as often and being so quiet, and I said it was because I had a secret (big mistake, yes.. especially around a pair of girls). And I just ended up blabbing.

I'm feeling so guilty now. I've only known him about a month but he seems really nice and I dunno what to do now.

On the other hand, we will both be going back to our own countries in june, so I don;t think it will have any long term consequences for him? I hope not anyway.
 
>>>I'm 21. I think he's a year or two older than me.

So he's 22, or maybe 23. Wow, that IS quite old. :) And I thought I was kidding about 27.

It's up to you what to do next. I think you owe it to him to at least help him along in his journey, provided that he's interested in doing so.

Lex
 
I thought "quite old" is over 40.

So over 40 is grandpa now ...:?
 
Haha no I meant quite old to come out of closet.
 
Anyway thanks for all your responses. I'll take all your advice

Could a mod please delete the thread? Incase he sees. It wont let me edit my posts.
 
priests doesn't come out until they are in their graves like the pope ... :)
 
JoeyLj said:
Anyway thanks for all your responses. I'll take all your advice

Could a mod please delete the thread? Incase he sees. It wont let me edit my posts.
Click to expand...

Sorry mate, no.

And to explain why, its simply that people have invested in your thread. They've put time in, thought in and offered up advice... so a general rule we dont delete threads that have "taken on a life of thier own" so to speak.

Hopefully though Joey the chances of him seeing this, and then putting all the peices together are pretty slim.

Good luck with talking with him and explaining whats happened! Being honest is the best way to keep this guy as freind... and the best way to keep his trust in you.
 
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