Closet Heterosexual... and sometimes I'm a bit nervous

[yourson]

That's a David Bowie quote. Sometimes I think that's me. I like to consider myself a closeted bi. I haven't done ANYTHING with a guy or girl. And I do fantacize a lot about guys and jack off to gay porn.

Anyways, the reason I posted in this section:

I've never been on a date. I just started college and decided to join a dating site, so far I only joined a site for college students. I put my preference as women on there cuz that's who I'm primarily attracted to. Yesterday I switched looking for to both genders. Looking through the profiles I saw the profile of a guy in 2 of my classes. I've never spoken to him. As far as I know, he's in the closet, as am I.

Today after class I messaged him on here saying hello. He responded nice to meet you. Since I didn't know what to write, I asked how he was doing. Thing is that whenever I talk to girls on there, we just chat about nothing. What should I say/write to actually get a date or something (I'm pretty shy lol)?

Also, whenever it seems these fantasies of dating a guy may actually come true I get super super nervous and sometimes my hands shake uncontrollably when I'm that nervous. Any help?

Any help or tips on this or ANYTHING related is appreciated!


Ps, I think its funny, he just founded the college socialists and I'm a strong member of the college libertarians.

 

[rareboy]

Well the two of you should have lots to talk about.

Ask him to grab a coffee or a beer sometime sooner rather than later.

Get on with it.

Who knows?

At the very least you might both make a good friend.

 

[yourson]

Ask him to grab a coffee or a beer sometime sooner rather than later.

Get on with it.

So just be like "wanna go get coffee or something" right away without messaging on the site?

 

[Rolyo85]

No one here will be able to tell you what to say to him. Find random topics. On sites like that it's usually like that:

You: Hi
Him: Hi
You: How's it going?

after which one of two things happens:

Him 1): Not much. You?
You 1): I'm doing this or that (find something to say about your day, that would provoke him to comment)

or...

Him 2): I'm doing this or that (provoking YOU to comment)
You 2): comment


A conversation either occurs at this point, or it doesn't, and unless both of you are looking for a hook up, you can't do much unless he is responsive. Remember - you have no reason to be awkward, especially online, or shy. You are already on the site, which creates certain expectations.


Also, what are your reasons to be in the closet? And why do you describe yourself as "bi"?

The uncontrollable shaking is a result of you being afraid that somebody will find out you like guys. It will not stop until you stop caring, I'm afraid.

 

[MoltenRock III]

So just be like "wanna go get coffee or something" right away without messaging on the site?

Yes, absolutely! Why fuck around with some online nonsense when you know who he is, what he looks like, in 2 of your classes, and you find him hot? Life doesn't happen on the Internet. It happens in real, 3D life. Go for it!

 

[maxpowr9]

Yes, absolutely! Why fuck around with some online nonsense when you know who he is, what he looks like, in 2 of your classes, and you find him hot? Life doesn't happen on the Internet. It happens in real, 3D life. Go for it!

So 3D televisions don't exist? Sorry, this is supposed to be serious.

Reckon being "closeted" is always a tough scenario when it comes to dating and hooking up. It takes balls to ask someone out for coffee or w/e. Hell if he's in your classes, have lunch with him on campus.

 

[Seventh Ghost]

Also, whenever it seems these fantasies of dating a guy may actually come true I get super super nervous and sometimes my hands shake uncontrollably when I'm that nervous. Any help?

I also share this problem. The thought of being certain other guys have aroused me but i don't think i could bring myself to actually go through with it.

 

[rareboy]

So just be like "wanna go get coffee or something" right away without messaging on the site?

The problem with 90% of all on-line courting is that it ends up in disappointment or paralysis. And most of them time, anxiety about an actual face to face meeting.

I look at it as either a medieval construct where chaste courtiers make literary googly eyes at the object of their desire and never act on it....or more commonly, as some kind of bizarre negotiation.



This distanced contact between humans has got to stop.

Learn about one another by talking to one another. Instead of 'lol'ing, why not actually laugh together?

Even sitting across the table from a friend is an intimacy that we all need more of, instead of less of in our lives.

Maybe you'll end up sweaty and naked back at the dorm. Maybe you'll realize that you have a bond more like brothers than lovers. Maybe you'll just end up being casual acquaintances.

But get out there and be Something!!!

 

[Cutttt]

I think if you're a level headed person, online sites are a great way of meeting people. You just have to use commonsense and gut feelings. That's how I met my partner + we've been together for 2 years and are madly in love!
Go the net!

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Yourson,

I also tend to give you an advise which is identical to the advise given by Molten Rock III and Rareboy. So meet guys in public.

'Dating' is just a word, and you seem to have alot of shared interests with this guy. Likely, you will also meet him at political gatherings, or so, or get involved in political debates / discussions during classes, or outside classes.

Drinking coffee with a guy can be considered as 'dating', but can also be considered as 'schoolmates who drink coffee together'. It is up to you.

In regard to find out something more about his orientation (and what he thinks about you), I would like to give you the following advise.

Tell this to him at a moment when he and you are 'away from other people' (so can be during drinking coffee, or having a stoll during lunch), and when you are quite sure he is 'relaxed'. Just ask him something like 'I am member of XXX (name of the dating site), and I suddenly srcumbled on your profile.' And just tell him that you are 'very new into this kind of things'. So be open to him, and, very likely, he will also be open to you.

Best wishes, and feel free to ask for more advise.

I've never been on a date. I just started college and decided to join a dating site, so far I only joined a site for college students. I put my preference as women on there cuz that's who I'm primarily attracted to. Yesterday I switched looking for to both genders. Looking through the profiles I saw the profile of a guy in 2 of my classes. I've never spoken to him. As far as I know, he's in the closet, as am I.

Today after class I messaged him on here saying hello. He responded nice to meet you. Since I didn't know what to write, I asked how he was doing. Thing is that whenever I talk to girls on there, we just chat about nothing. What should I say/write to actually get a date or something (I'm pretty shy lol)?

Ps, I think its funny, he just founded the college socialists and I'm a strong member of the college libertarians.

 

[Kyanimal]

The problem with 90% of all on-line courting is that it ends up in disappointment or paralysis. And most of them time, anxiety about an actual face to face meeting.

I look at it as either a medieval construct where chaste courtiers make literary googly eyes at the object of their desire and never act on it....or more commonly, as some kind of bizarre negotiation.



This distanced contact between humans has got to stop.

Learn about one another by talking to one another. Instead of 'lol'ing, why not actually laugh together?

Even sitting across the table from a friend is an intimacy that we all need more of, instead of less of in our lives.

Maybe you'll end up sweaty and naked back at the dorm. Maybe you'll realize that you have a bond more like brothers than lovers. Maybe you'll just end up being casual acquaintances.

But get out there and be Something!!!

THIS! What rareboy said! Read it over, and over, again!

LIFE is too short to waste your time with worry and self-doubt! What are you actually afraid of? What kind of "harm" do you think will come to you? Do you think that "others" attitudes/opinions mean more than Yours? Why are you giving "them" the right to be "more" than YOU? "They" have nothing more going for "them" than YOU do!

OWN Yourself! Follow YOUR Heart! Granted, the first few steps might be the hardest/most intimidating. But, after that, YOU will realize that YOU have as much "Power" as anyone else on this planet!

Go forth and LIVE, and Learn in the process! NO ONE matters "more" than You do!

And, of course ... and this is Very Important! ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[KaraBulut]

Casual chat with guys is not much different than casual chat with girls. Dating guys is not much different than dating girls.

Something for you to think about...

For some reason, when the subject is sports or learning to dance or learning playing an instrument, no one thinks it strange to say, "practice, practice, practice".

Yet when we talk about meeting people, making small talk or sex, everyone seems to think it's just supposed to happen naturally.

It doesn't.

If you want meeting people to get easier and you want to be able to make conversation, then get out there and meet people- in person. It's practice. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

And no, texting, sexting, chat, email, etc is not the same as meeting people and talking to each other face-to-face.