Closet stress affectming my studies

[SAdude]

Hey guys

Well my situation is similar to this one http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6067374&posted=1#post6067374

I can literally cry at home about all this pain I have, and Id love to see a counciller or psychologist, but Im still financially dependent on my family so I cant without them knowing (which would defeat the point)

Anyone have any advice for me?

 

[TX-Beau]

Yes, give us more context, so far all you've said was that you can't get help. That doesn't really tell us anything.

 

[SAdude]

Yes, give us more context, so far all you've said was that you can't get help. That doesn't really tell us anything.

Sorry bout that

Ok Im 22 and live at home with my parents and 1 brother (other brother and sister have moved out already) that I dont get along with. I know my dad would wanna pray the 'gayness' out of me if I came out, he always thinks he is right on everything, and Ive heard my mom say that she would never be able to accept it if she had a gay child

Anything else you guys need?

 

[Seasoned]

Parents say lots of stuff. I'm not saying I know your parents better than you, but you know from this site how many have been surprised by their parents reaction. At the very least see someone at your student health center.

Are you saying your parents would know because of co-pays? Your privacy rights are protected unless you are a threat to yourself or someone else.

Do you have a decent relationship with any of your siblings? If so, start there.

I'm concerned about your mental health. It's your responsibility to do something about it. I'm so glad you announced it here. There is a way through this, but I think you need face to face help and that's why I'm suggesting the student health center at your school. Also look for gay hotlines.

You need to know that people you don't even know care about what happens to you. Please talk to someone soon. Good luck.

 

[orem244]

Tell your parents you are depressed and want to see someone, but don't mention that it's because you're gay. Your therapist is required to keep anything you talk about confidential, so you won't have to worry about them figuring out the real reason.

Hopefully, once you're in a better place psychologically, you'll also be able to take the steps necessary to put yourself in a more healthy living situation.

 

[rareboy]

There is a way through this, but I think you need face to face help and that's why I'm suggesting the student health center at your school. Also look for gay hotlines.

Yup. Start here.

And on a tougher note... eventually you're going to have to start being your own man and not a man-child.

It is understandable that so many young guys that never have had to stand on their own two feet live in financial fear of telling their parents they are gay. I get that, although I was financially independent of my parents from the age of 18. I got through school by working, loans and living like a poor student, not a pampered pet.

What would happen if you said to your parents that you have been struggling with depression because you are afraid that they will kick you out of the house if you tell them you are a homo. Oh. And that there's no need to try to pray the gay out because it is how you are made.

And that being gay isn't a sin, or mental disease. So don't even try that shit on you.

And that being gay doesn't mean you can't be a loving child and that they can't be proud of you and what you plan on accomplishing with your life.

See how that goes.

 

[SAdude]

Are you saying your parents would know because of co-pays? Your privacy rights are protected unless you are a threat to yourself or someone else.

Do you have a decent relationship with any of your siblings? If so, start there.

I'm concerned about your mental health. It's your responsibility to do something about it. I'm so glad you announced it here. There is a way through this, but I think you need face to face help and that's why I'm suggesting the student health center at your school. Also look for gay hotlines.

You need to know that people you don't even know care about what happens to you. Please talk to someone soon. Good luck.

I know of the privacy rights, but my parents would tell me to rather tell them why I am depressed.

I live in South Africa and dont know of any student health care centres here

Tell your parents you are depressed and want to see someone, but don't mention that it's because you're gay. Your therapist is required to keep anything you talk about confidential, so you won't have to worry about them figuring out the real reason.
.

My parents see therapy as something for weak people, and would try to convince me to rather talk to them about it

Yup. Start here.

And on a tougher note... eventually you're going to have to start being your own man and not a man-child.

It is understandable that so many young guys that never have had to stand on their own two feet live in financial fear of telling their parents they are gay. I get that, although I was financially independent of my parents from the age of 18. I got through school by working, loans and living like a poor student, not a pampered pet.

What would happen if you said to your parents that you have been struggling with depression because you are afraid that they will kick you out of the house if you tell them you are a homo. Oh. And that there's no need to try to pray the gay out because it is how you are made.

And that being gay isn't a sin, or mental disease. So don't even try that shit on you.

And that being gay doesn't mean you can't be a loving child and that they can't be proud of you and what you plan on accomplishing with your life.

See how that goes.

I dont know what country you live in, but I live in a 3rd world country where you can barely survive on minimum wage, nevermind still study.

Im not so much afraid that theyll kick me out, just know that Im not psychologically strong enough to take their rejection, I can already not get along with my brother, he kinda bullies me as it is, can you imagine if he also knew I was gay?

 

[goodbyemountainman]

SAdude, I share your feeling. You are in the worse position than I am right now. At least I am far away from home, and even I still depend on my family, they still don't have that much of control over me. The problem is I'm going to be back to my country soon, and I'm really scared about that too. Part of me don't want to go, but I miss them very much, and living in US all by myself has been a hell to my life.

All I can think for you is that you have got to find the way to be on your own. If you are under 18, then you have to wait. But once you got a job or so, try to move out as soon as possible. It doesn't mean you immediately looking for love or someone to move it, just make yourself financially independent, because someday they will know that it's them who need your love, and they have no reason to tell you what to do. I know I'm in no position to give such advice, because I haven't been able to achieve that. But at least that's what keep me alive. That day will come, but you have to try your best.

 

[rareboy]

Im not so much afraid that theyll kick me out, just know that Im not psychologically strong enough to take their rejection, I can already not get along with my brother, he kinda bullies me as it is, can you imagine if he also knew I was gay?

No one is that weak.

So you're saying it is better to live your life with these people in fear than to have freedom. It doesn't sound like there is any emotional or psychological benefit to you as things stand....so why would you want more of this bullying, abusive relationship.

If you are in college, there has to be a student health centre or program of some sort. If not, there has to be a gay helpline out there somewhere in SA.

You can't spend a lifetime telling everyone that your life is shit but you won't put any effort into making it better. There is no one out here in cyberland that can do the heavy lifting for you.

Spend some time on-line searching for how you can get counselling through your school.

 

[orem244]

My parents see therapy as something for weak people, and would try to convince me to rather talk to them about it

Then you need to politely insist to them that you feel it necessary to talk to a professional. You don't have to give them a specific reason, just be firm and insist that you need to talk to a trained professional because your issues are extremely serious.

(This is, of course, if you can't find a way to do it through your school without your parents knowing. I would also be very surprised if such a program doesn't exist.)

And as a side note, just realize that it's completely possible to develop an outside support system without having to come out to your parents. You should focus on improving the aspects of your life that you do have control over (such as how you spend your time when you aren't at home), because your family clearly isn't able to offer you the support you need right now.

 

[TX-Beau]

You can't spend a lifetime telling everyone that your life is shit but you won't put any effort into making it better. There is no one out here in cyberland that can do the heavy lifting for you.

Yeah this is something I was also thinking. You listened to what people had to say, then you threw all kinds of obstacles in your own path as proof why none of that can be done. Do you actually know there is absolutely no help for you, or have you just not looked for it all that hard?

OK, if you aren't actually going to be proactive and try to help yourself, I don't know really what we can do for you.

If sympathy is all you want - well, I sympathize - I've been in the closet, afraid to tell my extremely conservative, religious Texan family - who are all armed, been in college dependent on their cash - been in a position where I had to decide to step out on my own. I know how you feel.

What are you going to do about it? That's really the question which will decide if you wallow or if you grow.

If you're wiling to put in the work to find it, there's always a way out.

 

[rareboy]

my extremely conservative, religious Texan family - who are all armed

Now that is a tough crowd.

 

[LatinCoffee]

Just give it time man! Don't go into stress mode because that won't solve anything. Continue your life (because religion will not cure you being gay)--trust me I know from my own personal experience with religion and having a religious ex-boyfriend that broke my heart but life goes on.

 

[Nomenclature]

OK, if you aren't actually going to be proactive and try to help yourself, I don't know really what we can do for you.

If sympathy is all you want - well, I sympathize [...]

What are you going to do about it?

You know, i've noticed that in this section, you're always insensitive to the people who're struggling with coming out. For talking to someone who lives in South Africa and is still very depressed and unable to come to terms with being gay, you're being just a tiny bit insensitive and rude, don't you think? I'm wondering why you're posting in threads like this if you lack the compassion necessary to talk to someone who's still depressed and closeted.


Maybe things were different for you, or it's been awhile and you've forgotten this, but a person needs a lot of support through something like this; They need to talk about it. He's reaching out to the gay community and wanting to see a therapist for human support, not to be talked down to and told to go do it on his own.


-----

To the OP: I'm glad you found this website, and are seeking people you can talk to about this who might be able to relate to you. I know you're not expecting an answer right now, but I see that you're trying to take an incredibly important step forward in your life. It's a very difficult, brave thing to do. . .regardless of how old you are, or where you come from.


Use this thread to vent for right now, and once you get all of this pent-up depression and angst out of your system - however long that takes - , you'll begin to slowly see what your options are and will be able to help yourself move to the next level in your life, We can't really offer much at all here, but just know that you have our support and thoughts.


- Nomenclature

 

[LatinCoffee]

NoMenClature...very well said and put!!! You rock!

 

[TX-Beau]

You know, i've noticed that in this section, you're always insensitive to the people who're struggling with coming out. For talking to someone who lives in South Africa and is still very depressed and unable to come to terms with being gay, you're being just a tiny bit insensitive and rude, don't you think? I'm wondering why you're posting in threads like this if you lack the compassion necessary to talk to someone who's still depressed and closeted.


Maybe things were different for you, or it's been awhile and you've forgotten this, but a person needs a lot of support through something like this; They need to talk about it. He's reaching out to the gay community and wanting to see a therapist for human support, not to be talked down to and told to go do it on his own.

No I don't agree. If I didn't believe in what I was saying I wouldn't be saying it. It's all very well to cry with someone, but that doesn't help either formulate a strategy for actually helping themselves or give them a realistic assessment of their situation.

If someone asks for advice, which is what the OP is doing, then I'm going to advise. I DO know what it's like I have been there.

And it remains true that if you look hard enough you will find a solution to your problem - whether you're in South Africa or here.

So which is more helpful, telling the OP that he's right, his situation is hopeless, and isn't it sad, or try to motivate him to actually do something.

All of that talk down to people thing is in your head, probably because you don't like what I'm saying, but it's still in your head, and I don't care about what's in your head, I'm not talking to you. I wouldn't be here if all I wanted to do was dump on someone - I'd be over in hot topics.

 

[SAdude]

If someone asks for advice, which is what the OP is doing, then I'm going to advise. I DO know what it's like I have been there.

I looked at your posts in this thread and found no advice, all you said was do something but you never said what to do

And what I was hoping to get from this was maybe someone telling me how to think of things in a different way to how I am now so that I can cope better

 

[rareboy]

^ you've been given advice and suggestions what to do.

You seem to be resistant to anything that involves any real effort on your part.

I'm with TX-Beau. It is all well and good for everyone to offer platitudes and sympathy, but at a certain point every gay guy has to look inside himself and decide how much effort they're going to put into the situation.

So. Ask your family to speak to a therapist about your depression and anxiety. If they say no, let's go from there. Because until you actually take some action, there is no reaction.

And you can't say that you haven't been given advice and don't post a whole list of reasons why you can't take action.

Just do it.