Closeted and happy ???

[jjc_7]

I suppose it really varies from person to person about whether they can be happy in the closet. For me? It was a living hell, I would never wish to be back in the closet and in that situation again.

I'm not sure I can offer many opinions, but I will give it a go anyways. To me, it sounds like you've settled. You're okay with your situation, but if you sit down and analyze it, are you really happy? Perhaps that's a question you should ask yourself. That is something that I thought about before coming out. And I didn't have to think about it all that much. I wasn't able to be myself around my friends, I would have go to along with my friends if they ever said "man, she's hot eh?" And how was I ever supposed to meet anyone being in the closet? And even if I did meet someone, I would have to hide everything from friends. That was never a life I wanted to live. So I chose not to settle...I demanded more, and I'm a happier person for it.

You say you are scared to come out of the closet. I think everyone was scared when they were first coming out, you expect the worst, you expect people to disown you, ridicule you, the whole lot. Truth be told, for a lot of people, the reaction is so much less than we ever expected. That being said, some people might have the above reactions, but when you think about it, are those the type of people you want to be friends with? Ones that wouldn't accept you for simply being yourself?

I think we're all afraid of change, but ya know, change can be a wonderful thing. I changed the way I live my life, but my life is so much better that it ever was before. Where in New Zealand are you living? I thought it is a fairly liberal society, but maybe I'm being naïve...I would have thought that some of the larger cities such as Auckland or Wellington would be accepting. Perhaps some of the change you might look at is moving to a larger city, where you won't feel like you're the only gay in the village. Trust me, if greater Auckland has a population of around a million people, you're not the only gay guy there. Join a gay sports club (using Soilwork's advice here) or any other gay club, meet people, become more comfortable being out. I'd be willing to bet money that you'll be happier than you've ever been...coming out is like peeling off the shield that you've been wearing your whole life, and it's the most liberating experience. If you thought you are happy now, imagine the smile on your face when you don't have this 'dirty little secret' boiling inside of you.

I have no idea if this was at all helpful, but hey, I gave it a try. Best of luck!

 

[Boogerqueesha]

Talking with all the wisdom of a 19 year old here-

My opinion? Now that you yourself know that you are gay, coming out is a necessary action, a part of reconciling yourself with the life that you lead. I don't know how happy someone can be when they are too ashamed to reveal who they truly are.

I'm just a headstrong teenager, though. You've probably lived long enough to know what happiness truly is, in all of it's relativity.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi justaguy, I know what you mean.

Yes, I think it's very possible to be happy and be in the closet. I was for years and years, in fact. And, I know countless other men who are as well.

I, too, had the same fears and feelings as you about coming out. In fact, I purposely delayed doing so until some things changed in my life that made it easier to do.

As it turned out, most of my fears were inventions in my own mind and none of them materialized (such as, people would think less of me; people would avoid me or disown me; people would think I was some kind of freak). None of that happened, and maybe I was just lucky in that regard, because I know that's not the case with everyone.

Anyway, after coming out, it opened a new world of happiness that I'd not known before. Looking back, I wasn't as happy as I thought I was in the closet--although I definitely wasn't "unhappy" either. I really didn't know "happiness" until I was honest, free from all the hiding baggage, and allowed myself to fall in love with someone I was meant to love.

Don't get me wrong, sex was good in the closet. I made a sport of covering my tracks and trying lots of new things with lots of new people. But, in the end, it was empty. I needed more, eventually. I needed a relationship--someone who knew my name and cared about what kind of day I had. Only when I allowed myself to obtain that, did I really find "happiness."

Good luck to you. Each person approaches these things differently. This is just what happened to me. Like I said, I know a dozen guys, or so, who will go to their graves in the closet, and they are genuinely happy in every sense of the word. I hope that you find your own version of happiness and remain so.

 

[RicanDAB]

Justaguy,

I think it IS possible to be in the closet and happy, but is it possible to be in the closet and totally happy? This answer for me is a resounding NO.

Once I came out, I discovered a different level of happiness. I was able to be honest with certain people about who I am and I was able to share with them my happiness of being in a relationship. These people were actually happy to know that I was happily dating and not working all the time as I used to always lead them to believe ("I'm too busy to date [women]").

I have yet to encounter anyone who has been negative about who I am, but I am emotionally ready to distance myself from these people because I don't need that in my life. I believe my true friends will become known through this coming out process, and so far I have confirmed about 4 of them in my life by coming out.

YES, your life changes - but in my view, it changes for the better and it changes in ways previously unimaginable ... good luck my friend!

 

[Riverrick]

The closeness of your family may work in your favor. You are important to them and a part of their daily life I would presume. So, yes, there will be some adjusting to do. But they will do it because you are a spoke in the wheel of their lives. And as time goes on, your gayness will become less and less important and you will return to just being....you.

So, don't move away or anything rash like that. Stay and take your turn in the spotlight for being the person stirring things up for a while. It actually kind of feels good to do that. Good Luck!

 

[Smitho]

Hi,

I would just repeat basically what has already been said, yes you can be happy in the closet and I was not unhappy in the closet, but coming out the closet opened up a whole new happiness to me, in terms of the honesty that I could have in relationships (I am talking about friends and family here), and the refreshing feeling of people actually knowing this about me, was a very liberating feeling, I did not have to worry any more about outing myself, and actually being gay became in a way a lesser part of me, as I was not worrying about it 24 hours a day, (not sure if that makes sence?)

You are the center of attention when you come out but it quickly blows over, and some people take it well and others badly, some expected and some unexpected in each group, also once you come out, there is very little to gossip about as when people ask you, as the news speads, just say yes, and once people understand you have not chnaged, and there is nothing to hide, then the gosip quickly moves on.

Having said that coming out is hard to do, and a risk you have to come out of your comfort zone and like cleaning behind the fridge there is a hundred reasons not to do it, but at some point you have to take the plunge, and do it. And I for one am very pleased that I did and it opened up a whole new world to me, and I hope for your sake you do the same.

Good luck.

 

[G-Lexington]

Honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with being comfortable where you are right now. You're gay, but you're not in a relationship, and don't appear to be actively searching for one. That's cool. And you certainly haven't ruled out coming out in the future. I didn't come out to my parents right away, and for much the same reasons - I was living in the middle of nowhere (a very CONSERVATIVE nowhere!), and was working 24/7 anyway - being "gay" was more theoretical at that point, anyway. But once I moved back to the city, and started looking for a boyfriend, I told them. You seem to be keeping your options open, and that's probably the right decision.

I would point out something about this:

I know for sure that my family wouldn't disown me. But I am uncertain about how they would handle me turning up with a male partner to a family gathering, for example.

The tough thing here is doing it in the abstract. You're trying to picture introducing some hypothetical person to your family, or bringing him to a family event. I also had trouble picturing introducing a hypoethetical boyfriend to my family...but once I HAD a boyfriend, it was a lot easier. It's a lot easier to accept something as reality than as an abstraction. And my parents immediately got along with my boyfriend. Because, as my mother said, "your boyfriend shares something with us - he loves you." Amazing how much easier that makes things.

Lex

 

[moonrabbit]

I wouldn't exactly say I'm happy, but I am content with things at the moment. And after some drama back in 7th grade, it'll be a while before I come out completely.

 

[jockboy01]

Looking back, I wasn't as happy as I thought I was in the closet--although I definitely wasn't "unhappy" either.

I think that sums it up well for me.

You can ask many on this board about how I was fine with being in the closet (haha, right soilwork?). And I was. Like averageguy said, I while in the closet, I thought I was happy. And I wasn't unhappy for sure. But the main problem was that I wasn't being myself and wasn't open with the people I cared about. And that ultimately became a HUGE problem for me. It took a little bit of time, but once I was comfortable with me, coming out to others wasn't as difficult. I knew who I was and I wasn't ashamed of that anymore. If somebody had a problem with it, it didn't matter anymore.

That said, I'm not totally out yet. My family doesn't know and my old friends don't know (except a few). But both of those lives are more behind me. And when I go home, I remember what it was like to be in the closet and can't fathom how I did it for so long.

Everybody has to do it in their own time and their own way. And how far out you are, is also an individual choice. I don't shout it from the rooftops by any means. And I've had some gay guys have to ask me if I was gay but whatever, this is me... and there is far more to me than being gay.

I'd say you can't be all alone in the closet and be happy forever. It may not be all that you are, but being gay is a part of who you are. And I think when we hide who we are from those we care about, there is a stress there that makes life more difficult than it has to be.

 

[Blueyes]

I am still in the closet and very happy! However, I would be immensely happier were I out of the closet I suppose. I guess what keeps me going is that I know that I will be coming out soon so I try not to let it worry me much.

 

[Lestat62]

Hi justaguy. I'm right there with you. I'm in my early 40's and still not out. I hate using that term just like I hate "closeted". What I'm getting at is that if you're happy living the way you are now, then that's great. No one should be telling you to tell others that you're gay. It's no one's business. Is it really necessary to have to profess your sexuality to the world just to feel accepted? I don't think so. My advice is... do what you want, what makes you happy, what makes you feel comfortable. That's all that counts.

Joe.

 

[trawler69]

I go along with jockboy. Coming out is not an all or nothing thing. I came out to friends who I could rely on a positive or neutral reaction from. Those who would give a negative one would not be true friends anyway. Great thing is once you come out you wonder what all the drama in your head was about and you can stop pretending to be straight and behave as yourself.

Personally I haven't told my family, much as I love them they are far distant and not part of my life. Should I ever find a physical partner I would be proud to introduce him and out myself to them. I'm sure they already know so it would be no great shock. My mother would disapprove but then she always has about everything.

I've got a similar feeling to what it would be like sitting at the top of a bridge psyching yourself up for a bungy jump. You know ... do I jump or not ? Perhaps I need someone to count down ! 10 ..... 9 ..... 8 etc.

I have actually done a countdown for a mate who was coming out via IM and he did it and the reaction was great and his relief even greater.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Mate,

Closeted and happy? Sure. Out and happy. Sure. Does it matter? Right now...only to you.

The very first thing that you need to do...is find out what you need to do to make you happy. Not any one or every one else.

After 40 years its time for you...its time to silence the voice, stop the questioning and the endless chatter that goes on in your head. Mate...its time for you to take stock. Stand still. Appreciate yourself and who you are...who you have always been.

Get to know yourself. More to the point get to love yourself. Know that you are still you...only better than before. Know that you have a new sense of honesty and of truth. Know that your values, your morals, your integrity still make you who you are...only now you can be proud of the fact that you are treating yourself right for the first time too.

Fear is probably the most motivating emotion we have. Being scared forces us to make decisions...to make choices. Your fear is natural and normal. Dont underestimate your strength and your conviction... you've already taken the biggest step...admitting it to yourself.

And its ok to not fully understand how you feel or what you want. A lifetime of trying to be someone else...of not listening to yourself...of ignoring your own needs takes some undoing. Be patient mate, take the time to explore and search your thoughts and feelings. For the first time your dreams and fantasies are within your reach, your happiness and the companionship that you talk about are now possibilities not impossibilities.

But until you give yourself the chance to grow, to open yourself up to who you are and what the world holds for you...dont rush into coming out. You have to understand yourself, how somethings will have changed but the important things wont have, so you can help those you love and who love you understand as well.

Ultimately for you to be all you can be, to be truly happy and open, to let the real you shine you'll have to share this secret with those around you. The feelings of liberation acceptance and freedom make that process worthwhile.

But for now, until you love, accept and believe in yourself...until you see the same loving compassionate caring guy that your loved ones see...wait.

Get to know just how important you ...the real you...is. Thats where real happiness lies.

 

[nihilis]

Justaguy,
Your post really struck me. Particularly this:

I know why I'm in the closet. It's because I'm scared of stepping out. I'm basically a whimp. I'm worried about the reaction of people I care about and whether it will change their opinions of me, being the conservative people they are. I'm scared of the gossip, living in a small town. I'm worried about changing relationships with family and friends. And when it comes down to it, I think I am scared of the change.

I just turned 30, I'm still at home while I'm in grad school and no one knows I'm gay (at least to my knowledge), I'm obese, and I've never even kissed anyone (male or female) let alone had a relationship of any sorts in my life. Happy is pretty far from the word I'd use to describe myself, in the situation I'm in. I don't have the luxury of even exploring my sexuality due to my living situation, and I doubt anyone would even want to give me a second look due to my health situation, though I'm busting my ass to work on that. It's going to have to come out eventually, you know this as I know this. It doesn't make it any easier to do though, and I don't know about you, but it's horribly frustrating being in this "in between" situation.

Given the fact that you're an independent adult with loving people around you who's finally comfortable with your sexuality and able to explore it, I'd try taking the next step and maybe start dating first. I'd imagine if you found someone you love very much, you'd want to share them with the people you love, and things would sort of come out on their own. Plus, you'd have someone there who's got your back if things get crazy. Ultimately, it's your decision. I'm nowhere near where you are, so my advice may be off. One thing I can say, though, is that I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[trawler69]

Thanks Trawler.
So how did that work ? Did you post one number a day .... or when you thought he was ready for another number ?

How it worked was I wrote a "coming out text" for him that could only get a positive reaction. He typed it to his mate, who was online then he couldn't hit the enter key so I gave him a very rapid countdown from 10, as in as fast as I could type, followed by NOW and he did it and hasn't looked back. It did take a lot of hours of messages to get to that point.

All the best with your decision whatever it may be

 

[nihilis]

I'm sorry to hear that you are not as happy as you would like to be.

Thanks. I'm not trying to whine, I'm just stating my situation. I'd be a liar if I said I was thrilled with my situation, and I know full well most of it was self created.

Do you think it would be possible for you to leave home and go flatting or something ? Or are there financial considerations ?

It's all financial. I'm getting a graduate degree right now, and took a big pay cut to go back to school. As a result, my parents, God bless them, have let me stay until I'm done with my degree.

Do you have help for your weight problem, or are you working on that yourself, alone ? I would imagine it would be easier losing weight in a group situation ??

I'm alone, though others around me are trying to get healthier as well. I tried the group thing, and found that since it was personal problems that got me into it, I need to do it myself. I'm moving along quite well, though it's never as fast as I'd like. The harder part is reconciling the psychological with the physical. I know I could probably find someone to love even at this weight, but I don't have the security to back that idea up yet. It's a self-worth issue more than anything.

Anyway, I hope you do manage to lose weight because I have seen that when overweight people do manage to, they have had such an improvement in their whole lives, especially to self-esteem.

Thanks dude, I'm trying. The day I realized I didn't want to die by 27 was when I started to move forward in getting healthy. It just adds more stress to an already stressful existence though, but I'm working on things. That's why I say take advantage of your situation while you can. It's never too late to seize control of things and make the changes necessary to make you happier. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. Good luck.

 

[jockboy01]

I know I'm not being totally myself, and who I was born to be

Just because you're not out doesn't mean you're not being you. Just want to make that clear. Some will disagree but I think it is perfectly possible to be closeted and still be you. Being out didn't change who I am... well, not in any way more than allowing me to be more comfortable and confident (and like I needed any more of that).

if I was to come out, it would be to family first, then maybe a few friends.

haha, well, I know some people who've done it that way... equally successfully. Generally people do it my way but there's no right way to do it... whatever works best for your situation.

I enjoy following here... even if it does seem infrequent.