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Closeted=NO HOPE for relationship?

S

Shyboyjoy

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So I just found out this site several days ago and it seems like a nice community where I feel like I can talk.

I'm a 22 yr guy who has never had sex or a boyfriend. For some reasons I cannot come out yet. However, I really, really want to date and have a boyfriend. I tried dating apps or even craiglist but didn't work out. Part of the reason being I'm a really discreet guy about personal information since there are all kinds of people out there.

Anyway, I really want to change, including becoming more outdoor and outgoing. I even thought of gaining weight because I know guys like nice body. I really could use some tips and advice. I'm tired of wasting my youth..... I deserve love!:luv2:
 
Love like respect is earned and not given. Most "out" gay men have little interest in dealing with closeted men outside of sex. It goes back to the adage: "you can't love anyone else until you love yourself." Being closeted is not being honest with yourself or others.
 
maxpowr9 said:
Love like respect is earned and not given. Most "out" gay men have little interest in dealing with closeted men outside of sex. It goes back to the adage: "you can't love anyone else until you love yourself." Being closeted is not being honest with yourself or others.
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Yeah I hear that kinda of statement a lot. But I really do doubt that closeted=not loving/accepting yourself. There are so many other factors and gay people should know better than anyone else. Not trying to debate or something, but I just feel like it starts from encouraging people to come out, which is a good thing, to the point we start to judge people who don't.
 
yea go to gym and make some nice muscles and give it to me ... :)
 
Alright, no more hook up for you.
Don't even know what country you are in LOL

- - - Updated - - -

Alright, no more hook up for you.
Don't even know what country you are in LOL
 
maxpowr9 said:
Love like respect is earned and not given. Most "out" gay men have little interest in dealing with closeted men outside of sex. It goes back to the adage: "you can't love anyone else until you love yourself." Being closeted is not being honest with yourself or others.
Click to expand...

I agree with this.

I'm not saying that you don't love yourself, as you said there might be multiple reasons why you can't come out right now. But what I'm saying is, any gay guy who is out and secure of himself and his life will probably not want to go back to hiding and having to think twice about what they do or say in front of people just because their new date is not out. You might be able to find someone but keep this in mind, we all want a normal type of life, and hiding isn't a part of that.
 
innocentbychoice said:
I agree with this.

I'm not saying that you don't love yourself, as you said there might be multiple reasons why you can't come out right now. But what I'm saying is, any gay guy who is out and secure of himself and his life will probably not want to go back to hiding and having to think twice about what they do or say in front of people just because their new date is not out. You might be able to find someone but keep this in mind, we all want a normal type of life, and hiding isn't a part of that.
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That I can understand
 
hi Shyboyjoy,

Welcome to JUB and I am glad to read you enjoy yourself over here. So you told that you want to become "more outdoor and more outgoing". That's very good. I would not bother about gaining weight.

I do have the idea that staying closeted will become a burden as soon as you will get some gay friends, let alone a boyfriend or a close gay friend.

I mean, you will need to start some sort of life of 'hiding and lying' to keep pretending that you are still 'single and looking around for a nice girlfriend'. No way you can just mix your new gay friend / boy friend with your other friends / relatives. That's tough / impossible and also needs to llive a life with 'hiding and lying'.

You don't need to disclose your reason why you want to stay in the closet, but please be aware that it will be very tough to get a real good relationship with a boyfriend when you are in the closet. The same is the case when you will get some gay friends.

Feel free to react and/or to ask for more advice.

I would like to wish you all the best. Please continue with making friendships with people over here.
 
Some close friends do know that I am gay and I was away from home for college and had pretty much a lot freedom. Even so, I did not make a single gay friend, let alone a bf. But I did make friends in college tho. But I dont go to bars or drink. Too be honest, if I find a stable bf I would not mind acting like couple with him. I would not ask him to lie or introduce him as "my friend."

Although many friends of mine are curious about why i dont look for gf, they did not ask me if i am gay



Ganoderma said:
hi Shyboyjoy,

Welcome to JUB and I am glad to read you enjoy yourself over here. So you told that you want to become "more outdoor and more outgoing". That's very good. I would not bother about gaining weight.

I do have the idea that staying closeted will become a burden as soon as you will get some gay friends, let alone a boyfriend or a close gay friend.

I mean, you will need to start some sort of life of 'hiding and lying' to keep pretending that you are still 'single and looking around for a nice girlfriend'. No way you can just mix your new gay friend / boy friend with your other friends / relatives. That's tough / impossible and also needs to llive a life with 'hiding and lying'.

You don't need to disclose your reason why you want to stay in the closet, but please be aware that it will be very tough to get a real good relationship with a boyfriend when you are in the closet. The same is the case when you will get some gay friends.

Feel free to react and/or to ask for more advice.

I would like to wish you all the best. Please continue with making friendships with people over here.
Click to expand...
 
In addition, my question isnt really much how I should stay closeted/keep it a secret while dating a guy, but more about how i can better my chance of finding one. Unless you all think the first thing to do in order to find a bf is come out? Like putting a tag on myself as being "available?" Because like I just said, if I find someone and he doesnt want it to be a secret, I dont mind telling people he is my boyfriend.

Also, to Ganoderma, thank you very much for your post. The reason I wanna gain weight is I know people are attracted to appearance for most of the times, including me. I'm really skinny and I know there are guys that are into my body type. But according to my "experience," people who are into twinks aren't usually my type. lol.....
 
Shyboyjoy said:
Some close friends do know that I am gay and I was away from home for college and had pretty much a lot freedom. Even so, I did not make a single gay friend, let alone a bf. But I did make friends in college tho. But I dont go to bars or drink. Too be honest, if I find a stable bf I would not mind acting like couple with him. I would not ask him to lie or introduce him as "my friend."

Although many friends of mine are curious about why i dont look for gf, they did not ask me if i am gay
Click to expand...

I think it also depends on to what extent are you out. I am technically out, but I have 2 gay friends I met recently that know I am gay and my parents. That is it.

I say this to say you shouldn't be afraid to go to a gay bar and meet some friends who are gay and out, chances are if you are in a city, their paths wont cross with your other friends, and if they do you can let your new friends know your situation beforehand. Not being completely out shouldn't prevent you from going and experiencing gay life and meeting other gay men.

And to be honest, it has made me more comfortable with myself that I will be able to come out to my brothers and close friends soon. I just wish I hadn't waited so long to put myself out there, but time is still kind of on my side as I am only 25.

dating someone is a whole different issue, but you cannot attract people who you aren't meeting, so best to just introduce yourself to more gay people out there, but keep a level of discretion that you are comfortable with. Trust me you aren't the only guy that isnt completely out of the closet in a gay bar, and in general in my experience other gay guys tend to respect that because it is a different journey to self realization for everyone.
 
You can't really be in a happy relationship with someone who isn't true to themself.

Good luck finding a guy. (*8*)
 
checkinthingsout said:
I think it also depends on to what extent are you out. I am technically out, but I have 2 gay friends I met recently that know I am gay and my parents. That is it.

I say this to say you shouldn't be afraid to go to a gay bar and meet some friends who are gay and out, chances are if you are in a city, their paths wont cross with your other friends, and if they do you can let your new friends know your situation beforehand. Not being completely out shouldn't prevent you from going and experiencing gay life and meeting other gay men.

And to be honest, it has made me more comfortable with myself that I will be able to come out to my brothers and close friends soon. I just wish I hadn't waited so long to put myself out there, but time is still kind of on my side as I am only 25.

dating someone is a whole different issue, but you cannot attract people who you aren't meeting, so best to just introduce yourself to more gay people out there, but keep a level of discretion that you are comfortable with. Trust me you aren't the only guy that isnt completely out of the closet in a gay bar, and in general in my experience other gay guys tend to respect that because it is a different journey to self realization for everyone.
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Thank you so much! I got your point. But do you think people actually meet "the right one" in a bar? I was told most of them are there for hook ups and fun. Just like people don't really look for LTR on craiglist, instead they are there for hook ups. Not saying I dont like fun or judge people who do go to a gay bar. Plus, is there a difference between a bar and a pub or club? Sorry if I sound stupid
 
I agree with everyone basically who posted haha, it's just really unfair to put someone through that.

Gay bars usually (not always) there isn't a dance floor, club usually is more for drinking and dancing whereas a gay bar is more so chilling/talking/drinking hope that helps :)
 
We're moving more toward a western culture where the idea of "coming out" is probably going to be limited to teenagers and maybe a few people who come to the realization later in life.

For the rest of gay people, it will be just like it is for straight people- one day you just mention a "boyfriend" or bring a guy to a social event to introduce to friends and family.

Your straight friends don't have to announce that they're fucking someone of the opposite gender but they also don't have to lie about it, either. And that's a perfectly acceptable for gay people, too. The days of a defined "coming out" will eventually be a thing of the past.

The added bonus when you put an end to the pretending, the evasions, the changing of genders and all the stuff that comes with the closet, it does make it easier to meet guys, to date and to have a normal life... and to exhale.
 
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