Cloudship - Archived Blog Posts

[cloudship]

I am not 100% sure this is a good idea. By nature I am a very private and suspicious person. Typing my life out as a series of blurbs for the whole world to see is hardly something I would be likely to do. But here I am. I have been told that one of the better forms of therapy is to put down your feelings, and to share them. So, I am going to give it a shot. Perhaps I will write a lot, perhaps this will be the only post I make. We’ll see.

So who is Cloudship, any way? I come from Massachusetts, west of Boston. I live in the country, have worked in the city. I have lived my entire life within 3 square miles of the place I was born. The name Cloudship comes from a couple of things – I was at one time taking flight lessons. Plus, I have this strange fascination with clouds – those puffy towering cumulus, the blues and the whites and the pinks and the golds – they are delight to the eye.

I am middle aged – it bothers me to say that, but I guess I am now. Let’s say somewhere in the thirties. I am a huge geek, and I mean huge – I would definitely fall under the obese side of things. It does not mean I don’t leave the house or work or anything like that – I am just large. Right now my career is in computers – it’s not something I intentionally set out to do, I just fell into it. I do OK, although by now I hate computers and am falling way behind. That’s another one of my problems – my career.

I started out in video production, but hated it. I tried graphic design, but was too amateur and couldn’t find work. I eventually landed an IT support role, and have been doing that since. About two years ago I was laid off – I figured I would quickly find a new job. Well, I only landed a permanent job two and a half months ago. I now work for a state college. It has its ups and downs. Mostly downs, but it has them both.

I am going through some difficult issues right now. Financially, socially, mentally. I have a lot of stuff to work out. I am trying to keep a positive outlook, but sometimes it gets so hard. This blog is going to be my way of expressing my anger, my frustration, my dreams, and my joy. Whether it means anything to anyone else besides myself, I don’t care. Because this is my life.

 

[cloudship]

So my big secret (besides being gay, that is)? I am in the process of declaring bankruptcy. I live with my parents right now since I can’t afford to pay rent. My mother knows I am declaring, although she doesn’t like it. My father does not, but since we don’t even talk to one another, I guess that doesn’t matter. Oh, and as far as my being gay, well… one of my best friend kind of knows (well, we talked about it a couple of times), but we haven’t brought it up for a while. So it may have slipped his mind. The only other regular person right now who I am in contact with who knows is my boss. Well, my manager, I should say. Which is fine because she herself is a lesbian. My biggest problem is she is a little TOO out and proud of it. She doesn’t rub it in people’s faces, but she has this surprising rebellious streak that sometimes causes her to challenge peoples beliefs. It’s interesting.

As for the rest of my friends – those who knew I have lost contact with. It surprised me that it was never a negative thing about coming out, but instead…awkward. Somehow just the act of coming out changes the relationship. People try too hard not to offend, they sometimes try to take it to a deeper level than is comfortable – the “I feel so privileged that you told me” syndrome. In the end the relationship looses it’s fun and you go separate ways. So I eventually decided I simply wasn’t going to bring it up. In some ways I find that I have been more comfortable in those relationships – it’s no longer this awkward thing hanging out there. Sometimes to be yourself you have to learn how to ignore parts of yourself.

I have no social life. Some of that has to do with the fact that I have been so broke for a while that I have not been able to have one. I have occasionally gone out to eat, but when you have to be careful about how much gas you use and don’t go out because it’s not a necessity, well you tend to become a home body. On the whole, however, I have a problem relating to people. I don’t have much of a sense of humor. Well, I have one, but it is not very funny. I tend to be too deep in conversations, I can never seem to figure out how to make a conversation last more than ten minutes. I have no life, so I have nothing to talk about. What I am interested in never seems to be what others are interested in. I can’t stand sports, no interest in celebrities – heck I could barely NAME most of them. Politics I am too scared to bring up with people, and I don’t do a whole lot else that people can relate to. Ever try and hold a conversation about which airliner you like, or what house style you are into?

I want to meet people, but I don’t know where. I live too far from a sizeable city to have good groups. Where I live there are a few, but they are nothing I would be interested in. I did find one gay group in the area, but when I went by the people were so queeny and stereotypical that I had to leave. My work seems to offer no possibilities, either. Where do you meet normal everyday guys who just happen to be gay. Heck, where do you meet normal everyday guys who do something other than play and talk about sports and drink?

 

[cloudship]

So the other day I had to go to a wedding. It was my grandmother’s niece – you figure out what the relationship is. It’s a weird thing because my great aunt (my grandmother’s sister) is actually 3 months younger than my oldest aunt. But anyway, my Great Aunt was kind of turning this into a bit of a family reunion. My grandmother has a hard time getting around, and her brother and other sister live in PA. They made the trip up (not without some effort for them), and in reality it very well may be the last time they see each other. So I ended up bringing my grandmother to this wedding. They held it outside – it was so incredibly hot. My grandmother, to her credit, made it through the day. She doesn’t mind the heat anyways, but it’s hard for her to deal with all that commotion for so long. But I am really glad she got a chance to see them. In fact, I have only seen those two once before myself, and I met some relatives I had never met previously.

The weeding was held in Massachusetts, but the grooms family was all from the south, and the brides family was mostly from southern PA. I never heard so many southern accents. It was also a little awkward for me since the groom was in the marines. For some reason I feel uncomfortable around military functions, particularly the Marines. I know this is a bad way to look at it, but somehow I view them as the enemy.

Sitting there I couldn’t help but think how different my life was. I am never going to have a wedding like that – if I had a wedding to begin with I wouldn’t have enough people to invite. I don’t have the friends who party, I can’t picture myself or anyone else I know getting smashed (well, most of the people I know, smashed in a good way at least). I miss that camaraderie that many people have with their friends. I never went to parties – I never felt comfortable at them and I think that is why people never invited me. I never developed people skills.

Oh, and I also noticed that most of those kids were way, WAY too young to be handling swords. Isn’t there an age limit or something? God I feel old.

 

[cloudship]

So I was just reading that the house has voted to give Amtrak about a third of it's funding request. Specifically, they (Amtrak) are being told that it's primary responsibility is to continue to support the Northeast Corridor (obviously where the politicians come in to play) and are being told they cannot spend money on other routes. Notice they have not yet said which routes those were.

What I don't get is how people cannot be upset by this? They spend a fortune trying to keep airlines alive, they spend a fortune to build Texas a road as wide as Rhode Isalnd, and yet they intentionally want to destroy rail travel. There has to be some other deeper interest in getting rid of the trains, I mean they have gotten way, way too agressive about eliminating it. It's not a realistic threat to the airlines, some threat to cars and trucks but not much - what is it?

 

[cloudship]

I am getting nervous.

I called my lawyer today. I finalized everything with her - signed all teh papers, handed over the money, two weeks ago. Havn't heard a thing from her since. I called today, and she told me she was going to be filing the papers tomorrow afternoon, right before she leaves on vacation.

Somehow I am getting nervous that she is taking me for a ride. I hate this whole lawyer/bankruptcy thing. Is is so much a scam - a scam by the courts, scam by the lawyers, scam byt the government, scam by the credit card companies and debt consulting firms.

 

[cloudship]

Well, it's official now. My lawyer called me this evening and gave me my case number for my bankruptcy.

In some ways this makes me a little more at ease, since it is now legeal and I am protected. At teh same time, there is no backing out now, so I have to go forward with this. My big fear is that they are going to turn my chapter 7 into a chapter 13.

 

[cloudship]

One of my interests is public transit. This ranges from cars, to busses (well, a little) trains, metros, monorails, planes, boats, etc. Well, over the last couple of months several things have happened in the transit world. Unfortunately, much of it is not good news.

In the world front, Japan has launched yet another leap in high speed train technology, and now has a train estimated to regularly do 360 KM/H. What this means is that Japan is now light years ahead of the United States in Passenger Rail Technology, which we really don’t even have a presence in. Overshadowed by this, Japan has two other rather incredibly innovative transportation systems running. No, no in design, but actual working models. The Tobu Kyuryo line (also called the “linimo”) is a maglev rapid transit system. While the US is arguing over whether this is a technology that may be too far fetched to invest research in, Japan has already built a regular service rapid transit system using it. Also, at the Japan’s World Fair, they are providing transportation using driverless bus systems.

In the US, however, it is looking bleak for Seattle’s new monorail. It came in higher cost than they had expected, and there is a limit to the funding available. The state, city government, and US government have been aggressively attacking this system, because, like any other transit system, it is not American. This system is supposed to be funded entirely by the people of Seattle, who had voted on it and approved it. In Houston, too, the government has blocked funding for light rail service but is going to pay for busses.

Why this makes any difference to me is this: we are obliviously and recklessly throwing money to fund pet projects and pet corporations and ignoring innovation. We are now falling rapidly behind the rest of the world in technology. Rail leadership belongs to Asia. Heck, even South America is designing a high speed rail system. Aircraft leadership has passed from America’s Boeing to Europe’s Airbus industries. So instead of building better aircraft that the world’s airlines want, we cater to our own failing market and instead try to beat them out in lawsuits over funding. American car companies have been struggling to meet emission standards, and have benefited from the government relaxing those standards and giving huge financial incentives to buyers in order to sell less than perfect alternative vehicles. In the mean time two Asian companies had managed to build regular gas engined cars that meet those standards all on their own. Did you know that Seoul, like many Asian cities, has vastly more people on the Internet than American city?

The fact is we are falling way, way behind. The whole idea of capitalism is about driving new technology and better products. Unfortunately our system is no longer about that, but using financial kickbacks and regulatory control to allow American companies to not have to compete, and shift away from actually producing anything good. This is getting to a point where it is going to be disastrous – we are so far behind now that we can’t afford to keep up with the rest of the world. We are becoming ineffectual. The power we once held because of our technical and financial leadership is quickly eroding away, and we will have nothing left to stand on. We are essentially killing capitalism here by circumventing the very ideals that it is founded on.

Did you know that the World Bank, which is located in the strongest economy, is about to move to, of all places, China, a Communist country?

 

[cloudship]

Last night I drove into the city to meet up with Bradley and Grumpy. Normally when I am driving I pretty much get into the zone and don’t do any deep thinking, but for some reason last night I did. I had posted a thread a little while ago about our purpose in lifehttp://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=74871 . I have been, over the last few years, trying to find a little direction in my life, and I think I had one of those little sparks of realization as I was driving home.

One of my big interests is in the design of spaces. By spaces, I mean the spaces within and between buildings, the spaces created in the landscape both by man and by nature, and the sense of place that an event or activities give a place. For a long while, I had wanted to be come a Disney Imagineer – I love coming up with ideas for creating environments that have a feeling of being someplace special. I like the idea of themeing and a unified design concept. A unified design concept means that you have a focal point – an anchor to the design. This focal point is what defines the space, what gives it a purpose and a form. Focal points inspire and encourage surrounding elements of the design. This applies not only to architectural design, but other things in life as well. In marketing, a good focus is required for an effective advertising campaign. Good focus is critical to a business plan, helping the company define its product. This is why many companies fail – they don’t keep focused on their core product or service.

For all my belief in focal points, I find that my interest in architectural design is not on the core building, but on the surrounding spaces. I am more interested in the setting and the surroundings – the interstitial spaces – than I am the main element. For me the courtyards and the pathways are what create the atmosphere. I like the design of buildings, but more as they relate to the space as a whole, giving the space definition and leading the overall concept. It’s the little extras – the lights, the hard and softscape, the signage, the music, the activities – that make a space a “place”.

In life, it’s those little extras – the surprise trips, the explorations, the unintended activities, which make it special. I don’t have a focal point – a purpose – in life, and I am questioning whether I really want or need one. There is a lot of outside pressure that the only life living is one with a purpose – this is after all a key element in western religion. A life without a purpose is empty and unfulfilling, the career guides say. Life is a journey, not a destination as the saying goes, and I am far more interested in the journey – the scenery along the way, than I am in getting anyplace.

I am an idea person. I pick up inspiration in the world around me, and turn those into ideas. I am more than just a bit of a daydreamer, people will often wonder how I can just sit there quietly not doing much of anything. In fact I am doing something – my mind is constantly, almost over actively, spinning off ideas. Friends think I am critical because I am constantly coming up with ideas on how to improve things. But I have a bit of a problem – I lack the skills and ability to implement, or even effectively communicate, those ideas. Not being able to keep a focus or interest in any one thing long enough, I lack the drive to overcome all the obstacles and interruptions between me and what I enjoy doing. For instance, I worked in the architecture field, and hated it – it is a bottom up design process, dealing with details and all kinds of politics and grunt work, and never ever enough of the conceptual part, which is the one part I do enjoy. This then leaves me hanging – how do I find a focal point for my life – something to build it around, without creating a goal or destination to my life’s journey?

 

[cloudship]

I have been thinking about this life’s purpose thing, and I am starting to make some progress. Right now I have even come up with working purpose. My purpose in life is to: Just be who I am.

It seems so much these days that everyone wants you to take sides, to fight the enemy and unfalteringly stay true to your image no matter how unreal it may be. We have become caricatures of ourselves – not true people but iconic reflections of a particular crusade. We have put so much emphasis on being true to ourselves that we forgot who our real selves are and substituted a cliché in it’s place. I am terribly inconsistent in my views, I waffle, my mind changes a million times a day, and I question every step I take. And I like it that way. I don’t pass through life with blinders on, ignoring anything that doesn’t fit my little preconceived fantasy world. Every thing I see, I experience, and I discover influences me. And that is what makes me, me.

 

[cloudship]

My boss is a lesbian. She has an inborn antagonistic attitude – everyone is out to get her, to put her down. She has to fight for everything. And she hates everything. She goes into every situation on the defensive, and she has this need to show her strength and prove she is better than everyone else. It seems like such an unhappy life to live.

I am not like that. I don’t look at people as potential foes, but as potential friends. Yeah, there are things that annoy me, people do things that I hate, or have views I hate. But I try to overlook those. Maybe I am being a push over, maybe I am just trying to look beyond that to find some common ground that we can work from and be friends. I came out the other day to one of my coworkers – a real shy, very conservative guy. It was pretty much a matter of fact thing, I didn’t push it on, it just worked itself into the conversation (he asked me how I felt working with a person of that persuasion), and I answered a few of his questions and just steered back the conversation to cars. He actually was the one who brought it up again, because it was totally not the way he expected to someone to come out – I didn’t push it on, I didn’t turn it into an argument, and I didn’t take an attitude with it. He said he would have normally avoided anything to do with the conversation, but because I was so approachable about it he didn’t feel uncomfortable talking about it. Ironically he’s been much more comfortable talking now, too, since he knows I am not going to take offense at what he says.

So I guess my point is, stop trying to win. This isn’t a battle, there isn’t going to be a winning side and a loosing side. Start trying to make things work together. Maybe we can all be a little happier if we are just willing to everyone be happy.