dhchitown1984
Slut
OK, here goes.
In January of this year, my relationship crumbled. My ex had cheated on me with about six other guys over two years. It killed me. Still feeling some of the emotional insecurities that came with his blatant disrespect for myself. Upon reflecting on it, I don't hold myself responsible for his actions, but I did recognize some codependent behaviors that I displayed.
About three months later, I became friends with a neighbor who lived about two blocks away from me. We met at the bar on the block in between our apartments. We had a sort of sex with benefits relationship, however, I was still having pretty big intimacy issues (and in many ways, I still am). So the benefits came to a close. On a friendship level, we're great! We do get along, and I enjoy going out and having him in my social life.
But on that same note, it's becoming way too much. He's become almost "attached." I feel like I'm losing my independent identity. It really hit when I went out one night, and he was meeting me at the bar and when I asked the bartender for a drink, he says "Don't you want two? Where's your other half?" That's when I realized that I'm not developing an independent identity anymore. I appreciate this friendship, but I want to date, develop new social circles, and I feel that I can't with my perceived "other half."
I do have grindr, scruff and tinder profiles, which I've never hidden, but when I get an alert from Scruff or Tinder, I always get this awkward look or comment about it, or I'll notice that my friend looks at my scruff profile every few days. I feel like I'm being watched.
I moved about three weeks ago (albeit my new apartment is only about 9 blocks away from where I lived before), and I thought "Great! This will give me some space! No more bed/couch crasher half the week!" And it has helped, but it also hasn't. In some ways, I get my space in some ways but we talked about grabbing dinner one night and as I was on my way home from work he goes "Hey, I parked on the street so I would take up to parking spaces, so let me know when you're close!" And know when he does come over, he leaves clothes here (not a suitcase, but there's a pair of socks or a shirt to change into/out of left behind). He even bought "stuff" for my apartment, which I really appreciate, but I feel like I haven't been able to make my home "my" home."
So, I was honest at that point and said "I do look forward to hanging out with you, but sometimes, I'd like to get home and relax for an hour or so before heading out. I need to walk the dog, change, check the mailbox... and I feel like after working a 10-hour day, I don't want to be 'on-stage' entertaining a friend as soon as I get home." And then he told me "I know you need space, I know I get clingy." I told him I had signed up to do some volunteer orientations with two different organizations, so I could add something else to my personal life, and it was "Oh which ones? That sounds fun!" and I said "You should do it! Just google something you're into and I'm sure something will come up!" and his response was "Well, I wouldn't do something like that alone!" So I told him "This is something I'm doing by myself." And he sort of got it, and it was good for 48-hours... and the pattern started again.
Last night, I was sitting on the couch watching TV and he layed his on my shoulder, and then he picked my arm up and put in behind his back as he layed down on my lap. And we're not a couple - and it just seems too "couple-y" for me.
I'm afraid to cut him cold turkey because he said he's always battled depression and he's felt it kick up recently, and he the friendship is greatly valued, but the blurred line needs to be made bold, and I can't keep feeling like he's watching every move or taking up my social calendar if I'm going to get out and start dating again. Just not sure how to have the conversation without making him feel bad about himself. I get I'm going to be the bad guy, which I'm OK with because it's a healthy move for me, but I am concerned about his well being. Ugh.
In January of this year, my relationship crumbled. My ex had cheated on me with about six other guys over two years. It killed me. Still feeling some of the emotional insecurities that came with his blatant disrespect for myself. Upon reflecting on it, I don't hold myself responsible for his actions, but I did recognize some codependent behaviors that I displayed.
About three months later, I became friends with a neighbor who lived about two blocks away from me. We met at the bar on the block in between our apartments. We had a sort of sex with benefits relationship, however, I was still having pretty big intimacy issues (and in many ways, I still am). So the benefits came to a close. On a friendship level, we're great! We do get along, and I enjoy going out and having him in my social life.
But on that same note, it's becoming way too much. He's become almost "attached." I feel like I'm losing my independent identity. It really hit when I went out one night, and he was meeting me at the bar and when I asked the bartender for a drink, he says "Don't you want two? Where's your other half?" That's when I realized that I'm not developing an independent identity anymore. I appreciate this friendship, but I want to date, develop new social circles, and I feel that I can't with my perceived "other half."
I do have grindr, scruff and tinder profiles, which I've never hidden, but when I get an alert from Scruff or Tinder, I always get this awkward look or comment about it, or I'll notice that my friend looks at my scruff profile every few days. I feel like I'm being watched.
I moved about three weeks ago (albeit my new apartment is only about 9 blocks away from where I lived before), and I thought "Great! This will give me some space! No more bed/couch crasher half the week!" And it has helped, but it also hasn't. In some ways, I get my space in some ways but we talked about grabbing dinner one night and as I was on my way home from work he goes "Hey, I parked on the street so I would take up to parking spaces, so let me know when you're close!" And know when he does come over, he leaves clothes here (not a suitcase, but there's a pair of socks or a shirt to change into/out of left behind). He even bought "stuff" for my apartment, which I really appreciate, but I feel like I haven't been able to make my home "my" home."
So, I was honest at that point and said "I do look forward to hanging out with you, but sometimes, I'd like to get home and relax for an hour or so before heading out. I need to walk the dog, change, check the mailbox... and I feel like after working a 10-hour day, I don't want to be 'on-stage' entertaining a friend as soon as I get home." And then he told me "I know you need space, I know I get clingy." I told him I had signed up to do some volunteer orientations with two different organizations, so I could add something else to my personal life, and it was "Oh which ones? That sounds fun!" and I said "You should do it! Just google something you're into and I'm sure something will come up!" and his response was "Well, I wouldn't do something like that alone!" So I told him "This is something I'm doing by myself." And he sort of got it, and it was good for 48-hours... and the pattern started again.
Last night, I was sitting on the couch watching TV and he layed his on my shoulder, and then he picked my arm up and put in behind his back as he layed down on my lap. And we're not a couple - and it just seems too "couple-y" for me.
I'm afraid to cut him cold turkey because he said he's always battled depression and he's felt it kick up recently, and he the friendship is greatly valued, but the blurred line needs to be made bold, and I can't keep feeling like he's watching every move or taking up my social calendar if I'm going to get out and start dating again. Just not sure how to have the conversation without making him feel bad about himself. I get I'm going to be the bad guy, which I'm OK with because it's a healthy move for me, but I am concerned about his well being. Ugh.
