College Dorm Assignment Help! URGENT!

[iamtotocool]

Hey everyone,

I wasn't sure where to post this question so I posted it here because it seemed like a general discussion section. I apologize for the length of the post beforehand.

So to begin my issue is a follows: I'm attending college in the fall (less then a month away) and I'm living on residence in a DOUBLE room.

Although I explicitly ranked the options of residence which would most likely get me a single room, I ended up in a double.

I was really terrified/upset when I found this out initially because I'm closeted gay guy and the idea of having a roommate is terrifying.

The issue isn't so much that I'm worried about the difference in lifestyle of having to live with a roommate in a double room. It's about how comfortable I'll feel in the continuation of a facade I've had since middle school, and that is of pretending to be straight.

As most of you already know, there is an entire other sub-culture that exists in residence, and that is of...sex, partying and pranks. And I think you can only begin to imagine the issue this creates for me. How will I respond to questions about why I'm not trying to score girls, or why I don't want to go to parties. Or if while my roommate is pulling a 'prank' I'm outed. I've lived this fake life all my life and will likely continue doing so, but at the end of the day I always told myself "When I'm at home, in my room, I can be myself."

I've talked to my roommate, and he seems like a decent person (although he is more of one of those 'gangster' types). Albeit, a few of his friends left homophobic comments like "I work with a bunch of f**** homo's" on his facebook which worries me that he might have a similar attitude as the people he shares his company with, but I also worry about his own personal expectations of who I am. Of course, he's a normal human being, and he has every right to believe I will be a fun person to be with and that he'll enjoy his experience with in dorm. I truly don't want to let someone down on this because I'm insecure and hidden about who I am.

And of course, there's always the homophobic insults and jests that fly around in the company of any (assumingly) straight group of guys. I understand as a closeted gay, this isn't limited to just dorm settings because I've dealt with feeling completely like crap when an insult is thrown at me or just in general, throughout my whole life. My only hope was that I could have a pseudo-sanctuary where I can relax and be who I am without any worries.

And I understand that RA's are always there to help quell my worries and reduce homophobia by educating residents but even then, I don't believe they can really help the situation as much as we like to think they can. I've learnt from experience that people tend to be very open and liberal about homosexuality in open, but completely reverse behind closed doors.

So I emailed my school's housing department a month or so ago about my concerns and I asked if I could potentially be switched into a single room. They responded today and said they would be willing to make the switch for me (really awesome considering the residence at my school is PACKED to the brim). The person is just waiting on my go to make the switch come Monday, but I wanted to ask everyone on here something before I say "Go ahead."

Am I making my sexuality a bigger deal then it really is? The person at my school's pride club said that single rooms won't really allow me to have guys over anyways because of the 'dorm open door' setting that exists and because floor mates will start questioning why I keep having a male come over frequently (He talks from experience of having lived in a single room). He told me that it's not really that big of a deal to have a roommate, and that the club and my RA is always there if some issue arises.

Like over this month I've also kind of come to see having a roommate as a 'learning' experience, and that maybe it would be better to have one. I'm already a social person so It's not that I'm worried I won't make friends, but a lot of college traditionalists say it's amazing to have a roommate to understand how to coexist with differences. Not to mention, I will have 182983928 people asking me how/why I got switched into a single, which I will have to contrive some stupid story for.

I don't know. I guess my question is, as a closeted gay guy should I go for the double for the experience but possible insecurity, or should I go with a single which will have it's own issues and lack the 'true college experience' but I have a safe haven of some sort?

Thanks for taking the time to read my long post.

 

[spooger]

"Am I making my sexuality a bigger deal then it really is?"

probably, yes

is coming out an option for you right now?

is your gay sexuality very obvious to others? probably not if you've been "acting" str8 ... as i'm sure you're aware, it could expose you to an element of danger among strangers if any are violently homophobic

but if you get along well with others, and don't feel like you need to "flaunt" your sexuality ... it could be a learning experience as you say ...

good luck ... keep us posted ....

 

[soulseeker]

Hi, I just finished my junior year, and thanks god that I moved out of the dorm. I couldn't get the whole "residence" thing. Too cliquish for me XD. It's extremely hard for me to take a shower since I see guys half-naked there all the time . My advise: stay cool and keep a low profile till you move off campus.

 

[josher]

Take the single. It'll be quieter, you won't be in conflict with somebody's else's schedule or be bothered by their friends.

I wouldn't room with anyone who's agreeable to having the phrase "fucking homos" on his facebook page. Or friends who would say something like that.

If people ask why you're in a single, just say, "for the peace and quiet". It isn't anyone else's business.

You'll have plenty of chances to socialize with or without a roommate.

And you're in college to study and learn, not to turn your room into a love shack. Think less about romantic involvement and more about personal academic achievement.

 

[soulseeker]

Or you can tell your residence "friends" that your male buddy is study mate

 

[altlover85]

I started college in the Fall of 2003. I wasn't out to anyone at school, but I was "dating" a guy long distance. We never actually ended up meeting so that's why I put it in quotes.

In the beginning of my first semester my roomate didn't know I was gay. I ended up telling him that I was talking to this girl named Jessica, when my boyfriend called. It turned out that his girlfriend's name was Jessica and it made the whole thing awkward.

I went out to party with him, two other guys, and a girl. We had fun, but I was always nervous about him finding out. At some point, I got sick of it and admitted that the "girl" I was talking to was really a guy and that I was gay.

After that it was so much easier to live with him and he didn't get weirded out by it. My other friends ended up knowing and even one of them found out I had a crush on him and it was fine. The world didn't end.

I really don't see any reason why you shouldn't come out at some point in your college career. You don't know these people and their opinions hopefully won't matter as much. Learning that people's opinions don't matter (especially if I barely know them) was something that was (and still can be) hard for me to learn. However, the sooner you learn it, the sooner you can be more comfortable.

Lying about your life is also really stressful and I don't think you should put yourself through that if you don't have to. Once things are out in the open you'll see who accepts you for you and who doesn't.

As far as rooming in a double or a single, if you'd really rather have a single than go for it. I enjoyed having a roomate Freshmen year and wouldn't change it for the world.

Regardless, I think you should try and come out relatively early in your college career. See if you can get involved in the pride club at your school.

 

[relaxin13]

I explicitly ranked a single as my most preferred option as well. I ended up in a triple, and made two fantastic friends, one with which I am currently living (almost five years later). I wouldn't be overly worried about it. I know not everyone is as lucky as I was in getting assigned roommates, but don't get too worried. just make sure to contact whoever you are assigned to live with prior to moving in.

 

[DeafFoxDemon]

i know the feeling. i remember my Freshmen year in 2008, and i had this roommate who bring in girls all time while i was sleeping, so i end up switch to single room in less than four months

 

[CumAlong]

Dorm living is a wonderful experience. I went into a triple my Freshmen year, and I am going to be rooming with one of my roommates for the third year in a row, with 2 other guys for a total of four in our very own apartment.

College is going to be the best time of your life. Yes, you're there to learn and get an education, but don't let anyone fool you. You are there to have fun, and learn a whole lot about yourself, your morals, and what truly makes you, you.

Will rooming with another guy be awkward? Not necessarily. if you want to keep your secret, its not all that hard as you're making it out to be.

Will you be asked about going to parties? yea, but go for crying out loud!

Will you be asked about scoring 'bitties'? Yea. Theres plenty of answers to that question. The truth for one. Or saying your waiting for the right one, or you're just taking you're time. Even better: you don't want to be tied down during your golden years.

As for 'homophobic' insults and jests. most of the time, they are not homophobic, they are merely jests and harmless. Straight guys 'flirt' with each other all time, as a joke, and as a result will joking insult each other for being "gay" even though they are straight. Expect to hear such things, expect that these things will come your way if you so choose to make friends with your floormates, but understand, it is NOT homophobic, and not meant as an insult. If for some reason you are truly hurt by it, the only thing to do is say something. Again, tell the truth, or make something up.

I think you will find that many younger generation people are not homophobic. Some are, but not all, or even most.

in my opinion, living with a roommate is a pivotal point in your life. Its an opportunity for bonding, brotherhood, and if played right, a friendship that no one else can compare with. In my dorms especially, it held fairly true, that the closer you lived to someone, the more likely you were to be be close with them, especially roommates.

In the end, it is up to you. What I would advise most highly against is sitting in your single with the door closed, not socializing with your floor. If asked to hang out, DO IT. First of all, its Freshmen year, its not overly difficult. hitting the books 24.7 will destroy you. Not only do moderate partiers have high grades, they have higher satisfaction with the college experience. A release such as a party (even if not drinking) relieves stress, and allows the mind to relax and enjoy a surge of endorphins for a while.

I know many friends that choose not to drink at parties, and they have a fantastic time. You can still play pong, play card games, just about any drinking game. Just grab an energy drink, some water, anything, and also grab a buddy to drink your beers at pong, that shouldn't be too hard.

Never, ever, has anyone been riddiculed or insulted for going to a party and drinking an energy drink or water instead of alcohol. You're there to have fun, people know it. So have some damn fun! Again, I'm repeating myself, DO NOT lock yourself into your room and become the hermit kid that never talks or does anything.

Go into college with a set idea of your morals and beliefs, and then realize that this a point for your to grow and become who you truly are. Don't hold onto anything too strongly, but don't be persuaded too easily. This is your ultimate learning experience, and you should experience it!

Sorry for the lengthy response, but such a lengthy post requires a lot of responding. Hope your college experience is as wonderful as mine has been so far.

Don't let any predispositions control you, or they will consume you. College is going to be great, just introduce yourself to your floor (the RA should make sure to do a good job of that for you guys anyways, thats what they are there for). Don;t wait around for invites or people to ask you to do something...ask THEM. If everyone sat around waiting for someone to ask them to do something, no one is going to do anything now are they?

All your fears essentially come down to socializing. Go with an open mind, and fuck anyone who thinks badly of you for who you are, there's a thousand other people to replace them.

 

[InkOfTruth]

In my opinion, I would suggest rooming with someone - taking the double. I don't know your preferences, but living alone will get you down. Even if you have a lot of friends at school, once you go back to the dorms and turn off the lights, you will start feeling isolated. Also, you might become really good friends with your roommate.

In terms of the situation concerning your need to conceal your sexuality, you can still come out to people at school while not telling your roommate. If you hook up with a guy or get a boyfriend, ask if you could stay at their place since your roommate doesn't know about your orientation. Or, if you really don't want to keep it from your roommate, you might want to get a feel of how he feels toward homosexuals during the first few weeks of living with him. Somehow, bring it into a conversation and see how he responds. Just keep in mind that you are only living with this guy for a year. But nonetheless, one of the things that can ruin a college experience is a bad roommate. So also keep in mind that you should try your hardest to make the living situation work out.

 

[BlueD]

People all have their own opinion on whether you should be out to your friends or not. But to me, there are much more to a person than his sexuality. And I don't know why it would be a big problem if you have a roommate or not. Probably will if you intend on having sex in your room. >.< It would be awkward not because you are with a guy, but it is because you are having sex and your dorm mate might overhear it or your roommate will walk in on you. I lived in the dorm 3 years ago, I know. XD

For the single room, if you want your space and not to clash with random people, take it. Other people won't question it. Or you can just tell them you like your space, don't want to deal with bad roommates (this happened and a few people switch rooms during the semester because of it), or something along that line. They won't press the subject. You are not the only one that chooses single room. After the first year, you can move out anyway.

About your sexuality, well, you said you are closeted, so you can just be quiet about it. Don't stress about it. There are more things to do and think about in your first year in college. When people ask "do you have a gf?", you can just say "no." A lot of Freshmen don't have gf. At least at my school. (Used to be Playboy's Best Partying School in the nation XD.) People might not even ask. Or you can be out with it since you know no one and no one knows you. Yet. You don't have to pretend to be anything. I think students nowadays are open-minded. They won't say anything in front of you. Maybe rumors behind your back, but you live for yourself, not people you don't know.

Say "hi" to people since you don't know any of them yet. Go to the cafeteria together (this is fun XD). Do intramural sports. Join the hall/dorm/RA's social activities. Leave your door open (so people can see you and invite you to do things ). Lock your door when you can (so no one will steal your stuff, you never know). Go by other rooms and casually talk about stuff or just greetings are fine. Make some friends. Just be nice and friendly to your dorm mates and you will be fine. Don't get into rivalry. You never know what will happen at 3AM in the morning outside your door. I lived through the dorm year unscratched and make some really good friends. If people like you, the pranks won't fall onto you or just some little harmless pranks. And if you play pranks and piss off others, well, you are just asking for it and the retaliation will be worse than you think. :S Your first priority in college should be studying anyway. Right? Right... Finding more about yourself is important too. It's a time of grow.

Anyway, don't worry too much. Make friends, be social. They will get your back. And the dorm can turn into a pleasant experience. I typed a lot that I don't remember what else to say anymore. I hope this is helpful to you. Good luck in college. (I'm coming back in less than a week! )

p/s: Remember "Saying NO won't break true friendships." Don't be peer-pressure into doing dumb/illegal things. And "electronics don't have the OFF button for nothing." (talking about procrastination =/ )

 

[Danncer128]

Cutting yourself off the first year is going to make school unbearable. Its college, have fun! Don't worry about the rooming thing. If he's a total asshole you can be transferred, a school is not going to leave you in a bad situation. I LOVE on campus housing. You get the chance to meet so many more people. Yea at first ur forced to be around them, but you then realize you may make friends you otherwise would have just passed by had you not had to talk to them. My first room mate i had at UMD is now my best friends and I can't imagine life without him. College kids are a lot more open then people give them credit for...I have friends make so called "homophobic remarks" on my wall on facebook, does that make me a bad gay, lol...no you just have to know who has an issue with it and who doesn't. Hell I make seemingly "homophobic" remarks in public all the time, lol

 

[JasunStrikesBack]

If you can get your own room for ANY reason you should.

Having a room mate in college sucks.

And yeah... you'll be more comfortable coming out if you can kinda do it in private. But what you'll find is that most people don't give a shit either way if you're gay or not.

 

[seven_sins]

I am an only child and the thought of having to live in a room with someone I didn't know was something I didn't look forward to when I went off to college. My roommate joined a frat and went girl crazy his first semester. I didn't see that much of him. He moved into the frat house the second semester and I moved in with the guy next door, which was a big mistake. The problem was not the roommate but his friends. About 1/3 the way through the semester, my first roommate contacted me and wanted to room with me again. We moved in together and roomed together through graduate school. It was an experience I will never forget. He was like a brother to me. I even joined his frat and we both lived together in the frat dorm.

If I had been offered the option of a single room, I believe I would have taken it. I am glad I did not have that opportunity. Based on my experience, you have about a 50/50 chance of getting a roommate you can get along with. If you choose to room with the guy, you can ask for another room if things don't work out. It can be miserable to live with someone you don't get along with.

 

[smashingbumpkin]

It's college you should be getting out of your safety zone. But its understandable that you want to take it one step at a time.

I find a lot of people kind of respect it when I'm just upfront about my sexuality: "hey man, just throwing it out there but I'm gay. I hope that's not a problem."
Of course, maybe I've just been lucky I haven't met too many homophobic people. But college is a learning experience. Hell I'm moving in with 2 other guys in a single bedroom dorm in a week. Shits going to be crazy.

 

[frankfrank]

^ thread bumped for truth. (Does a mere half an hour count?)

[EDIT: the arrow was supposed to point to JasunStrikesBack, but other posts intervened meanwhile, lol. Also, it was a half hour WHEN I STARTED TYPING, but well more once I finished...]

In college I experienced both a single dorm room, and a double. I found the single far more to my liking...I was able to do things entirely according to my own schedule without disturbing anybody. If I needed to study, I knew that I could safely do so in my room, without worrying whether a roommate would be throwing a small gathering of friends, or playing music or media that would be far too distracting (i.e. wanting me to stop and pay attention to the media instead of studying...OR perhaps being some kind of media I may despise).

There were a couple times that I had at least some days of the week without ANY morning classes at all. I can't imagine what it would have been like in a double (or, even worse, a triple or quadruple, which also existed) on those days if there were people running around all morning from 6:30 onward.

If you have a single, and you suddenly wake up at 2 in the morning and you want to look at JUB for a few minutes, you can do it without disturbing anybody...and in fact nobody will ever know that you looked at - gasp - a gay porno site.

If your first class on Thursdays is at 11am and you love to sleep in, you can. You don't have to be bothered by a roommate who gets up bright and early, making all kinds of noise for 32 minutes before he finally is off to his 8:30am lab class. Or if you have that 8:30am lab class and he has nothing until 11am and he wants to sleep in...well, he won't be there (because you'll be in a SINGLE), and you can make all the noise you want.

Even if you and a roommate become best friends, those interactions can get in the way if you should instead be studying. Your best friend can be down the hall instead, and nothing keeps you from hanging out with whoever you choose, whether you have a single or not.

The advantages of having your own place, when a situation comes up that allows for sex to happen in your room, is of course an advantage. But I didn't even address that here otherwise, because I didn't have to. There are already enough other advantages.

seven_sins...Based on my experience, you have about a 50/50 chance of getting a roommate you can get along with.

And, if you know you'll be comfortable with a single room, about a 100% chance of being in a situation you can get along with.

 

[MoltenRock III]

To the OP, I say "grow up and deal with it". You should just tell your roommate you're gay and learn to become a functioning gay man in America.

Will you? I doubt it. Why? Because so many closeted men want to continue to lie and stay in their comfortable closet. Coming out isn't easy. But you have to do it at some point. Otherwise, you'll end up like many of those on this site that post how lonely they are, and they are in their final year of college yet never have slept with a guy, or revealed their sexuality. *snore* Just look at this site's history and the sheer number of closeted men in their final year or two of school, that are still trying to score with str8 men. It's really pathetic.

 

[miguelfukt]

just get over your fears of being gay and come out. you are being fake to yourself and everyone you know.

 

[CudDULL]

I swear its always "me against the world"

Get over it because you just like many before you that are first time dorming Freshmen, they all had anxiety about dorming with a horrible roommate.

 

[EJMichaels]

It's probably a bit different for women, but I'll add my thoughts anyway. I came out during my first year in college. I was living in a dorm, in a triple. Both of my roommates were okay with the concept, but bringing a gf there would have been awkward. You could end up with great roommates, but I wouldn't take the chance. Having a single would avoid potential problems. Like many others here said, just don't hide out and avoid socializing. If you do plenty of socializing, the single room isn't going to isolate you. It would give you a safe refuge if the guys are jerks or if you find someone.