Coming Out - A Few Questions

[chrisjames19]

Closeted college guy here with a few questions from experienced guys.

When did you "know/feel" it was time to come out?

How did you come out to your friends?

How did you come out to your family?

How many people/who do you choose to come out to?

These are just a few of the questions I am curious about. I don't think I am ready to come out, but am just curious what other guys have done. Any answers are appreciated. Thanks Guys!

 

[attallaborn]

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1. you'll know its time to come out when your so lonely its unbearable. no matter how many close friends and family you have around, they cant take away from the loliness you feel when you dont have that special person to wake up beside or snuggle up to..

2. i have come out to 1 close friend but not to any other friend or family...since i have moved away, i don't volunteer my orientation but i will not deny it and will tell new people in my life that i am gay...

3. i have come out to select people (not many) who i interact with on a regular biases. random people at work, fb, etc i will not tell my business--so when they are asking questions (the kind people ask to see without asking if your gay) i vaguely answer the questions but not dicuss my orientation because its none of their business...so i guess you can say i dont wear my sexuality on my sleeve but i dont shout it out to the roof tops either..

 

[Comtemplation]

I came out to all immediate friends that I cared to let know. Usually I probe with the question "how do you feel about LGBT", though half the time that pretty much gives it away. Then follow up with a simple, "I'm gay."

Either that or you can direct a conversation into a direction where you present a situation in which the other party asks why, and you reply with something that indicates your sexual orientation. It's casual and IMO looks more natural, and you don't look like if you're making a big deal out of it. Just IMO.

And another thing, try to know the person you're coming out to. By that I mean try to know how the person reacts to "surprises" or "shocking news" for lack of better words. Basically just imagine how the person would react in the worst case scenario, and take addition steps to prepare yourself. My friend told me to take my brother to a public place first in case he reacts negatively, as people are less likely to have an outburst out in public.

I don't know where you live, but often times, people are less judgemental than you think they are. That is unless you know for certain there are certain anti-LGBT people around you or community. But good luck on your coming out journey.

 

[dhchitown1984]

When did you "know/feel" it was time to come out?I always had the mind set of "I'd never knew when the right time would be, but I'd always know when the right time wasn't." I don't think there's any particular moment/day/reason why I was suddenly OK with it, but at the end of the day, you have to be in a place where you're happy with who you are, and you have to be OK with discussing it with people. I don't think it's fair to tell someone, and then end it with "no questions." Because the people that genuinely care about you, are going to ask you questions because they do care.... are you seeing anyone? Why didn't you tell me sooner? or the infamous "how long have you been gay?"

How did you come out to your friends?
The only people I made it a "big deal" with were my parents. Because I knew I'd never be in a position where I'd be out at the bar with them casually talking about relationships to where I could drop it into conversation. But I do firmly believe that it' only a big deal when you make it one. I was out at the bar with one of my best female friends, and at the end of the night, I just said, "Hey, I figured I'd let you know, I like boys." She just laughed and asked if I was seeing anyone, I said no, and then we kept the night going. She didn't ask any questions until about two weeks later, which then were questions asking what my type of guy was, have you told your parents, and of course, and I remember this so vividly, she said "I have a question, and I don't know how to ask, so I'm just going to ask..." and I knew she was going to ask the pitcher/catcher question. Part of me wasn't ready to discuss it, so I told her that too. Just don't make it a big deal unless you want people to think it's a big deal. And I found it went very well with telling them that I hadn't really discussed myself so intimately with friends and family before, and it was new to discuss it with people who weren't gay, and to respect my uncomfortableness and I would respect theres (because for many of friends, I was their only "gay friend.")

 

[Supersix]

In a way, I waited until I was forced to come out to family and friends (I'm not out at work). It happened when I realized that my partner was more important to me than was anyone else. Just like a husband or wife is supposed to forsake all others, I finally understood that I wanted to be with him much more than I cared what anyone thought, even close relatives. To my surprise, every time I told someone, no one seemed to care one way or the other, because they liked me for who I was, and if they knew my partner, same thing. I imagine people guessed it also, but only one person admitted to that. It took a few months for my parents to come around, but I made it clear that my choice was made, and if they wanted to have a relationship with me, then they would have to accept me and my partner for who we were. It's all fine for a long time now, and I know that I am lucky for that. I repsect the older men who blazed a trail for us, who demanded and got acceptance. Men (and women) who lived together as couples, and showed the world that it isn't as horrible as it was made out to be. Of course there will be difficulties. I told almost everyone in person, except my parents, where I used email, then subsequent telephone conversations, if they answered the phone. That was stressful, but as an independent, grown man, I had to do what is right for my partner and me. Now things are very good. Good luck to you.

 

[hylas]

When did you "know/feel" it was time to come out?
i first came out to a female best friend (cliché of clichés, sue me) and after that, i was happy for about a year. but then i started to get restless again. a bit like when youre in love, and you want to tell the world, screaming at the top of your lungs. there was a number of lucky coincidences (amongst other things, i transferred to a new school in a larger town), it was perfect timing for me.

How did you come out to your friends?
wanting to be out to everybody, i was first planning to just say it in front of my new class when we were introducing ourselves on the first day, but i didnt go through with it, because it didnt feel right. i ultimately just told a few people, and the news spread like wildfire. from there on i just got the occasional "i heard you were gay... are you serious?", which i answered with a simple "yes". soon enough the whole high-school knew.

How did you come out to your family?
i was really lucky there. the exact circumstances are irrelevant, but my mom found out i was gay without me planning it, and both my parents confronted me. i was upset at the time, but almost immediately afterwards i was glad it happened. i admit, if i had to do it out of my own strength, i probably would have waited much longer. im glad it played out the way it did.

How many people/who do you choose to come out to?
as i said, first one single best friend, then my parents found out, then i came out to everybody everywhere. i didnt want secrecy ("im gay but dont tell anybody"), and being afraid wether my friends could be trusted with my secret, and having to behave differently dependent on who was present. i just wanted to be myself everywhere i go, it was the most liberating, most empowering feeling.

good luck!

 

[briefboy86]

When did you "know/feel" it was time to come out?
When it was hard to conceal my realationship with my bf, and questions why I was going away every weekend and could not come up with any more answers.

How did you come out to your friends?
I just told them, with my bestfriend, i said, Your like my brother rite? I can tell you anything? then Gordon goes..."Is this the Im gay thing? haha" Me.. "Yeah." Me" Can we get 2 more beers and 2 shots of Jack"

How did you come out to your family?
Told my mom, she had nothing bad to say, my dad, told him, and he still has no idea on how to deal with it, and its been almost 2 years since I told him.

How many people/who do you choose to come out to?
I just told all my good frinds and my mom and dad, the more i did it the easier it got, just dont be in a huge hurry to tell everyone.

 

[chrisjames19]

Thanks for all the great responses. I know each person has their own situation but I just wanted to hear some experiences. I have come out to 2 of my close girl friends, but thats all that knows.