Coming out.. a question of life and death?

[confused01]

Ok, so here's the deal... I hope I'm not giving away too much of my anonymity by describing my situation, because it's rather specific.

Anyways... I'm a guy of 21 years old and I've been doubting about myself for a very long time now. I've always hidden my "true self" from others and from myself. I know that I must be at least bisexual, but I'm having a real tough time admitting it to myself. I've only had one relationship, and it was with a girl, but after a while I felt insecure...
Even though ever since puberty I've fantasized about intercourse with boys I've always denied that part of me and I've always tried to act as if I didn't notice it.
But the years of self-denial are taking their toll. I've had some serious problems with myself. Where should I start? ... I'm back in the "normal world" for less than a year now, because a whole while ago I've been in rehab because of an eating disorder. Anorexia has been the perfect way for me to restrict me and my mind in both a litteral and figurative way. I've been in rehab for 6 months, have left the rehab, have been good for a few months, and since 2 months I'm good on my path to self-destruction again. I'm underweight again, and "anorexic" according to what the number say (BMI of 17)
I've self-mutilated in the past partially because of previous problems in my life, partially because I cannot understand myself....
Though the self-mutilation has stopped since rehab, I'm still having a lot of trouble with not giving in to my eating disorder.
I'm also in my exams at the moment, and I feel how lonely I am.
I still go to a psychiatrist weekly for the check up on the anorexia, but I even got difficulties about talking about it with him... especially since he's a guy.
And the more time that passes, the lonelier I feel. I've got my ups and downs, but every time I almost come to a point of happiness, the feeling of loneliness takes over because I know I'll never get the chance to be myself.
This may all seem overdramatic to you, but I'm getting so exhausted. The lights in my eyes are fading, I'm feeling emptier every day. Suicide is something that comes to mind at a weekly, if not a daily basis.
So the more time passes, the more I'm realizing that I'm letting this evolve into a matter of choosing between life and death.
It might sound crazy to a lot of you, but because of a lot that happened in my life I've got really big issues with coping how others think of me. Self-hatred has become a part of me. I don't dare to think of how ppl will react. For example I'm still a student. I just can't deal with ppl making fun of me. I'm staying at a dorm, so how can I ever take a boyfriend with me without them noticing it?
I feel that I cannot tell my parents; and as if it's not difficult enough they are divorced and I only rarely see my father since he seems to want to found a new family with my step-mom. In other words I'll have the "joy" of informing my parents at least twice.
I feel that I cannot tell my family. At Christmas a gay man appeared on tv and my uncle made fun of him and called him a sissy.
I cannot tell my brother and sister.
My step-family,... etc. I've always made sure that there's nothing by which they could ever suspect anything.
My friends.... (the few I consider to be my friends)

And the feeling of loneliness just grows and grows. And this dillemma is tearing me apart.
I'm really standing on the edge of a cliff, and I'm so angry. I want to cry, I want to shout at this whole motherf*cking society with all it's cliches and its judgementalism, at everyone who has ever ruined my life and made me this insecure. I want to yell and scream how I hate this theater that I'm performnig for everyone. I don't want to feel lonely, I don't want to wear a mask; it's killing me.
I'm just sick everything. I don't know what I want anymore. I'm desperate.

I don't know what to do.. Coming out seems so hard to me, and I've got no idea if I'll ever get through it.

Sry for my ranting.. Thx if you took the time to read it.

 

[IllgetyouHackman]

It might be easier than you think. People usually make fun of or fear what they don't understand. I have had family members make those comments when I was in the closet, but once I came out I think it brought a realization to them that I am still the same person whom they've known and loved. It is easy to dehumanize something when it isn't at the table staring back at you. I am 21 also and I understand the pressure, but everyone is different in their own process. I would recommend talking to your psychiatrist, because your self loathing needs to be addressed. Don't over analyze what you think people are going to say, believe what you think their going to say isn't necessarily the outcome. That is all I real know what to say, but there are wiser and smarter folks on here that always give good recommendations.

 

[LukiusCurtiss]

You don't have to come out to people if you're not ready at this point, but what is very important is to come out to yourself. I myself have suffered greatly in school trying to deal with the "identity" crisis. You have to accept yourself for your attraction to men whether you are bi or gay, by doing that you will feel much better about yourself.
About the issue of people being jerks and making fun, it's still an issue I sorta deal with but have gotten better because of this philosophy: to hell with what others think, because it's my life.
Hope it helps your situation, and I agree with IllgetyouHackman with talking with your psychiatrist. Good Luck!

 

[Audio Tech]

I survived (somehow) to live to be 45 years old before I had to choose between living or dying. It took a huge toll on me and my health. I NEVER thought my family would accept me, since they are catholic and I have endured some very hateful gay comments in my life. I slept with a gun next to my bed for years, just wanting to find the courage to pull the trigger and end my misery.

But I just could not live like this any longer. So I went for broke and told them.

In my case, nothing happened.... I was absolutely stunned.
My mom actually cried and asked me why I waited so long and endured so much pain? Why didn't I tell them long ago?

In the end, the mental prison I lived in was entirely my own.

I am now truly liberated. My health has and is improving dramatically. I have since told my friends. So far, no issue.

Of course, your mileage may vary, but the bottom line is that you do NOT have to please others. YOU must accept and live as YOURSELF. Yes, easier said than done, I should know.

But it's obvious that your current life is worse than anything that could possibly happen if you decide to "be yourself".

I only wish I had the support of this forum when I was much younger. Could have saved myself many years of this BS. You are far more fortunate NOW.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[SexualTeen]

Well, since you're in college I assume family isn't too involved at the moment right?

Take that out of the equation. You don't need to take a guy back to your dorm. College is the time self realization & experimenting. If you find yourself attracted to a guy then ask him out for coffee or something, completely non-sexual. See if you end of having feelings for him. Just stay positive. I was in a downward spiral before I came out (last week) & I am much happier now.

 

[fetaby]

You sir, need to start making decisions... if you do not want to be led through life under the weight of heteronormative society then you need to accept that some part of yourself is indeed gay, and that it is not bad, regardless of how it us looked at by your family/friends... and then what?

You need to start believing that you can have the things in life you want, and more importantly that you deserve them...

Do you deserve them now? I don't know.. but ask yourself if you've done every single thing in your power to get them...

as long as an option is there, you have work to do, and life is work... there is no easy out, you've got to stand up, move, build your body strong, cause you're gonna need it when you leave behind the family that doesn't accept you, the friends that have turned their back on you, this may happen it may not, but you will never know unless you do something...

I just want you to know, that if you can think it, it is possible... no matter what the odds... I truly believe that...

And on a closing note, you know what it feels like to get about as low as it gets... when you decide that you are truly tired of it, you will also make the decision to do the things you have to do in order to survive... you are not alone, we are everywhere...

 

[KaraBulut]

I remember you.

And I also recall that this seems to get worse around this time of year.

There's always going to be a reason why you can't do something- whether it be coming out, dealing with your eating disorder or being honest with your psychiatrist.

By not participating in your own recovery, you're not giving yourself a chance to get better

You need to talk with your psychiatrist. If needed, print out what you wrote above and take it to your next session.

 

[rareboy]

Well here's the thing.

From the level of indifference you believe your family shows to you, I think it should be really easy for you to sit down and write each of them a letter. An honest to god, real letter that expalins who you are and your fears about acceptance and self-worth.

Write them.

Mail them.

You've got nothing to lose.

And an entire life to gain.

The truth.

Shall set you.

Free.

 

[scooter63]

The people who have posted replies to your posting have all given you sound sane advice and I am not going to dwell on anything that they have already covered.

I will say this in background, I too was in the boat that many of the people on here, readers, questioners, and responders, in that I was afraid of the unknown, afraid of expressing myself, and fearful of the reaction. It took me to the brink of ending my life last April. I chose to stay alive and seek help. And that is what I am going to tell you to do.

You say that you are seeing a counselor right now, presumable for your eating disorder, and that you are fearful of bringing up the topic of possibly being bisexual or gay with him because he is a man. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. They are a professional and they are there to help everybody, man, woman, gay, straight, any ethnic or religious background you can name, it doesn't friggin matter to them. Do you think you would be the first person to walk in the door and say, "Hey look doc, I gotta tell you. I am gay." Hardly.

The counselor I saw was a man, a married man, a Catholic, and big involvement in his church and beliefs. Did that stop him from helping me? NO. Did he treat me any different than he did anybody else? NO. He told me each time I met him for a session that his job was to make me better, to help me improve my life, and to give me the tools that I needed to make a better life for myself.

If the fact the you are talking to a man is such a worry, ask him if he would refer you to a woman counselor, if you think talking to her would be any different, after all you are going to talk to her about liking women and men and how you would like to experiment with a man sexually. Wouldn't that be a little awkward as well?

Get over the hang up about talking to a professional about your concerns and problems. Get back to the counselor and tell him the full story of what all is going on and all of the different issues that are affecting your well being. The one responder who mentioned about bringing in what you wrote above was a good suggestion. In fact, that is what I did. I copied and pasted all of my postings on JUB plus other things that I had written, plus my journal and took it in with me and gave it to him. He read it, gave them all back to me as he did not want them as part of medical file, but it gave him a lot of insight and help and was a good basis for him to start questioning me. Saved him time in having to go fishing for the problems.

You say you have an eating disorder and that is what you were in rehab for, along with the self-mutilation, and you are back to the not eating thing. Those two things are the outward signs, the visible signs of the anxiety you are having over your issues of sexuality. You need help from an outside source to help you overcome those issues and to get you back on solid footing.

And your concern about walking around a dorm with a boyfriend I will say is a lot of much to do about nothing. I have really had my eyes opened since April when I took the leap out of the closet and what I have seen in the public high schools around where I live. It is very pleasing to me to see high school age kids walking around openly gay with their boyfriends and girlfriends and no one cares. If that can happen in the uneducated, backwoods, hillbilly atmosphere of the sticks and woods of northern Wisconsin, it certainly can happen else where.

Get to your counselor and start opening up to him and get the help you so richly deserve and need. Everyone here at JUB is rooting for you and we will be here to support you but ultimately the next move it up to you, as it was to me in April. You have to decide what kind of life you want to live. I hope and pray that you decide that you want to live a happy life.

God Bless. And don't be afraid to IM any of the people you see on the boards or this board in particular if you want to talk to one of them one on one, if that makes you feel better. Everyone here wants to see you get better.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey confused,

Firstly thanks for posting here. Theres some real courage in the honesty you showed here. You should be proud of the strength it took to open up and be honest about how you feel deep inside. Its easy for people to forget how tough honesty can be when it makes you feel vulnerable, it takes conviction and determination to overcome those things mate, so take a moment to reflect on what you've achieved already.

Secondly... dont be so hard on yourself. All of us worry to some extent about what others think of us. Sure some worry less than others but acceptance by others is important to all of us.

And a lot of us have felt alone too at the stage where you are. Its a really common thing to feel like you are the only person in the world and the only one having to deal with all the things going on in your world.

So believe it or not confused, we understand. And we feel.

And thats why theres hope and happiness ahead for you.

Your understanding of yourself and whats hurting you and holding you back are the key. You already know the pain this is causing you, the damage its doing to you. You know the root cause of the issue and you know the frustration and anger that its causing.

The thing to do is break it down to baby steps.

First - believe in yourself. Believe that you are the good honest open courageous person that we see here. Believe that the guy who wrote that post ^ has the foresight and power to ask for help. Believe that your talents and your abilities are unique and amazing. The way you write and the conviction of your words show an intelligent articulate guy.

Second - understand you are not alone. We are here... guys who have been where you are. Sure, your world is unique but most of us have worked our way through a maze of confusion and doubt too. We've hurt and cried as well, but we are stronger because of it. You will be too.

Thirdly - trust. Trust in yourself, and trust that your psychiatrist believes in you too. Trust that he wont judge you, hate you or condemn you. Trust that the more you give him, the more he can give you... and that applies to eating too. Trust that when you believe in him he can help you. Trust that you body and your mind are too important, too precious and too valuable to hurt any more because they are.

Confused, none of us will ever know it all. Beating this thing, growing to be the incredible guy you can be, fulfilling your dreams and ambitions is a journey and its one that you needn't walk alone.

If you can show the same power, the same courage, the same determination to beat this thing with your psychiatrist the way you did here, then things will change. You have the ability to change how you feel. You have the power to get the help you need... and all of us will be supporting you every step of the way.

Its not weakness to ask for help, its a strength. Its not fear to admit you are scared its bravery.

Print out this thread - take it with you when you next visit your psychiatrist - its that simple. Hand it too him, dont speak if you dont want, let him read it.

Then mate, please, let him help you be all the guy we know you can be.

 

[confused01]

Wow... So yesterday evening after writing that message I was upset and went to bed. I couldn't sleep though because I was pondering so much. After lying awake for 4 hours I took a sleeping pill, and I just got up.
I was wondering if anyone had reacted to my message. I seriously thought I'd be lucky if I would have had one reply or something.
Thanks guys, I really appreciate all the effort you guys put in replying, and I also thank for your honest views on my situation. It gives me a short sobering moment in which I realize I should first try every step before I can decide I cannot take any step further. In just an hour I've got my appointment with my psychiatrist. I normally see him weekly, but he's been on holidays during this period, so it's been a while. I should use this short moment of soberness you gave me to gather my courage and talk about it all with him. Thanks for the suggestion to print out my first message, that will make things easier for me to start with.
I seriously hope he'll be able to make me at ease with the situation.
It might be good for me to finally be able to express myself. I'm also quite angry with everyone who ever made society this condemning towards gays. In the back of my mind I've got this idea that society cannot possibly call me perverted. I think it's more perverted to judge or think about someone else's sexual preference. Maybe I should grab hold of that thought a little more.
Thank you everyone for replying, I'll do my best to remember what I wrote down here and what you guys said.
I'm going to my psychiatrist and explain the situation. I hope that from that point he'll be able to give me some strength to go on.
I'll keep you guys updated,
and thanks again. You made me feel less alone
*hug to everyone of you*

 

[Petalswilt]

Just one more thing: the more you talk about it, the easier it will get. So just try to ride out that initial horrible unbearable feeling when you talk to your psychiatrist. Once it's done you'll feel a weight is lifted off your shoulders. And you can truly start your recovery.

 

[GreggS]

A lot of this seems to mentally unfold on its own, sort of like a natural mental process that could takes years to work through in some cases. Check you PM.

 

[confused01]

Okay, so I told my psychiatrist everything.
I didn't really feel relieved, but it did go easier than I thought. Basically he told me that it will take time for people to get used to it, but that everyone will have to agree with it in the end. I think that the big change in feeling for myself can only come once I'm outing to the people around me (parents, friends, fellow students,...).
I wouldn't say I'm happy with the way my psychiatrist reacted, but I'm not upset either. I guess I should consider that as something positive since I was expecting a worse reacion.
I've got to be honest though; I'm not feeling very supported by him in this. I'm feeling much more supported by you guys, and I'm not paying you guys €40 an hour.
He asked me if I looked up on the internet how other guys out themselves... A bit ironical that my psychiatrist himself is referring to here. I should pay you guys instead of him.
I also explained to him that I'm unable to do anything for my exams because I'm struggling so much with this that it's taking away any ability to concentrate. I also said that I don't know if it's a good idea either to come out to my parents in the middle of my exams since I should be studying instead of starting deep conversations that aren't finished in a few seconds. So I was kind of asking him what on earth I should be doing then?
Coming out now at this impossible moment and sabotaging my exams by all the conversations I will have to go through (my parents won't leave it at one conversation), or sabotaging my exams because I'm struggling with myself in silence.
His disappointing answer to my question: "You'll figure out yourself when you're ready for it" -_-
So actually all that has changed is that my psychiatrist knows, and he's referring me to you guys for help.
I really appreciate all of your reactions. Thanks guys for bringing some perspective into my situation. I've decided that I'll come out, but like I said, I don't know yet when I should. Especially since I stay at the dorm until the end of January for the exams, and only rarely see my parents during the exams.
I hope that I'll feel relieved when I've told my parents bc this is getting unliveable.

Thanks again guys, I owe you guys something.
Also thx to everyone who wrote me a PM, I'll reply as soon as possible. (writing in between the breaks I take.)

 

[rareboy]

To be blunt, I think you're using this homo outing thing as a bit of an excuse not to focus on your studies.

You were a homo a year ago. You'll be one a year from now.

What you have to do is focus on your studies and being successful in school.

It will be too easy to pass off failure in school as the result of being over anxious about coming out.

So.

Relax.

Do one thing at a time.

If you do well at school, I can guarantee you it is a lot easier to be a homo.

 

[confused01]

Though I appreciate everyone's honesty I have to admit I'm a bit shocked by your reaction rareboy.
I would never use this as an excuse not to focuse on my studies... As a matter of fact I've always been very passionate about my studies and I'm always very panicky when I fear I won't succeed. Even though no one would advise it as the best tactic, I've always chosen my studies before my health and they are very important to me, if not the only thing where I can get a little of self-worth from.
For the rest I've got very little to be proud of, and my studies will always be my priority.
Yes, I know that I was the same a year ago, and that I will be in a year, but it has been a big struggle for me to get to this point. I'm sorry if I come across a bit angry, but I'm really unhappy that I made that impression to you. I know very well why I have had this eating disorder, why I self-mutilated and why suicide often comes to mind. It's because of this self-denial, and more importantly the fact that I'm portraying myself as someone else. I've worn a mask for years interacting with every single person, even myself. I'm yearning for some real interaction; I'm longing to finally be me, I want to get rid of this wall that's always between the real me and everyone I'm talking to.
I feel so alone and misunderstood by the people around me that I wanted to end everything. And yes, in a year I will still be bisexual, but I don't know if I'll still have the guts to say it.
I've been there before: coming to the point where I've wanted to say it, and then retreated. I've been there so many times. Resulting in all self destruction instead of telling it.
And I don't know what will happen if this happens again. I don't want to make this a discussion on my credibility, but I've been very lucky one night when I nearly died of hypokalemia. In other words, it actually is possible for me to choose not to tell rather than to live.

That's why I'm a bit unhappy reading your comment. I'm seriously upset. My mind is unable to function at this time, and I'm not going to write down every dark thought that comes to my mind; but it actually makes it impossible to study at a normal speed.

Again; my apologies if this sounds a bit harsh.

Sorry, I should probably delete all of the above, because I'm just upset..
I appreciate you told me your honest feeling.
I'm just really not functioning well at this time.

 

[IllgetyouHackman]

It's just advice don't take it to heart, the really cool thing you get to decide what advice to take.

 

[tallguy297]

Congrats on talking to your psychiatrist confused... awesome step!

As for your reaction to his response theres 2 things to look at.

Firstly mate, a good shrink will always make you take your own course of action. His job is to push you if you need it, guide you and direct you if you need it and to show you options and possibilities.

My take on his response is that he thinks you are capable of dealing with this. His response sort of says he thinks you are wise enough and brave enough to figure this out. And honestly I think hes right.

What he will be doing is planting the seeds of that strength in you. He cant make you do anything, nor should he. His path wouldnt be your path, so his role is to listen to you and give you perspective. He cant solve your issues but he can help you solve them.

Second though confused, and more importantly is the extent of his reaction.

As a gay guy, we tend to let our fears and doubts overwhelm us a times. We tend to think that coming out will somehow change the world or at least the way our world is. We tend to forget that we are so much more than gay... we lose sight of the rest of ourselves - our smiles, our laugh, the way we love our families and the way they love us, the intelligence we have, the interests we have.

Coming out changes none of that... and the people in our lives who love us see that. Often they are better at seeing the bigger picture than we are... and often they are able to accept this extra facet far quicker than we can because its just an extra piece to them - not the whole puzzle like it feels to us.

His reaction isnt underwhelming... its actually pretty normal. Its the reaction of "well ok. So your gay. Good, now thats out in the open lets deal with it". And honestly mate, thats how others will react as well.

His reaction will be pretty typical of the people who love you... friends and family. They see more than the fact you are gay mate, they see someone they care about and someone whose happiness and safety is the most important thing.

And I would almost suspect there would be a sense of relief from your parents because like most they are probably very scared for you. Scared because they love you and want you well. And if this is even part of the underlying reason that you struggle at times to stay healthy then I think you'll find they could care less.

But for now... take a little time to let whats happened sink in. Take a little time to reflect on how far you came today.

You came out.

And it didnt hurt. It didnt even cause an argument or a raised voice. It didnt cause a scene or even shock someone.

Today, you became you in the eyes of someone else. And it changed nothing in their eyes.

But for you it changed everything. Its put you on a path, its given you a direction and a sense that you can get on top of this. Its given you a perspective of how easy it is to get over awed by this when perhaps you shouldnt.

And its given you the right to feel that theres a way out of this.

As for your parents... well that really is your choice. Personally I would pick up the phone. There is no right time... there is no better time or worse time. There will always be a reason to not tell them mate... its funny how we can always find an excuse... and some of us did it for years... hell decades even.

Right now this is all consuming for you. Your struggling to focus and while that may be for more than one reason, this isnt helping.

There are 2 major events in your life right now. Exams and coming out.

One you can control... the other you cant.

If you think taking the one that you can control, the one you can sort out and clear from your mind will help you settle and focus, then do it. Its as simple as that.

This is about you confused. Its about you taking charge and making things right. Its about you grabbing your life and your world and taking control.

Whatever you decide to do will be the right choice. We all make our own decisions and we all travel our own roads... just what the psychiatrist was suggesting.

Think about how you might feel if this was finally cleared away... and if that makes you smile, if that gives you hope, then now is the right time.

 

[scooter63]

Okay, so I told my psychiatrist everything.Great. That is the start to a whole new you. You told one person. That wasn't so bad. The next one will be easier. Plus your counselor needs to know everything that is causing the problems in your life if they are going to help you. Hiding important information and causes is harmful only to you and in reality a waste of time and money.
I didn't really feel relieved, but it did go easier than I thought. Basically he told me that it will take time for people to get used to it, but that everyone will have to agree with it in the end. I think that the big change in feeling for myself can only come once I'm outing to the people around me (parents, friends, fellow students,...). Exactly. People are going to have to accept you for who YOU are and for who YOU have been. It may take some time and you may lose some friends over it but if people are going to stop talking or associating with you just because you are gay, they are no friend and never have been. It is 2010 and people need to wake up.
I wouldn't say I'm happy with the way my psychiatrist reacted, but I'm not upset either. I guess I should consider that as something positive since I was expecting a worse reacion.Your counselor is a professional. What did you want him to do? He isn't your family, he is not your boyfriend, and he is not your cheerleader. If you want that kind of reaction then you will have to share your story with some one from the outside. He is going to provide you with the necessary professional support you need.
I've got to be honest though; I'm not feeling very supported by him in this. I'm feeling much more supported by you guys, and I'm not paying you guys €40 an hour. You have to have some level of trust established and you have to belief that your counselor is going to help you get better. He will do what is required but you also have to do the things that he tells you as well. It is a two way street in counseling.
He asked me if I looked up on the internet how other guys out themselves... A bit ironical that my psychiatrist himself is referring to here. I should pay you guys instead of him. I think what he is telling you here is that there is a a wealth of information out there and like any health care provider will tell you, you need to become informed and an active participant in your own health care. Rather than spend the bucco bucks going over the coming out experience and process and ways, I think what he is saying that you can go out and do some research on this topic and find what you think will work for you.
I also explained to him that I'm unable to do anything for my exams because I'm struggling so much with this that it's taking away any ability to concentrate. I also said that I don't know if it's a good idea either to come out to my parents in the middle of my exams since I should be studying instead of starting deep conversations that aren't finished in a few seconds. So I was kind of asking him what on earth I should be doing then? Only you can decide what to do. You can't be looking to others to tell you what do and when. I would second Rareboy's comment though to concentrate on your exams first and put this off until you have more time to spend with and talk with your family. You certainly don't want to bring this up and then have worries about how they are handling this while you are taking exams at school. Like your counselor said, you will know when it is right.
Coming out now at this impossible moment and sabotaging my exams by all the conversations I will have to go through (my parents won't leave it at one conversation), or sabotaging my exams because I'm struggling with myself in silence.
His disappointing answer to my question: "You'll figure out yourself when you're ready for it" -_-Exactly. Coming out is on your schedule. You will know when you are ready for it. No one else will. Not any of us on this forum or reading this forum. Only you will know when it is right for you. Some of us took a long time getting to that time, others a short time. But we all get there eventually.
So actually all that has changed is that my psychiatrist knows, and he's referring me to you guys for help.
I really appreciate all of your reactions. Thanks guys for bringing some perspective into my situation. I've decided that I'll come out, but like I said, I don't know yet when I should. Especially since I stay at the dorm until the end of January for the exams, and only rarely see my parents during the exams.
I hope that I'll feel relieved when I've told my parents bc this is getting unliveable.

Thanks again guys, I owe you guys something.
Also thx to everyone who wrote me a PM, I'll reply as soon as possible. (writing in between the breaks I take.)

You have made tremendous progress in the past 24-48 hours. You are a totally different human being right now than you were before. And as the days go by you are going to change again. You are beginning the process of allowing the real YOU to be out there. It is a hard road and we all have taken it and it is unique but there are many of the bricks paving the road that are similar. Read, learn, ask, and decide on what is right for you. Your counselor is there to help you and you need to work with him, ask him questions, bring things up to him and throw debates in your mind out to him. As time goes on he will begin to help you. At times, even in my own counseling, I thought why am I doing this. It isn't helping. But as I look back over it it was. I can see it now. At the time I couldn't. Everyone here wishes you only the best and we care about you deeply. Sometimes the advice comes across as harsh or pointed or whatever. I know Rareboy made comments on my threads and some took extreme offense to them but in a way it was like a slap across the face to a crying and babbling idiot. You have to get the persons attention before you can help them. Alwasy remember that everything said here is by non-professionals but is always given with love, care, concern, and hope.

 

[confused01]

Okay, I immediately returned to this forum because I just wanted to apologize again to rareboy; sorry. You were just giving me advice, and giving me your opinion. I'm a bit in a situation where I conclude too quickly that people don't like me and incorrectly think of them as hostile towards me.
It was not my intention to be so harsh with you; hope you'll forgive me :-/


@Tallguy:
Wow what a nice message you wrote down there... My heart's not easily soothed when I'm upset, but you're warm words really calmed me down.
I don't know you yet, but are you a psychologist yourself? A writer? If not, you should be, or at least an artist of some sorts. It's a lot of information and I'll try to remember it. It's true what you say that I'm more than just this aspect that I need to out. The thought of that comforts me.
Thanks for showing me that it's not a black and white situation. I think I won't wait too long anymore to come out to my parents, or at least to one of them. Once I've told one, there's no going back anymore so that's a bit of a safety for me that I won't come back on my decision. I received a text message from home that they might be visiting me Thursday. Maybe that would be a good opportunity.
And what you said about my parents wanting me to be happy is right too. It might sound a bit hasty that I'm doing this all at once, but I fear that I'll change my mind and don't make that final step.
Thanks so much for putting so much effort into this. I'm feeling a lot of feelings at the same time. Some bad feelings, but what's important and new, is that there's also a bit of curiosity for the future. I wonder how it would be in about 5 years when everyone in my family knows. Maybe I'd have the opportunity to really be happy without anything fake to it.

Thanks.