coming out advice needed

[jesseinldn12121]

Hi guys

I'm basically asking for advice here, since I'm at the very beginning of this process and can't really talk to anyone of the people around me.

I'm in my mid-twenties and just moved to a new city where I met someone. We met a couple of times and I think this might be going somewhere; considering that this is the first time I am doing something with a guy and not a girl, it is surprisingly relaxed, fun and I don't really care so much about the people around us, our common friends, who started talking. He is very open about his sexuality and I am considered straight by everyone.

Anyway, I feel like this could be quite easy around here, but the biggest issue is how to deal with this back home. Not trying to overthink it I think about it all the time; how to do it, when, what reactions will be like etc. I don't anticipate great reactions to be honest, I know my family and surroundings well enough. But I spent waaay to much time pleasing others and ignoring this.

So, here's where I wonder what to do: Not sure how to deal with the distance. Is coming out over the phone an option at all? Or writing a letter? I also consider flying out soon to get this over with, I don't want to wait until christmas. One of the reasons is that some people here know my family and news might spread, I'd rather talk to them first.

Coincidentally one of my best friends is coming to town this weekend; I wonder whether that would be a good first person to talk to. The problem is that I kind of had a crush on him for a while and might have showed on some level; he might interpret things differently nowadays and be creeped out!?


This is quite a long story, I'd appreciate any advice really. Thanks.

 

[Seasoned]

You seem to be in a good, safe space. That's nice. Good luck with this relationship. Here's my advice: tell the old friend when he visits; don't plan a separate trip to tell your family (they'll get really scared); tell them during your Christmas trip home, but wait until after Christmas. Remember something about advice. Take what you like and leave the rest. Wishing you the best of luck.

 

[UC3543]

I wouldn't tell them at Christmas. Send them an e-mail - that is what I did and it went rather well

 

[jesseinldn12121]

Guys, I appreciate your advice. Thank you.

I decided to tell my friend this weekend, which will be terribly scary, but I feel like its a step towards me being more myself.

So my mother and her partner (my dad died when I was younger) are visiting at the end of the month for a weekend, I though that might be a good time?! I would want to talk to my siblings at the same time, do you think I could do that over the phone after I spoke to my mom? Or is that a bad idea?

UC3543, how did you go about writing that email? I was considering writing a letter, but thought that it might be better in person. Not sure though.

Thanks for any advice. This is massively helpful right now.

 

[crowboy]

Guys, I appreciate your advice. Thank you.

I decided to tell my friend this weekend, which will be terribly scary, but I feel like its a step towards me being more myself.

So my mother and her partner (my dad died when I was younger) are visiting at the end of the month for a weekend, I though that might be a good time?! I would want to talk to my siblings at the same time, do you think I could do that over the phone after I spoke to my mom? Or is that a bad idea?

UC3543, how did you go about writing that email? I was considering writing a letter, but thought that it might be better in person. Not sure though.

Thanks for any advice. This is massively helpful right now.

I wish you well in whatever you do.

When I came to my decision to come out (last month) I wanted to tell my family first. In person was the only way to go for me. In a way however I wish I had written a letter I could have given to them as well. That way everything I wanted to say would have been said. In the moment I forgot a lot of things I thought I should say. I did not plan what to say or how to say it. I kind of just blurted it out after saying I have something to tell them. I told my brother first, then my mum and dad a few hours later after dinner at their home. Details are in my blogs from a few weeks back if you're interested.

Your plan to tell your friend sounds like a good one. Test the waters if you like. I think telling your parents when they visit is a good idea too, IF you think it is. Your plan sounds sensible to me. I can only add maybe consider writing down everything and how you feel. You may be more comfortable writing it than saying it. But telling them in person has a more respectful ring to it IMHO. I do however understand that some may not be able to, or be comfortable to do that. Each to their own.

Keep us updated in how you go. Good luck to you.

 

[tallguy297]

I decided to tell my friend this weekend, which will be terribly scary, but I feel like its a step towards me being more myself.

So my mother and her partner (my dad died when I was younger) are visiting at the end of the month for a weekend, I though that might be a good time?! I would want to talk to my siblings at the same time, do you think I could do that over the phone after I spoke to my mom? Or is that a bad idea?

Hey jesseinldn12121,

I think its a great idea to tell your friend first... and if possible I would always try to do it face to face with the people who are close to you.

It can be a scary moment, and often expressions and body language say so much more than words. In a weird way your nervousness will actually show through so the gravity of the news and its importance to you and them will show through as well.

And so will the sincerity and concern, from both parties - two very important things.

As for your mum and partner, again it sounds like a the right time to me... simply because there will never be a better time. And thats for 2 reasons... the first is that the perfect moment doesnt exist. Theres always an excuse, a reason to delay it... and that goes on for ever. So now is as good as any.

The second, and most important... is that you are safe and happy - the 2 things that parents pray for. For your mum to see you secure in this life, in a new town, being gay and with a partner, while it will be a lot to take in, she will certainly feel better knowing that you are sure, that your are happy and that your are comfortable in your own skin.

And for what its worth mate, let your mum have a few days to digest it, get it sorted in her own mind, to ask questions of you and to be as comfortable with it herself as she can before you tell your siblings. They'll understand the delay... and each time you do this, you'll get better at it. Each time will be different too but the good news is it gets easier.

Either way mate, congrats on finding your feet, feeling good about your sexuality and in preparing to take this step into being open and honest with those who love you most... its something to feel really proud of jesseinldn12121!

 

[spunk-junky]

Wanted to add my two cents that coming out over the phone can work too. It wasn't until after I had moved to a different city that I finally figured things out. At some point I decided I wanted to tell all the important people in my life. Since seeing them in person was really not an option, I called each one. Things worked out fine.

 

[jesseinldn12121]

Guys

Again, thank you so much for your advice, this is extremely helpful. I went through it carefully and I think I'm about to find a way that works for me.

I'll talk to my best friend who is coming to town today. He'll be here for the weekend, so there should be time for that. Incidentally we'll go out with all my friends tomorrow night and he will be meeting the guy I have been seeing, though I don't plan on pointing that out. I think it would be too much, we'll see.

My mom I will tell when she get's here in two weeks time, after that I'll call my sisters. You're right, flying out is not the best idea, it would put to much pressure on the issue. I want everyone to feel like this is a non-issue and break the news in a relaxed manner. I know that this is hardly possible, but I'll give it a shot. Strangely I am still quite relaxed about this, I guess this will change once I actually tell someone. On the other hand, I feel like after 10 years of lying, cheating and hurting, it's about time to face reality...

Thanks for your help, can't wait to get this started

 

[crowboy]

Guys

Strangely I am still quite relaxed about this, I guess this will change once I actually tell someone. On the other hand, I feel like after 10 years of lying, cheating and hurting, it's about time to face reality...

Thanks for your help, can't wait to get this started

This sounds extremely familiar to how I felt last month before I did the same. Afterwards I was very proud of myself for finally doing what I never thought I would. I was also pleased that it went well. However I found the afterward to be a great let down, in fact I became the most depressed I have ever felt.

I did not prepare what to say or how to say it. As a result my lack of preparation meant things I should have said and wanted to say went unsaid. I wanted to talk about things but it didn't happen. It was such a momentous thing for me, but not for others. I had little support and found the afterwards very hard. If it wasn't for the support here I don't know how I would have managed.

If I may offer some advice from all that. Be prepared in what to say. You can not predict how others will react but you can be prepared for a number of scenarios. And be prepared in how to turn the conversation around to how you want it to go. Know what you want to say and how you will react and what you will say to different reactions.

For some reason though I think it will go well for you. You seem to be an intelligent fellow who is taking a sensible approach to this and that is a good start. What ever happens I wish you well and I want you to know we (JUB) will be here if you need us.

Good luck mate.

 

[jesseinldn12121]

So I told my best friend last night. The first thing he said was that our friendship would not be affected by this at all. He was very supportive and cool, though obviously he is massively surprised and needs to digest this. We got very drunk and met some other people afterwards, that might have smoothed things a bit.

Today we kept talking about it, again, he was being very supportive, interested and tells me I should be proud of having the courage to stand up and do this. I am really glad it all went well and I feel like there is a good chance our friendship won't change.

One down I guess, the next one is a tough one though: family. This will have to wait for two weeks until they come to town, so I'll deal with this one step at a time.

Crowboy: I think yesterday went very well and I had a chance to say everything, can you give me an example of what you wanted to say but didn't get a chance to say it?

 

[crowboy]

So I told my best friend last night. The first thing he said was that our friendship would not be affected by this at all. He was very supportive and cool, though obviously he is massively surprised and needs to digest this. We got very drunk and met some other people afterwards, that might have smoothed things a bit.

Today we kept talking about it, again, he was being very supportive, interested and tells me I should be proud of having the courage to stand up and do this. I am really glad it all went well and I feel like there is a good chance our friendship won't change.

Yay for you. Glad it went well.

One down I guess, the next one is a tough one though: family. This will have to wait for two weeks until they come to town, so I'll deal with this one step at a time.

Good luck with that.

Crowboy: I think yesterday went very well and I had a chance to say everything, can you give me an example of what you wanted to say but didn't get a chance to say it?

When I think back, it's almost like I didn't say much at the time at all.

What I didn't fully explain is that even though I have known for like 20 years I could not accept it or deny it and as a result I made the decision that I would be alone and unhappy for the rest of my life. I have lived with that for the last 20 years.

I didn't ask them why they had guessed. Even though I figured they had.

I didn't say that if they had any questions to please ask.

What I have thought about now later is that people have preconceived ideas about what gay is. I didn't ask them what they thought about it. I don't want them to think I am going around having sex in mens toilets with any dick poked through a glory hole. That just isn't me. I suspect they don't think that but as I haven't talked about it I don't know.

I guess what I had hoped is that they would ask questions. As it was a bolt out of the blue they didn't, time to process is required. As I was unprepared in what to say I also didn't ask open questions of them to get them to talk or tell me what they thought.

Now I look back at something I said to my brother when I told him. After telling him I was gay and he said nothing, I said do you care? What sort of answer are you going to get with that question??? I should have said what do you think? Or something like that.

If there is a piece of advice I can offer it is to ask open questions. Questions to enable conversation. Not closed questions, yes/no doesn't go far.

I wish you well.

 

[jesseinldn12121]

hey guys

i just wanted to update this for everyone who was/is in a similar situation. for some reason i decided to speed up this process, partly because i am in my mid-twenties and realized that this was the only way to finally be happy, partly because i met someone who is out and i want to see where this might be going.

so i was somewhat open about this at uni, the people who i hang out with know and are very relaxed about this. it is treated as a non-issue and people who know about that guy and me treat it like any affair/hook-up/whatever between classmates, which obviously occurs frequently in a masters program.

the main issue for me, leaving my best friend aside, was clearly my family. i'm from a very conservative background, a family where representation and the image one presents are quite important. or so i thought. within one weekend i talked to everyone, i sent out an email (announced over the phone), talked to my siblings and got some amazing reactions. i truly did not expect this.

it wasn't a non-issue, clearly they have to get used to it. but i was repeatedly assured that nothing will change and that i'll be supported all the way. now i'm taking a break and will only tell close friends if i see them anyway, which won't happen until christmas.

again, i'm only writing this down for those guys going through this. it's worth it. it's scary as hell, took me many years, but then within a week it was all over. i was so surprised and moved by the outcome. give it a shoot, you will feel a lot better.

take care

 

[spunk-junky]

Congratulations! I am really proud of you and I am glad the reactions you got were positive. Although scary as hell, it was the best gift you could have given yourself. Honestly, straight people have no idea how easy they have it!

 

[ariesstar89]

Its good to see that you had success with being able to get this all out of the way and in a such a short amount of time. I've been trying to gather up courage to come out to my at least my Mom for about 2 years now, and really want to be able to do it.

Being off at college its easy to let myself be whoever I want to be, and easy to be true to yourself when no one around really has any other preconceived notions or thoughts about you, but I do have to be careful at the college I'm at since I do have friends from high school and bout 3 family members that currently go here too. But getting back to my mom, I really wanted to tell her as soon as I could, but I'm scared about the whole financial dependence being in question since I only have one year left until I am done with school and then I would have no other reason to hide it.

I'm just ready to get it out in the open, I'm ready to finally have that last secret out of the way from her and not have to worry all the time about it when I am around her: worrying if something I might let slip or about anything that she may ask. I'm just ready to be able to float down the river without worrying if my doughnut float will get caught on any rocks

 

[jesseinldn12121]

good luck ariesstar. once you've done it, you'll be so relieved!