Coming Out Advice (The 'guilt')

[hunterpluto]

Hey all, I very rarely post here, but do use the site for other reasons, haha!

But basically, I've finally admitted to myself that I am gay, or rather, feel comfortable enough with it that I can start to tell people and stop LYING. To others and myself.

I worked up the 'courage' to tell one of my best friends (a girl) while I was pretty drunk and she was a-ok/v. positive, which I expected anyway. Not proud that I had to be drunk to do it, but hey, it's done.

However, in our good friend group, there's 4 of us, her and 3 guys. The other two guys are straight.

I'm..having trouble in coming out to them. I don't think I'll be rejected (they aren't homophobic or anything, and one jokes -in a friendly, non-malicious way- about me being 'gay' anyway, though i'm unsure how he'd feel were I actually), but it's the GUILT I have of having lied to them for so long. It's this GUILT that is really dragging me down, and I spent basically an afternoon full of IDEAL (well, still would have been awkward to suddenly blurt it out but yeah) moments to bring it up with one of my straight friends, and in the end couldn't do it.

I'm scared that they'll see me differently, or suddenly feel like they'd have to reassess our friendship, going over moments thinking 'Oh shit did he do/say that cause he fancies me?" or whatever...they aren't ignorant by any means, but they're human. :/ I'm burdened by the guilt of having lied to everyone and I'm so scared that it'll damage or change my relationship with them. I love these guys (platonically - I don't have an ounce of sexual interest in them, that much is true) and can't bear the idea that it would strain our relationship. And i can't help but think it would.

I know that in coming out friendships might change, but...I'm living with these 4 next year (currently in University living situations all seperately) in a flat. I'm worried that one or both guys might...Idk..not take it well. Or secretly not be ok with it. The thing is, I haven't acted any differently in an attempt to 'hide it' or anything, I'm just not very camp or anything. I worry they might think I lied about who I was and acted differently, or that I'll act differently now.

Argh. I've internalised my feelings of my own sexuality for years an years so it's good I'm finally 'getting it out' I suppose, though I'm hardly doing in a very positive way.

Anyway, after my friend left today and I DIDN'T come out to him (and after I slammed a few doors in frustration) I sent him a stupid emo cryptic text about needing to talk tomorrow. So I'm gonna do it tomorrow.

I was just wondering if anyone had any...advice from being in similar situation? Or tips for getting over it. I know I shouldn't feel guilty as it's MY life but I do...

 

[anchihiro]

Hey, i know what you mean in feeling guilty that you think you've been lying to other people.

But the truth is that you shouldn't feel that way at all. It's not your fault society makes gay people afraid to come out. If they are your friends they'll realise about your internal struggle not that it was some form of betrayal.
But in moving forward with your life its best you tell them now before you move in with them.
If they dont accept it, then you will have had a lucky escape. But chances are they'll be fine and you can finally be free to be yourself around them instead of mentally holding your breath. Good luck. x

 

[altlover85]

Hey, i know what you mean in feeling guilty that you think you've been lying to other people.

But the truth is that you shouldn't feel that way at all. It's not your fault society makes gay people afraid to come out. If they are your friends they'll realise about your internal struggle not that it was some form of betrayal.
But in moving forward with your life its best you tell them now before you move in with them.
If they dont accept it, then you will have had a lucky escape. But chances are they'll be fine and you can finally be free to be yourself around them instead of mentally holding your breath. Good luck. x

Excellent advice!

I just want to add that you don't control other people's reactions, so try not to take it personally if someone does react in a negative way. Their reactions are more about them than you.

Good luck!

 

[Seasoned]

It's society that's fucked with you, not the other way around. Your friends sound great and a lot of college kids think it's cool that they know and are accepting of all kinds of people. That's how your friends sound.

Any good friend ought to be able to understand that a lot of gays have difficulty coming out and that it's a process that begins with self acceptance.

I think it's great that you do not have a history of crushing on these guys. My guess is they'll act like loving brothers and won't let anyone fuck with you. That is my hope.

No guilt buddy, ok? You may wish you had told them as soon as you knew and could even tell them that, but you have a responsibility to sort it out in your own mind.

Straight people have the luxury of maturing into the sexual orientation that's expected. Remember we are a normal minority and come in all kinds of packages with all kinds of behaviors.

Relax and let you friends show you why you're friends.

 

[KaraBulut]

Analysis paralysis. You're over-analyzing the situation and creating all sorts of complications that aren't necessary.

If this is the first time you've had to apologize for lying or deceiving friends, you're lucky.

Take your friends aside. Tell them that you have something you want to tell them and that you're sorry that you haven't been honest with them until now. Make it clear that you're not telling them because you're interested in them romantically, but instead you're telling them because you don't want to lie about it anymore.

And then get on with the rest of your life.

 

[dhchitown1984]

Hunter: Congratulations! You've told someone... the first person is the hardest one to tell!

You definitely can't feel guilty about the fact that society raised us to believe that telling the truth about who we are as gay guys is a bad thing. And I agree with whats already been said... other people's reactions are their reactions, and not yours.

You will be much happier going into your new living situation knowing that you've put all the cards on the table from the get go. There'll be no need to fear dating someone and being fearful of bringing a guy home and then having to explain it. You will be much better off!

Best of luck, and keep us posted! We're eager to hear how it goes and help you through any rough patches!

 

[hunterpluto]

Hey, thanks for all your responses.

So told one of the guys, spent a good few minutes dilly-dallying around the point nervously (just HOW to say it correctly)..but I did and he was (as I hoped/should have known he would be) completely fine. As in, not a change in mood, attitude, anything. It was perfect actually. Just asked a few questions (he was told I was bi by someone) and told me about his gay friends but was SO normal about it. I almost wanted MORE of a reaction haha! But clearly a brilliant first proper coming out (I don't count my drunken one...this time i was stone cold sober ).

The other guy I need to tell I haven't done so yet due to completely annoying schedules - I'm now away from University and him for a good few months - but am seeing him in August, so will do it then.

But yeah - it was pretty much perfect.

 

[ArmorFallingDown]

Really happy everything worked out for you! Congrats!

 

[altlover85]

Congrats hunterpluto!