coming out advice?

[procrastinator]

So basically I've just turned 19, and have struggled with my sexuality for a large portion of my teenage life. At school I was bullied as the kid that everyone thought was gay - but I'd always reject it because at the time I wasn't ready to come out, building up this big lie of being straight and getting girlfriends etc.

The fact that I never got to have time to accept my sexuality by myself without any outside input, has really affected and confused me on whether or not I was gay or bi for a long tine. All through this process I was reinforcing the idea that I was straight to everyone, friends and family which brings me to my problem.

I think that I'm ready to come out now, as I'm sick of lying and would like to see who I truly am as I feel like my being in the closet has affected a number of even my smallest descisions. However at the same time this illusion I've created is making it extremely hard on me, as I feel like I'd be letting the people down who have defended me throughout the years, the girlfriends I said I liked etc.

In terms of family and friends, I think I'd be accepted and honestly they probably already know. I don't even really know what I'm expecting to get from this post but it feels good to write my feelings down - and any advice or anecdotes would be greatly appreciated.

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

Welcome to JUB! I feel ya dude. I struggled and denied my feelings through high school. I never had a girlfriend, but I was around girls all the time, and most people saw me as a "pimp." I convinced everyone I was just as straight as any other guy and they all believed me, although I had internal conflict. I pushed everyone away and had a wall up with even the people that were supposed to be closest to me. I was hurting those relationships and driving myself crazy by keeping this secret and not being able to be myself.

Just last year, at 19, I came out and haven't looked back. My family and best friends had no idea, but when I told them they accepted and supported me. I empathize; it feels strange to come out and tell them that you have been living a lie, and that you have lied about yourself to them, but if you are certain that your family and best friends will accept and love you, then they will understand how hard it has been for you, and they should see the courage it took for you to come out. Also they will should see that by you coming out to them, it shows how important they are to you. Don't feel like they will be mad for the deception, they will understand.

So before you come out, make sure you are absolutely sure and comfortable with your circumstances. If need be, seek out an LGBT group like a gay-straight alliance. If you're in college, your campus should have one. Build a support network of family and friends, they are one of your greatest assets. Also, educate yourself. Do some internet research on coming out and the LGBT community. Wikipedia is always a good go-to source. Read coming out stories on this forum, they provide SO many perspectives and experiences. When you come out, do it in a way that is comfortable for you. Some like to write letters, others have conversations, others go to Facebook and change their interested in from "Women" to "Men" and it's done in a minute. For me, I told family first, then best friends, then I was out to the world (well, the real world, not the Internet, haha). Whatever works for you. This is your experience and you choose what to do with it, so it's best to make it positive.

Keep us posted! and if you need any thing you can PM me. I wish you the best!

 

[racer2438]

You should what makes you feel right to you and no one else. Only you know when the time is right. Life is to short to live in fear. Being yourself will make you a much more happier person inside/out. wish you luck..

 

[Rolyo85]

You won't be letting anyone down. You don't owe anyone any consideration on this account - you would not be in this situation if your environment hadn't forced you to.

Either way, you should just go ahead and do it. And then start exploring yourself (and others ).

 

[bort138]

Accepting who you are and being yourself will never let anyone down. If you feel that your family and friends will be accepting, I would go ahead and come out. As others have said you will be much happier when you can start living your life the way want. Good luck!

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB. I know the point of your post. All of us, no matter our age, who have come out realize the importance of "family." Although we wouldn't all get along or even like each other, we all understand each other on this basic issue. Coming out gives a person emotional freedom. Society is heterosexist and "group think" is all about conformity. I find that the most difficult thing about being gay is the coming out to oneself process. It's done in one's mind, often in fear and doubt. That burden alone makes us "family."

Gay is the other normal and the Western world has been coming around to this view since the beginnings of the gay rights movement. Being out is the basis for this. Most people do not turn their backs on friends and loved ones. elGeniuoso1721 is your age and would be a good guy to pm. I'm always available as would be most anyone here. Realize immediately that you're not alone. Great relief and great times are ahead. Best wishes.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

Even if most people don't truly understand what's involved internally with "coming out", the fact is - most of them seem to grasp the fundamental idea that it's not easy. That it's not somebody sort of "noticing" they're gay, and then rushing out to buy the rainbow sticker for the car. This is especially true if they've known somebody for some time, and noticed any avoidance and uncomfortableness that often accompanies someone living in the closet. When these people finally come out, they very rarely get any accusations of "why didn't you tell me?" And that's partially because the coming-outs tend not to be "casual". They tend to tell their family and friends with something like hand-wringing and "this is really difficult for me." And it's sort of human nature not to respond to that with "yeah, yeah, but what about *my* needs?" It's probable that you'll get a few people saying something along the lines of "Just know that you can always tell me anything", but just keep in mind that this isn't an indictment - this is a statement of support.

Lex

 

[palbert]

Welcome to JUB> Excellent advice above. If you think it will help start telling people who can't do anything - doctor, dentist, teller, etc - that you're gay. Makes it easier to say along the way.

 

[Lube]

Hey, if you think it's bad at 19 to tell everyone that you've been living a lie... imagine being married to a woman for 10, 20, or 30 years and then coming out! I've done it and so have millions of other guys.

So you've got it easy.

Of course you don't exactly have it easy, but I'm sure you can do it. You sound like you're ready. And you really need to be ready.

It doesn't hurt, and everyone heaves a giant sigh of relief after its all over.

Good luck and hugs!

 

[devildog]

In terms of family and friends, I think I'd be accepted and honestly they probably already know.

I quote that line. No disrespect to the rest of your story intended. Just for clarity of my response. Coming out is something you do to family and friends in the first place. Others - acquaintances - will hear it or not. But don't mind them. You could start with a friend, or a best friend. See how that goes.

 

[procrastinator]

Thanks for the advice guys, its always nice to get peoples opinions when they've been through the same thing. I guess I'm worrying to much about other people and not myself.

I think I'm going to try pluck up the courage and do it in a few weeks after I've finished my exams just in case there are any hickups haha. Still not sure how to go about doing it though cos I hate awkward situations - but then I guess no one likes them really.

I've read some of the posts on here but I still can't decide!

 

[Seasoned]

Feel free to pm people. Good luck!

 

[procrastinator]

just came out to my mam she was completely fine with it, just worried about the prejudice and things!

didnt get a massive weight off my shoulders though, think i need to tell more people

 

[ibill1]

Good for you. Keep the ball rolling if you feel good about it. Once you get comfortable saying who you are, you'll find most will be too.

 

[bananagoof]

You won't be letting anyone down. You don't owe anyone any consideration on this account - you would not be in this situation if your environment hadn't forced you to.

This is a really important statement. Maybe in 80 years, when more barriers are broken down and our hope of having an equal society is realized, kids who feel gay won't have any fears or shame about embracing it. Maybe schools will even be teaching total tolerance by that point, and it'll just be some ordinary fact of life.

Glad to hear your mother was good about it. As for everyone else - friends, random people - never forget that being proud of who you are doesn't mean you owe people explanations. Discuss it when you feel comfortable, and never hesitate to ignore folks who just want to pry into your life.

As for those people in your past, the ones who had you feeling like had to keep up appearances...forget them. In a few years, you'll be off establishing a new life with new people, and the High School crowd will be a memory. Besides, nobody in High School is really sure of who they are. They were all guessing, lying and pretending to a certain extent.