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Coming out advice

C

CountryBiy86

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I have one older brother who is also gay and not out. We are not close at all and we both know of eachothers sexuality and never spoke about it.
Im planning to come out this summer because i have met a wonderful man and want to futher advance our relationship by coming out.
Anyway, heres the story...
My brother is one year older and has always been the black sheep of our entire family including cousins. My parents favoured me during childhood and i basically got the good genes. I think my brother is jealous and hates me because of that. Because i was always the centre of attention. Everyone liked me better and i did everything better. He barely had friends, a social life, nothing! Im sorry! So my conclusion is that he accumulated some psychological problems during our childhood that caused him this way. I blame is partially on my parents for neglecting him in some way and partially on him for not making the effort. Ive always felt like the more mature one. This may sound conceited, but im trying to help you understand this situation. Its more complicated than it sounds.
So were 26 and 27 of age now and our relationship is still horrible. But for past couple years i have been trying to be nice to him, but still no solid communication. I've also been encouraging my parents to pay more attention to him. Now that ive moved 3 hours away for the past 2 years i think he's finally getting attention he needs and i notice improvment. I think me not being around is the best thing for him.
So heres my dilemna,
Im ready to come out of the closet. My brother, i think, is far from that. I don't want to steal all the attention from him again. He's getting better right now and i dont want to ruin anything.
Another dilemna,
My parents think my brother is gay and even asked me if i thought he was too. So if i came out it would be a huge surprise to the family. 2 gay kids in the family? My parents would be thinking no grandkids and wil break their hearts. Little do they know...
Another dilemna,
Bringing my bf home to meet my gay brother who hates me.

Basically, the only thing stopping me from coming out is my closeted gay brother. Deep down, i really want him to be happy but i think he needs some serious help.

What do i do?
 
There's a simple adage that I try to remember which is, "if it's goog for you, it's good for the relationship." And that can imply any relationship. The key word in that adage is good. It's to be taken as in healthy in the long term.

The only person you have control of is you. Your brother is his own person on his own path. What might be beneficial to both of you is if you came out to him directly and introduced him to your boyfriend.
 
I know you said you have no solid communication with him, but is there any way to get the message to him about what you want to do so that he at least has the chance to provide some feedback. If he asked you to delay telling your family, would you?
 
or perhaps seeing you come out, and seeing your parents accept you, will cause your brother to feel more accepted and less nervous about his own sexuality. increasing his confidence and mindset.
and as for your parents, sexuality is formed in the womb. if your mom has an issue with not having grandkids (at least not genetically related ones, adoption is a possibility for her to cling to), she can take it up with her uterus. :)
 
Seasoned said:
There's a simple adage that I try to remember which is, "if it's goog for you, it's good for the relationship." And that can imply any relationship. The key word in that adage is good. It's to be taken as in healthy in the long term.

The only person you have control of is you. Your brother is his own person on his own path. What might be beneficial to both of you is if you came out to him directly and introduced him to your boyfriend.
Click to expand...

me coming out to him directly is not gonna happen, we dont communicate that way. our communication is like... only if we have to.

- - - Updated - - -

sixthson said:
I know you said you have no solid communication with him, but is there any way to get the message to him about what you want to do so that he at least has the chance to provide some feedback. If he asked you to delay telling your family, would you?
Click to expand...

if he asked me then i probably would but i don't see us having that conversation.
 
njcollegekid said:
or perhaps seeing you come out, and seeing your parents accept you, will cause your brother to feel more accepted and less nervous about his own sexuality. increasing his confidence and mindset.
and as for your parents, sexuality is formed in the womb. if your mom has an issue with not having grandkids (at least not genetically related ones, adoption is a possibility for her to cling to), she can take it up with her uterus. :)
Click to expand...

that soudns like a good idea but i also dont want to make him feel pressured.
 
CountryBiy86 said:
that soudns like a good idea but i also dont want to make him feel pressured.
Click to expand...

I don't think he will be pressured. He'll get a first hand experience of how his parents will react to him coming out. In my opinion you'll be making it a lot easier on him in the future. He can still choose to stay in closet but at least he'll know from your parents reaction to you who they will more then likely handle his coming out.
 
I doubt your parents would be terribly upset about the grandchildren issue. Female relatives of gay guys tend to be more prolific child-bearers and are less susceptible to maternal illnesses, so it's just a sign that she has a sister or cousin somewhere out there who is busy raising a small army. If anything, gay children ought to be taken as a good omen.

If they were to insist on grandchildren, though, I would make them pay for the surrogate. Actually, there are numerous ways of sorting out fertility issues. For example, one of your guy's female relatives could serve as an egg donor, and your mother could serve as a surrogate if it's that important to her. It's been done. The science gives you a whole laundry list of options. One thing you don't have to worry about is being able to produce offspring. It just costs you more.

Anyway, the brother is your real source of confusion. Don't worry about your brother. He's a big boy, and he can take care of himself.
 
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