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Coming Out after LTR with a girl

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ruivinho

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I've been in a relationship with a girl for almost 4 years. We eventually (very recently) broke up because i've come to (fully) realise that i'm gay. [She's already aware of this for some time, i'll spare the details of this story as it is not very relevant at the moment.]

The thing is, we hit off very well, and, because of that, everyone around me expected us to eventually marry.

So i want to tell my family that we broke up, and eventually that i'm gay. But, everyone will be shocked that we broke up, since that won't see an apparent reason. Thus, the only way to make them understand would be if i told them the true reason: i'm gay.

Right now, I'm concerning especially with my mother, whom i WANT to tell both things, though i fear it'll come as a shock, since she imagined my future with said girl, and it'll be confusing that i'm gay, for i was with a girl for 4 years.

I think it is important to notice that my family will not reject me or think i'm possessed or anything of the like, but of course it will be surprinsing, especially because i've been with a girls for so long. (Otherwise, i don't think it would've come as a shock..)

My question is: should i say both things, that i broke up with her and why, or give some time in between?

I'd apreciate any feedback, i tried to keep it short so it is readable, but if you want to know anything else please ask...
 
I would do it both together. The fact that you're gay explains the other thing too, and otherwise you'd have to lie to answer their questions.

What I recommend is, try and make a list of potential questions, and think up good answers. Like "are you sure you're gay?" or "How come you were with a girl then?' (here would be a good place to explain the Kinsey scale and the fact that sexuality is not black and white, but that even so, you definitely prefer boys and can't be happy with a girl) and the like. Being able to calmly answer these questions will help your family get through the shock and potential disappointment.

You are doing the right thing. If you believe your family will accept you, you shouldn't worry too much about their initial reaction. Those come and go.
 
I would explain both things together.
 
I think I'd tell them that over time I realized I was gay and explained things to my girlfriend, that we broke up and that's she's supportive (if, in fact, she is).

Good luck. Best wishes.

I had the same story, except I was married to a woman for 14 years and had a 6 yr old and a 1 year old when I came out. I'm glad you didn't take it that far.
 
Thanks guys!
I followed your advice:
Just told my mom, she was obviously surprised but ok with it :)
For now, she didn't ask a lot of questions, except "are you sure" and i explained her everything, and how i was absolutely sure, and how it was possible to have sex with a girl even so etc etc

I want to tell my siblings and my father, i guess i'm going to tell my sister first, because both my brothers and my father are living far away, and i would rather tell them in person...

The only person i fear is my eldest brother, but my mom said i should only tell him whenever it is inevitable, and honestly, that is what i was thinking about doing, since he and his spouse are more conservative and would have a very hard time understanding...

I have no idea how my father will react, i expect not as bad as my eldest brother, but not as good as my mother...

Now that i've told my mother, i feel kinda scared of what awaits me, she made me realise that she was ok with it because she is my mother, and in the end just wants me to be happy, but my siblings may have a harder time understanding, even though they won't reject me...

Anyway, it will be hard to tell my sister now, especially because it is hard to get her attention alone, since she has a little baby (one month old)...But eventually she'll realise that i'm not in a relationship anymore, and i would like to tell her why.

My mom said that i don't need to tell my siblings why we broke up, and that i can tell them this later. Plus, when i do, that i've discovered recently instead of the true story. But i don't know if i want to do that, and i don't want my sexuality to be a taboo issue in my (closest) family....

Once again thanks for the feedback, :)
 
It's good your mom took it so well. It's even better you now have her to help you out with advice. If you think things might not go well, you could always see if she would be there when you break the news.

Either way, good luck!
 
I would not listen to your mother. She loves you and cares about you, but in this particular issue she has no idea what she is talking about. Parents' instinctive response to their child coming out is to try and get him to keep it discreet. You should not do that, and you shouldn't fear rejection. There was no reason to not tell your mom why you broke up with your gf right away, and there isn't one to do it with anyone else.
 
Congratulations. I'm happy for you that it went well. Follow your instincts with the rest of your family. Don't be afraid. Be matter of fact. Good luck!
 
hi Ruivinho,

Good to hear that you have told your mother the real reason why you broke up with your ex-girlfriend, and excellent that she took the news very well. Great man, your mother really cares about you.

I agree with others that you should not be too afraid to tell the rest of your family that you are gay. But take your time and follow your instincts. Maybe, who knows, you will soon have some gay friends / aquaintances, and such friendships can also be an easy way to let your family (and or the rest of the world) know that you are gay.

Your are totally right that its not good to hide to the rest of your family that you prefer guys. Easiest solution is having a boyfriend, and start talking about him. taking him with you to various family-meetings (etc.). Same like straight guys do when they get a girlfriend.

Good luck, please keep us informed and feel free to ask additional questions.

Take care.
 
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