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Coming Out and Friendships

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kyguy1133

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As I am still trying to get through my coming out process I have yet to actually tell any of my friends that I am gay, I am 25 and many people would not assume I am gay. So when I look at my each of my friendships past and present, they all are very hard for me to fully commit or feel comfortable in due to the fact that I am not out. In many of them I do not think that they would accept the fact that I am gay and that makes me feel if I do come to the point to tell them I will lose them as friends. Have any of you guys felt like this or feel like this now?
 
Sorry - tough spot ......... Went thru a similar thing

IF your friends do not accept u it is on them

A good (or so I thought) friend who I thought would be very supportive was not - we are no longer associated - bummed me at first

BUT

The crux of the problem was that I did not accept myself then

Once I did it did not matter what they thought

Believe in yourself - and others are more likely to - and if they don't they're not worth your concern

Hang in

It will get better
 
Kept most of my female friends when I came out, but over time, as we all got older, more mature, finding that many of my male classmates are much friendlier at my class reunions. Maybe it's because I have usually been in a gay relationship and they are secure in their hetero couplings, so I am no longer a threat to anyone. Also, some of my straight friends now have gay children!!!
 
chance1 said:
Sorry - tough spot ......... Went thru a similar thing

IF your friends do not accept u it is on them

A good (or so I thought) friend who I thought would be very supportive was not - we are no longer associated - bummed me at first

BUT

The crux of the problem was that I did not accept myself then

Once I did it did not matter what they thought

Believe in yourself - and others are more likely to - and if they don't they're not worth your concern

Hang in

It will get better
Click to expand...

Great advice.

I've experienced similar. end of the day you have to be accepting of yourself before others.
 
kyguy, you're probably not going to like what I have to say; but often, the fears you have right now are justified. You have to prepare yourself for the possibility that you will lose people that you considered friends when you come out. You can never really judge how someone is going to take the news. Some of the nicest people have been brought up in the most ignorant environments, and some of what they've been taught often resonates.When I came out, I lost most of my friends. In conjunction with many other things, it was probably the worst time of my life.

Recently, an old friend I haven't seen in years got word of my coming out, and he reached out to me. We had lunch and coffee yesterday, and I felt more comfortable and liberated conversing with him than I have with anyone in a long time. For the first time since coming out, I didn't think about how depressed I was about my friends ostracizing me, I just thought about how happy I was to be openly gay, and to feel comfortable about it, and accepted for it.

My coming out ended up rekindling a friendship far greater than all of those I lost combined, and it feels great.

It sucks to find out people aren't truly friends, but when someone reaches out and shows to you that they are, it's an amazing feeling. That feeling alone has made coming out worth it for me, and I'm sure there's even more great surprises to come ..| I can't wait.

I hope this helps :kiss:
 
I personally feel that coming out has strengthened my friendships. I've come out to about 30 or more people that I see regularly, and only one or two relationships dwindled. In the end it didn't matter too much, because those would be the ones that would wane anyway once I left for college.
So, as usual, prepare yourself for the worst while hoping for the best.
 
Chance and Anders, and all you other guys thanks for your input. This is a very tough time for me as I have accepted the fact that im am gay but dont really know the point in telling my friends and other people around me. and i feel that if i am going to be happy I must let them know. I am also tired of being the extra person when going out with them and their partners
 
I and probably most other guys focused on what we might lose by coming out but didn't realise that there is a whole new world full of people out there ready to embrace you for who you are. Make contact with that world, join a gay social group of any kind and go out and meet new people and be yourself. Once you have found a new life and developed and found self acceptance and acceptance of you from other people, coming out won't seem half as bad and you won't have all the hang ups you have now. Stop being the extra guy by developing your own life.
 
kyguy1133 said:
Chance and Anders, and all you other guys thanks for your input. This is a very tough time for me as I have accepted the fact that im am gay but dont really know the point in telling my friends and other people around me. and i feel that if i am going to be happy I must let them know. I am also tired of being the extra person when going out with them and their partners
Click to expand...

1. I guarantee you at least a couple of them have discussed the possibility you're gay. We're NEVER as sneaky as we think we are.

2. Admitting to yourself that you're gay is NOT the same thing as accepting it. Coming out is a process, it takes time, usually years. Hang in there.

It took years to put all that phobic bullshit into our heads, it takes time to pull it out. Telling your friends an family does one, very important thing. It allows you to stop living in fear of being found out, and allows you to stop spending all that mental and emotional energy on the big lie. You don't yet have any idea how liberating that is - no matter how your friends react.

3. Every gay man in here is where you are, or has been through what you're going through. It can be done, you're not the first, you won't be the last, what you're feeling is normal.
 
trikky said:
I and probably most other guys focused on what we might lose by coming out but didn't realise that there is a whole new world full of people out there ready to embrace you for who you are. Make contact with that world, join a gay social group of any kind and go out and meet new people and be yourself. Once you have found a new life and developed and found self acceptance and acceptance of you from other people, coming out won't seem half as bad and you won't have all the hang ups you have now. Stop being the extra guy by developing your own life.
Click to expand...

This is really good advice.
 
I had this problem until recently, but it wasn't until about two years ago that I made any friends anyway, and I pretty much cherry-picked them out of a bunch of morons. I eventually told them all about my orientation, and none of them have abandoned me - in fact, it strengthened the friendships. One of them already had a gay friend!

If you have "friends" that cannot accept you for who you are, then are they really friends? Think carefully about that - it may be hard, but some relationships just aren't meant to be.
 
I don't think it will be as bad as you make it to be. My therapist echos some other advice here. Don't come out for the sake of coming out, but rather when you've accepted it and you believe in yourself.

I was scared of losing what few friends I had. But I finally made up my mind that a true friend would accept you unconditionally. I wish you luck.
 
I've begun to come out, though some of my friends were already aware due to their gossipy nature. For those who had found out through the grapevine (not necessarily the gossipers but the "unfortunate recipients"), I discussed what it meant for me and my hope that they could be supportive. I have received various levels of support, and was even told by one that she admired me for my courage to search for self-identity.

Those who seemed less supportive aren't sure how to respond, although they are very happy that I shared with them this aspect of my life. They support me 100%, but they aren't sure how to show it. That's perfectly fine; they're my friends and will be there for me when I need them, just as I am there for them.
 
It really is all about tone. The key is to be as matter of fact and unapologetic except to any female you may have led on. She deserves an apology and you explain how scaredvyou were but how it still didn't give you the right to misrepresent yourself. No one else deserves or should expect that kind of detail.
 
I still have not made any progress yet, but your guys opinions and thoughts help so much, I have accepted that I am gay but I just finding the timing and moment to let some of them know. I also feel that the fact that i have not told my dad yet is somewhat preventing me from going to that step.
 
I have found that the best thing is to just live as you want to and be yourself. You don't have to necessarily sit people down and tell them. Just start living as you want to and develop your life and eventually the penny will drop with people and some will ask and you will tell who you want to tell when the time is right, but if you have spent your life repressed then you have lived your life for other people. Start living life for you and the rest will fall into place. I know, that was my story too.
 
I know exactly what you're saying kyguy. I felt exactly as you do, and still do in some cases.

I am out to everyone important to me, and it was a long process. I also, though, have some acquaintances to this day that I'm not out to, and probably won't be out to, and that's OK. There are many reasons why I've chosen not to come out to them, but mostly it's because it doesn't matter whether they know or not because, in the larger scheme of my life, they aren't central to it.

Anyway, I long ago gave up the idea that I had to be out to everyone past and present. Once I released myself from that "obligation" I was able to clear my mind and concentrate on who was important and nurture the friendships and relationships that were genuine to me important to me. The others...I kind of spun off to a B-level (or C-level lol).

Lastly, I never lost a friend by coming out. In fact, in several cases, the friendship became closer and perhaps that was because of a new level of honesty. But, then again, I chose my friends carefully and considered them good people for a reason. The others, like high school buddies and others in my past, that I felt would be negatively judgmental--I just spun them off. Once I came out to myself, it was time for me to move on and redefine myself the way I wanted. And, part of that meant redefining my friendships and relationships and how I wanted to interact with those closest to me.

Sorry this is so long-winded, but it's complicated and there's no set path for everyone. Good luck!
 
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