Coming out - But my problem is different

[Trinity89]

Hi,

Edit: First of all, I'm 23.

I see the coming out to best friends stories everywhere, but never is the question asked in my way. I've already come out to my parents and sister and her (now) ex boyfriend that's also an important person in my life and a very great friend of mine. That issue is over with at least. Phew.

I believe my best mate should know about me as well, because the longer I wait the more difficult it becomes again.

Now we have been friends since primary school, but he is quite homophobic to a certain extent. I am afraid if I tell him, and he's shocked or something, he might go loose cannons and tell other people. I know he will eventually accept it, but I don't want the story to spread yet.

Any advice for me?
Thanks,
Carlo

 

[yannes]

Well I´m not really sure how helpfull my advise is , since I never encountered a homophobic person in my life (belgium is pretty open minded)

However, for me it would be more important to be accepted for who I am by my friends. If he truly is a friend, he would respect your wish and keep it for himself, even if he would at first be shocked by the news. So I would just tell him about it, because as you say, to longer you wait the more difficult it gets.

this is easier to say then to act upon it though, so good luck!

 

[justanothershyguy]

First, I want to say congratulations and that you're off to a great start.

With your best friend, if he really is your best friend, he will accept you. If he doesn't, then as much as it's going to suck to admit to yourself, then he's not. He's not only not your best mate, he's not even a true friend if he doesn't like you anymore.

The concern about him telling people about you is only a concern because you're in the closet. Think about it this way: the people who should know first already know. If he's going to drag you out of the closet, then so be it. Own it and he has no power. Getting outed sucks, but you're already the process of coming out.

The last thing to remember is this: Friends come and go. The good ones stick around through thick and thin, no matter what.

 

[Rolyo85]

I agree. Your problem is pretty common really, and it boils down to wrong thinking. Coming out is a process, for sure, but you've already overcome the biggest obstacle in this process - your immediate family. EVERYONE else is irrelevant and can be replaced, including your best friend.

You also have to recalibrate your thinking in another aspect - being homophobic is not ok. Being gay is ok. You do not need homophobic friends. If he is to remain your friend, he needs to change, not you. So you should deal with this situation with confidence and security, knowing that YOU are in the right ,and whoever has a problem with it is in the wrong.

You are in the perfect age to come out. Stop fearing what people will think. Those who matter don't care, and those who care don't matter

 

[Brian Smith]

Your question is very hard to answer because it really just depends on the nature of the homophobia.

Some kinds of homophobia stem from just...innocence. A total lack of knowledge about gay people, just mindless parroting of what they hear elsewhere because they have been given no other basis on which to understand it. You can recognize it because it comes across as loud, shrill and not very well thought-out, even if the person in question is otherwise intelligent. With those kinds of people, you can put on your best "wounded" expression and say, "I take offense to that." Solves it pretty much immediately if you time it right, and the worst you'll get is that person being kind of awkward and quiet for a few weeks. You have to be very delicate about it, though, because you don't want to scare a guy.

Sometimes, you run into people who are just determined to be bigots. They don't talk loud, and they don't talk random shit. They just have this creepy conviction about themselves, like they really "drunk the kool-aid." Dissociate yourself from them. They are no good for you. They won't change because they don't want to change, and their kind of bigotry reveals a deeper sickness in their overall character. Don't have anything to do with them. You can do better in the people you associate with.

Anyway, if he's the first kind of homophobe, who is just loud, obnoxious and ignorant, you're lucky. Just approach it delicately and cautiously, which is apparently what you are inclined to do anyway, and you really can't go wrong. The way it sounds, you are handling this beautifully and responsibly. Have confidence in yourself, and believe in yourself.

 

[ryanboy]

Good advice as usual.

I agree. Your problem is pretty common really, and it boils down to wrong thinking. Coming out is a process, for sure, but you've already overcome the biggest obstacle in this process - your immediate family. EVERYONE else is irrelevant and can be replaced, including your best friend.

You also have to recalibrate your thinking in another aspect - being homophobic is not ok. Being gay is ok. You do not need homophobic friends. If he is to remain your friend, he needs to change, not you. So you should deal with this situation with confidence and security, knowing that YOU are in the right ,and whoever has a problem with it is in the wrong.

You are in the perfect age to come out. Stop fearing what people will think. Those who matter don't care, and those who care don't matter

 

[Ganoderma]

I see the coming out to best friends stories everywhere, but never is the question asked in my way. I've already come out to my parents and sister and her (now) ex boyfriend that's also an important person in my life and a very great friend of mine. (..). I believe my best mate should know about me as well, because the longer I wait the more difficult it becomes again.

Now we have been friends since primary school, but he is quite homophobic to a certain extent. I am afraid if I tell him, and he's shocked or something, he might go loose cannons and tell other people. I know he will eventually accept it, but I don't want the story to spread yet. (..).

hi Carlo,

Great that your family and that the ex-boyfriend of your sister are very supportive after you have told them that you are gay/bi.

Would you mind to tell us in which country you live?

I was wondering if there are also other friends around you which you would like to tell that you are gay/bi (other then your best mate). So why not start first by telling the news to some other people? On the other hand, the more people you tell that you are bi/gay, the more you open the door of the closet. So be prepared that people will also tell their friends / relatives (etc.) that you are gay/bi.

You are right that you facing a problem. On the one hand, you want to tell your best mate first, but you fear that he might not react well, and that he might spread the news. I think that you must realize yourself that you don't need to tell the whole world (= alot of people around you) that you are bi/gay. Telling the news to some close friends, and telling them as well that it is not a secret, will mean that the news will spread around.

Does your best mate has a girlfriend? Or does he hide that he has a girlfriend / that he is interested in girls? How do you see a future friendship with him when you must hide that you have a boyfriend (or a close friend who in an open gay guy, etc)? Towards my opinion, such a friendship does not work.

Finally, what would be the problem when your mate will tell others that you are gay/bi? It might be an easy solution, as you don't need to tell anymore, and you can just assume that people will be aware.

I fully agree with others that a homophobic guy can never be a 'good friend' of a gay guy: that is something which is impossible. Maybe your best mate is ignorant? Are there other gay guys in your (and his) surroundings?

Anyway, feel free to react and take care.

Best wishes.

 

[Seasoned]

When we worry about a friend becoming an enemy is he really a friend?