Coming out, but with precautions...

[number42]

Hey everyone,

I've been a reader on this board for a couple of years now, but only now decided to come out. I'm trying to get myself prepared as good as possible, since i know (not expect) that hell will break loose in my home.

Right now, i'm living as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. My parents are, my brother and sister both are. And all my best friends are. Until about 2 weeks ago, i kept trying to convince myself that living like a witness is the way to go, that i should surpress my homosexuality. That got me in a 3-year lasting depression.

In fact, my parents know i'm gay; i told them 4 years ago when they found porn on my laptop. Since then, i have not been allowed a computer in my room, and my dad kept telling me i'd have to be single for the rest of my life, that i should not even consider stopping as a witness. Not as a threat; he genuinely tought that was the best.

However, he is a very passionate man, and as many people will probably know, passionate people are very loving when they like you, but when they're angry... boy are they angry. I'm a scientist; i study physics and read and watch a lot about science. My dad often gets mad at me, because to him, science equals evolution, and that idea opposes him.

But as i said, i'm soon gonna stop being a witness and finally live like a gay man should. Dating men. I will not EVER be able to do that when living in this house, as my parents are both masters at showing their dissappointment. Let me give you an example; a while back i went to the cinema with a friend of mine. He is not a witness. When i got back, late in the evening, my mom asked who i went with. So i told her 'a guy from school'. She looked at me with a look of 'how can you do that'. She really expects me to ONLY hang out with other witnesses. It gets worse; i lied about the guy being from school. I met him in the gym. If i told her that, she'd go furious, because a guy from school is 'tolerable' for them, since i see them every day. But to see anybody other is a crime to them.

So i'm looking for a place to live, as i have to be out of the house before i tell them that i'm stopping.

Anyone had something similar?

Sorry for the huge rant, i just had to vent all this...

 

[kcboi]

Please feel free to rant all you want... PM me if you want to rant to me... but there are lots of great guys here... sounds like you have a good grasp of how you want/need to live and what you need to do to survive... your parents sound like loving people and it may take awhile but it sounds like they'll come around... probably have a more difficult time with you leaving the faith than the gay thing in the long run!!! Hang in there...

 

[Seasoned]

I don't know much about JW, but I do know that their are belief systems that don't allow deviation. There might have been reasons for that, but no longer.

I am happy that you have chosen authenticity. Your health, including your mental health comes first.

I hope you have pleasant surprises along they way, but, in the end, you will be able to gather around you a new family if need.

Wishing you the very best. Good luck and welcome to JUB!

 

[anchihiro]

Hi, I think you sound very level headed and I hope that everything works out well for you.
You are doing the right thing about finding a new place to live because chances are with very devout parents you could be kicked out and disowned.
I hope you have a financial net to fall back on if this happens. Best of luck. x

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB. Congrats on your first posts on the forums.

I have several friends who are JWs. Their families did not want them to pursue higher education. And the gay ones have been disowned and disfellowshipped from their KH.

What you have described is pretty much what you can expect for the future. But it will be your family's choice as to whether they wish to have a relationship with you on your terms.

The only recommendation that I can offer is to find a group of supportive friends to be your new "family". And if you wish to have religion in your life, find a new faith because the JWs aren't going to change.

 

[Lube]

Yeah, I didn't realize how cultish the JWs are until I met an ex-JW who hasn't spoken to his extended family in years because he's an atheist (he's not even gay, so I'm sure that's 10x worse).

That is definitely one of the more painful comings out, but then JWs are in a league of their own.

Glad you are taking responsibility for your life and are planning ahead!

 

[number42]

Thanks for the response guys!

Right now i'm just hoping that a suitable offer for a house will show up, as i've responded to a lot of rooms, but none have called or mailed me back yet.

I don't think money will become a really big deal in my situationl; when i move out, my scolarship (is that the right word?) will be raised to compensate for the extra costs. And to be sure, i've already raised my standard scolarship, so i have some spare money if it gets bad.

I won't have to be really afraid of the debts; the government asks 1% rent for the payback of my scolarship, so as long as i don't do anything too weird i'll be fine.

What bugs me more is that right now, i have to keep living like a witness. I go to the meetings, feeling like i don't belong there, being annoyed for sitting there 2 hours. I even go in service (preaching, knocking on your door, asking if you want to know more about the bible). Just to keep up appearances.

On top of that is my friends; i just got off the phone with my best friend (he's a witness), all the while i was thinking: "my friendship with you will soon be over". He's a GREAT guy (i'm not in love with him, just friend), he knows all about me and i know all about him, we can make inside jokes, we can talk real deep together... And i will have to build that from the ground up with someone else. For me, that's the saddest prospect.

I guess i should just get it over with.

 

[KaraBulut]

Scholarship- same root as "school"... but we know what you're talking about.

It will be rough at first. Part of the JW culture is that they are very insular- not unlike other groups like Scientology and LDS. Family and friends are usually connected to JW. And I've heard the stories about things that must be discussed at KH in front of the congregation.

So, while you won't have to sit in KH and you won't have to be out distributing Watchtower magazines, you are going to need a support system. So, begin making friends and find a new more open-minded and progressive church.

And good luck.

 

[number42]

Well, they certainly aren't like scientology. They don't harrass you or tell you to keep 'secrets' to yourself. They don't have secrets. And 'punishment' or disfellowshipment is never discussed with the entire congregation. The elders represent the congregation, so that your sins will not have to be made public.

I'm not looking for a different church either; i'm just going to live like an agnostic. IF there is any such thing as religious truth, i do think witnesses come the closest to the truth. But i just doubt wether there is anything like a god, so right now i don't care much about religion.

I am looking for new friends, tough. I've already looked up some old friends from previous schools and some people i met at the gym, and started hanging out with them again. I'm building a new friend circle right now.

Btw; i have a question. I met this guy from florida on Omegle. We had a normal conversation; then he said his boyfriend would be home soon. So i asked if he was gay (stupid question), and i told him i was. I talked with him about my situation, and he was really understanding! I added him on facebook, so sometimes we have conversations, and he's really kind (i added his boyfriend too, didn't speak to him yet tough).

Has anyone else met other people on the internet? Cause i'd like to meet them someday, i'm just very scared about meeting people via the internet; all these pervs... I do think he's genuinely nice, and he seems like a good person, so maybe i'm paranoid... any experiences?

 

[RationalLunacy]

I was disfellowshipped for being gay 30 years ago. Have you ever heard of A Common Bond? It's the worldwide support network for GLBT JWs and exJWs. I founded it in 1980 and there are hundreds of members from all over the world. We hold international conferences every year. You are not alone! Please PM me if you like.

 

[unloadonme]

Has anyone else met other people on the internet?

Yes. I've met some nice gay guys on the internet. Really nice.

Where? Here on JUB of course.

I'm afraid I haven't any advice, but I hope everything works out for you.

 

[Fritos]

Makes you feel any better some JWs told me that I was going to burn in hell, even after I let them prech to me at my front door. Never knew JWs could be that strict im sorry man. I have JW friend and thought his was pretty strict about not allowing him to go to birthday parties or anyting, but they still let him smoke and hang out with non-JWs. Now I know hes a lucky one.

 

[number42]

Hmmm... JWs dont believe in hell

Anyway, right now i don't care much about the congregation, or the belief. As said, i'm going to live like an agnost. I don't care. I just want to live a happy life.

It's just my friends. Especially my best friend. We have these really deep discussions about everything, and we both have the same taste in about... everything! We go on vacation together, we talk about how we see our futures and stuff... I went to a concert with him tonight. He had 2 tickets, so he asked me and we went to see it. Even DURING the concert, we were talking on a deeper level than a usual conversation. I just kept thinking about how i will lose that soon, and wondering if i'll ever make a friend that close again, or if i was just lucky to find him.

I'm not in love with him or anything; we're just really close friends. I wouldn't want to date him. He's just an awesome friend. One that i will not have anymore, soon.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope i'll find someone like him again. I think that's the first thing i'm gonna do when i'm out and about. Find a best friend again. But it took years to build a good friendship with this guy, so it'll be a while until i can have that again.

 

[Fritos]

Hmmm... JWs dont believe in hell
.

oh, huh wonder who they were then.... O well

 

[number42]

I found a place! Someone finally responded back, so now next monday i'll visit the place and see if it's gonna be suitable to live for at least the next year...

I just hope it's gonna be ok... i wanna get this over with!

 

[Lube]

Good luck!

 

[number42]

Well, i felt like sharing the good news:

It has all been done. in the weekend of 6/7 november, my parents started to become suspicious about me, and questioned me the entire evening of saturday. I got so stressed out by their behaviour, that the sunday after i threw up all my food. Even that i tried to cover up, because else my mom wouldn't let me go to school the next morning and that would be the day i was gonna pack my things and leave.

It worked. A friend told me i could crash at her place, so i packed some bags and went to her. That evening, i called my parents and told them everything. They were angry and dissappointed, and wanted to talk to me. So i told them i'd come by thursday.

I did, and they were strangely calm. They still are. They don't talk much to me, sometimes they ask me questions via e-mail about the room i'm renting now (i'm not staying at the friends house anymore, i found a room to rent) and they keep silent about my being gay and no longer being a jehovah's witness.

Most witnesses from my community called me, some to ask how i was doing, and to ask me if i'm sure about this, and telling me that it's okay as long as it is my own decision.
Others having prepared a speech, telling me how the hell i could forfeit believing in the bible and that i'm running into a lie.
One of my best friends (well, no longer of course) could only tell me in a shocked voice that we "MUST THANK GOD FOR CREATING US" and when i tried to say something, he basically went on with "NO! MUST! THANK!".

My best friend on the other hand, is very clear-minded. He says that since it's my decision, it's okay and he finds it brave that i go for something i believe in, while my life is centered around something else. He said he wouldn't stop being my best friend, but i think pressure from the other witnesses is going to kick in soon.

My friends are now mostly students from college. They helped me tremendously, one of them now takes me to the game nights he has with his friends, so i can meet some new people. One other guy invited me over a weekend in november to stay at his place and just have fun for a weekend.

It has been stressfull, but mostly a relief. Today, i was at my parents again to pick up some of my other things, and as soon as i stepped in the house, the stress began. I could feel all the memories getting back to me, so i just said hi, talked shortly and fixed a computer problem for my mom, then grabbed my stuff and went. That place has become unbearable for me.

And even if i wanted to go back, my parents told me i'd have to live by their rules. In essence, they won't force me to go to meetings or to study the bible, but i'd still have to be home by 11 every night and no way in hell i would be allowed to have a boyfriend.

So. No thanks. I'm happy now. My own room, own life, own friends. No more control. Life feels good now.

I'm already busy with something else, anyway; i met a really cute guy who studies history in the same building as me. I hope he's single

 

[Lube]

Wow, what a mature young man you are!

A heartfelt congratulations!

You are an inspiration for young gay men everywhere. You will go far.

Congrats again!

 

[bankside]

Congratulations on how far you've come. You have given yourself the freedom to make new friends, and the freedom to keep old friends if they remain respectful. Keep at it, and all will be well!