Coming out completely

[Tomcat]

This might be more venting, then asking for help, but anyways...

I came out to my friends and family little over two and a half years ago. It couldn't have been easier with my friends, because all of them had already noticed that there was something troubling my, that I wasn't ready to discuss.

I invited all of my friends that I care about (that were possible to get there at the time) and took one of them aside at a time. I made sure that I hade enough time with everyone to talk about it, and they all took it really well.

It was a bit more shocking to my parents and they werent ready to talk about it right away. But after the initial shock they were eager to have a change to talk some more about it.

After that I just lost interest in "coming out"... Some of my relatives know, because they just happened to be in a right place at a right time...

But the real problem was all of my relatives that didn't know I was gay. Most of them I only see when there's a special occasion. Why in earth would I bring up the subject on someones weddings or graduation party?

At first I just got there alone.

But now I just don't care if they know or not. It's impossible (or at least very awkward) to try to find time to talk to them beforehand.

So I just took my boyfriend with my. It was a small party so no one asked anything. Well we were pretty much helping with catering so no one noticed...

There was a big party where just about everyone was invited... Yeah, we were helping with the catering again...

I know I'm just like that, I like to help when help is needed. But now I heard some think my boyfriend is a caterer, some just believe he is my friend. Luckily some have guessed it right

I know that if I just keep bringing him with me, people start to figure out. Maybe even ask some questions so the rest will finally realize.

I'm just wondering that what should I do if I'm invited to a smaller party where I'm not sure if they have yet realized that I'm gay and he is my boyfriend? Those parties were at my family's place, so there was no question weather he should come or not.

Should I call them beforehand and come out on the phone just to be sure? I really wouldn't like the idea of coming out on the phone, nor do I feel the need to make such a big deal out of it. I just happen to love a boy, and I'm boy myself - so what's the big deal? I know, someone might have problems with it...

I know that my relatives would get over it, I just don't want to put my boyfriend in a tough situation just because someone hasn't yet realized that he is with my on every occasion.

Does this make any sense to you? I know I might make too much out of this, but I'm just afraid someone hurting the feelings of the man I love.

 

[backpacker]

I wouldn't make any big announcements. Just continue being yourself and bring your boyfriend along. If they ask about girlfriends, just tell them that you are gay and "x" is your boyfriend. This just may be me, but I never felt the need to make big announcements. I'm just myself and people can figure it out or ask if they care.

 

[Tomcat]

I wouldn't make any big announcements. Just continue being yourself and bring your boyfriend along. If they ask about girlfriends, just tell them that you are gay and "x" is your boyfriend. This just may be me, but I never felt the need to make big announcements. I'm just myself and people can figure it out or ask if they care.

Thanks vetteboi!

Maybe I'm just worried because my best friend got married and asked me not to bring my boyfriend with me to the wedding... Just got me thinking if he was so worried about what other people might think, I should be worried also.

I'm not a big fan of big announcements so just bringing him along and answering questions should they arise would be the way I would like to take it.

I'm just worried what if someone takes it badly and takes it on my boyfriend, it's not fair to him and I'd like to make sure it doesn't happen...

 

[Tomcat]

You dont need to make excuses or explain yourself. You have a boyfriend and thats all there is to it. When other guys bring their girls, people say "oh my, glad you two are dating...blah blah blah" It should be the same with your boyfriend. Your lucky, you have one. Show him off

Thanks centraltyler

I just can't understand why it should be any different having a boyfriend than a girlfriend - just it always seems to be...

Luckily he's the kind of guy everyone seems to like right from the beginning - good natured, intelligent and did I remember to mention very good looking

 

[colemanshs]

One thing to think about is calling the host of the party and asking if it is okay to bring your boyfriend. That way, you know it's okay that he comes along and if they didn't know that you're gay it will tip them off.

 

[Tomcat]

That's not fair!


Said person would lose their status as my "best friend".

You should really reevaluate your relationship with your best friend. He/she obviously doesn't have much respect for you.

Yeah... I took it pretty bad, but I was the bestman, so not going my self was not an option... He's still my best friend and that's not going to change. I'm not trying to figure out why he felt that way, but he really doesn't have any problem with me being gay.

 

[Tomcat]

One thing to think about is calling the host of the party and asking if it is okay to bring your boyfriend. That way, you know it's okay that he comes along and if they didn't know that you're gay it will tip them off.

Thanks!

That's a good way to start. It'll work for most of the time, but with some relatives I'm not that much in touch... They just sent an invitation to my parents inviting the whole family - should I ask my parents to inform them?

 

[Tomcat]

I figure most straight people bring their girlfriends to family events if they want to and If they feel comfortable enough doing it. If you consider him part of your family, that is good enough. He is lucky to have a boyfriend like you that will take him places and not worry about what others think.

I really do consider him a part of my family - and so does the rest of the family

And I really know how lucky I am having such a supporting family and finding such a fine man to call my boyfriend

Maybe I just have to prepare him in case some relative does have a problem when finding out we're together.

 

[AaronG]

Mostly, just don't worry too much. You sound like a strong couple that can handle things well. Whether you give advance notice or just wing it, you'll be fine. Plus, don't forget that your immediate family is in your corner.

 

[WYSIWYG]

Your the best man at your "best friends" wedding and he knows your gay and "has no problem with it", BUT he says NOT to bring your boy friend, your lover? Dude that is so fucked up!!! (I would have told him to find another best man mate! He is not your best friend!)

I would say any small party or gathering that your friends and family have, bring your boy friend. You both love one another...end of story. If people are unhappy about it or can't figure this out, can leave or you can....its YOUR LIFE NOT theirs!!!!! Love who you want to love! Trust me, life is to short for not being with him and going and being where you want to be!!!!

 

[Tomcat]

Your the best man at your "best friends" wedding and he knows your gay and "has no problem with it", BUT he says NOT to bring your boy friend, your lover? Dude that is so fucked up!!! (I would have told him to find another best man mate! He is not your best friend!)

Actually my boyfriend took it better then I did. It's their wedding and what ever the reason for asking me not to bring my boyfriend with me, is their business. Surely I'm hoping no one would ask me that again.

 

[Tomcat]

Mostly, just don't worry too much. You sound like a strong couple that can handle things well. Whether you give advance notice or just wing it, you'll be fine. Plus, don't forget that your immediate family is in your corner.

Thanks AaronG!

Maybe I should just stop worrying about it and continue the way I have so far.

There's no way of knowing who hasn't yet realized that he's my boyfriend and might have a problem with it... So, just have to hope there's not going to be big drama, should anyone have problems with it...

 

[drhladnjak]

He's still my best friend and that's not going to change. I'm not trying to figure out why he felt that way, but he really doesn't have any problem with me being gay.

Get this idea that he has no problem with you being gay out of your head. He's obviously not totally comfortable with you being gay or he would have encouraged you to bring your boyfriend to the wedding! It sounds to me like a classic case of putting his image among homophobic relatives above treating his friends well.

 

[Tomcat]

Get this idea that he has no problem with you being gay out of your head. He's obviously not totally comfortable with you being gay or he would have encouraged you to bring your boyfriend to the wedding! It sounds to me like a classic case of putting his image among homophobic relatives above treating his friends well.

Life isn't always fair. I didn't like being asked to not bring my boyfriend with me, but I still made my best as a bestman.

By just telling about that one incident might not give very good impression about him. But there's no reason to apply one strike rule on good friends. To be honest, only few of my friends could have asked me not to bring him with me and still expect me showing up - so, yes I consider him a very good friend.

 

[luminum]

I think this is "coming out" in excess.

The purpose of coming out is first, to affirm yourself. You're affirming that this is who you are, you're not ashamed. Secondly, telling someone important to you is done because it affirms trust and honesty between you and that/those person(s).

Once you've told all the people who really rank high in your life, you're not obligated to officially tell anyone else. It's about you, not them. If you feel that the person in question really needs to know in order to foster honest lines of intimate communication, then you can pull them aside and tell them. But great aunt Gertrude who you only see once a year? I'm sure she doesn't need to be pulled aside when they two of you rarely talk. She'll probably find out from other family members or by the fact that that nice boy who's with her great nephew all the time seems to be awfully interested in him and vice versa.

Your immediate family and important relatives already know and support you. It's not going to blow anyone away, and if some third cousin reacts badly, what's going to happen? No one important to you is going to drop the glass they're holding and run out of the room crying.

I'd say just relax and act as if everyone already knows (because in a sense, "everyone" does) and the fringe members of your family can either remain oblivious, ask someone, or figure it out on their own.

If you've ever brought a girl friend with you to a function, you didn't have to walk around explain to everyone that she wasn't your girlfriend. If they asked, you'd say so. Most likely the other members fo yoru family knew she wasn't someone you were dating.

As for your "best friend"...He may have done it because he's not comfortable with you being gay. If that was the case, then I wouldn't consider him a very good friend, let alone a "best". I would probably say that if my boyfriend couldn't come, then I would unfortunately not come either, because it meant that I was not fully welcome to the event, only the passable "straight" part of me was.

If he asked you not to bring him because he knows that his family wouldn't accept it and would get all bent out of shape, then it's a bit tougher. A better man would know that it's his and his partner's wedding, not anyone else's and that he sets the rules about who gets to come witness and take part in one of the biggest events in his life, not his family. A better, braver man would say fuck it and that any family with a problem with you two can leave. But not all people are like that.

Ask your friend why he asked that your boyfriend not attend and then talk to your boyfriend and see what he feels. He may not care at all about not going.

 

[drhladnjak]

Life isn't always fair. I didn't like being asked to not bring my boyfriend with me, but I still made my best as a bestman.

By just telling about that one incident might not give very good impression about him. But there's no reason to apply one strike rule on good friends. To be honest, only few of my friends could have asked me not to bring him with me and still expect me showing up - so, yes I consider him a very good friend.

I never said life was fair. The decision you made was reasonable and you know the circumstances much better than any of us here in the peanut gallery Also, I don't necessarily agree with what some others above have said which is essentially to kick your best friend to the curb.

However, while he may be a very good friend, obviously he's demonstrated that he won't stand up for you in certain circumstances. You deserve a best friend (or even just a good friend) who would do that for you. Perhaps in time existing friends (this guy or somebody else) will rise to that level or perhaps you'll make some new friends who will.

 

[Tomcat]

I never said life was fair. The decision you made was reasonable and you know the circumstances much better than any of us here in the peanut gallery Also, I don't necessarily agree with what some others above have said which is essentially to kick your best friend to the curb.

However, while he may be a very good friend, obviously he's demonstrated that he won't stand up for you in certain circumstances. You deserve a best friend (or even just a good friend) who would do that for you. Perhaps in time existing friends (this guy or somebody else) will rise to that level or perhaps you'll make some new friends who will.

Thanks drhladnjak!

Actually I do have other good friends that do stand up for me. "Can I tell anyone" must have been the second thing she asked me, after I told her I was gay. I didn't have a problem with it, but was curious why she was so keen on outing me. Well, she was getting married too, and wanted to make sure that everyone that mattered would know it. And she made it clear that she's expecting me to be with my boyfriend at the wedding

As for my best friend - he's not the one with problem with me being gay. He's even suggested to take me to a gay club with him

 

[Tomcat]

Ask your friend why he asked that your boyfriend not attend and then talk to your boyfriend and see what he feels. He may not care at all about not going.

Thanks luminum!

I believe he was also trying to "keep me safe"... It was a really big wedding with a lot of people that even he hadn't met many times. With a lot of alcohol reserved for the evening, it would have been a miracle if no one hadn't had a problem with it.

But whatever the reason is - I didn't like it but I lived with it. In the future I would want to be the person with my boyfriend making the decision am I coming alone.

Actually my boyfriend took it rather well. He did have something else he should've been doing, but would have made the time for the wedding.

Once you've told all the people who really rank high in your life, you're not obligated to officially tell anyone else. It's about you, not them. If you feel that the person in question really needs to know in order to foster honest lines of intimate communication, then you can pull them aside and tell them. But great aunt Gertrude who you only see once a year? I'm sure she doesn't need to be pulled aside when they two of you rarely talk. She'll probably find out from other family members or by the fact that that nice boy who's with her great nephew all the time seems to be awfully interested in him and vice versa.

That just seemed so natural... After I told my friends and immediate family, I just completely forgot the whole subject. It's nice to hear that others agree on this.