Coming out dilemma

[Jacks-Mannequin]

To start my dilemma, i'm gay with bisexual tendencies i would say, however i've only recently come to accept this as i have been trying to convince myself that I was totally bisexual. I know I could love a woman emotionally just not physically and that's why i've been trying to convince myself otherwise. I thought I could ignore the fact that I wasn't physically attracted and it may develop enough on its own. However I have come the the realization this isn't possible as I wouldn't be loving her as much as I should and It wouldn't be right on me having to fake an attraction. I can definitely appreciate how beautiful a woman is and there are a few exceptions where i would definitely go there physically, and too an extent I would love nothing more that to settle with a woman and have kids and live that normal family life.

I've known I was different from a very young age, and knew for certain i wasn't straight from about 11 as i wasn't interested in seeing girls naked. I didn't conform to the stereotype of the things boys and girls did differently either; it was much more fluid and I did a mix of both. I think to some extent this is why I received a lot of questions regarding my sexuality which i always denied.
Even though people seemed to think I was gay it's always gotten me down as I thought I didn't give off any typical sign of what people presume "gay" to be and it annoyed me that people could notice it to some extent. Even people I'd never spoke too have come up to me and said " i've always thought you were gay" and then a denial seemed to set them straight. Yet other people have said they don't notice anything which is rather annoying.

Even though I'm from a typically gay friendly area I'm still absolutely petrified of coming out. I think because of my sexuality and my attempts to suppress it, its made me develop a form of social anxiety and I hate to have any type of attention which has meant that i wont use the phone to people i don't know and i care deeply about what people think of me, even though i shouldn't really give a damn. I think this is making me fear the outcome that much more. People probably "know" im gay and are just waiting for me to admit it but that uncertainty in my mind is too much to risk. I've not had a girlfriend since i was about 11 and I'm 22 now and my parents don't ask about this which gives me thoughts that they may already know, but then at the same time we generally keeps things to ourselves anyway. With that said a lot of the time not having a girlfirend was not through lack of trying, I always found I set my standards too high and liked girls that didnt reciprocate any feelings towards me as well as not being confident enough to push for anything myself.

With things considered i reckon my family would probably be quite accepting as there isn't any form of religious belief clouding their judgement and my friends the same also. But the thought of any member of my family or friends not accepting it will be devastating for me. My dad is my biggest concern as he has made comments in the past about a friend i grew up with who came out a few years ago and refers to him as "your puff mate". The realities of being gay are really daunting also as i know how homophobic some people are and the thought of people talking about me behind my back and throwing insulting comments at me i can do without. However i know there are gonna be ignorant people everywhere and i'll have to develop a thick skin.

Even with this urge to tell people at the pit of my stomach constantly for the past few days i cant bring myself to mention it to anyone so i just push it to the back of my mind and try and forget about it which is becoming increasingly more difficult, yet i know if i dont say anything all its doing is extending the length of me being alone. I just want to be myself and not hide behind a front anymore.
Another thing that's on my mind is meeting other people as I don't really socialize with any gay people and the gay scene isnt that much of an interest for me, id much rather go to a normal rock club etc plus if im totally honest i'm really put off by the flamboyance of the gay scene. So this is going to make it really difficult to meet people without having to resort to online sites.

I really don't know what to do or how to go about this, who to tell first, if i can even manage to muster up enough courage to tell anybody.

 

[Toddxxx]

Don't push it. You are gay but no need to come out until you feel comfortable about doing it. What you write is not unusual for guys your age. Things will work out over time.

 

[silosybin]

man i feel like you just wrote exactly what is in my mind too. like almost every thing in your post resonated with me. im 24 and its only been a few weeks since i finally stopped suppressing it. have only told one person (who is trans, so was easy to tell her. but she is the only LGBT person i really know). i thought i was going to have no problem coming out, i was planning to tell my brother this weekend but had second thoughts and pussed out. my parents are pretty liberal and i live in a fairly accepting place but it still feels awkward due to all the things i have done in the past trying to suppress it. so i think i am going to have to take the coming out process a little slower than i originally planned.

 

[Jacks-Mannequin]

Well I finally managed to pluck up the courage to tell someone today. I was initially going to tell my best friend as i thought it would be easiest. However I felt like I owed my mum enough respect to tell her first. I've spent every day for the past few months planning on how to go about telling someone.

In the end I knew it would be as difficult so I would need to bite the bullet sooner rather than later otherwise I knew I would never be ready. so after I got back from taking my mum to the dentist I just broke down in tears and told her I didn't want to tell her like this, but that I was Gay. She just hugged me and said it was fine and had had some doubts. But questioned if I knew I was gay for sure as I had never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend. She said that I'm obviously not comfortable enough with my sexuality so before telling anybody else I should come to terms with it properly. She also told me that she was glad that I told her and that it shouldn't be anybodies business so i needn't feel pressured to tell everybody. But I kind of want to get all the tears and drama out of the way all at once so I can move on as soon as possible. I told her I loved her and that I was glad she hadn't abandoned me. Which she replied that she knew. However she feels that before I tell anybody else I need to tell my dad but she knows hes going to be the hardest person to tell as he isn't the easiest person to reason with.

Now I've got it out of my system though I feel kind of empty and as if nothing has been said. I still feel a little awkward about the whole thing so will have to wait until im a little more comfortable with the whole situation as talking to my mum about this was incredibly awkward. The thought of my mum asking about girls was scary enough, but boys just makes it ten times more awkward.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi J-M and welcome to JUB.

Congratulations on doing something very difficult for you. You did the right thing, and I'm glad your mother was so kind and accepting.

She does make a good point about being comfortable with your own skin before tackling more coming out episodes. There's no timetable for doing that, and it's really more of a process than it is a chore or obligation. When I came out, I did the easiest ones first too--that's pretty natural. But, I came out over a period of many months to different people.

There's no reason why your father has to be the next one to come out to. You might want to get practice by coming out to friends or perhaps other relatives. Soak up their encouragement and support and, before you tackle to tough ones, be secure in who you are and feel good about it. Then, it all becomes matter-of-fact, without the tears and angst and "apologies."

Good luck to you. I hope this site gives you the confidence you need and the pride you need to feel good about yourself. If you are confidence, and have good self-feelings, they will be contagious to those around you.

Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.

 

[tipmyscales86]

I feel like everything you expressed in this thread is exactly what I was going through and still do to an extent. I was also 22 when I came out for the first time, which was 2 years ago. I had the same fears about people talking behind my back which took a toll on my social life. I had a feeling that I would be accepted by my family, but it was still the fear of them knowing that prevented me from coming out. I didn't want my name to come up in family conversations with the sidebar of "oh yeah he's gay" being talked out. But like you, I bit the bullet and it felt excruciating to say the words "I'm gay" to another person.

But I'm so glad I did it. For me there was relief, but still that awkward/empty feeling afterwords. Keep in mind, not only is coming out a life adjustment, but the aftermath is also a life adjustment. You are opening up a part of yourself to other people that they haven't seen from you, and it will feel weird talking about it openly at first because of how much you've suppressed it. But there are plenty of people out there who you can talk to about it, and over time it will become easy conversation.

Also, regarding the "gay scene", that was something I thought I would never be interested in getting involved with, but I decided to try it out. I've discovered along the way that the gay scene is amazingly fun. I never thought gay bars and clubs would be for me, but now everytime I go I have a blast. I've met so many nice people there that I hit it off with, and it doesn't matter to them if I'm not into Ru Paul's Drag Race or Lady Gaga (that was before I really got into her). It also feels great when you have hot guys all over you. So after my original doubts, I came to find that the "gay scene" really made me feel comfortable with myself and puts my mind at ease, I felt like I finally found a place where I belonged. Total freedom.

 

[techie70]

Welcome J-M. A lot of us have been exactly where you are. Its hard to take things slow when you've built up the courage to tell someone. And until you feel like you don't have anyone left to tell you may feel "empty". Take things slow and listen to your mom. Become comfortable with yourself and most things become much easier. Good luck when you tell your Dad. And come back if you need any more support.

Best os luck!

 

[Kulindahr]

Good comments above.

I also told my mom first -- and had the same feeling. I think it's because of the expectation that now that someone knows, the world should feel different, but you're still just the same you as before. To an extent that may be because you're looking for affirmation, and even though you got it, it doesn't seem to make a difference.

There's a reason for that: the only affirmation that's really going to count on this is yours. After my family walked out on my my first Christmas out, it took me a long time to figure out that their affirmation doesn't matter. We don't tell others in order to get affirmation, we tell them out of respect: they're valuable to us, so we're honest with them. But if they react negatively, it doesn't lessen who you are in the least.

That said, this is an excellent place to hang out and get used to your identity now that you've come out to yourself. If I'd had this place, I would have been so much better off I can't even imagine the difference. My biggest problem was accepting what I'd told myself once I came out to myself, and a place like this is fantastic for that: we won't dis you for anything you could possibly say (that isn't criminal, anyway), won't put you down even if you drop in one day and say, "I took this chick home last night and did everything in the book".

Meanwhile you get used to talking about yourself in ways that don't have to hide. That's incredibly important -- in a way it's you laying claim to yourself, replacing the "I have to hide" and the "I don't want to be that" self with one that says, "This is who I am, and I'm going to celebrate that!"

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome and congratulations on your self awareness and you talk with your mom. Keep working on self acceptance and do what you can to find a trusting gay or bi friend. You can rely on us, of course, at any time, but there is nothing like a mate to be able to call whenever you need to. What about the friend that came out. Is he available to you? Go at your own pace and don't worry about gay stereotypes. If you are in a large enough community there may be gay social outlets besides pubs and clubs. I wish you all the best.

 

[Jacks-Mannequin]

Thanks for the advice guys. Ive had a couple of days to get used to my mum knowing and everything seems normal at least. She asked me if I wanted to see a counselor yesterday which I said no too as I wanna be able to deal with this myself. I don't feel as awkward as much anymore either even though i was feeling anxious about seeing my mum again the morning after I'd told her. I think I do want to tell my dad next as they are the only 2 peoples opinions that really matter to me. Everybody after that won't be as hard to deal with.

Soreknees, my friend that came out isn't around no, hes constantly away working on cruise ships or traveling around so he's probably around a few weeks a year, if that. So I don't really have him for any advice.

I have realized though that I didn't react in such a tearful manner because I'm ashamed of who I am, it was because im scared of the reactions of everyone else. I know how bigoted people are and the thought of being rejected for something out of my control is what I'm most concerned with. I guess with a little more time I'll know more for certain.

 

[Jacks-Mannequin]

Thought I'd do another update on the situation. I think I've come out to about 8 people now but 11 people know , so i'm slowly getting there. Aside from my mum though the rest are friends. Still need to work up the courage to tell my dad and other family members. I've come to the realisation though these past couple of days that I'm soon going to have to embark on the gay life and it's still kinda daunting.

I was on a night out the other day with my closest friends (2 female, 1 male) and the girls started chatting up some guys who then joined into the group and i just realised how self concious i feel in these sitatuations. I've come to realise that i dont know any gay people so i dont hao ive an "in" into the gay scene so its going to be really difficult to find someone im attracted to who likes me back. It was hard enough finding a girl to like me back in the same way. I'm either going to like straight guys or guys who just arent interested.

I've joined a gay social site too but am too apprehensive still to put a face picture on in case someone i know happens to find out plus the amount of people who seem to to be on for casual sex which seems a little overwhelming to contemplate... why can't things be easier already..

 

[Kulindahr]

Put a picture of your navel, and tell people they have to get to know you to see more.