"Coming out" in a letter

[CumAlong]

First of all, I'm NOT completely in the closet. More like sitting in the open doorway. I don't tell people outright I'm bi and if someone asks, I will say yes, but lets face it, most people don't ask. My roommates have no clue, which I know for a fact. I came out to a lot of my girl friends quite a while ago, and some guy friends, but stopped after losing a couple friends i thought would understand more than anyone else.

The other night a guy that likes me came up to my roommate (they know each other) and my roommate knows he is gay, but the guy mentioned me and how much he would love to get with me. My roommates were all together at this point, and some of my girl friends that already knew were there too. They had a conversation about whether or not I was gay that basically ended in "we would be able to tell if he was gay, he isn't!", which i guess is reasonable since I have had one of the same roommate for 3 years now. And it probably doesn't help that I only talk about stuff i do with girls and not guys.

Anyways, some things happened a week ago that involved police coming to my apartment and a long talk with a life counciler. My roomates were there to watch the police take me outside of the apartment in an emotional breakdown (which i have never done in the past 4 years, so they knew something was seriously up) I feel like i owe them an explanation of the night and I think they deserve to know more about me. Only problem is, I freeze up when I try to tell people. The words don't want to come out because I feel like I need to say 1,000 things at once so they understand before reacting. I always have to preface to my guy friends that all the past "i love you" or "you look good in XXXX" is seriously just a "straight guy" comment and not some kind of sexual advance.

Anyways, to the point. Would it be OK to come out in a letter? I've been writing one for a while and am adding personal notes to a more generic base for each of my roommates (and two of their girlfriends who i feel like are sisters to me). I feel this is the best way because then they can all know at the same time, I won't be there (i plan on leaving them on the kitchen table with their respective names) and this way i didn't favor anyone over the others by telling them first. Coming out face to face with 5 people at once would be impossible.

Opinions!!

 

[CumAlong]

I care about them a lot and hope to live with them as roommates for a long time.

 

[CumAlong]

Thanks for all the replies so far. Love you guys. It was emotional writing this letter so far, and I want to share what I have so far. This coming week is "Coming out" week at my school and in some of their fliers and handouts they had coming out letters, of which i used a few words to help say the things I felt were most important for me to say.


I want to share something about my life that is important to me. I am bisexual. I didn’t really know till later high school, but as I look back I can see the signs since I can remember. In the years that have passed since then, keeping it a secret has become a burden. It has also placed a wall between us, a wall that you probably didn’t even know existed, because I cannot share so much that goes on in my life. I can’t share the excitement of dating somebody new, or the pain when things don’t work out. I can’t share the wonderful new friends I make. I have spent many nights, broken and alone, unable to find a concerning ear. I know you might feel shocked, confused, angry or sad, and I’m sorry. Nobody chooses to be gay or bi, and I have in the past couple years accepted myself, but to say I am happy with myself would be a lie. Too many times I have tried to “fix” myself, convinced I was broken because that’s what everyone kept saying. My own parents think gays are a burden on society and should not exist. Some of my friends have known for a long time, and accept me, others have decided against it. I wanted to start coming out Freshmen year, when everything was so new and I thought I could find my place somewhere in thirty-thousand people. I got wrapped up in everything and I didn’t want to lose anything. I waited until that summer to decide to slowly start coming out, only to be met by the loss of some friends I thought would understand above all others. I hid again. I hope by telling you this that I can break down the wall between us and we can become closer. When you ask me what I have been up to and I say “Nothing” or how I have been and I say “Fine” I have been lying. I have had the greatest times of my life, done some of the best things, I have had the worst times and just wanted someone to understand, but I could only reply with those single words. Truth is, no one ever asked if I was bisexual so I never lied about that, but I hid. Hid behind the fact people don’t believe it is possible. Maybe it is a coward’s way of trying to cling on to being normal and accepted. Maybe I should be a better person, and maybe someday I will. This hiding and lying has eaten away at me for years now, and that’s why I choose to share part of me with you now. I could either keep lying and we could grow farther apart or I could tell the truth and hope for the best. But I am prepared for the worst. I regret not saying it sooner, and am sorry. I understand if you would rather this didn’t happen. I can find another place to live if it will be for the better. Although you may or may not understand about being bisexual, I hope we can still be friends. I am still the same James.

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, it's good but probably a little long for most guys to read.

It's fine to write your thoughts down. It is better to tell them in person though- if it's too difficult then read the letter out loud or hand it to them to read while you're there to discuss.

Keep it simple- you only need to cover a few things:

1. That you're bi
2. Why you're telling them (eg because you value their friendship and you don't want to lie to them)
3. How things will change now that they know

The rest you can talk about in person- the struggle, the doubts, the fears about coming out. And you can give them a chance to ask any questions they want to ask (both at the time that you're talking and at any point in the future).

 

[Lube]

My feelings are similar to KaraBulut's.

I mean, is this really necessary for college aged kids nowadays?

And is this the kind of letter you want to give to more than one or two of your closest friends? It's emotional impact is greatly reduced the more people you give it to.

If you can't do it in person, maybe you're not ready.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Well, it's good but probably a little long for most guys to read.

Yeah, I think the same. The purpose of a "coming-out letter" is to come out. This reads more like you specifically wanted to write something, and the audience doesn't really matter.

Let me edit it slightly.

I want to share something [STRIKE]about my life that is important to me[/STRIKE]. I am bisexual. [STRIKE]I didn’t really know till later high school, but as I look back I can see the signs since I can remember. In the years that have passed since then, keeping it a secret has become a burden. It has also placed a wall between us, a wall that you probably didn’t even know existed, because I cannot share so much that goes on in my life. I can’t share the excitement of dating somebody new, or the pain when things don’t work out. I can’t share the wonderful new friends I make. I have spent many nights, broken and alone, unable to find a concerning ear. I know you might feel shocked, confused, angry or sad, and I’m sorry. Nobody chooses to be gay or bi, and I have in the past couple years accepted myself, but to say I am happy with myself would be a lie. Too many times I have tried to “fix” myself, convinced I was broken because that’s what everyone kept saying. My own parents think gays are a burden on society and should not exist. Some of my friends have known for a long time, and accept me, others have decided against it. I wanted to start coming out freshmen year, when everything was so new and I thought I could find my place somewhere in thirty-thousand people. I got wrapped up in everything and I didn’t want to lose anything. I waited until that summer to decide to slowly start coming out, only to be met by the loss of some friends I thought would understand above all others. I hid again. I hope by telling you this that I can break down the wall between us and we can become closer. When you ask me what I have been up to and I say “Nothing” or how I have been and I say “Fine” I have been lying. I have had the greatest times of my life, done some of the best things, I have had the worst times and just wanted someone to understand, but I could only reply with those single words. Truth is, no one ever asked if I was bisexual so I never lied about that, but I hid. Hid behind the fact people don’t believe it is possible. Maybe it is a coward’s way of trying to cling on to being normal and accepted. Maybe I should be a better person, and maybe someday I will. This hiding and lying has eaten away at me for years now, and that’s why I choose to share part of me with you now. I could either keep lying and we could grow farther apart or I could tell the truth and hope for the best. But I am prepared for the worst. I regret not saying it sooner, and am sorry. I understand if you would rather this didn’t happen. I can find another place to live if it will be for the better. Although you may or may not understand about being bisexual, I hope we can still be friends. I am still the same [/STRIKE]James.

There.

And once they read the note, you can talk about anything and everything else in the original. Because I can guarantee most of them will say something along the lines of "You're bi? OK."

Lex

 

[Lube]

^Ha ha! Great post!

 

[altlover85]

I think if you feel comfortable with the letter, then send it. However, I think saying you are bi and you didn't want to hide who you were anymore would suffice. The rest of the letter seems like you are in a counseling session and might be a bit deep for some people. When you mention how you lied to them and said you were fine when you weren't and how you basically lead two lives, I feel like that paints you in a negative light. When you say how you felt broken it sounds like something you would tell a counselor. I think those kinds of conversations are best done one on one. I can't imagine you are equally close to all of them so I wouldn't write such a deep letter to all of them.

On the positive side,I think you did a great job getting your thoughts and feelings on paper and that it's great you are working up the courage to come out!

Those are just my 2 cents.

Good luck! I hope it goes well for you James!