Coming Out in the South

[southerngayguy92]

Hey, guys. I’m new here. From the south. I’m struggling to come out to my family. The south isn’t the most gay friendly place. Any other guys from the south having this problem?

 

[MusicMan321]

Hi and to jub anywhere you live you could have it different of telling people that you are different

 

[KaraBulut]

Hey, guys. I’m new here. From the south. I’m struggling to come out to my family. The south isn’t the most gay friendly place. Any other guys from the south having this problem?

There's really two "souths". The urban areas are more progressive and tolerant. The rural areas are more conservative, more religious and less tolerant of gay people.

But is this about the south or is it about how your family feels about gay people?

 

[Rocky]

I grew up in Northern Virginia, which is *kind of* the south, but not really.

I don't really know what else to say besides that... it was hard for me at first. But I can't imagine what you might be going through.

 

[ShadowCat]

Yeah I never understood how people in Virginia thought they were "Southern"

 

[Alistair]

^ anything south of the Mason-Dixon is the south. Just like Ohio and Illinois is the midwest.

I'm not from the south but think it's pretty much the same everywhere. How does your family feel about homosexuality?

 

[southerngayguy92]

Hi and to jub anywhere you live you could have it different of telling people that you are different

That’s true. I guess it’s just because I hear a lot of people talking bad about being gay where I’m from. I’m sure that can happen anywhere though.

- - - Updated - - -

There's really two "souths". The urban areas are more progressive and tolerant. The rural areas are more conservative, more religious and less tolerant of gay people.

But is this about the south or is it about how your family feels about gay people?

I guess it’s more so my family. I want to tell them, but I’m afraid they will react badly.

 

[southerngayguy92]

I think it’s hard for everyone. I just really want to tell my parents. The bad part is I’m 28 and still live with them. I’m afraid they might kick me out if they knew.

 

[KaraBulut]

That’s true. I guess it’s just because I hear a lot of people talking bad about being gay where I’m from. I’m sure that can happen anywhere though.

I guess it’s more so my family. I want to tell them, but I’m afraid they will react badly.

I think it’s hard for everyone. I just really want to tell my parents. The bad part is I’m 28 and still live with them. I’m afraid they might kick me out if they knew.

Two things to know:

1. Your family knows or they likely suspect that you're gay.
2. There's gay people where you live. Societies and businesses can't function well without them.

The real problem here is that you're 28 and you're still living with your parents. That creates a situation where you're dependent upon them and it makes it more difficult to have independence and the kind of support system that someone who is coming out needs to have in their life.

It's inevitable that your family is going to know and if you want to continue having them in your life (which is your choice as much as it theirs), then you need to do some thinking about your future. That means thinking about your financial situation, your career and whether this is the place you want to live.

Without knowing more about your situation, it's difficult to provide more advice.

 

[southerngayguy92]

Two things to know:

1. Your family knows or they likely suspect that you're gay.
2. There's gay people where you live. Societies and businesses can't function well without them.

The real problem here is that you're 28 and you're still living with your parents. That creates a situation where you're dependent upon them and it makes it more difficult to have independence and the kind of support system that someone who is coming out needs to have in their life.

It's inevitable that your family is going to know and if you want to continue having them in your life (which is your choice as much as it theirs), then you need to do some thinking about your future. That means thinking about your financial situation, your career and whether this is the place you want to live.

Without knowing more about your situation, it's difficult to provide more advice.

Thanks for the reply. It’s not that I couldn’t make it on my own. I just worry about my job finding out and firing me.

 

[KaraBulut]

Thanks for the reply. It’s not that I couldn’t make it on my own. I just worry about my job finding out and firing me.

It's not legal to fire someone because they're gay. But the bigger point is that you shouldn't not do something out of fear of what might happen. That's a double negative but another way to think about it is that you can't spend the rest of your life standing on the diving board shivering... eventually, you gotta jump or get off the board.

There's little doubt that you could make it on your own. But there's a series of steps that you should consider to remove these barriers about how you live your life. If getting independence means getting more money means getting a better job which means getting an education which means... etc, etc etc. Do whatever it takes to get to a point where you have the means to live your life on your own terms.

There's a lot of complications around making changes because of the current economic and pandemic situation. But that doesn't mean you can't do some thinking about your future and coming up with a plan to make changes. You're 28- that's still young but time does have a way of passing quickly, so it's something to think about.

 

[LAPan75]

Which part of the South are you in, because that makes a huge difference.

In LA, the closer to NOLA you are helps
In Bama & MS, might as well find a new Family
In Florida, nothing is normal & all is expected
etc.

 

[BiGuy1970]

I think it’s hard for everyone. I just really want to tell my parents. The bad part is I’m 28 and still live with them. I’m afraid they might kick me out if they knew.

It's just my opinion, but at 28, you should've been gone from the nest a long time ago. Seriously, you're almost 30 and still living with your parents. Getting out on your own will change your life for the better. Not only hopefully making you more responsible and focused. But it'll give you the freedom you're seeking.

 

[Pierresro]

Hey, guys. I’m new here. From the south. I’m struggling to come out to my family. The south isn’t the most gay friendly place. Any other guys from the south having this problem?

I lived for 5 years in Lexington Kentuck not a place one would call tghe south. IO met and knew so many Gay And Straight guys and had safe sex with so many not one poroblem or fight but rural areas I knwo can be unsafe at times!

 

[TX-Beau]

Both of my older brothers and their wives and kids live on the farm with my parents. They're not going to be leaving, they will be running the place when they are living with their kids and grandkids. There is no rule that it's somehow wrong to stick to home.

OK, I grew up on a farm in rural Texas - very conservative, religious Southern Baptist (the gay haters) family. When I came out back in the nineties, about a third tried to expel me, most of my immediate family and cousins around my age were eventually fine with it, and the rest of the family really could give a fuck in the first place.

It was drama and gossip, but then there was other drama, and except for those immediately around me, it just stopped being relevant to their lives. Doesn't mean some of them aren't nasty to this day, but then I like to throw it right in their faces and make them notice it. It amuses me - so I guess that's even. Even in the rural South there is no way to say how your family and friends are going to react.

Rule number one for coming out is that if you think that you are going to get a bad reaction, don't do anything until you are on your own. Get a separate living situation even if you're not living there, because if the worst comes to pass, it will suck ass trying to find someplace on a moment's notice.

The truth of it is that coming out is terrifying to us, and not really so much to other people. Most people might like to gossip, but it really only means something huge to us. We stay in the closet because we are afraid, not because other people force us to stay there. You won't be happy lying to everyone all of your life - living that way is soul destroying, and will ultimately destroy your self respect.

The longer you take, the harder it becomes.

Make a plan for the contingencies and then tell your Mom - but realize, once you tell someone, you are no longer in control of it. Nor should you be really, straight people out themselves a thousand different ways every day, we are the only ones who are taught to hide, and that should really piss you off.

 

[Peloso]

In Florida, nothing is normal & all is expected

........

 

[KaraBulut]

Which part of the South are you in, because that makes a huge difference.

In LA, the closer to NOLA you are helps
In Bama & MS, might as well find a new Family
In Florida, nothing is normal & all is expected
etc.

This reminds me of a Dixie Carter quote, “This is the South and we’re proud of our crazy people. We don’t hide them up in the attic, we bring them right down to the living room to show them off. No one in the South ever asks if you have crazy people in your family, they just ask what side they’re on.”

 

[Queerm]

Hey, guys. I’m new here. From the south. I’m struggling to come out to my family. The south isn’t the most gay friendly place. Any other guys from the south having this problem?

Two things. The first is that your gay desires will never go away. Second people care a lot less than you expect. But best wishes finding a way.