Coming out isn't an option 4 me, pathetic, right?

[SashaLex]

~~~Kinda long, I hope you guys can bear with me, this is the only time I've ever expressed my emotions openly- ~~~

I'm turning 23 in awhile, and for awhile now I've been trying to battle whether or not I'm 'totally, 100%' gay or maybe there's this part of me somewhere somehow that might be straight? Or at least bisexual?

I'm Chinese, raised in this rather conservative south east asian family where homosexuality is not only not accepted, it's practically a death sentence for you if you opt to come out of the closet. It's disappointing, I know, but there is literally NO ONE I know who's gay. You'll always have your suspicion but no matter what, that person can never freely express what he or she feels because of perception of our community.

about 7, 8 years ago, my dad stumbled upon this stash of gay magazines that I kept away. My mum and my elder brother had a 'talk' with me where I insist it's just a phase and it will pass. After that I had myself a girlfriend and hung out with more girls and the topic just died.

All this while I was hoping this 'gay side' of me would die away and I'll start to be attracted to girls more. Around my friends and family I have this macho persona, even to the point of downloading and buying straight porns and leave them all around (my drawers, my com, etc) for them to accidentaly 'stumble' upon. But right now I'm starting to come into this realization that I might just truly be gay no matter how much I want to change this.

However, coming out is not even an option for me. It will TOTALLY kill my parents if I up and come out now, and there are A LOT of my friends who are homophobes. Like real serious homophobes.

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

Remain in the closet forever and eventually marry off to a woman?

I know, I'm pathetic, right?

 

[Horschallen]

Re: Coming out isn't an option 4 me, pathetic, rig

Another type of coming out you may want to consider is coming out of your country to America or Europe. I have had a couple of friends who moved to the USA to experience freedom of their sexuality. One is here as a college student at a large university and the other has a permanent resident status. They still stay in touch with their families and visit them periodically.

 

[ZeoStar]

Re: Coming out isn't an option 4 me, pathetic, rig

If you are in asia still, what the previous poster said is an option you may want to consider. You can't ignore your feelings towards other men for the rest of your life... Well, you can, but that's seriously unhealthy. Leads to other things...

If you're in the USA, you may want to consider doing what I did and start taking steps to being totally independent so that you can come out to them and not be affected at all should they decide to totally flip out and not talk to you.

Either way, my advice is to not try to ignore your obvious attraction to other men.

 

[SashaLex]

Re: Coming out isn't an option 4 me, pathetic, rig

Well, I am right now in Russia, finishing my final year in medical school. And honestly? Even the post communistic, uber conservative Russia has an even more open mind then my country!

Obviously there are some prejudice and bigotry, but overall it's a lot healthier over here.

I've kept my emotions in check all this while, trying very hard to not let it overpower me, but lately I've met with some people (gay Russians) who are very kind, considerate and friendly, amongst whom I feel some connection with, and am considering wether or not to pursue this relationship. If I do... then I would have opened the floodgates and there would be no turning back ever again for me.

You know how in movies about the chinese culture (eg. Disney's Mulan) that go- 'for the honour of the family', I know this sounds corny but in some sense, I do feel the honour of my family does come before my own happiness. I love my parents and if I do come out it will just KILL them.

 

[bokan800]

Re: Coming out isn't an option 4 me, pathetic, rig

You know how in movies about the chinese culture (eg. Disney's Mulan) that go- 'for the honour of the family', I know this sounds corny but in some sense, I do feel the honour of my family does come before my own happiness. I love my parents and if I do come out it will just KILL them.

So you would rather live the life your family wants you to live even if it's miserable rather than follow your own? That's a path to self-destruction.

You're now living far from your family, which means you can make it on your own. If what you say about coming out to them is true, then don't do it. BUT you can go somewhere else where you can be accepted.

 

[G-Lexington]

Re: Coming out isn't an option 4 me, pathetic, rig

Hello, fellow Lex.

It's going to come down to one thing. Whether you feel it's more important to live your life for you or your family. Here in the States, in its ideal state, the family supports the individual, not the other way around. The family is a group of people to fall back on, to provide encouragement, to help us all acheive what we want to and can acheive. And that's played out a lot in my own family. When my sister wanted to be a tunneling engineer - a job almost completely done by men - we told her to go for it, and gave her encouragment when she needed it. Now she's a tunneling engineer - and a damn good one. And when the gargoyle of the family said he was gay, and wanted to do HIS own thing, they supported me, as well.

And it's things like this that make the family unit so strong. It's why when our family gets together for a holiday, we all look forward to going instead of dreading it. Why when my parents call me up needing some favor, I do it right away. Why we see family as a positive nuturing thing rather than some sort of horrible obligation.

My brother, sister and I all dearly love and respect my parents. Not because of some generic feeling of familial obligation or respect of ancestors. But because they EARNED it.

Lex

 

[GBirdie]

Re: Coming out isn't an option 4 me, pathetic, rig

Hey there, South-east Asia eh? I come from there too, and I'm Chinese also by the way. So I understand exactly what you mean so far. Btw, if you don't mind, where exactly are you from?

Well, I know I'm not in the position to talk, since my family might be a little different than yours. But I'm the only child in my family, of course, I'm not out to my parents too...... (I really wonder whether I'd ever tell them in fact).

However after reading what you said, somehow, I wouldn't worry about your parents. If you're SURE you're gay, I think I'd worry about your friends a little more. As you said, they're clearly all homophobes....... do you know ANYONE, at all, that isn't homophobic? What about your best friend, maybe at 23 it's a little hard to get close to friends, but what about those friends that you used to get along so fine with?? If you EVER are gonna come out, I'd suggest you talk to some friends first.

I might have ways a little easier than you, since, most of my friends are the 'carefree' type, that couldn't care less..... so somehow rumours about me passed from one to another, and most of my close friends know by now.

So long

 

[rareboy]

Re: Coming out isn't an option 4 me, pathetic, rig

The honour of family before honesty is crap.

No matter whether it is the social norm or not.

Societies never change unless we change them ourselves. Sometimes to honour truth is the most important thing.

 

[SashaLex]

Re: Coming out isn't an option 4 me, pathetic, rig

Thanks for your advices. Actually I've been having this thought for the longest time- to move out of my country and settle down elsewhere. It'd be tough but I'll try my darnest best.

Anyway, I wanted to share a little about what happened to me about a year ago. I was careless, left my room with my computer on. My friend, A, came in, clicked on some folder and found some of my gay porn pictures.

I didn't know it then, but within 3 days, he went around telling about 7 of my closest friends that I am gay. Plus he did it in a very demeaning way- as in 'He's a gay! We need to confront him and CHANGE him! Praise the Lord, Alleluia!'

During those 3 days I was wondering how come some of my friends were acting strange around me, like having shushed conversations to themselves then dispersing when I enter the room, giving me the cold shoulders on more than one occasion, etc...

It wasn't until the 4th day that A confronted me alone in my room. I was good of course, I said- 'You know how when you visit porn sites you get all these annoying pop ups? Obviously this one one of those!' Laughing it off.

As I mentioned previously, I conveniently leave stashes of straight porn in my room in conspicuous places and proceeded to show him one by one- under my bed, in my drawer, in my piles of DVD, in my computer, etc. 'Does this look like I'm gay to you?' Well, he fell for it. Apologized then went to all my friends one by one and explained the situation.

It didn't hit me until several days after how most of my friends, who thought that I was gay in those few days, shunned me and practically deserted me. For all it's worth, I'm glad it happened because I finally saw through some of the people whom I considered my closest friends all these years.

For GBirdie-
I just checked your profile, and yeah, I'm Malaysian too. I think that you, more than anyone here, will understand the real situation we are in. For goodness' sake, sodomy and any homosexual act in our country is punishable by jail sentence!

You see now what I mean by 'Coming out is totally out of the question right about now'???

 

[lyconthrope]

Re: Coming out isn't an option 4 me, pathetic, rig

this is kind of one of the things that bugs me around here, a lot of people wade in to these threads with the "just do it, be open and live your life, there is nothing scary about coming out, i did it, i dont care if my family like it or not its who i am" stuff.

well, good for you, but do you live in Asia? or South Africa? its all very well to say "you can't live your life for your family" but in this its "can't live your life BECAUSE of your family"

its very easy for people not in the same situation to say "walk away" "fuck'em and do your own thing" its just not that simple!

there are still places in world its illegal, sasha you said yourself it comes with a jail sentance, in some parts of south africa it comes with a death sentance.

but at least now you know where you stand, who you can trust (sadly that seems like no one) and who your real friends are.
best thing for you would be to leave, as soon as you can and as far as you can, and until then i suggest password locks on files you dont want people to see on the computer. or store them all on a pen drive and keep it with you or hide it in a locked box.

 

[fiorio]

Re: Coming out isn't an option 4 me, pathetic, rig

are you living in Indonesia? or Malaysia?

 

[JB1986]

Re: Coming out isn't an option 4 me, pathetic, rig

You know how in movies about the chinese culture (eg. Disney's Mulan) that go- 'for the honour of the family', I know this sounds corny but in some sense, I do feel the honour of my family does come before my own happiness. I love my parents and if I do come out it will just KILL them.

I once thought like that as well. One thing you really need to realize is that you should never sacrifice your own happiness to make someone else happy. Remember, it is YOUR life, not THEIRS. Just make yourself happy.

I wish you all the best!

 

[rareboy]

Re: Coming out isn't an option 4 me, pathetic, rig

You see now what I mean by 'Coming out is totally out of the question right about now'???

No.

Except that you're so emotionally needy that you would sacrifice your soul to hang onto your asshole friends.

And now you've actively lied to them.

Sorry. It is not easy to sympathize. You had an opportunity to help people understand that being gay doesn't mean you are inferior or that your friendship should change.

You threw that away.

 

[954dude]

Re: Coming out isn't an option 4 me, pathetic, rig

I do understand your situation. I'm a Jamaican (very homophobic society) of Black & South Asian heritage. As a religious Hindu, I'm involved in local temples and events within the community. Being openly bisexual and of mixed ethnicity, it's never been easy for me. There's discrimination, but I fight it off, because I'm not a coward and I refuse to let ignorance prevail.

Coming out isn't easy. Hiding your feelings to please others and pretend to be someone you aren't is very easy. Around the world in many places, it's illegal or a death sentence to be openly GLBT. But it's very illegal to yourself to not express who you are and be free.

Those who won't accept you for your sexuality aren't good enough to be in your life. Trust me, you're better off without them. Regardless of the outcome, you have to be honest with everyone. No need to impress the ones who love you. They need to be supportive, not discouraging.

There needs to be an uproar of some sorts in these societies. I do think honour, morals, and culture are important, but not at the expense of someone's happiness and well-being. Not even with sexuality, but basic human rights aren't being met with this kind of treatment that continues to happen.

Coming out IS an option and you will do it when the time is right.

 

[SashaLex]

Re: Coming out isn't an option 4 me, pathetic, rig

I didn't realize how supportive and how great the people on this site would be! Honestly! I've gotten so much helpful advices and I totally didn't expect it.

Anyway, generally I am not a very hateful person. I just think it's a waste of time to be hating on people. Those friends of mine, initially I was pretty angry with them, but after awhile I thought- are they really to be blamed? In my society, we were brought up to think that homosexuality is not of the norm. And being a Christian myself, (my friends are all christians too) we even listen to sermons where, you know, sometimes homosexual acts are condemned.

Like I said, it opened my eyes to the kinds of persons they are. But that one incident is not going to be enough to make me want to sever my ties with them forever. Would 1 experience be enough to negate 5, 6 years of friendship? I didn't really think so.

But either way, I get what you guys are saying. And yeah, I am planning on moving to Europe soon after I graduate. Maybe THEN I might be able to find hapiness and love?