Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

[jdcnow]

OK, this is pretty much what I believe to be the final copy...

Hi, Mom.

I love you, and I hope this letter finds you doing well.

There is something that I need to tell you, so that I may unburden myself before I go through with this foot surgery.

There comes a time point in all of our lives when we suddenly feel that our attention has been gotten, and that there are matters to be addressed before moving forward. For me, this is one of those times.

I thought it best to tell you this in letter form, so that I could say completely what I need to say to you.

You know that I moved to Dallas – it’ll be two years in July – seeking a better life for myself. Through a solid work ethic, and hanging in there, I have indeed found that better life. I have also spent the last two years healing from the old wounds and the old damage of the moderate and distant past. It has been a long, and often grueling road, with often 19-22 hour workdays, consecutively. But I know I’m getting where I want and need to go.

While I have worked hard to get where I’m at – in college, and holding down two jobs, I think it’s time for me to work and push just as hard in a different direction of my life – me. For as long as I can remember, I have been governed by fear, and shame, and in an embarrassment of other people’s opinion of me, and a lack of self-worth, and self-respect as a result. I have also lived alone – not even close acquaintances outside of work, just like you have. I have now come to the conclusion that my being alone in life is costing me too high a price for me to pay – my happiness. And frankly, it is also putting my future success and everything I’m working so hard for at risk, also. It is fundamentally unhealthy to my continued life in this world.

I think that here, at age 30, it is time for me to seek a personal and, frankly, adult relationship of my very own, with the person of my choosing, whom I decide. While I know that we, as family, couldn’t do any better living in a small town with no financial way out throughout most of my 20s; now that I am in the city, with so much opportunity for advancement in every aspect of my life literally at my fingertips, I feel that I now have a responsibility, indeed a mandate to salvage what youth I have left, and to take on an intimate partner of my choosing, and enjoy my life. I fully intend to start searching for a man of quality to have a relationship with, and to share my life with. And not if, but when it becomes legal for us to marry, I intend to do just that. This is one of the main things I want for myself, in addition to the professional dream of weather forecasting that I am working so hard toward.

Furthermore, I feel that I have allowed fear and an internal shame inside myself toward myself govern and control my perception of everyone and everything. This must not continue. And it will not. I must and do accept myself as-is. Regardless of anyone else thinks or says. "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Dr. Seuss. It is time for me to be who I am.

I choose to not just exist on this planet, but to truly live.
I choose progress, and not stagnation.
I choose happiness, and not anguish.
I choose pride, and not shame.
I choose to walk in power, and not in fear. Not anymore.
As the vow on the inside of my ring is inscribed, “I Choose To Fight”.

Please know that I am well. And safe. And happy. And I am going to have this surgery on my foot. And I’m going to be just fine.

I’d like to know your thoughts.

Hug the dog for me. I love you all.
-Joe.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

THAT sounds AWESOME. Good luck!!! Let us know how it turns out!!!

 

[palbert]

Go with it. Too much overthinking is counterproductive.

Like it by the way.

Good luck next Thursday.

 

[palbert]

Can you share the reaction to the letter?

 

[jdcnow]

Can you share the reaction to the letter?

I'm anticipating a negative reaction to the letter. As such, I think it wise to let my mom contact me when she wants to, and not the other way around. I will call her before my surgery and tell her I love her, though.

 

[layton]

Have you sent the letter, and when is your surgery. By the way good luck. A bit cryptic in the first draft, but I understood the second draft better.

 

[jdcnow]

The letter is out in the mail. I've told my mom this letter is coming, for her to just read it, and if she wants to talk about it, to call me.

 

[layton]

The letter is out in the mail. I've told my mom this letter is coming, for her to just read it, and if she wants to talk about it, to call me.

Good luck then, make sure to let us know how it goes.

 

[Benvolio]

I was late reading your letter, but I will make my comments anyway. Much of the frustration which parents feel over gay children stems from the mistaken belief that the child has chosen to be gay. Their inevitable reaction is negative. Your letter, it seems to me, by reciting what you have chosen, will serve to convince her that you have chosen to be gay, frustrating her hopes for grandchildren etc. The next time you get a chance, I think you should emphasize that you did not choose to be gay, and cannot choose to be straight; that no one knows why some people are born gay, but it was not the fault of the parents.

 

[jdcnow]

^ Thanks for writing. My mom actually really doesn't want anymore grandkids - in her words, she's "too old to keep 'em!" I'm kinda mixed on having kids at all myself, but I know it won't be anytime soon. So on that point, we're actually good.

I think she ***kinda*** already knows. Down through the years, she's noticed (and cheap-shotly criticized) certain things about me. Like I said, I'm anticipating a negative reaction/the cold shoulder from her on this, when she reads it. /shrugs...

With this letter, I put the ball in her court - If she would like to continue to have me as her son, she's more than welcome to it. But if not, the part I added at the 11th hour right before I printed it, immediately before the Dr. Seuss quote makes it plain and clear... “This surgery has wised me up to the fact that I am entirely too young at age 30 to already have deep regrets about not enjoying my life. No more. Just no more.”

And I meant every word of that. Period.

I've never had a partner (boyfriend or girlfriend) of any kind. Ever.
I've been repeatedly told down through the years that if anyone ever got to know me in person, they'd hate me.
I've never even left my house/apartment if it wasn't for work or shopping before or some necessity before.

Bottom Line >> This surgery has awakened me to the fact that I don't want to die alone - which is exactly where I was headed. This surgery has awakened me to the fact that I don't want to die not having done anything and not having really enjoyed my life ever - which is exactly where I was headed.

I know that I come from a small town and an economically/financially poor background, where I couldn't really do any better until an opportunity to move away presented itself. But now that it has, and that I'm in the city, with opportunity to work toward and eventually live my occupational dream, and opportunity to explore my sexuality and find the love of a good man, it would be a severe disservice to myself to not aggressively pursue both for myself.

 

[jdcnow]

Well, I sent the letter certified mail with my verification that she got it. I checked online, and she does indeed have the letter. She's likely read it, by now. But I want to wait and see what she does, if she'll make the first move.

 

[Seasoned]

Best wishes with the surgery. I hope your mom choses love over prejudice, but I'm glad you plan on moving forward.

 

[bankside]

You wrote the letter for you, and for the reason that most people come out. To show you have some generosity of spirit, and to know that you have the character to reach out. At this point a response hardly matters, because the ball is in her court. She will be the one wondering if she has the character to reach back.

 

[jdcnow]

Oh yes, I plan on moving forward either way. Trust and believe - I will move forward.

My boss/friend that I housekeep for goes back to the town my mom lives in to see about an elderly disabled friend of his. As my boss's personal assistant, one of my responsibilities is to go with him when he goes down there, whenever possible.

He's planning a trip down there for sometime in the next 72 hours. So ill get to visit my mom in person one last time before my surgery.

I wonder how she'll react to me being at her house.

Will she still love me or disown me? I'll find out, surely.

But even if she chooses to burn the bridge, I have a responsibility to myself and to my happiness in life.

I will move on, and I will survive.

 

[jdcnow]

Update - On the way to my mom's with my boss, right now. Will have a reaction by late tonight.

Here goes nothing...

 

[borg69unimatrix]

My mom took it really hard at first, and was in a don't ask don't tell mode for years after... but she came around. In fact my parents just left here. My BF and I made her dinner for her birthday. We had a great time.

If your mom is gruff at first, it doesn't mean she won't wear down eventually. Give her time.

 

[jdcnow]

Well, I have to give her a pass on this one. She was sleep and I found out from my brother that she's been sick. She would only answer my questions with grunts. So this a push - no win, no loss. I did leave a note behind...

Hey Mom,

Sorry I missed you. Heard you were sick. Feel better soon. I'm doing just fine. Foot surgery this Friday. Excited and looking forward to it. I hope you got the letter I sent. If you ever want to call me...

(Wrote my cell number down.)

Be well.

Hugs and love,
Joe.

I talked with my brother some, he's s good. He I don't think, knows about what was in the letter I sent.

I actually tried finding it, but she has such a menagerie of mail and papers everywhere, it's a mess. So I don't know if she kept the letter, or threw it in the trash.

So, yet again, I have no emotional closure to fall back on in a given situation. Again.

This visit simply reinforced the fact that I have never been emotionally close to another human being on a family level ever in my life.

And that honestly kinda worries me. I've never been shown proper relational and relationship skills in the biological family I come from. I worry that that sets me up for failure for when I do eventually land a boyfriend - I don't want to be emotionally distant and estranged like my family was with me. But the opposite of that is to end up being emotionally clingy and needy.

It just aggrivates me that yet again, the family unit I come from didn't do what it's supposed to do, I the individual am left to foot the emotional and psychological bill in isolation and not knowing how to relate to people.

 

[bankside]

And that honestly kinda worries me. I've never been shown proper relational and relationship skills in the biological family I come from. I worry that that sets me up for failure for when I do eventually land a boyfriend - I don't want to be emotionally distant and estranged like my family was with me. But the opposite of that is to end up being emotionally clingy and needy.

One of the ways that can set you up for failure is by making you second-guess yourself.

I have one good example of relationship skills in my family - one set of grandparents who died a long time ago - and everyone else is a clusterfuck. It doesn't matter that they were related to me - they would still be a good example even if they were just neighbours or something. I do whatever I can to pass on what I remember about them to my sister. And you are absolutely right about the opposite of something wrong being also wrong.

I think you're in a good place to find the middle ground.

 

[palbert]

Any update? Any response from your Mom?

 

[jdcnow]

I actually haven't heard back from her. She has my cell phone number and my mailing address. Because it's geographically so far away from where I live, the only time I ever get to go down there in person is when my housekeeping job's boss goes down there. (He has a an elderly disabled vet friend he takes care of, and he buys groceries for the guy up here in the city, and every first of the month, when the social security and VA pension checks come in, transports them himself down there, and usually has me to go with.)

Like me, she has an overnight job - oddly enough, within the same company as me, just at a different store location. So I really never know when an appropriate time is to call her - us graveyarders, daytime is basically nighttime for us. So I never know when she's up.

Even when I lived at home, my DNA family has always basically been amicable strangers. She has her life, and I've had mine, and my brother has his. We're 3 related strangers with our own lives, friends, and things going on.

I mean, I don't know... /shrugs...

But I've chosen to let sleeping dogs lie, here. Don't start any mess, and there won't be any mess.

And besides, in the event that her opinion of me being gay is negative, I actually don't have time for it. I just don't. I've got my own life here in Dallas - my own life, my own forward progress to make, and my own bills to pay. (Matter of fact, I just got interrupted by a bill collector on the phone as I'm in the middle of typing this post.)