coming out necessary

[Nice Boy]

Hello guys.

After reading some threads, I became more and more convinced that you cant really be in a serious relationship without coming out to your friends and family. You also cannot be really free without doing that.

Because of that (but not only) I plan to come out to my friends in forthcoming months (I just need an appropriate occasion) and then next year, probably in February or early March to come out to my parents and sister. In late February or early March, I will be having job for at least few months and in January it will be my birthday and I want to come after that so my birthday would not be an anniversary of coming out too (yeah, a bit strange). BTW, I will turn 24 next year.

Even though I'm out to about 5 people, I need to widen the circles.

However when I sometimes felt I wanted to come out to my friends, I had a quite high stress level which didn't allow me to do so.

Question: Is there a good way to relieve that stress?

Thank you

 

[TX-Beau]

Unfortunately no. For all of us when we were where you are now, the fear defended itself.

But you can do it, it's your life, your prerogative, and ultimately your courage.

If you feel you absolutely can't do it in person, you might let the friends that already know let it out. I assume these people are your best friends, and really that might be easier for you. I might have gone that route, but after I started, the relief was so huge I'd told pretty much everyone in about two weeks.

Say it with me

"...it's my life, my terms and I refuse to hide anymore..."

 

[TNniceguy]

TX-Beau is right. The fear is really overwhelming but it is your life. It took me 42 years and a ton of wasted time to reach that conclusion.

My advice is to start slow with the people you absolutely know that will be supportive and build from there.

Good luck my friend. As the saying goes, it gets better.

 

[Rolyo85]

Just do it online. I came out to my best friend on Skype. True, most of my closest friends are in my home country, so I didn't have a choice, but still, it's a decent way, when it's not your immediate family.

As for how to avoid the tension - just do it quick. For a summary of how it went with me, check out my story here:

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=354198

(yes, I DO never get tired of reposting my first topic here. Judge all you want)

 

[chance1]

very cool

you're on your way

bumps for sure but ........... you will look back and think

now that wasn't so hard

good luck

 

[Seasoned]

I'd say you ought to worry more about your stress level than about your proposed timeline. Taking good care of yourself might mean coming out when the time seems right. Once you've made the decision the tension might mount. That will subside as those you tell react positively. It's your fear of the unknown that's causing the stress.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Nice Boy,

I fully agree with you that a guy cannot be in a serious relationship with another guy as long as he is closeted. Besides that, your life will be much, much less stressfull as soon as you don't need to bother anymore about sexual orientation. I mean, you are a nice guy who happens to be gay. Does not mean you need to walk around with a rainbow (or with a cap with 'I am gay'), but is just means you don't need to be anymore a 'pretending straight guy without a girlfriend'. Please be aware as well that quite alot of people don't care at all if you are gay or straight. They care much more how you are.

On average, how many times a day one of your straight friends will casually mention to anyone else (the existence of) his girlfriend? (assuming you have a few of such straight friends who have a girlfriend)

On the other hand, having a boyfriend, or dating a guy is a way / a method to open yourself to quite a few people. I mean, there will be various opportunities when Y will 'pop up' in any casual conversation

You: 'Yeah, that's Y, and we are dating at the moment'.

Him/they: ', uh, you are dating a guy?'

You: 'yeah'.

Him/they: 'so you are gay?'

You; 'yeah.'

Him/they: (....).

Be aware that more people then just 5 will already know that you are gay. Did telling them changed anything in their relation / behaviour towards them? Any idea how your parents will react? I tend to think you should tell your parents quite soon? [news will go around].

Telling people ASAP will mean the time you still need to cope with stress will be much less. Towards my opinion, such stress is not good / unhealthy. Tell them ASAP will also mean you are 'opening yourself' to the world, so also more chance to meet a nice buddy. That boyfriend can be everywhere, even in the nearby shop, but he must be able to identify you.

Finally, be aware that it is often very, very tough to find these 'appropriate occasions' to tell your friends that you are gay. Likely (?), there are as well 1,000+ excuses to decide 'ah, this is not the right time / appropriate occasions', and then a week ((or so) will go on with the high stress level.

Hey man, you are 23, and that's a good age to let people know you are gay, and to try and find a nice guy / some nice gay friends etc.

Best wishes, and feel free to ask for more details.

 

[TX-Beau]

You don't want to waste valuable youth on the closet.

talk to the guys in here who came out in their 40's - they pretty much all regret not having a gay youth.

 

[glasvegas]

Good luck bud! I am slowly coming out too. It is a long process.

 

[Dolmance]

It's absolutely true; it's almost impossible to be in a serious relationship when you're not comfortable with your own sexuality, and when it is a source of constant stress and conscious fear. The pressure one places on the relationship when one is constantly worrying, second guessing, trying to maintain the facade is too much. Furthermore, if one party is out, it simply becomes insulting; one cannot expect a romantic partner to be complicit in "hiding" the relationship, pretending to be "just a friend" when around others without feeling like baggage or a source of shame.

I know this because I have made the mistake of becoming involved with closeted guys in the past, the experience of which has led me to the new personal rule: never again. If someone demonstrates a willingness to work towards coming out and genuinely wants it, then that's fine; otherwise, forget it; we can't possibly go anywhere, especially since I like to celebrate my relationships.