Coming Out Need alot of help...

[squirtman270]

Over the past couple of months, it has been pretty tough on me discovering my feelings and living my life as who I am. I am in first year of University and there is alot of exposure to sex now, such as clubs, and so on. Before, the topic of sex and women would never come up, but recently with my friends I have noticed that more and more times it has come up and every time I feel in such an akward place.

I have a group of 4 REALLY CLOSE friends I have met this year in Universtiy. Of those 4, 2 of them I am really close to and I feel I could tell them anything. 1 is a girl, and 1 is a guy. The girl is a kind person, very caring and me and her have a really good relationship. I love her for who she is, and we always have a blast but I have no sexual desires for her. I always look out for her, and I think I might be misleading her, at a club night she was making out with a guy, and I was ticked off at her, because she told me that she hated that guy. Did I care that she was making out with a guy? Not really.. But I know that guy is a player and I was mad that she would actually fall for him. Further more, the guy would always try to rub it in my face that her and him were talking and such, and it just ticked me off and I tried to watch out for her because I don’t want her to get hurt. Now, it seems as though my friends think I like her. And its just like crap. I think she is getting feelings for me, and I don’t want to hurt her at all... Because there is no feelings for her other than as a good friend... And I don’t think im ready to explain my whole reasoning about telling her I don’t like her... because of my sexuality... She is also always saying oh that persons gay! Etc. It doesn’t bother me, but the fact that she says that sorta does not want me to come out to her. I don’t want to hurt her.

On the other hand, the guy that I am very close to, we spend alot of time together working out, the gym, and studying and I honestly look at the guy like my big brother. He has a girlfriend and it doesn’t bother me at all, he is ALWAYS looking out for me, and if I ever needed anything I could talk to him about it. I respect the guy, ALOT. But I do sort of have feelings for him........... I sort of want to come out to him, because he always had my back, ALWAYS, this guy would actually kill a kid for me if stuff were to go down and a fight were to break loose, and I would do the same for him. He has defended the homosexuals a couple of times within our group of friends which makes me feel he is someone I want to come out to.
The only reason I want to come out is to relieve my stress. Over the past couple of months I have found it harder and harder to focus when I’m studying because all I can think about is my sexuality, my future, and what I am going to do with my life. I don’t see the point in studying and such towards school because I just don’t see a point in my life to be honest. My family has voiced that homosexuals are weird, many, many, many, many times. And I don’t want to let down the family, but I also don’t want to live a miserable life. I have felt depression many times throughout this past year, and suicide HAS come up a couple times although I have never attempted it.. I really want to come out to my guy friend because I think he is the only one who could understand.

I have not come out to him yet because everytime I do feel depressed about my sexuality it is exam time and the last thing I want to do is put shit on him when exams are coming up. I respect the guy a ton, and I feel that if he doesn’t know this about me, that it’s not fair to him to be my friend. We’re like brothers, and I love the guy, I would kill someone for him and yes thats even knowing he doesn’t have feelings like I do for him. I don’t think I will ever push it with him because I value our friendship alot and he has taught me alot about myself. I plan on telling him after exams, but I don’t even know if I will have the courage to do that. This guy is so heart filled, at clubs he tries his hardest and goes out of his way to try to hook me up with every chick possible, and even though I don’t want to lol. I know this guy has my back for literally everything, but im not sure about this one... and I’m sorta scared what will happen to our friendship if I do let it all out to him. Sometimes its just better to keep your friends and let them believe what they want, then tell them the truth and lose them? I don’t know...

What the hell do I do?... I am so confused, its been almost a year I have felt like this, I kept it bottled inside but I guess I just have to let it out somewhere and ask for help. What do i do?

Thanks to anyone who replies.

 

[squirtman270]

By the way, I am extremely straight acting, and I think no one thinks a thing, I guess that im just good at hiding it? haha, but not really, I'm not into the whole feminine thing, I feel a guy should act like a guy. So... that being said I think it will come out as a huge surprise to everyone if I come out.

The only real weird thing that people might think I am gayt is the fact that I have never had a girlfriend,...

 

[Seasoned]

The problem with keeping sexual orientation from loved ones is the message you give yourself. You make being gay wrong, dirty, and somehow defective, none of which is true of course. It's like you are hiding in the bushes of your own mind. Unless a person has to for safety reasons, fear of death or imprisonment why impose this mental torture on one's self? And, of course, the longer the secret goes, the more impossible it becomes to come out.

I look at it this way with all the people in my life. If someone can't accept my sexual orientation he or she is not deserving of my friendship. Being gay is normal for a certain per cent of the population. I want to gravitate towards people with similar value systems to my own. Afterall, I'm not a cat killer, for chrissake. I'm just a guy trying to live my life the way I've been programmed to do.

 

[squirtman270]

The problem with keeping sexual orientation from loved ones is the message you give yourself. You make being gay wrong, dirty, and somehow defective, none of which is true of course. It's like you are hiding in the bushes of your own mind. Unless a person has to for safety reasons, fear of death or imprisonment why impose this mental torture on one's self? And, of course, the longer the secret goes, the more impossible it becomes to come out.

I look at it this way with all the people in my life. If someone can't accept my sexual orientation he or she is not deserving of my friendship. Being gay is normal for a certain per cent of the population. I want to gravitate towards people with similar value systems to my own. Afterall, I'm not a cat killer, for chrissake. I'm just a guy trying to live my life the way I've been programmed to do.

Yeah, your right...

The only reason why I want to come out is because of the mental torture that keeps happening to me, constantly I just think about it and can go hours upon hours just reflecting on my life, my friends, and what would happen to them. I'm someone who does alot of things for my friends, and I dont know why... But I look at being gay and being friends with someone something that is looked down upon, I know I shouldn't but I guess its brainwashed into my head.

I look at it like a disability, I was born with it, I can't change it.. And people have to baby me because I am like this, and be careful with what they say around me like accidentilly saying gay or something, and I don't want to be the baby that everyone has to take care of and make sure my feelings arent hurt.

I dont know, I guess that im just confused..

Also, I've tried pushing my guy friend for his sake so he doesnt have to deal with this but I just cant and he always wants to hang out and whatever.

Thanks ALOT for the reply though.

 

[anchihiro]

Come out.

Start with the person you think will be the most excepting even if its not your family or best friend. If they're your friend they wont care.

If you dont come out in university you'll miss out on living. Uni can be an amazing experience but everyday is like playing a game of chess or something, always having to double think and choose your words carefully all the time is exhausting.
Coming out is like a bandaid. You just have to go for it, because the more you think about it, the bigger the problem it becomes. I think you'll be surprised at how excepting some people can be.
But also note, you might have great people in your life who might not except you. They'll disappear.
But people forget or think thats it, no more great friends after this. Wrong.
After you come out you'll still continuously meet new people who'll know about you and not care.

One brave step at a time. Good luck.

 

[squirtman270]

Come out.

Start with the person you think will be the most excepting even if its not your family or best friend. If they're your friend they wont care.

If you dont come out in university you'll miss out on living. Uni can be an amazing experience but everyday is like playing a game of chess or something, always having to double think and choose your words carefully all the time is exhausting.
Coming out is like a bandaid. You just have to go for it, because the more you think about it, the bigger the problem it becomes. I think you'll be surprised at how excepting some people can be.
But also note, you might have great people in your life who might not except you. They'll disappear.
But people forget or think thats it, no more great friends after this. Wrong.
After you come out you'll still continuously meet new people who'll know about you and not care.

One brave step at a time. Good luck.

Thanks, And I hope what you say is true about everyone being so accepting...

The last thing I want is to come out, and then lose all my friends.. ALL my friends think I'm straight, all of them. So it will be a big surprise to them..

 

[MarquisOrias]

you will lose some, and others you will remain friends with.

Today my sister kept pecking at me asking why I don't have a girlfriend etc. I just blurted out "I don't like chicks", coming out to her, after many more questions she was like "oh ok" and accepted it. She's not very religious though so she doesn't care about the invisible side of our life
Funnily enough it wasn't this adrenelin pumping moment I thought it would be, in fact my heart didn't skip a beat nor did I feel any different. It was just like a normal convo. I'm sure though with my parents (being mega religious) it'll be a heated argument ;p

 

[squirtman270]

you will lose some, and others you will remain friends with.

Today my sister kept pecking at me asking why I don't have a girlfriend etc. I just blurted out "I don't like chicks", coming out to her, after many more questions she was like "oh ok" and accepted it. She's not very religious though so she doesn't care about the invisible side of our life
Funnily enough it wasn't this adrenelin pumping moment I thought it would be, in fact my heart didn't skip a beat nor did I feel any different. It was just like a normal convo. I'm sure though with my parents (being mega religious) it'll be a heated argument ;p

My sister does that too haha, except at family dinners......

And after the dinner I just feel like killing her. lol
But if anything I think SHE will be the one that will make it heated, she has such negative views on this topic and shes always like OMG that guys gay and what not... And my parents tend to follow what she says. but it is what it is.

Thanks for the input!

 

[MarquisOrias]

Yeah my boss is the same. At my work, nothing but homophobia, the idiot doesn't realise he has one working for him under his nose. I can't help but chuckle at that thought.

 

[wastedtime]

I think you need to meet more gay people, and get more ok with yourself.

There are a couple of things you've said in this thread that make me think you are still not ok with this yourself. That you are projecting your own preconceptions onto your friends.

"I look at it like a disability, I was born with it, I can't change it.. And people have to baby me because I am like this, and be careful with what they say around me like accidentilly saying gay or something, and I don't want to be the baby that everyone has to take care of and make sure my feelings arent hurt." A Disability? That is not a term usually used by someone comfortable with their sexuality. Also about having to "baby" you, I'm not sure why you would assume that, do you feel all gays need to be babied emotionally?

"By the way, I am extremely straight acting, and I think no one thinks a thing, I guess that im just good at hiding it? haha, but not really, I'm not into the whole feminine thing, I feel a guy should act like a guy. So... that being said I think it will come out as a huge surprise to everyone if I come out." This statement leads me to saying you need to try to become friends with more people who are gay. You still seem to buy into the old "flaming queen" stereotype and are projecting that onto your friends.

As far as what you shoud do? If you are comfortable coming out to your guy friend, and it sounds like you are, then do it. It doesn't have to be a big serious "sit down we have to talk" conversation.

As far as your friend who is a girl. I'm not sure why you are less comfortable coming out to her, but she at least deserves the repect of you being honest with her. even if you don't tell her, let her know that your feelings for her are only friendship.

 

[squirtman270]

I think you need to meet more gay people, and get more ok with yourself.

There are a couple of things you've said in this thread that make me think you are still not ok with this yourself. That you are projecting your own preconceptions onto your friends.
Yeah, maybe thats it.. I dont have a single close friend that I know is gay. I dunno, i guess i'm just not exposed to that stuff, and my exposure to them is negative because of my upbringing.



"I look at it like a disability, I was born with it, I can't change it.. And people have to baby me because I am like this, and be careful with what they say around me like accidentilly saying gay or something, and I don't want to be the baby that everyone has to take care of and make sure my feelings arent hurt." A Disability? That is not a term usually used by someone comfortable with their sexuality. Also about having to "baby" you, I'm not sure why you would assume that, do you feel all gays need to be babied emotionally?
No, its just theres somethings you don't say to certain people. Such as the N word to African Americans, but in your group of friends, sometimes you joke around and throw it in you know as a joke you what I mean? And I don't want to ruin the whole joking vibe that our friends have because of me. I'm not saying every gay guy is like this and I didn't mean it like that and if I offended you I apologize, im sure if I become more comfortable with my sexuality as I age if my buddies make fun of me because i'm gay I'd just make fun of him because he likes small titties or something. But in time I guess it'll come if I become more comfortable with this.


"By the way, I am extremely straight acting, and I think no one thinks a thing, I guess that im just good at hiding it? haha, but not really, I'm not into the whole feminine thing, I feel a guy should act like a guy. So... that being said I think it will come out as a huge surprise to everyone if I come out." This statement leads me to saying you need to try to become friends with more people who are gay. You still seem to buy into the old "flaming queen" stereotype and are projecting that onto your friends.
Again, I still believe your right, i'm not even exposed to this side of myself and sorry if I sounded arrogant.




As far as what you shoud do? If you are comfortable coming out to your guy friend, and it sounds like you are, then do it. It doesn't have to be a big serious "sit down we have to talk" conversation.
Why not? Thats the plan so far after exams, I don't think its something I could just throw out there "Oh im gay haha." I think he deserves an explanation and I think he could help me out with this stuff.

As far as your friend who is a girl. I'm not sure why you are less comfortable coming out to her, but she at least deserves the repect of you being honest with her. even if you don't tell her, let her know that your feelings for her are only friendship.
Yeah, I told her that I don't value her anymore than a friend but we'll see..


Thanks alot for your reply and taking time out of your day, means alot.

 

[wastedtime]

Why not? Thats the plan so far after exams, I don't think its something I could just throw out there "Oh im gay haha." I think he deserves an explanation and I think he could help me out with this stuff.

I didn't say it couldn't, just meant if you weren't comfortable with that thought it didn't have to be like that. I think you are going to feel a lot of relief when this is out on the table. I remember going away to college, and worrying about who I could/should tell. After letting my roommate know (he was great about it, and is still a good friend) it all seemed easier, and as time went on, I wondered why I had felt it was such a big deal. There were some people who reacted badly but I've come to learn some people are just asses.

Oh and as far as offending me, ya didn't, it was more of an I recognize what you're doing cuz I've done it.

 

[squirtman270]

Why not? Thats the plan so far after exams, I don't think its something I could just throw out there "Oh im gay haha." I think he deserves an explanation and I think he could help me out with this stuff.

I didn't say it couldn't, just meant if you weren't comfortable with that thought it didn't have to be like that. I think you are going to feel a lot of relief when this is out on the table. I remember going away to college, and worrying about who I could/should tell. After letting my roommate know (he was great about it, and is still a good friend) it all seemed easier, and as time went on, I wondered why I had felt it was such a big deal. There were some people who reacted badly but I've come to learn some people are just asses.

Oh and as far as offending me, ya didn't, it was more of an I recognize what you're doing cuz I've done it.

haha, good to hear, and thanks alot for the response, it helped alot. I still have to sum up the courage to do this though, haha..

But did you tell your roomate out of your own sake? To feel better? I don't know I feel like tellin my buddy because yes it will probably make me feel better, but I also feel like its not fair for him to not know you know what I mean?

Nonetheless, thanks alot for your input, it is truly appreciated

 

[chance1]

I understand your situation - went through it not that long ago

My learnings from it are:

My expectations of their reactions were generally off - for good and bad

My concern that people would view me/treat me differently - or drop me as a friend - were unwarranted

It was a "big deal" to me but not so much to others - people are generally self absorbed really - and another's sexuality is not priority 1 to them

I had a relatively good friend, or so I thought, who was seemingly liberal minded, who disappointed me greatly with his lack of acceptance

And truthfully I am not as close with some as I was - but not sure that it was them so much as me or us

Bottom line - it was good for me to do so - should have done it sooner - if i could do it over again ........... i would have done so sooner

good luck

 

[TimWhite07]

You have to go at your own pace. Like others have said you dont need to make it a big seen. But dont feel you have to rush it. If you do that you get the mentality that it is a big deal, that it is going to throw some burden on someone.

The people that love you no matter what, the ones that have your back, will love you still. The ones that care that you like guys, they dont deserve to be your friend. You sound like your a great guy. You sound like a caring and sincere guy.

As for not really know any gay people that is an easy fix. Google it. I dont know where you live. But google Gay neighborhoods in your city. Go to a gay bar. Meet and talk to people. Another way to meet people is to find out if your school has any gay straight alliance. Most do now-a-days. Go there. They can help you with coming out. But also it will show you what other gay people are like. Not all of us are the "Flaming Queen" type. But some of us are. To each his own.

The point is be who you are. Dont let other people's feeling influence your life. Lives like that will only hurt you in the end. Your try and make everyone happy and you become unhappy.

Come out when you are ready and when you feel it is the right time. You can get all the advice that you want, but in the end you have to be ready. You happy to be ready for what ever happens. Hopefully everything that comes of it is good and positive. But you have to be ready if something does not end the way you would like it.

If one of your friends does turn away. Dont get angry with them. it might just be shock. They might just need time to process it. Dont give up on people. If you get mad, it could ruin any chance of them coming back to you.

I hope i helped a little bit. I dont know to much about the coming out. It just happened for me. Then i just never denied after that.

 

[wastedtime]

But did you tell your roomate out of your own sake? To feel better? I don't know I feel like tellin my buddy because yes it will probably make me feel better, but I also feel like its not fair for him to not know you know what I mean?

I told him because he kept trying to get me to hook up with his gf's friends. And because he asked where I was going when I was going out. But mainly I told him because we were friends, and I felt like not telling him was lying to him.

 

[squirtman270]

I understand your situation - went through it not that long ago

My learnings from it are:

My expectations of their reactions were generally off - for good and bad

My concern that people would view me/treat me differently - or drop me as a friend - were unwarranted

It was a "big deal" to me but not so much to others - people are generally self absorbed really - and another's sexuality is not priority 1 to them

I had a relatively good friend, or so I thought, who was seemingly liberal minded, who disappointed me greatly with his lack of acceptance

And truthfully I am not as close with some as I was - but not sure that it was them so much as me or us

Bottom line - it was good for me to do so - should have done it sooner - if i could do it over again ........... i would have done so sooner

good luck

Thanks for your input buddy, and it does sort of scare me that some of your good friends did turn away.. Thats the one thing I don't think I could bare, but it is what it is... You can't please everyone right?

You have to go at your own pace. Like others have said you dont need to make it a big seen. But dont feel you have to rush it. If you do that you get the mentality that it is a big deal, that it is going to throw some burden on someone.

The people that love you no matter what, the ones that have your back, will love you still. The ones that care that you like guys, they dont deserve to be your friend. You sound like your a great guy. You sound like a caring and sincere guy.

As for not really know any gay people that is an easy fix. Google it. I dont know where you live. But google Gay neighborhoods in your city. Go to a gay bar. Meet and talk to people. Another way to meet people is to find out if your school has any gay straight alliance. Most do now-a-days. Go there. They can help you with coming out. But also it will show you what other gay people are like. Not all of us are the "Flaming Queen" type. But some of us are. To each his own.

The point is be who you are. Dont let other people's feeling influence your life. Lives like that will only hurt you in the end. Your try and make everyone happy and you become unhappy.

Come out when you are ready and when you feel it is the right time. You can get all the advice that you want, but in the end you have to be ready. You happy to be ready for what ever happens. Hopefully everything that comes of it is good and positive. But you have to be ready if something does not end the way you would like it.

If one of your friends does turn away. Dont get angry with them. it might just be shock. They might just need time to process it. Dont give up on people. If you get mad, it could ruin any chance of them coming back to you.

I hope i helped a little bit. I dont know to much about the coming out. It just happened for me. Then i just never denied after that.

Thanks for your input, it was greatly appreciated but I don't think i'm even close to the stage where I could go to a gay bar and meet people yet, yeah it sounds fun to me, but... There is no way i'm ready, thanks for your input though. Was truly helpful.

But did you tell your roomate out of your own sake? To feel better? I don't know I feel like tellin my buddy because yes it will probably make me feel better, but I also feel like its not fair for him to not know you know what I mean?

I told him because he kept trying to get me to hook up with his gf's friends. And because he asked where I was going when I was going out. But mainly I told him because we were friends, and I felt like not telling him was lying to him.

That made me chuckle... That exactly like my buddy, trying to get me to hook up with every single chick haha sorta bothers me, thinks I cant get a chick by myself, if I wanted to i woulda K asshole? lol

I started this thread because it was exam time, and the past couple exam periods I felt severe depression and could never focus on what I was studying. This post definately releived ALOT of that stress as I was able to focus on my studying so far, all your support is truly appreciated and it has already helped academically, so if you took time out of your day to reply, I truly thank you.

 

[bigguyjock]

I went through a similar situation when I started college last year. I knew that I wanted to start fresh and be honest with myself and my friends but it was harder to do than I thought. I slipped into my usual straight-acting niche and no one suspected a thing. I finally came out to my close friends and while surprised, they were all very accepting and supportive. Like you with your friend, I was nervous about telling my roommate because we were good friends and I didn't want to make things change and become awkward between us. But he was great about it and we are still great friends to this day.

When you keep it to yourself, you make it bigger and bigger in your own mind. Most of your friends will be a bit surprised, and may take a day or two to adjust but at the end of the day, they will still be the people that you can rely on for anything. Some of them might get a little shaken up but they'll come around sooner than you would expect.

Hang in there man, it will all work out for the best. Never be ashamed to be who you are around your friends. Remind them that you are still you, liking guys doesn't change that.

Best of luck! And stay strong!

 

[squirtman270]

Thanks, I'm glad to hear your story worked out good...

Today while studying it was eating me alive... I couldn't focus on my notes and the only thing I could think about was this crap. It's bothering me... It's so hard to focus on things... I want to just tell it to get out of my head for a while and it just wont leave me alone....

Furthermore, I was studying with my buddy today... and were both planning on becoming teachers and we were talking about how kids would act and what they do or whatever..

He then asked me "what would you do if a kid went up to you and said I'm gay?" .... I was like uhhh, iunno haha id probably just be like shit. uhh, .... and I sorta just lost my breath, and first thing that came to mind was, I dunno, what would you do?

"Well you cant say, well that sucks, hopefully tell him to speak to guidance counsellors, or his parents".

And I quickly changed the topic after that and for the next 30 minutes I kept questioning myself, did he know? Was he hinting at it?... And I could not focus at all and it just ate me up inside. Frig. with each passing day it just gets harder and harder to hold it in... It's eating me alive. Honestly.

 

[anchihiro]

Whats stopping you doing it today that wont be there tomorrow?