coming out not an option?

[spreadeagle]

In your situation I would say to my father that at 22 who I spend my time with socially is not really any of his business but that if he must know, the reason I spend more time with my male friends is because I am afraid of the risks and temptations of spending time with women, many of whom are promiscuous and just want to have sex. If that doesn't shut him up you should tell him that you're thinking of studying for the priesthood.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Eyeboy,

You know the thing that strikes me so much in your posts is how incredible a guy you are. You write so well, your obviously an intelligent and articulate guy, but you have an honesty and an openness here thats simply brilliant! It paints you as a passionate caring person, someone who really values his family and yet is torn by their words and actions...

You've thought so much of this out and like most of us that have been where you are, you've seen and heard things that have created a picture in your mind...a picture that right now scares the hell out of you. And mate...its ok. Its a confusing place to be when you know who you are and the conflict of hiding that and what you perceive the expectations of those around you will be....

Eyeboy... being gay or bi doesn't change you... you know that, after all you wrote it...it was so well put in your post... you know that your morals, your values, your ability to love and be loved doesn't change. You know that your sense of humor is still the same, you know you care and are the same passionate caring guy you always were. When people look at you they see you...the you that they know and love right now. All those incredible things that come together to make you...the guy here on these boards... none of those things change.

But it is time you told your parents.

I know that you'll shake your head and say no way what would you know? Its easier to say it than do it. Its too hard, theres too much at risk, theres too much at stake.

And you'd be right to do so.

But whats really at stake here isnt the roof over your head or the food on the table. They way you write tells me that you'd replace those things in your life in no time if you really had to.

Whats really at stake here is your well being. Your inner peace. Your ability to feel proud and strong about who you are. Your ability to be honest and open with those who love and care for you...but more importantly yourself. You need to do this for yourself. You need to free yourself of the burden thats slowly dragging you down.

You suspect they know. Their words and actions pretty much confirm they have suspicions about it right now. They have made comments that are designed to either open you up...or close you down. They're fishing for the truth...and getting false hope, even if its a truth they dont want to hear. And all the time you are letting yourself be weighed down by expectations that you know you may not be able to fulfill. You are being burdened by their misconceptions and mis truths...and you dont deserve any of that.

You deserve honesty love and acceptance. You deserve freedom and trust. You deserve a life of happiness and passion. Those are your rights ...and your choice.

Right now the situation is simply going to make coming out at any time in the future even harder. These talks, statements by your parents are forcing you into a denial that one day you'll have to deny. One that grows bigger and heavier all the time. One that hurts you...and weighs you down.

It wont be easy, and yes their will be risks. But only you can change your parents misconceptions about what it means to be gay/bi. Only you, their son, who they know so well...his likes his dislikes, his passions and follies, his laughter and his tears....only you can shatter thier images of gay/bi people.

They do see you eyeboy...they do. They're scared as much as you are. They're worried and they wonder about you...thats why its a constant source of conversation. They fear that you'll change, they wont know you. They fear that you'll be something that you're not. Its as big a source of turmoil for them as it is for you. But those things come from love not hate. They come from concern not disgust. you fear hurting them...and they fear you hurting them.

Being honest with yourself and your parents is something you have to do. Getting this out into the open so you can be you... the real you is critical. You need to show them that you are you...the same you they love now. Its just that theres just another layer to you that they've never seen. One that they will grow to accept and understand with time...and your help.

Dont let their innocent ignorance or misunderstanding burden you any longer. You have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide. You are whole and complete the way you are. Trust them, love them, cherish them and be honest with them, so they might do the same with you. Their words and criticisms will fade and disappear when they understand its their son they spoke of. Their fears and misconceptions will retreat when they realize you love and value them the way you always did.

You have the strength and courage to do this eyeboy...thats obvious. You are worth this, you're happiness and freedom are worth this. You're well being, self acceptance and self respect are worth so much. Dont let yourself be stampeded and trampled on any more. Be proud of who you are and what you've achieved... and what you can achieve. Your potential is limitless.

Your parents know that too. You just have to believe that they do too.

 

[bigfun81]

Hey man, I feel the same way. My father and mother are pretty well known born again Christians, so consider myself a Christian too, but I am bi as well and NOBODY (except for my lesbian friend kim and a guy named Jade) knows. I can't come out either and I get crap too, my mom tells me that I need to spend more time chasing women and always asking how am I dating and other stuff. My parents are televangilists, and do a lot of missionary work and functions with senators and shit like that, luckily I moved out and have my own house, that has make it easier to have a social life but I know I can never come out either, sometimes I think I will just grow out it, not happening though. Hang in there and save your money and move out. then do what you want and stay in the closet at home, not that that is the best thing either.

 

[eyeboy]

wow, you guys are seriously amazing. bi-boy-mikey, I don't think I have anxiety problems per se, I dont' go all crazy with my parents and stuff. I respect their point of view and way of life, I just step away, distancing myself from them until they are willing and able to talk to me again. It is the stepping away phase and knowing that I can turn to no one about this that makes me kinda depressed over the whole matter. I'm trying to come out to one or two of my mates and see what happens. If all turns out well, then thats great, if it doesn't, well life carries on no matter what.

bigfun81, how did your friends react when you first came out to them? Are they open minded in person and are able to accept who you are readily? Or did it take quite some time for them to realise?

Thanks guys for your advice and kind words tallguy297 and T-Zero, you guys are really amazing and really helpful. At least I know that my thoughts and view points on certain aspects aren't so out of the odinary

 

[tallguy297]

bigfun81, how did your friends react when you first came out to them? Are they open minded in person and are able to accept who you are readily? Or did it take quite some time for them to realise?

Well like T-zero said...I cant answer for bigfun...but I can tell you about the reaction of my friends and family....

I have told about 10 sets of friends (couples mainly)ranging from very close to people I see once a year... and every one...every one has accepted me...told me that it didnt matter...that they didnt care. I broke down when I told some of them initially and more often than not they did too. Only one couple took some time to let it sink in...but even then they were fine with it. All were shocked...none had guessed but they gave me the greatest gift I could get...love and acceptance.

My family - parents, brother and sister... there were tears, shock, questions. But there too was love and acceptance. Their reaction just floored me. I had to drive for about 4 hours to get home to tell them...I turned around 3 times...cried all the way... fell out of the car... they thought I was trying to tell them that I had had an affair initially so they had no idea! I know that mum has had her moments and she really deals with it by not talking too much about it...but when it comes up shes fine...and I know she loves me.

So have I been lucky? Yeah I guess. But no more so than anyone else who really tries to be open and honest with those who love them. I'm not special...I'm no different to you or anyone else. I'm not gifted or the worlds greatest friend...but I try really hard to be honest with people. Its easier on everyone that way.

So thats why I think the answer for you eyeboy lies in the same path. Read other peoples threads here who had the same fears as you...and see how they turned out.

Its something you owe yourself...the chance to rid yourself of this burden and the chance for a happy fulfilled life. You truly truly deserve nothing less.

 

[J_Nite]

i feel you. coming out is not an option for me either. my family is catholic, as am i. for one thing, i never felt the need to come out. i feel like its my business and i get defensive when there are people who purposely try to out other people. for me, right now, i also live at home and its just not an option. i like to live comfortably, and i am happy with being discreet and "in the closet". Dont get me wrong, my religion was not a part of deciding this. I love being catholic, i just dont always agree with the political side, but i am for the spiritual side. in the end, no one can tell you whether you are right or wrong in your choice to be out, that is your decision, a private decsion. just do what feels comfortable to you right now, thats the best advice i can give.

 

[Alive and Free]

With certain people you bet !