Coming out of the closet? A good idea in my case?

[WhyNotE]

First of all, I'm a 20-year old college student. Now here's how things are:

Although I'm totally straight in the attitude and manners (not effiminate or anything like that), I always had a "thing" about guys. Since Junior High, I could find myself secretly stare at hot guys more than I did with ladies. The problem is that I was constantly denying myself the truth, for whatever reason I feared to admit that I was bi/gay. There were times that I was so angry as far as to try and persuade myself that I'm only attracted to girls.

I had even tried hooking up with a couple of girls during high school in a need to prove -first and foremost- myself and then my buddies, parents (they were clueless but still) that I'm completely straight.
While I like being romantically involved with girls, I'm not particularly attracted to them sexually. So even if I enjoy being in a relationship with a girl, I have a hard time when it comes down to sex.

Anyway, to make a long story short, the last 2 years I've reconciled myself to the fact that I'm gay/bi whatever. I've been browsing gay-oriented forums, porn sites, male model archives etc but I still keep my sexuality private.
I still haven't been with any guy for anything sexual, partly because every time I go out I'm with my friends who don't know anything (have to pretend and all) and most importantly living with my parents doesn't help the whole situation a lot. My only opportunity to hook up with someone is through college, yet again as I said I don't live in a dorm and this makes things a tad more difficult.

I'm afraid that this situation where I have to perpetually opress my feelings is bringing me down. Imagine being with your best friend who you know from junior high, you've been through a lot together but yet he doesn't know half the truth about you. It can be really messy and awkward at times. I've tried talking to him in a humorous way like "can't tell if this chick's hot cause I'm gay, you know?" but he reads me completely out of context thinking that I'm simply joking around like most straight buddies do all the time.

Next up comes my parents, will I ever have the courage to come out to them? They're pretty close-minded (especially my dad) so I fear that as long as I'm under their roof, it's not a good idea at all.

To conclude, I detest hiding anymore. It makes me feel sad, lonely and detached from my friends. Surely, I can't come out to all of them at once but I'd like to let my closest friend know who I am. I think it will make me feel considerably better even if he decides not to talk to me ever again.

So what do you think guys? Any advice? What should I do?

PS. Sorry for the long post.

 

[cmizer]

Re: Coming out of the closet? A good idea in my ca

how does your friend feel about homosexuality? When i came out as being bi to 3 of my friends, two of them were great and supportive. One of them was like oh thats cool at first but he constantly made fun of me and went around telling everyone i was gay. We ended up having a huge fight and we havent spoken in almost 2 years.

Be sure you want to come out to your best friend, like i said it can be risky but if he is truly your friend he wont care.

As for the parents lol i`d say fuck that. They dont need to know.

I know how it feels living a lie, forced to pretend to be something youre not *hugs you*

 

[buddy1970]

Re: Coming out of the closet? A good idea in my ca

Before I came out to family, I went to a therapy group in college for guys with homosexual feelings. You may not have (or need) a therapy group in your area, but does your college have any associations or gay groups there? Try going there first and just being out to a supportive group of like-minded guys. That will help a lot with your depression. It's one of the few things that kept me from seriously thinking about suicide.

 

[kineticpsi]

Re: Coming out of the closet? A good idea in my ca

Pick one of two of your closest friends from the group that you think can handle the truth AND keep from blabbing it to everyone they know. Once you have a few people in your inner circle, they'll be able to help you feel comfortable in social situations so you can interact with more guys. Sometimes straight friends even feel bad for dragging you to their bars and will insist that they take you to a gay bar, but don't hold your breath because it doesn't always happen.

You kind of have to weigh where you're at right now. Is your hiding and being unable to have any type of intimate relationship towards another person worth having a friend that you've accepted since you were young guys? If he's that good of a friend he'll accept you. If he doesn't, it's better you find out now than keep living your life because eventually you get to the point where you have to jump over the wall and risk falling off the other side.

It's a difficult situation, but if you truly believe that you're a person worthy of acceptance and support, things will work out. Stay open minded and try to let yourself be yourself. If people can't accept it then you can't accept them or their behavior towards you!

 

[WhyNotE]

Re: Coming out of the closet? A good idea in my ca

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for their replies.

how does your friend feel about homosexuality? When i came out as being bi to 3 of my friends, two of them were great and supportive. One of them was like oh thats cool at first but he constantly made fun of me and went around telling everyone i was gay. We ended up having a huge fight and we havent spoken in almost 2 years.

Be sure you want to come out to your best friend, like i said it can be risky but if he is truly your friend he wont care.

As for the parents lol i`d say fuck that. They dont need to know.

I know how it feels living a lie, forced to pretend to be something youre not *hugs you*

That's good news to me. Well, I mean if you skip the part with the douchebag that made fun of you. At the end of the day, you still have two of your friends, right?

As for my best friend, I think he's pretty neutral with the idea of homosexuality in general. However, I'm not sure if he would like the idea of his best friend being bi.

On the parents subject, I think you're probably right.
I understand that parents care a lot about their children but sexuality is something private that they don't need to know necessarily. Even if I come out to them, they will never understand. In fact, they'll just become sad.

Before I came out to family, I went to a therapy group in college for guys with homosexual feelings. You may not have (or need) a therapy group in your area, but does your college have any associations or gay groups there? Try going there first and just being out to a supportive group of like-minded guys. That will help a lot with your depression. It's one of the few things that kept me from seriously thinking about suicide.

We don't have anything like this here. On the bright side, I don't feel suicidal (yet). But I'm glad they proved helpful for you.

Pick one of two of your closest friends from the group that you think can handle the truth AND keep from blabbing it to everyone they know. Once you have a few people in your inner circle, they'll be able to help you feel comfortable in social situations so you can interact with more guys. Sometimes straight friends even feel bad for dragging you to their bars and will insist that they take you to a gay bar, but don't hold your breath because it doesn't always happen.

You kind of have to weigh where you're at right now. Is your hiding and being unable to have any type of intimate relationship towards another person worth having a friend that you've accepted since you were young guys? If he's that good of a friend he'll accept you. If he doesn't, it's better you find out now than keep living your life because eventually you get to the point where you have to jump over the wall and risk falling off the other side.

It's a difficult situation, but if you truly believe that you're a person worthy of acceptance and support, things will work out. Stay open minded and try to let yourself be yourself. If people can't accept it then you can't accept them or their behavior towards you!

Nice piece of advice. From now on, I'll try to pave the way for him. If it works out eventually, that would be great otherwise.... what can I do.
After all, I may have to find a new circle of friends that share same thoughts.

 

[Seasoned]

Re: Coming out of the closet? A good idea in my ca

You are on a good path and have now come out to yourself. To me the coming out process is the scariest part of being gay. You definitely need a friend who knows and is supportive. The rest will unfold as you need it to. So my advice is to follow your heart and head and do it a step at a time. As some of the other guys already mentioned, do your best to find the person you trust. You need to be in control of your own coming out. I offer you every good wish. Good luck and remember there is a big gay family eager to offer support.

 

[AZgoldenBOY]

Re: Coming out of the closet? A good idea in my ca

it just gets better, believe me i was about to marry, befor e a savior les apeared in my life, hard at first but then its crazy and fun and then you accept

 

[Born_to_try]

Re: Coming out of the closet? A good idea in my ca

I know how you feel mate, I'm in the same boat, the exact same boat actually, all I can say is that you should come out when you feel absolutely ready too, this is a life changing thing that shouldn't be rushed.

As for your friends, as the others said, you need to find someone you really, really trust before telling them.
Unfortunatully I don't have someone like that, but maybe you do.
oh and most girl friends like having gay/bi guys as their gay/bi friend that they can talk to about guys.

And if you do decide to come out, and they don't accpet you, then they're not really your friends, but most people are accepting nowadays.

So all I can say is do it when you are ready to - I tell myself that, and thats how I get by.

 

[Horse90]

Re: Coming out of the closet? A good idea in my ca

I can sympathise with you on the best friend side of things, I only recently came out to my three closest friends, one of who has been my best friend since we were both 8.
In the end, it all comes back to you. You've said that you hate being in the closet, you're sad, etc. If you come out, at least you're being true to yourself, which is the most important thing you can.

But I say go for it. If you think someone deserves to know, let them know! If they can't deal, then that's their fault, they don't get to find out just who you are

 

[tamk13]

Re: Coming out of the closet? A good idea in my ca

when i came out at bi to my friends( it was about a year ago).
i never wanted to or planned to at that time. i had only ever told one of my friends and she had moved away so no one had a clue.

so my friends and i are out on the town having a good time and everything. i got a little to drunk so my mind is a bit blured but much to my and my friends suprise i was going round kissing guys!!! it was aperently 3-4 different guy at a straight club.

to make it worse i didnt remember doing it so the next day i was getting texts asking what happened etc but everyone was cool, i had no problems and i havent lost any friends over it. i wish i hadnt done it in such a way but its all good!

i dont plan or am i ever going to tell the parents about it. i dont see the need.

 

[alexanderafpf]

Re: Coming out of the closet? A good idea in my ca

Dude I know the felling, i'm str8 acting and nobody knows that i'm gay. The problem is that my family i pushing me to have a relationship with a girl! and its like: well i'm not really into the girls of the college... maybe they are starting to suspect something, which make me really upset.
Sometimes I feel a little alone, but I'm not into anyone (who I know is into me as well) right now, so I'm just being patient. When the time comes I'll probably tell my family; I don't think they'll take it that bad, but I don't wanna take this risk right now (cause I still depend too much on them).
By now not even my closest friends now about my orientation, its just that I don't see the right moment and way to tell them. Could somebody suggest the best way to communicate this? btw is not like they have been my friends for my life time, i'm studying in a foreigner country. Anyway I dont believe they'll take it in a bad way. Thanks

P.S.: I relly like the site, it has a bunch of cool stuff, and sorry if I made mistakes I'm still learning the language.

 

[Buckley]

Re: Coming out of the closet? A good idea in my ca

WhyNot, first of all let me say from your other posts on the site (and your freakin' fabulous 'Random Hot Guys' thread), that you seem like a very cool dude, so all my best in gettin through this very very rough time. You got some great advice from the other guys, but here's a couple thoughts; isn't there a gay support group or gay student alliance on your campus? that might be a good first step, not only to get some local support but maybe to find a couple friends who can help you feel a little less anxious about things? Or there might be some gay students in some of your classes you could make friendly overtures to, again to help ease the emotional stress?

 

[TX-Beau]

Re: Coming out of the closet? A good idea in my ca

If you are financially dependent on someone else for school or living expenses and you know they are going to have a problem, save the speech until you're independent.

On the parents subject, I think you're probably right.
I understand that parents care a lot about their children but sexuality is something private that they don't need to know necessarily. Even if I come out to them, they will never understand. In fact, they'll just become sad.

That said, this is really a bad idea. First off, who you're banging is private, sexuality is only private for gay people in the closet. Your Mama is gonna pressure you to marry, your Daddy too probably. They'll want to know who you're seeing, what your intentions are, etc. If you hide this from your parents for years and years you'll have to exclude them from your life for years and years. Then when they find out, and they will find out, the resulting fallout will be ten times worse having been augmented by all the dishonesty tossed in.

We all get excuses made when we're young, because we're still figuring things out, even if they have kittens over this, the problem will be far worse if you're 35 and they discover your roommate doesn't sleep in the spare room.

And anyway, do you really want to spend your life lying to your family?

 

[mc18yng]

Re: Coming out of the closet? A good idea in my ca

When i came out as being bi to 3 of my friends, two of them were great and supportive. One of them was like oh thats cool at first but he constantly made fun of me and went around telling everyone i was gay. We ended up having a huge fight and we havent spoken in almost 2 years.

Exactly how it happened for me.

 

[Rex]

Re: Coming out of the closet? A good idea in my ca

Do what you feel is right.

If you don't think your dad or parents will handle it well, maybe wait until you're not living with them so they have some time to digest it. If they won't take it well, you're probably not going to want to be around them all the time. Both of you might need space.

As for your friends, be careful who you trust. If you don't everyone knowing, make sure it's someone who won't go blabbing to everyone about it.

Maybe look for friends who are in the same situation as you online.

 

[conrad]

Re: Coming out of the closet? A good idea in my ca

Friendships, whether with males or females, are life's best gifts to us and we do well to guard them tenderly. Not all friendships become sexual but that does not detract from them. Let the world know that you are open to friendship and you will find takers. There seems to be some kind of chemistry that operates and it takes alertness on the part of those who choose friendship to read the signs carefully.

I can speak only from my own experience. I have never searched for a sexual partner. With me the sex came after the bonding was sufficient so that no seduction was needed: we both wanted and needed to express our affection sexually. I know that many young men are so horny, so consumed by animal urges, that they will settle for that which is almost always sure to prove unsatisfying. Yes, both partners "get off"--some may even become "fuck buddies" but no real ties between them are created.

To separate sex from love diminishes both sex and love.
Men do not bond easily with other men but it is possible and the sex that happens in such a bond will seem right. It will serve to confirm the bond and each re-confirmation has a way of strengthening the bond. One's friends, family, and the public are entitled to what they can see. They may even note the depth of the bond between two persons, but they need not know what happens sexually between those persons, that is personal and private for the partners and if they are wise they keep it so.

 

[nautiboyjeff]

Re: Coming out of the closet? A good idea in my ca

You are actually on the road, it just doesn't feel like it. When you tell a couple of close friends, you will take one more step down that road. Admitting to your self is the first step, then confiding in others is a journey. Finding the right (or several wrong ones along the way) is the fun part. It will seem like you aren't settled and you can't find the one, but as you meet people and do more, embrace the butterflies and don't rush to the finish line. Your parents finding out will be a step on that journey, it will come in due time, don't rush it. If it comes up, deal with it, but ideally, you get to deal with it in your timeframe.

Don't despair. This is an awkward part of life, but it's also a fun part. Don't be depressed, find solutions!

Jeff

 

[KyleWells]

Re: Coming out of the closet? A good idea in my ca

Luckily for me, my friends were all friends with a lot of gay people. So coming out to them wasn't a problem, they were shocked at first but all of them accept me and don't act any different towards me.

But I still havn't come out to my parents, I love them but they're pretty hateful towards the gay community.

I say you don't really have to come out to your parents, but you DO need to remember that you can't hide it forever. Sooner or later your parents will figure out that you dont have any girlfriends and you arnt trying to get any either.

 

[WhyNotE]

Re: Coming out of the closet? A good idea in my ca

I've been rather busy lately as a result I didn't have the chance to check back on this thread until now.

Firstly, let me tell you that I'm really really happy with all the replies and PMs I got from you guys! Thanks for your great support and ideas, most of them are very helpful to me.
I'm actually surprised that so many people sympathize with me. Some of the posts here could have been easily composed by me because they reflect my exact thoughts and situation.

Now to be a bit more specific:

@TX-Beau, thanks for your reply. You made a pretty good point that to be honest I hadn't consider myself. Lying is not an option here because I don't want to let go of my family. Let's just say that they're not in my priorities at the moment, I think "coming out" to my friend is way easier and less painful.


@Bubba22, I much appreciate the fact that my thread was the leverage you needed to register on JUB. Furthermore, I'm glad that things have worked out fine in your life, you seem like the kind of guy who worths it.

Ohh and this needs to be quoted:

My personal rule is that, 'my sexuality doesn't define me'. I allow people to get to know me first and make a judgement on who I am as A PERSON and if/when we become friends, I tell them then that I gay (when it is relevant to a conversation, I don't just decide "week 4- tell Bob I'm a homo").

....

Sexuality is not nearly as big of deal as our stupid society makes it out to be.

It made feel a lot better. Let's hope I will be in your position in a few years from now.


@Buckley, nice to hear that you like my other thread! As I have already mentioned there aren't any support groups on my campus unfortunately. But I'll try to identify other gay guys and approach them (if any).