coming out slow

[trikky]

Some of you may have read my thread in,out,in. I find that talking on here to you guys and reading other threads is giving me new ideas and takes on things all the time. Here is an idea for other guys like me who want to change but aren't quite there yet with the coming out thing. My idea is that there are two ways to come out - fast and slow. Mostly people seem to do the fast come out, where you just tell everyone straight out. It's all over quickly and what was your problem is now someone elses if it is a problem. But not everyone is ready to just plunge in like that which is why we're still closeted.

It seems to me that a big cause of bad reactions is that the people you tell never saw it coming, which leads me to the slow come out. If you prepare the ground beforehand over a few months the people you are going to come out to will have already guessed before you announce it, and you don't put them on the spot for a reaction. Also it gives you time to build your confidence.

Before my in out in closet experience I was very conscious of avoiding doing anything which might be construed as gay and give people doubts about my pretend straight identity. Things like having a conservative dress sense and hairstyle, I never put any effort into maintaining friendships with guys in case they thought it was sexual interest, I avoided gay guys that were out
and lots of other low grade things which subconciously help form opinions. I am not yet ready for the face to face come out but I am half coming out to people all the time by things I say and do. Essentially I have stopped trying to look and act straight and just be me. A lot of me is fairly conservative anyway but I no longer put on straight pretenses, but just leave things in a way that people start to wonder about my sexuality without me having to spell it out to them. If someone asks if I'm married or have a girlfriend I used to say "not at the moment" but now I say "no." I don't offer any explanation and let them make their own conclusion. I know some of you guys might think that this is a chicken way to do things but I am leaving lots of clues out there for people to pick up if they want to and that is giving me the breathing space I need to put a toe in the water to see if I like the temperature. Also it has really boosted my confidence which shows in the way I now interact with people.

I'm not talking about leaving around gay porn or books on coming out which I think is designed to prompt someone to ask you straight out. What I'm doing is lower grade than that and designed to give them enough to start them thinking that I could be gay but not enough to get them asking me outright. With the ground prepared in advance I believe that coming out will be much better received because there won't be any shock. This approach may not suit everyone but for the deeply closeted like I was ( now only slightly closeted) it could make the difference between in and out!

Please reply guys

 

[TX-Beau]

First off I think you probably underestimate the number of straight people who already guessed and just never brought up the subject. When we're in the closet we're always certain we're just that sneaky. But we always give ourselves up in a million tiny little ways.

People come out at their own speed, depending on a number of things, so I don't really think that there is only "slow," and "fast."

 

[Obsessive]

When I came out, I was apparently the last to know.

 

[TX-Beau]

Coming out is less about telling people than it is about yourself. Being honest about your life is being out, honest with yourself and others. No obfuscation, no lies of omission or commission.

The biggest thing you get out of telling other people is that you no longer need to spend all that time and energy on hiding, and that’s a huge relief, plus I found it to be a huge self esteem boost.

But sometimes it takes awhile even after everyone knows for us to come to terms with ourselves. The speed with which we tell other people doesn’t have any bearing on that. It took me a couple of years of being totally out before I’d dealt with all the random issues and stereotypes I had in my head from growing up as I did.

Being honest about my life was the only way I’d have ever worked through that. So it’s the first step, but coming out is still a process.

 

[trikky]

Tx You're right about us giving it away in millions of tiny ways and people probably knowing anyway. I think though that for some deep closet cases like I was that this kind of slower pace makes the transition easier than just jumping off a cliff.

I also think that some straight friends and family are complicit in keeping you closeted. They really know you're gay but they don't want you to tell them because it then forces them to deal with their prejudices and issues about homosexuality.

 

[Seasoned]

The big surprise in coming out can be the unexpected responses. People whom you thought might have had a problem with it might not and vice versa. The bigger issue is this: what do do with the extra time once you are no longer expending energy hiding?

 

[crowboy]

Coming out is less about telling people than it is about yourself. Being honest about your life is being out, honest with yourself and others. No obfuscation, no lies of omission or commission.

The biggest thing you get out of telling other people is that you no longer need to spend all that time and energy on hiding, and that’s a huge relief, plus I found it to be a huge self esteem boost.

But sometimes it takes awhile even after everyone knows for us to come to terms with ourselves. The speed with which we tell other people doesn’t have any bearing on that. It took me a couple of years of being totally out before I’d dealt with all the random issues and stereotypes I had in my head from growing up as I did.

Being honest about my life was the only way I’d have ever worked through that. So it’s the first step, but coming out is still a process.

How right you are. I only realised this recently. Going through it right now. A couple of years though. Heck....

Tx You're right about us giving it away in millions of tiny ways and people probably knowing anyway. I think though that for some deep closet cases like I was that this kind of slower pace makes the transition easier than just jumping off a cliff.

I also think that some straight friends and family are complicit in keeping you closeted. They really know you're gay but they don't want you to tell them because it then forces them to deal with their prejudices and issues about homosexuality.

Trikky, do what ever you feel comfortable with. In my limited experience all those I have told guessed. But they were not going to ask. They all believed that I would say so when I was ready. And had I been asked before that, I would have denied it anyway. Just don't expect everyone to outright ask, despite what hints etc you may drop. Some will respect your privacy and leave it up to you. It's not that they don't care or don't know how to deal with it they simply respect you and your right to your privacy.

What ever you do and however you do it I wish you well Trikky.