coming out, staying in?

[kurtwild]

no im not in love with my straight guy friend either!

but you have to come out!
its not fair for you!your friends live their lives,but you dont have that right?

its not like that!
you should tell them and if they get scared and leave you then its their problem!

dont be scared.if you are like brothers they will sure come back to you,after the schock!

 

[confusedboy23]

I've never fallen for my very good male friends too. They are purely friendship materials and for some reason, I have never been attracted to them sexually at all. For what reason, I don't know and like you've said it, I think I'm lucky because if I did have feelings for them, our friendship might be where it is today.

Now back to coming out. I always believe that one should come out only when they are absolutely ready. There are always pros and cons about coming out. Yes, you might lose friends and stuff, but you'll be free to live your life but at the end of the day, your sexuality is really no one else's business but yours. So think of it this way, if it really means a lot to you to tell your friends you're gay, then maybe the gamble is worth it. It really all depends on yourself. I don't think it's wrong to be in the closet, you need to be who you are in whatever best situation for yourself.

 

[Steppenwolf]

Slow down ihrduleftbtch,
Eventually you and your friends will go your separate ways anyway. Whether you come out to them now, later, or at all isn't really an issue. If you don't enjoy it, though, I'd stop sleeping with girls. And lots of us have straight male friends. That doesn't mean that you have to be attracted to them physically.

It sounds like you're already out to yourself. That's a good start. When I came out to my family and friends a few months back, my only gay support group was here at JUB. Everyone here was great, but I had no clue where to go to meet people like me. That's a risky way to come out. I, too, was afraid that I would never meet anyone. At some point you have to take risks and do some things that may not come naturally to you. As you've probably read in many threads on JUB already, look for gay social and support groups in your area. Many big cities have them as well as universities. Don't rule out gay clubs and bars either. Go out and try to meet people like you. You can always say no if someone approaches you.

Come out only if and when you're ready. We're here for you if you need us.

 

[Jeimuzu]

That true friends will accept you thing is rubbish spread by people who're happy. Some friends will accept you, some won't. Some are in more difficult positions regarding it:

One of my friends has had bad experiences (not relationship type experiences! lol) with a gay person who we knew, and thus dislikes homosexuality. Another friend is perfectly ok with it, having been brought up as a nice accepting guy; I'm probably gonna come out to him first. I talked to him on the topic of how one of my friends is a homphobe, and he was saying how he hates homophobes. So that's good. The homophobic friend has been my best mate since I was six. The other guy I met when I was sixteen, and he's certainly a good mate, but it's not like we're blood brothers or anything. I like him, and as far as I'm aware, he likes me.

Tell them you're bi, when you come out. That makes it easier. It's kinda cool to be bi nowadays... you just come across as wise and worldly, rather than feminine (as most people assume gay people are). It's almost more macho to be bi than to be straight, nowadays, because it's like you're not scared of anything on that level. From telling them you're bi to telling them you're gay is an easier step, afaik. Less of a jump... don't bite off more than you can chew at once, is my advice.

 

[Riverrick]

is it wrong to rather stay in the closet than be openly gay and completely alone?

Well that's the dilemma for all of us.

I was always afraid of the high dive when I was a kid and would stand trembling at the top of it, comviced I would die if I jumped.

But at some point, I just took the risk. When you're ready, you probably will too.

 

[Jeimuzu]

Drive to your parents house, then, and tell them. There's only so much support we can give via the internet, and your parents will give you so much more. That might give you the courage to come out to your friends, with your parents totally behind you.

 

[Riverrick]

besides the fact that i've basically lied to my friends for every single day that i've known them, i'm not even sure if they'd let me explain myself if i did came out.
i know some people would just say to get over losing my friends and stay true to myself because my happiness is more important, but it's really not that easy with my circumstances.
i grew up with my friends. we all know eachother better than we know ourselves. they're the reason i'm no longer addicted to cocaine, probably even the reason i'm still alive.

Everything you've said above is all the more reason to come out to your friends. Otherwise, these close relationships are doomed as you begin to grow apart from them, not letting them into the gay part of your life.

Relationships change and grow over time. Now is your time. You've lied to them only to the extent that you've felt it necessary and they will eventually understand that. Its a big move for you but if you're sure you are gay and are really that close to these people, then I say go for it. And then stick around for the uncomfortable reactions. Hang in there through them, talk to your friends, keep working on it. Don't give up your lifetime friendships unless they become blantantly toxic to you.

Some day it will be their turn - a divorce, a crime, an embarrassment. And then you can be there for them without judgement.

I did tell my straight friends when I came out because I felt close to them. But I didn't do the followup work as I was moving every few years and eventually grew apart from them. And I regret that.

If you do the hard work now, I believe that you'll always be close to them.

 

[slobone]

Parents and friends are two different cases. If you decide to come out to your parents, you have to do it in the right way at the right time if there's a chance it would be painful for them.

But friends? You really need to come out. Don't assume they'll reject you -- a lot of guys who have a bad attitude about gays change their minds when they find out their best friend is one.

I was in the closet for years, and believe me, it makes life very difficult. Among other things, it's a hell of a lot harder to find that special person if you're in the closet.

So do yourself a favor. Come out to at least one of your friends. Pick the one you think is the most understanding.

The best approach is not to make it sound like a big deal. Just "Oh by the way, I'm gay."

Bet you anything his response will be more supportive than you think. Then you can come out to the others next.

 

[ticktickboy69]

If they make fun of gay people, then use that as a way to come out to them. You can say something like "would you say those things if you knew I was gay, because I am?!". They may be mad that you didn't tell them sooner or they may hate you, but you must come out!! Only do it when you feel comfortable enough. You will feel so much better when you do!!!

 

[luminum]

It'll never happen for me, persoanlly, and the more I think about it, the more I think that we only work as best friends. Being partners seems so bizaare and awkward. ::shrug::

*sigh

 

[Soilwork]

I kinda briefly had a thing for a straight friend of mine in college.

It didnt' last long.

And once I came out and started dating gay men, I stopped latching on to straight men and went for the gay men who were so much more desirable anyway.

 

[Smitho]

I have a very similar group of straight friends, I am very close to them, four others and I, and have no attraction to them (none are gay) only a very close friendship. I was shitting bricks when I came out to them as I really though they would be anoyed as I had been lieing to them for the years (about 6 years, including 3 years all sharing a house together) we had all been friends. But not at all they were all very supportive. I think you should come out when you are ready, but in my experince your friends can suprise you (nicely) with how they react.