Coming out - story/concerns.

[MacNore]

About two weeks ago, I came out to my best friend. We have known each other for about six years now, and he has been like a brother to me since we were high school Freshmen. I was nervous and almost sick to my stomach, but I worked up the nerve and told him.

He has been GREAT about it! It was the best outcome I could possibly hope for. He was excited "to finally have a gay friend", and doesn't feel uncomfortable or anything if we have to sleep in the same room. He urged me to start telling other close friends, and all of them have been excellent. I feel like the luckiest man on earth right now.

Just had to share that little victory.

Anyway, I've come to the realization that I just don't care what most people think of me. My best friends pass no judgment on me, and as far as I'm concerned that is all that matters. I feel ready to start coming out to everyone - family, friends, acquaintances, etc.

There is only on hitch in my plan:

I have been babysitting my 9-month-old baby sister for most of her very short life, and because of the huge age difference (19 years) I feel very connected to her in an almost paternal way. I've accepted the fact that my family won't like the fact that I'm gay, and may even shun me from family get-togethers and holidays. This thought hurts, but I've prepared myself for it (They are very religious, and I knew this wouldn't go over well). But I would not be able to handle it if I wasn't allowed to see my baby sister anymore. That would break my heart, and I'm just not ready to accept that as a possibility.

So does anybody have some advice on what I should do? Should I just stay in the closet to my family for now? Or is there an angle to this I'm just not seeing?

 

[TimWhite07]

1st off, congrats with your firends taking it so well. You are very lucky. Most people wish for that. It is good that you came to that thought that you dont care what others think about you, only what your friends think. It took me a while to come to that.

I can no say from personal experince what you are going through with your family and your younger sibling. I am very close to my little brother. He is not 9 months old tho. so i dont really need to baby sit....... If it were me, i would wait a while to tell my family. Since you alrady have the feeling that you are going to pretty much get disowned, i wouldnt want to risk the chance of not being able to see her.

If you really want to tell your parents tho, when you do, you can tell them that you dont care what they think of you, but you still want to be able to see your sister, to still be part of her life. And then hope for the best. You never know, your parents maybe more understanding then you think. some parents, ( this is coming from friends that are out) already suspect that they are gay, they are just waiting for them to come out. This might be the case with yours.

You just need to weight the opions and decide what you think is best, and what is more important to you.

I hope everything works out for you.

 

[MacNore]

Thank you so much for the input

I think my parents may already know. As a matter of fact, my mom found my gay porn in my Freshmen year of high school and we had a long, in-depth conversation that ended in me convincing her that I was NOT gay. I still have no idea how I pulled that one off...

And my dad may have guessed. I don't know, but I'm not particularly worried about him as he lives in a different state.

But my mom and dad aren't my main concern. It is my step-dad (the father of my baby sister). If there was a contest for being simultaneously the biggest right-wing conservative nut AND most hardcore Catholic in the world, he would win hands down. My mom would do anything to appease him, because apparently she is supposed to be subservient to her husband (bs).

SO if he doesn't want his daughter to grow up around "someone like me", it probably won't happen. So I'm thinking the "wait it out" strategy might be best for now.

 

[TimWhite07]

To be a part of your sisters life, then i think you right, wait it out. Teel them when she is older.

And you are right. It is BS that your mom is supposed to be subservient to your stepdad. Is a marriage there is no place for that kind of thing. But if she is happy then she will continue to do it. There is really nothing that can be done about it.

I hope all works out for you.

 

[ChicagoNormalGuy]

You don't need to tell them. If they suspect* that you are gay, they are in denial about it because they don't want you to be. That works for you right now. You don't have to actually lie to them unless they ask you if you are gay. Be the guy you are. You are a good caregiver to your sister. Being gay and out isn't going to change that. Being gay and out has nothing to do with babysitting your sister.

Be the person you are, not just the gay person you are.



* And why do we use the word "suspect" when talking about the possibility of someone thinking we might be gay or bi? "Suspect" sounds like we are guilty of something. Yeah! Guilty of liking cock!

 

[MacNore]

To be a part of your sisters life, then i think you right, wait it out. Teel them when she is older.

And you are right. It is BS that your mom is supposed to be subservient to your stepdad. Is a marriage there is no place for that kind of thing. But if she is happy then she will continue to do it. There is really nothing that can be done about it.

I hope all works out for you.

Thank. I'm sure it will all work out eventually. I guess I just feel like I'm being a little unfair to them by not telling them... But then again I'm just trying to make things easier on all of us for the time being. No one ever said this process would be quick and painless...

You don't need to tell them. If they suspect* that you are gay, they are in denial about it because they don't want you to be. That works for you right now. You don't have to actually lie to them unless they ask you if you are gay. Be the guy you are. You are a good caregiver to your sister. Being gay and out isn't going to change that. Being gay and out has nothing to do with babysitting your sister.

Be the person you are, not just the gay person you are.



* And why do we use the word "suspect" when talking about the possibility of someone thinking we might be gay or bi? "Suspect" sounds like we are guilty of something. Yeah! Guilty of liking cock!

Haha Thanks. I kind of needed that little bit of insight... I keep feeling like because I'm coming out I'm randomly going to become some totally different person. But I'm not changing at all, I'm exactly the same person and I'm glad.


This smiley has no relevance to this thread, its just really funny.

 

[MacNore]

I doubt anyone is still following this thread, but:

I am out to my family. I went away for the weekend and when I came back my mom confronted me. She read my journal while she was prepping my room for family to come over. My grandparents also read it.

While it bothers me to no end that they would go through my personal things, I'm very pleased with how they are taking it. I haven't been kicked out of the family, and I'm not losing my little sister . Things could be better - My grandmother spent all morning locked in a room crying, and my mom wants me to go to counseling - but I'm not complaining.

 

[KaraBulut]

While it bothers me to no end that they would go through my personal things, I'm very pleased with how they are taking it. I haven't been kicked out of the family, and I'm not losing my little sister . Things could be better - My grandmother spent all morning locked in a room crying, and my mom wants me to go to counseling - but I'm not complaining.

Helluva way to spend the holidays.

All the crying and upset is part of the process. But the suggestion for "counseling" has a subtle implication that there is something that needs to be fixed with you.

What they don't see is that they are the ones who need counseling.

All you can do is be honest and say, "I want to be part of this family. I want to be part of my sister's life. But this is something all of you need to work through and accept- I've already worked through it and accepted it. I want you to be part of my life but to do that I have to be honest about who I am."

 

[Lube]

Yes, what Kara said.

It's unfortunate that your family outed you, rather than the other way around. I don't understand why gay men think self-respect is so expendable (e.g., sacrificing your identity so you could be guaranteed to see your sister). But that's neither here nor there, since you're out now.

I'm glad you're taking this well. There's a lot of drama in your family, but that's normal in overly religious families. Why are they so religious? Who knows what secrets they are trying to run from?

Just stand up for yourself, as KaraBulut said. Don't back down. Ever.

 

[nsguy2]

If your mother gives you a hard time, mention to her that divorce is also a big no-no and that you have to live your life for you - not her.

In other words, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and your choices.

Good luck to you.

 

[jeffhardylover8472]

i told my folks back in august and they were totally ok with it... however somehow they knew i was gay b4 I even knew (complicated story so dont ask)

 

[justright25]

I understand how family is more important than being out to many. I was the same way but luckily my family took it well when I finally told them. You should go to counseling if for no other reason, to learn how to deal with your family's reaction. Try and be happy and don't worry about what anybody else says. That includes myself and other men on here that put down your choice. I changed diapers for my sisters and pretty much raised them so I can understand how you feel. I hope you find the happiness and acceptance that you seek from your family. Merry Christmas.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

He has been GREAT about it! It was the best outcome I could possibly hope for. He was excited "to finally have a gay friend", and doesn't feel uncomfortable or anything if we have to sleep in the same room. He urged me to start telling other close friends, and all of them have been excellent. I feel like the luckiest man on earth right now.

Wow, this is just awesome. I'm not in your situation, but this would be enough for me to endure the family problems. Good luck!

 

[MacNore]

Wow! I did not expect so many of you to comment. Thanks

Anyway,

KaraBulut: Gotta love the holidays! Haha yeah I've noticed that my mom is very intent on the whole counseling and she wants to go to a few appointments with me. I said I'll go, because I do think that she needs it.

Lube: I understand what you mean, but I know my self-respect is not expendable. But it was a very tricky situation, and I would give my LIFE for my little sister. A little while longer in the closet was a small price to pay. But as you said, that is neither here nor there.

nsguy2: WHAT?! Hypocrisy in religion?!
Yes, living my life for me is exactly what I plan on doing. I'm too old to play pretend any longer

jeffhardylover8472: Haha I won't ask, I know how jumbled these situations can get. But congratulations, that is great!

justright25: Thank you I'm glad to hear from someone who has been in my situation.

Ryuusei Boy: I agree. Knowing that I have friends who will be there no matter what really emboldened me to start coming out to everyone. The day I told my best friend has got to be one of the greatest days of my life. Any issues I'm having now are really trivial to me now that I know I have a great support system backing me up.

 

[Lube]

Congrats, MacNore. You sound very, very happy!