Coming out story (Last week)

[MaxMouse]

Sooo I just came out to my dad! It's kind of a sad story but I think also refreshing as it's kind of different and I do feel empowered.

The backstory first:

My dad and I aren't close, we are kind of enemies because we've always been so opposite and he has always been pretty mean (I've never told him I love him as far back as I remember). I live in New York City now, and was so excited to get away from him (I am originally from Ohio) when I went to undergraduate school at Penn State, 4 hours away. I could finally be myself. Of course, I wasn't completely comfortable being gay to be honest. Never had sex but was very open with the gay community. Had mucho opportunities but was definitely stereotyped as the "prude"...which I was fine with!

So, college progressed, I graduated, and I came back for an internship in Ohio, still with very little gay experiences. That summer, I told my mom that I was gay because I felt it was beginning to define me more. She had the good reaction everyone should want. "I love you no matter what and if you want to bring a guy you love home ever, you are more than welcome to." I met a guy who was 30 and lost my virginity, technically, even though we didn't really finish. I wasn't comfortable with it only knowing him for a couple weeks.

So, a year and a half has passed since then, and I got into Columbia's OT Grad school and moved into the city, so far away from everything, loving it! So I've been as gay as ever Haha, well trying... I figured it was about time I had some sex. So I went home with 2 boys...One I had sex with for a minute and then I pulled out and left because I decided I didn't like him. And then I went home with another and we just cuddled. He was cute, but from LA...

Then I dated a sexy russian model, and we had sex briefly once also, but didn't finish. Again I was uncomfortable. Haha...so annoying! I thought I was so ready! He was too sexual for me so we broke up...

Anyways I never figured out why I'm so uncomfortable with being physical with a guy...is it because I never told my dad so I'm not completely out? But he means nothing to me...Nothing. What could it be?

I was away from Ohio for a year and went back for my winter break just two weeks ago. My dad was the usual evil dad and just a terrible person. I just assumed this was the last time I would ever see him in my life unless anything had changed. He was the usual...completely rude, just nothing like me. (example: Xmas dinner at grandma's, his mom, we get there, he takes a couple spoonfuls of soup, and just goes upstairs to sleep. She slaves away one day a year to make a great dinner, and he pulls that)

So, he is driving me to the airport for my flight back to the city. I am so ready to go home, and so glad I will never speak to him again. I decided that day that he has done nothing for me, except bring me down. It is sad, yes, I have family loyalties, but there are so many things in my past with him that I just want him cut out of it. I have built a family for myself here in NYC and couldn't be happier with where my life is now. He has hurt me too much.

So I'm talking to him in the car. Look where your life is, look how your entire family hates you...You ruined your daughter (my sister) and she has to live with you now with three kids that ruin your beautiful house. You're fifty years old, and a mess...But I don't feel bad for you dad.

And then I said "This is the last time we're going to talk dad." I paused. And then..."In case you care, by the way, I'm gay." Pause. Awkward. I was just looking at the road.

He says "I'm sorry to hear that."

I'm thinking Oh yes, he totally just nailed his own coffin. I was afraid of him saying something at least semi-nice so I might feel bad for the monster

So then I say "There's no reason to be sorry, it's who I am and I love myself."

And he says "So I suppose you think that's my fault too"

"Don't you get it? It's nobody's fault. This is who I am, despite what you THINK about it...I am gay. It's me, and it's a part of my life. I was born this way! You have these notions that are in your head because you never got away once. You never grew up, learned your own opinions. You are stuck with what you were once told, and that is a sad person."

So we didn't talk for the rest of the ride, and...we pull up to the airport, he gets out to help me with my luggage, but I am fine. I pull my bags out quickly and start to go. And he asks for a hug. I shake my head. "How about a handshake then" I say no. "Bye dad" And I walk away, the last time I'll ever see him.

True story. I feel much better, I really do...About being gay and about being free. I am living my life now, without him in my background. It's amazing. Any comments/questions/support welcome! Thaaanks for letting me vent that. Love this site.

 

[brenteverettfan]

Dude, such a sad story, i am so sorry that ur dad is such an asshole! Do u still have contact with ur mum. My dad passrs away 5 yrs ago and mum 9 mths ago, both had bad health, dad was also age related and mum cancer too many times, but i never came out to them, especially mum. Never the right time/words, too much bad health, though i think she knew, but never spoken. I only came out to my brother 6 mths ago and thats cos we live together, but no regrets. My bro has met me half way and we dont really fight, but ur/my story had me if things had been different as i miss mum/dad so much and miss em everydayy........

 

[bluepheonix]

Max are you sure you want to burn this bridge?

I personally think, given the circumstances, his response to your being gay was somewhat positive. It takes us quite a long time to deal with the fact that we are gay, it is the same for others. AND the way you came out Max, given the things you have just previously said, it seems very much like you were using your being gay as ammunition in an argument with him, think about it carefully, you really dont think it sounded like you were blaming him at all?

YOU know you were born gay, YOU also know that he hasn't been exposed to that and only has what he was brought up with, but you seem to cut him off and not bothering trying to explain anything to him.

So we didn't talk for the rest of the ride, and...we pull up to the airport, he gets out to help me with my luggage, but I am fine. I pull my bags out quickly and start to go. And he asks for a hug. I shake my head. "How about a handshake then" I say no. "Bye dad" And I walk away, the last time I'll ever see him.

I dont know your family history or anything like that, but I do know, given the above quote, that your Dad seems to love you, he just cant say it for whatever reason, like many other parents who dont. Just cause you dont hear it, doesnt mean its not there max.

I'd just reconsider whether or not you truly want to burn that bridge, cause after he's gone, theres no going back.

 

[Elwood]

First of all congratulations on coming out!! Now I must put my father hat on. I am father myself, twin 12 year old boys, and if they ever treated me like that I would be completely heart broken. Now I do not know enough of your history with your father to judge your actions, but from your fathers actions at the airport he does seem to care about you. I would reconsider cutting him out of your life, maybe give yourself some time. I lost my father this year and I regret not spending more time with him later in life, don't make the same mistake we only have 1 family in life.

 

[throbbing1]

Listen to bluepheonix! At 57 - I just came out to my family during the Holidays - and was out to all that really mattered in my life for a cpl yrs now. Family is really supportive when push cums to shove! Give him another chance - seems like the true connection is really there.

 

[amyleeisjesus]

I dont know your family history or anything like that, but I do know, given the above quote, that your Dad seems to love you, he just cant say it for whatever reason, like many other parents who dont. Just cause you dont hear it, doesnt mean its not there max.

I agree. Your dad wanting to hug you was obviously a gesture of goodwill, and surprising given what a monster you make him out to be. That was really cold to turn him down. How would you feel if he died tomorrow and that was your last interaction with him?

I think you both have communication issues. You should consider going to a neutral location like a restaurant and having a deep talk with him to get things out in the open. He might not always get his words right and do some stupid shit, but the way you behaved in your farewell ride makes me think the problem may have more to do with you than you realize. Your heart has to be pretty iced over to rebuff your dad's affection. At least he was willing to give that, despite the words you had for him in the car (which my dad would probably knock me out for).

 

[MaxMouse]

Aw thanks guys. Surprised about the responses.

This wasn't so much for advice because I've made up my mind about it. I don't want my dad in my life.

The friends that I have, who have met my dad, and known me for years...and know him for who he is and each of the stories that have hurt me so much believe I did the right thing. They believe it was necessary, and I really do too. I know it seems really cold, but he has done so many bad things.

The most notable things are a lot with my past, and who he is. Anyways, things transpired, and I feel that my dad is actually gay as well, he can just never let it surface or come to terms with it. I will tell you that I have reasons to believe this and am not just bitter.

My goodbye to him isn't based on coming out at all, it's based way more on everything else. I just wanted him to know so I can know myself that I revealed it to him in my life.

Thanks though I appreciate it!

 

[trawler69]

I feel kinda bad for your Dad. It is obvious he knows he fucked up, you have told him that enough times to the point that when you told him you are Gay he just said "I suppose that is my fault as well" He held out the olive branch, asked for a hug or even a handshake and you refused him. Now turn the tables.

Have you ever done anything you were ashamed of? have you ever fucked up? have you ever apologised? Well this was your Dad's way of doing that, admittedly probably too little too late but what would it really cost you to say "Thanks Dad." My Dad is dead now, we were never close but he wasn't a bad Father by any means, just on a different wavelength, in hindsight I wish I had taken the time to get to know him better, I dream he is still alive and in the dreams I make the effort. I just hope that you don't regret cutting him off and don't regret how you may have hurt him by your rejection. I am not saying he deserves anything I am just hoping that you don't regret denying him anything.

 

[hubbellgardner]

Max
Altho I rarely feel compelled to respond in these threads ( others do a better job ) I would like to briefly tell you my story.
From the time I was little my father and I were perpetually at odds. The youngest of 4 boys, I hated all the stuff that he and they seemed to love. ie hunting, fishing, boxing, hockey.. well you get the picture. The final nail in the coffin of any potential relationship came when I came out at 18 or so. He was a real tartar and old-school opinionated. When I asked to speak with him and told him that I was gay, his response, and I quote, was "Jesus Christ! You'll never have a days happiness !" And he then proceeded to tell a story about how once during The War a guy made a pass at him and he beat the bejeebers out of him and threw him down some stairs.
At any road, I had zero respect for him and years went by with little communication. When my Mom died 10 yrs. ago I went even less frequently to see him. Finally things came to a head about half a dozen years ago when my eldest brother, who was theoretically my aged Da's caregiver ( but couldn't care for a parakeet much less himself or Da ) ended up drinking himself to death. My father stubbornly insisted on not going into a facility, tho dementia and Alzheimers had encroached alarmingly. Long story short, as the sibling with no wife and children to see to and a career which could be put on hold, I became co-opted to move back home and see to his needs.
What began as nightmarish gradually levelled itself into a whole new chapter for he and I. We came to see each other in a whole new light, and though I often felt bereft when I looked back down through the cloudshadows of our life and thought about what had been missed out on for so long, I also found new insights into familial love. He became the most important thing in my life, and all the hilarious and heartbreaking incidents along the way will stay with me always.
Five weeks ago I took him to play shuffleboard and shared Xmas tangerines and laughter, just another Sunday. When I tucked him in I told him I loved him and he me. When I went to waken him the next morning he had passed away. Peacefully, in his own bed, no hospital or tubes or nurses, just as he had always said he wanted.
I tell you all this Max only because I want you to never say Never. If anyone had told me years ago that I would end up taking care of my curmudgeonly old Archie Bunker of a Dad, I'd have laughed in their face. But life itself has a mighty funny way of doubling back on us and we do what needs doing.... I am truly grateful that this chance to know him finally came about, however late. Don't write your Dad off, Max. Be the bigger man...Try and find a way to make a meaningful connection. Else you'll find in the end you waste so many years... I wish you luck.

 

[Crackberry]

I would feel lucky if my dad would only say "I'm sorry for you being gay" and then still be willing to shake my hand. For the terrible dad that you describe he is, I expected to read something really bad.

To be honest, that's kind of sad.

And secondly, you don't know the history of this guy's life, or even what type of person his father is, just from what he's posted here in this thread.

 

[bluepheonix]

To be honest, that's kind of sad.

And secondly, you don't know the history of this guy's life, or even what type of person his father is, just from what he's posted here in this thread.

Thats right but from the situation posted here, and the fact that he called his father's reply the last nail in the coffin, Max's is an emotive reaction which quite frankly could be a huge mistake. His father responded how you would expect someone to respond having their son being gay thrown at them among a giant avalanche of blame, how do you expect him to react?

The fact that his father tried to hug him despite everything that was said I think shows more about his feelings than one line of at worst misguided response to a ball thrown completely out of left field amongst a shower of daggers.

(Please excuse the metaphors)

 

[Crackberry]

Thats right but from the situation posted here, and the fact that he called his father's reply the last nail in the coffin, Max's is an emotive reaction which quite frankly could be a huge mistake.

Or maybe it isn't. He would know better than anyone who's posted in this thread. Of course it's an emotive reaction. We get emotional when it comes to our parents. Doesn't mean it was a wrong one.

His father responded how you would expect someone to respond having their son being gay thrown at them among a giant avalanche of blame, how do you expect him to react?

No, sorry. I disagree. And the original poster said it himself. If I had told my father I was gay and his response was "I'm sorry about that", I would've seen red.

The fact that his father tried to hug him despite everything that was said I think shows more about his feelings than one line of at worst misguided response to a ball thrown completely out of left field amongst a shower of daggers.

(Please excuse the metaphors)

Asking for a hug doesn't undo years of being a bad father and overall unpleasant person. Loving a child is not enough. The child comes out. You love it. That's the easy part.

 

[bluepheonix]

No, sorry. I disagree. And the original poster said it himself. If I had told my father I was gay and his response was "I'm sorry about that", I would've seen red.

Even if you came out during an argument blaming him for a bunch of other stuff? And do you think its reasonable to expect parents to be ready to accept a childs homosexuality straight away, considering it takes many of us years to come to terms with it ourselves?

Asking for a hug doesn't undo years of being a bad father and overall unpleasant person. Loving a child is not enough. The child comes out. You love it. That's the easy part.

Im saying it was a sign of good faith. I didnt say it definately was a mistake, Im saying, based on the description provided of the situation, emotion has quite possibly skewed max's interpretation and THIS SITUATION, not necessarily the whole history with his father, needs to at least be reconsidered.