Coming out through drugs

[3x3is9]

Hi, My name is Ray, I'm 18, and I just joined this site tonight and I’ve already learned so much. I’ve got a drug program though. I can’t believe there aren’t more threads on drugs. I looked for 4 pages and didn’t find any. Hopefully it’s the right forum.

Alright, so there's a long anecdote to this question, but if you want to skip it, I’ll do a short version at the end:
I've been in denial my whole life about being gay, the usual story. I fooled around with a guy friend when I was 13, then went into denial and pushed him away. Went out with the girls to prove I was straight. Gave up and decided to be celibate. So the only experience I have is hitting all the bases with my young guy friend, and the few kissing I did with the girlfriends.

I just came out last April to one of my female friends Sara who had a crush on me. I felt too guilty to let her keep feeling that way, so I told her over MSN. Then it felt good so I told my other two best female friends. They all took it well, which is awesome. Then I decided to put it on Nexopia (something like mySpace) and a few old junior high guy friends found out, and they were cool with it. All in all I've had a great coming out - to my school friends.

My work friends I've had for longer. I just started going out and drinking in September with them (I never drank before - too scared I would let it slip) and it was all good. I started with alcohol, then I started smoking tabacco, then pot, and then one fateful night I tried ecstasy. (I was raised in a liberal family, and drugs were no big deal. I knew my parents did them, and it was never really a big deal for me. They know everything I’ve done, and their only concern is that I’ll go too far and get lost). I had half a pill and I had a blast. Later that night, I was snuggling with my friends Jon and Lisa, and they wanted a story. I started to tell something, and they kinda pushed me to continue. I was beating around the bush, and I could tell in their eyes that they knew what I was going to say, and I burst out crying (never cried in front of a person other than parents) and finally told them I was gay. They were so okay with it, and Jon actually said he was bi (he's a lil flamboyant, so I kinda always figured) and Lisa's twin sister was gay. They were cool, which was amazing. They told some other people, with my permission, and soon my whole group of friends from work knew I was gay, and were all okay with it. I’ve been fortunate.

The next weekend I went out with Jon and Lisa to Jon's house. We picked up some E on the way, and Jon and Lisa were gonna do some coke. I did half a pill again and I wasn't planning on doing coke, but I did end up doing it later. My other friends from work found out what I did and freaked on Jon and on me. My best friend Sara started crying when I told her - afraid I was getting too far. That scared me off the drugs for a couple months.

Fast forward to New Year's Eve. Myself and Jon were the only one of our work friends left in town, so we went and got some E and went to his house. I did one pill that night. We ended up going into the discussion of being gay, and as E tends to do, we started to touch and feel. We eventually started making out, and it was just awesome. It was more fun than intimate though. I didn't like the kissing that much, but then I've never been a big fan of kissing.

Anyway, a couple days later a few friends and us went to Lindsey's house and did some E. I did one and a half pills. I started to talk about being gay with them too, and when everyone went to bed Jon and I made out again, and this time it was intense and intimate (I got hard – never ever has that happened when I was with someone), but I freaked out when we started to kiss, and left for home.

That Friday we were at Jon's house again, this time no E. At the end of the night, we started to touch, but I just wasn't feeling it, and so we didn't do anything.

Saturday we went and danced at a club. I did two and a half pills that night. Best time I've ever had. We were with some people who didn't know I was gay, but I didn't even care when I touched Jon in front of them. It was so liberating. I felt amazing. That night we started to make out, and only stopped because I had to leave for work, but we hadn't got to the kissing stage.

SHORT VERSION:
Since September, I’ve gone out almost every weekend and partied, while escalating the drug ladder. I came out to my work friends while on ecstasy, and they are cool with me being gay. I did coke, but got scared, and probably won’t ever do it again, but I love E and how it feels. I’ve started making out with my friend Jon (who is bi), but I feel uncomfortable kissing or anything further. He’s a little disappointed, naturally, but he understands and he’s been there.

I really have two problems: One is that I can't get passed kissing with Jon. I start to panic, and I also panic when he moves to go further like undoing my belt or anything. I know that it will come with time, since this is still really new for me, and I really have just recently accepted that it’s okay to be gay. I’ve got the advice I needed from other threads, but any comments are welcome.

The second and probably more serious problem is that I love E, and I know I should stop doing it as often, but I love the feeling of just being okay with myself when I’m on it. The world just feels right and I can be who I am. It feels like I can be gay if I want to when I’m doing E. I have pretty good willpower and I know I can stop (right now anyway) if I wanted to, but I don’t want to, and I’m scared if I keep going I won’t be able to stop soon.

Has anyone gone through a similar situation? How did you deal with it?

Thanks, this site is amazing. It really helps to know there are others out there who are going through the same thing.

 

[kurtwild]

first of all you should stop using ecstasy right away.ecstasy is not better than coke.it ruins your brains,and you wont be able to remember things and you ll also get dummer.coke doesnt harm the brain as bad as ecstasy.

i know its easier to be yourself when you are wearing a mask,but dont let drugs be your mask.my boyfriend died out of drugs....

why are you scared if the guy wants to do more with you,like take of your pants and stuff like that?

 

[jcs0112]

first of all you should stop using ecstasy right away.ecstasy is not better than coke.it ruins your brains,and you wont be able to remember things and you ll also get dummer.coke doesnt harm the brain as bad as ecstasy.

First of all, this guy has no clue what he is talking about...

I would suggest you begin by informing yourself. You should read about ecstasy I would recommend a harm reduction site rather than an anti-drug site. I would recommend "Ecstasy: The Complete Guide. A Comprehensive Look At The Risks And Benefits of MDMA" for your initial experiences with Ecstasy. I would offer that anything in excess is a vice. Remember that balance in all spheres, everything that is important to you, is what matters. It is easy to get caught up in the lifestyle, I did, and I have a past that I have to deal with as a result...But, I am successful, with an advanced degree, a kick ass job, and I don't regret all the trouble I found as a kid. Personally I would say to enjoy each of your experiences for what they are, because one day you'll learn the lesson, and it will not be what it was...

Inform yourself about the risks you take when using drugs, and realize that the war on drugs is a social construction that is a response to the Crack-Cocaine epidemic of the 1980's which was onset by the Regean Administration's removal of federal funding for inner city urban areas. Read about the DEA's emergency scheduling of MDMA as a schedule 1 drug with little scientific analysis. I'd be happy to discuss at length once you inform yourself.

You might try other sites such as errowid and I think dancesafe is still up and running though probably underfunded.

I turned to drugs rather than come out to my family and friends back between 1999-2003 during undergrad. I only began to feel okay with myself once I moved to a big city and made friends that were my age and gay too, which was at the Resource Center of Dallas: FUSE! an MPowerment Project. The guys were great and we just hung out and had a good time and made sure we encouraged each other to have safer sex. I stayed in school, busted my ass, finally found a great man, and my life is great, but I work too freakin' much, which is not good for my relationship, which brings me back to remembering that everything in excess is a vice...work, partying, school, vitamin c, ecstasy, cocaine, whatever... Been there, done that, it gets old, just like everything, and then you find something else. But, I will say that ecstasy is special, and I think that the good shit can have truly theraputic affects on your soul. Just balance it with the rest of your life. It might take years, but you'll get there as other things become important to you.

You are young and living your life, just be careful, reduce the harm associated with your actions, and by all means have fun and stack up on some centrum performance vitamins and 5htp.

jcdfw52115.blogspot.com

http://www.ultramusicfestival.com

 

[Eagle653]

Hi 3x3, you seem to have two issues going on--a drug problem as well as coming out issues. Because your thread deals with both, more or less equally, I copied this thread into the Health and Well Being forum as well. Perhaps posts in that forum will give additional insights into the drug aspect of your post. So, you might want to check the Health and Well Being forum for your thread, also.

Good luck to you. I don't have many insights here, except to say that you aren't the first person to have drug involvement tied to their feelings about being gay, and you aren't the last. Keep in touch with us and let us know how you're doing.

 

[3x3is9]

(haha the thread copy has me all confused of what I should post where, oh well I'll just copy my post in both places, but thank you, I wasn't sure which one to post it in)
kurtwild, I don't think ecstasy is better than coke at all, in fact, I think it's probably worse, although I'm not 100% read up on coke, but I felt the scene around coke was much worse than E and it wasn't about having fun, it was just about doing the coke. I have done my homework about every drug that I've done, because I'm neurotic like that, and there are good things and bad things about every drug. I don't find the effects to be any worse than any legal ones (alcohol, smoking, eating McDonald's). Pick your sin, is what I say

And about the mask, it feels opposite to me. It feels like I'm stuck wearing the mask everyday (it's slowly getting better) but E removes it and just lets myself come out. It’s what jcs0112 was saying - I think - it helps me deal with the issues I have. The first night I tried it, it led me to coming out and actually accepting that it was okay to be gay, where as before I hated it and thought it was wrong. I take precautions, such as, I usually have a water bottle on me, and make sure I refill it only every 40-50 minutes, and I take breaks from dancing, and such. I haven't thought of the vitamins - that's a good idea. I'll have to read up on that.

And it's not that I don't WANT TO go further with Jon, haha, I definitely do. I don't know how to explain it, but in the heat of the moment, I just can't do it. I only hope it’ll get better with time.

3nippples, I am worried about it becoming a crutch, but it’s most definitely also about having fun. It’s not that I can’t have fun without it, but when I go dancing, it seems much more alive when I have some E too. The one thing I don’t want to happen is that I feel I need to take E in order to express my feelings towards the same gender, which I think is what you mean by crutch, and I’m looking to see if anyone has had any experiences with that issue, and if it did become a crutch or if it eventually just led to self-awareness and social development (haha yay for big words).

jcs0112, did you find the drugs helped you more than harmed? And I would love to read up on the reasons that drugs are illegal, but haven’t really found any sources I thought were trustworthy. Do you have any links?

Thanks for the responses!

 

[drhladnjak]

I've definitely used my share of drugs to work through various mental blocks in the past, so I'm not going to be one of those people screaming about how drugs will inevitably ruin your life.

However, there's a point where you have to be able to deal with this stuff in an unaltered state. Taking E can be a fun escape, but I agree that you're using it as a crutch. You need to have social outlets where you're not on the drug. Maybe try cutting back on the frequency of use. Only roll every other time you go out. Maybe even go out dancing in that environment less frequently and do something else instead.

Obviously, you're not completely comfortable with your friend John's advances (even if part of your brain says you are ok with them). Being on a drug like E heightens emotions and can make strong feelings of discomfort worse. I'd recommend sitting down with him when you're both sober and explaining your situation. If he's a good guy and your friend, he'll understand and take things at your pace. However, you have to accept that there will be a certain amount of nervousness when you mess around with a guy for the first time. If you can relatively objectively say to yourself that you trust and like this guy when he's not around and you're not horny, you can push through the uncomfortableness when you're with him.

 

[3x3is9]

Well, with everyone's help, and a lot of soul searching, I've figured out my problem. I've been making excuses this whole time. Drugs were an excuse to be gay. If that's what you meant by crutch, then you were spot on. I've been using E as an excuse to be gay, to make out with Jon, when I don't need to have an excuse, because it's not wrong. It turns out my drug problem and my coming out problem were the exact same thing afterall.

Thank you guys so much! You have no idea (well, you probably do) how much you helped me out. I don't have to do drugs anymore! haha! I can be gay now, sober, and it's not wrong, and no one will care! I mean, E is still fun, and I might do it when I go dancing, but I don't have to anymore. Thank you, and in return, I'm going to try to help other people out too, because this is the best thing ever.

 

[billybob109]

I think you are taking the pills so you can hang out with these people

 

[Eagle653]

Well, with everyone's help, and a lot of soul searching, I've figured out my problem. I've been making excuses this whole time. Drugs were an excuse to be gay. If that's what you meant by crutch, then you were spot on. I've been using E as an excuse to be gay, to make out with Jon, when I don't need to have an excuse, because it's not wrong. It turns out my drug problem and my coming out problem were the exact same thing afterall.

Thank you guys so much! You have no idea (well, you probably do) how much you helped me out. I don't have to do drugs anymore! haha! I can be gay now, sober, and it's not wrong, and no one will care! I mean, E is still fun, and I might do it when I go dancing, but I don't have to anymore. Thank you, and in return, I'm going to try to help other people out too, because this is the best thing ever.

Good for you!

Thanks for being here--and we'll hold you to your word to help out!

Take care. You've got a lot of good insight about yourself which will serve you well forever.

 

[drhladnjak]

Well, with everyone's help, and a lot of soul searching, I've figured out my problem. I've been making excuses this whole time. Drugs were an excuse to be gay. If that's what you meant by crutch, then you were spot on. I've been using E as an excuse to be gay, to make out with Jon, when I don't need to have an excuse, because it's not wrong. It turns out my drug problem and my coming out problem were the exact same thing afterall.

Thank you guys so much! You have no idea (well, you probably do) how much you helped me out. I don't have to do drugs anymore! haha! I can be gay now, sober, and it's not wrong, and no one will care! I mean, E is still fun, and I might do it when I go dancing, but I don't have to anymore. Thank you, and in return, I'm going to try to help other people out too, because this is the best thing ever.

I'm glad to hear that you've had some sort of epiphany about all of this. You'd definitely not be the first person struggling with their sexuality to attempt to self-medicate with drugs.

 

[looseliam]

Although I can offer really no advice on how to get passed the apprehension of going further than kissing, I can offer some advice when using the substances of which you spoke.

First of all, don't mix. Don't do coke and ecstasy together. Don't mix either with alcohol.

Moderation. Don't keep popping pills for days. Please give yourself time to recover. Remember: the brain can only produce so much serotonin.

There are vitamins that help the come down when on ecstasy and the jaw-clenching effect.

And back to coke. It's so terrible. If you can avoid it, I'd suggest it. I found the only reason to do coke was to do more coke.

I don't know about you, but I grew out of ecstasy. You may too.

I was able to take the experiences and openness I had whilst rolling and bringing it into sober life.

Just be safe and be with people whom you trust.

 

[elle]

look E is fun and all but the thing is you have to realize on X ...
nothing is real...none of that stuff is actually going on unless your on the drug.

as for life...you can make it whatever you want it to be & its real.

just don't get confused, because as great as drugs like this can be, living your truth/reality can be more than ever expected.

 

[RicanDAB]

Geez!

I can't believe you people are debating the evils of one drug over another ... it's ALL BAD ... don't do them, period!