Coming out to another gay person?

[Tyler121515]

Hi I am 21 years old and have been in the closet ever since I knew I was gay for the last 6 years of my life. Although no one has ever asked me directly before, I know I give off a very strong "gay vibe" and at this point I'm also positive people suspect that I am gay, especially since I have never had a girlfriend yet am a relatively decent looking guy. (not saying this in a cocky way AT ALL as I have very low self esteem at this point in my life, but I am constantly told by girls how cute I am so I know people have their suspicions). I am also a very shy guy as well and do not have very many friends, which makes things even that much more difficult. I really don't know what to do or where to start, and my whole situation has begun to make me depressed and I have been dying to talk to someone about it. I work with one gay guy who is a very cool person with an awesome personality and would love to become good friends with him and talk about it, because he is very proud of his gayness and appears to be a very happy person, which I am not. However, it almost seems wrong to come out to a gay co-worker before first coming out to those individual who are closer to you such as your family. But I am almost certain that he will eventually figure me out before long since gay guys have their gaydar going 24/7. Not to mention the fact he tried to hook me up with of his super hot female friends who told him she though I was cute, which got a oh so suspicious "I'm don't have time for a relationship" BS excuse which almost anyone can see right through. Any thoughts?

 

[slobone]

I think you have it exactly backwards. It's much easier to come out to friends and co-workers, especially an out gay man, than to your family.

Go for coffee with him, just say something simple like, "I'll bet you've already figured out that I'm gay, haven't you?". No need to be dramatic about it.

After him, then try other friends you think will be understanding. Get some practice with them so you feel comfortable talking about it before you tackle your family.

 

[trawler69]

I would definitely come out to him first. He is a friend who you know will be accepting and he will be able to talk to you about his experiences in coming out and be there to help and support you in your decisions. I would say don't hesitate, do it. But do it in a way that isn't going to make him think you are coming on to him. Leave the family till later there is nothing to gain by coming out to them, I would only do that if I were in a relationship that I wouldn't want to hide from them.

 

[dairyking469]

Hey, hun,
I'm in a very similar situation. I'd say talk to him...that's what I am planning on doing. I think it would make life easier, and help with the depression. Good luck.

 

[Ramindra]

I am totally with trawler and slobone on this one. There is not much I can add to their words of wisdom. I wish you luck on your journey.

 

[Lefty]

setting:
lunch hour...coffee shop

actors:
self
gay associate

dialogue:
S: since we're associates lets be friends. we have a lot in common,but you have some self confidence and a sense of well being that i would really like to learn how to develop.

GA: responseif positive, explain you are gay and go on

at this point , depending on his response you admit your sexual identity and ask if as a friend he can mentor you.

if his response is luke warm or cold, ask him to think about it and let you know later, proceeding with meal and other topics of mutual interest.

this is just a suggested scenario, let me/us know what you think or how it goes. one positive aspect is this way you don't have to commit yourself to opening that closet door and being rejected. BTW, you have no reason for low self esteem. you are a terrific caring guy who is just a little insecure about taking a huge step forward in life. i know i would like to consider you a friend.

best of luck and my p/m is always open as in my 'settings comments page

lcm

 

[bcwang]

"However, it almost seems wrong to come out to a gay co-worker before first coming out to those individual who are closer to you such as your family."

There's NOTHING wrong about that. Like what others said, the best way to do it is to do the easiest one first. And you know that coming out to this guy is the easiest. Just relax and do it. One stone...multiple birds: friendship with a new taste, relief, experience, more confidence...and many other things.

 

[luckotheirish]

I think you should come out to whomever you feel most comfortable

Like everybody else is saying, your co-worker/potential friend will not only be good practice but will likely be a good source of advice and moral support.

He's got the "been there, done that" perspective.

 

[hawkia]

About a month ago a young guy {18} at work asked if he could talk to me about something. I was the first person he came out to. He wanted to know a lot of things, but the main question was how I came out to my family and friends. He has since come out to his family and some people that we work with. I think it helped that he had someone to talk to that had been in his shoes. By all means...talk to him.

 

[G-Lexington]

My parents were the last (close) people I came out to. Not because I don't like them - I love them dearly - but because "coming out" relates to sexual matters, and frankly, that's one thing I never grew comfortable talking to them about. I was much more comfortable coming out to my friends. And by time I came out to my parents, I had such a great support network of friends that it was easy to do so. (And they took it really well, too.)

Lex

 

[newkidondagayblock]

I dont know if this will help.
I have come out to only one person yet and she is a girl. I thought it would be best to tell someone I only know and dont have feelings for. I mean I would love to be friends with her, but just that.
With family it is complicated because they may use this info about you when they want something from you or they are angry at you or some such scenario.
If you tell a friend and he/she doesn't like that news, both if you can walk away.
So talk to the guy in your office. its always good to talk about it.
If you want more professional help, see a psychiatrist.
All the best..

 

[luminum]

People need support first to bolster them into confidence to tell those that they really really care about. I told friends first before my family found out. People talk to counselors, teachers, mentors, or even strangers before they tell the ones they love and that's okay.

So if you need to, try telling this guy and see if he can give you some advice and support and then proceed to friends and family.

Really, there's no one 'method'. You can tell whoever you want to tell, but it alld epends on how comfortable YOU feel.

 

[Xpione]

There is no statute requirering anyone to come with who first. You come out with the person you feel most confortable...just come out to who ever you feel best

 

[Tyler121515]

Wow so my situation has gotten a whole lot a more complicated than it was when I made my first post. I forget to mention in my OP that my dad is the owner of business, which makes things all the more difficult. A week ago my dad hired this guy I was talking about's 17 year old sister to work with us as a hostess. I thought it would be no big deal. Well, turns out this girl has the hugest crush on me! Ever since the first night, she has been all over me. Starts with constant sublt flirting and some strong flirting. No big deal except I suck at flirting, especially with girls. She is always wanting to chat with me. Again, no big deal. Whenever its time for her to leave, she always wants a big hug. Okay I guess. Well, yesterday she writes on a small piece of paper a note and slips it to me with a quirky smile. I opened the note and it says "I like you". I wasn't shocked since she had made it very obvious that she's into me by her mannerisms, but I didn't know what to say at the time, so I pretended I didn't see the note. Later she asks "So what did you think of the note?", and I said something along the lines that "Oh it was really nice I like you too I think you're a really cool person", or something, and the by the look on her face I could tell she was very dissappointed with that response. Later tonight she asks me "Did you even get what I meant on the note?"...... Not only that, but her GAY BROTHER who I work with knows she "likes" me because she told him about the note. I really don't know what to do! I dont' want to hurt another girl's feeling and just ignore her, yet I hate living in a lie! At this point I probably would just go ahead and tell them both (her and her gay brother/coworker), except for the fact that both He and his sister are employees of my dad, and my dad cannot under any circumstance ever find out I am gay. Tonight I had to give her a ride home and she ask's if she can ask me a personal question, I say yes and she asks "Are you a virgin?". As she gets out of the truck he gives me quick kiss on the cheek and says "I just had to do it, cutie! See ya tomorrow! What is up with this chick? God I don't know what to do, but everyone is bound to find out I'm gay eventually: All signs point to yes: decent looking 21 y/o guy who's NEVER had a GF, never checks out or talks about girls, shy's ways or walks away from conversations about gays, never flirts with girls, etc....wow I hate my life.

 

[trawler69]

What an excellent excuse to come out to her brother and you have something to discuss straight away that that you relate to and he is related to. Perhaps you can both come up with a way to divert her away from you in a way that will ensure your sexuality doesn't get back to your dad, although he will have to know one day.

 

[mpdan]

Damn! I hit spell check and my post got deleted!

Tyler, hopefully I can quickly sum up what I just lost- as always, this is just one man's opinion:

• Do Not tell the brother of the young woman you are gay. Blood is thicker than water; and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Dated cliches I know - but very true here. You may not have done anything to her but this is a subject that drives straight woman absolutely beserk. I know, I have the battle scars to prove it.
• Dad is the business owner. The worst thing someone can do is embarrass a business owner because he lacked knowledge. Not because his son is gay - that has nothing to do with it. But because he was clueless should this sordid little scenario wind up on the personnel desk, or worse - in the break room.

You have an out. Tell everyone that you are only 21 and that you have a master plan for your life. You have seen a lot of your friends mess up their lives because they let the little head do the thinking. You simply do not want to complicate things right now. You need not elaborate further- the less said the more respect you will garnish later on.

• With that, you bought yourself the time you need. Time to think, time to talk things out with guys on these boards, time to experiment, time to come to grips with your life, time to fully realize that you have no choice and that you are a minority in a bigoted country.
• Eventually - and there is no time limit - you will come to the realization that you are ready. Prepare yourself that you may have to act fast - because ultimately you do owe it to your family to let them know as soon as you are comfortable, and finding that balance is far from easy.

 

[Kyanimal]

Been there, done that! However, my Dad wasn't associated with the business, but I was a manager. One of my female employees was coming on to me Very Strong!

Eventhough she was the sweetest, cutest, thing, and I didn't want to "hurt" her, and this was beyond the fact that I was bi/mainly gay at the time, I had to finally sit down and explain to her that though I was flattered by her interest, I strongly believed it best to follow a policy of never becoming personally involved with co-workers. My "refusal" was not Personal, it had no reflection on Her. It was merely something I followed to maintain "harmony", and a professional atmosphere in a business setting.

Of course ... she took it personally, anyway! However, as time went on, and we continued to work together, being no more than "friendly", she eventually "chilled", and we continued to get along quite well!

Good Luck!!!

And, of course, no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

P.S.
Same job, and one of my (known to be gay) fellow managers was "subtly" making moves on me, too! He got the same "lecture".

 

[bigpayback]

I'm with trawler69 on this, talk to your friend, his guidence will, help you through things. Family, always comes last, its hard for most to come out too family, for its the denial etc, that they'll throw your way, so thats why its best to tell friends first.

Exactly. You don't know want to come out to your family and then have no gay friends or gay people to talk to. Some people go out to college, etc and live a gay lifestyle and they establish themselves first. And then they'll come out to their family, because that way your family can't tell you that you're "confused." I think that's the best idea. I think threads like this and most of the threads in this section is an example of how hard it is to be a gay person. But what's life without a challenge?

 

[Tyler121515]

Well thanks for all your words of adivce on this subject. I imagine my whole situation would be much easier if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a very shy and introverted human being, and not a big "socialbutterflynevermetastranger" type. But seriously, being in the closet is ruining my life. I have no close friends anymore, no social life, no nothing! Nothing but work (for my dad who's a stubborn homophobic hardass, although he has no problem with gay guys working for him because he says they're good servers), and school. I am so depressed about my life that I almost to the point of saying I can't take it anymore. Who the hell am I am suppose to come out to? If it wasn't for the fact that I come off as gay (some gay dude I waited on tonight left me his number with the CC slip), then I'd probably just say "fuck it" and come clean, or continue the whole "straight" act.. But you have no idea how obvious it is! And every time I hear a coworker or a family member say "Dang Tyler we really need to find you a cute little girlfriend!", it makes me seriously feel like total piece of shit who's going nowhere in life and has no future. Granted I acknowledge that MANY gay guys have hard times with coming out of the closet; but I assure you, mine is the HARDEST anyone can imagine. This combined with all the other shit that's that wrong with me (e.g. my introversion, poor social skills, my ADD, et) makes me feel like a total worthless piece of crap not worthy of being alive.

 

[bigpayback]

Well thanks for all your words of adivce on this subject. I imagine my whole situation would be much easier if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a very shy and introverted human being, and not a big "socialbutterflynevermetastranger" type. But seriously, being in the closet is ruining my life. I have no close friends anymore, no social life, no nothing! Nothing but work (for my dad who's a stubborn homophobic hardass, although he has no problem with gay guys working for him because he says they're good servers), and school. I am so depressed about my life that I almost to the point of saying I can't take it anymore. Who the hell am I am suppose to come out to? If it wasn't for the fact that I come off as gay (some gay dude I waited on tonight left me his number with the CC slip), then I'd probably just say "fuck it" and come clean, or continue the whole "straight" act.. But you have no idea how obvious it is! And every time I hear a coworker or a family member say "Dang Tyler we really need to find you a cute little girlfriend!", it makes me seriously feel like total piece of shit who's going nowhere in life and has no future. Granted I acknowledge that MANY gay guys have hard times with coming out of the closet; but I assure you, mine is the HARDEST anyone can imagine. This combined with all the other shit that's that wrong with me (e.g. my introversion, poor social skills, my ADD, et) makes me feel like a total worthless piece of crap not worthy of being alive.

I love the "good servers" part. LOL That could mean so many things. If you don't already to go to college, try that because education and the whole college experience can help you find yourself. And the social skills will come when you feel confidant about yourself. Just remember, no one is better than you. Also, learn to smile if you don't already do that because smiling goes a long way. You obviously are an intelligent guy. The you write on this forum makes you seem like a cool person. You'll be fine. I'm still coming out to various people myself. Lastly, do something you enjoy and let that hopefully be your outlet.