Coming out to best friend: physical or verbal?

[alxnjord]

Well, something very similar happened to me, and just like you, we could do anything when we were drunk, once he kissed me, because his bday and mine are very close, so we celebrated together and he kissed but we were all drunk, and as far as a knew he had a gf. So i thought h was toally straight but then i kinda get that 50/50 feeling that you had. One night we got to bed together, he got naked and i did as well, we kissed and touched and did all sorts of things... We didn't have sex.
The next morning we woke up and he acted really weird since then. We stopped being friends because he got all weird on me. Two months later a friend of my best friend told me that he was gay, they went to school together and she said that the entire campus knew that he was gay, but that he wasn't out of the closet yet. So... I lost the opportunity to actually date him and lately he came out of the closet and moved to Spain and now i regret not telling me my feelings about him and that i fell in love with him. So i would have spoken to him on the first place.

 

[pausanias_usa]

You don't have to "come out" to him any more than he has to "come out" to you.

Don't approach it on that level. Simply wait until you get that 50/50 feeling and bluntly ask him if he'd consider having sex "just to see what it would be like."

If he says "no" at least you can say you were drunk. If he says "yes," well, take it from there.

 

[JackFTwist]

why not simply ask?

all the games - it never works - but a simple direct conversation with a friend - just talk.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Ask a pointed question:

Not like in: Are you Gay? (Who really cares? Who knows?)

But like in: Wanna have sex?

SC

 

[cellular]

Maybe you are taking the wrong approach. You want to tell a possibly str8 guy that you like him in a sexual way. I say, bad idea. Why dont u tell him you are gay first, then maybe lie to him,say you are already involved with a guy. Check his reaction then, see if he gets jealous. In a month,tell him that you have broken up with this other guy and is single again. See his reaction again and go from there. That way, you are playing it safe

 

[HeliosZephyr]

Well, the horny guy in me says to go for the assgrab/kiss, that way at least you got a piece of him if he is, in fact, straight.

But, the more reasonable guy in me says to come out in person. But...I'd be a good distance away from him, in case he throws a fist at your head.

 

[doctorsun]

I have to agree with the above posts. Come out to him first and see how he reacts just to the fact that you're gay. If he's gay, too, chances are he may feel comfortable enough to come out to you in return. If he's not, you'll probably get a pretty good idea from his general reaction.

Don't do ANYTHING physical until you're absolutely positive that he wants it. It's too dangerous to take the chance. At best you'd make a very awkward situation for you and your best friend that you may never be able to recover from.

 

[spreadeagle]

Warning Bells!

There are two aspects to this that are quite worrying.

Firstly - the sexual frisson between you so far has happened entirely under the influence of alcohol or while wrestling. No meaningful relationship will ever develop on those bases.

Secondly - you're sharing accommodation with 5 other straight men. Forewarned is forearmed - you should expect a violent homophobic backlash to any sort of admission of gayness. If you ask your friend to preserve your confidence, he won't.

In the (very rare) event that these 5 guys are sensitive, liberal, tolerant, enlightened types I imagine that frank, friendly disclosures of sexual preference would long-since have taken place around the dinner table. If they haven't, then they're unlikely to react well to the news.

 

[conrad]

Friend: When you reach a point in your friendships you may find, as I have that body language is very important and amazingly eloquent.
Some quaintly call it "getting excited" and losing one's head. In my youth I was horny 24/7 but was saved from exposure by the fact that we were being watched, and I didn't want to become an accidental expectant father. I freely admit that that kept me from dating and made the arrival of a new student in my class in my junior year something to cheer about because we soon found ways to be alone together; we became soul mates with no worries about unwanted pregnancies! My life was changed. We were open to each other in ways I had not experienced with any one else. I wish for every growing male the kind of exposure to male bonding which I had with my friend.

O ur physical bonding was, as I clearly remember it,without anything as crass as a proposition and an acceptance; it just happened and it was wonderful. Even today we marvel at how our friendship revealed to each of us a part of our sexuality that we were not able to discern apart from our happy interaction way back then. We have both been happily married with children for many years but our friendship (no, it's still deep love) is still strong. I am sure that our love for each other has made us both better husbands and better fathers. In our own way we have created a different world for ourselves and those we love. We were not, we are not, that extraordinary. (in case you're wandering we don't cheat on our wives. I want JUBers to know that such things are possible.

I admit that all men have not been as fortunate as I. My family all decided I was "different" but I don't think any of them really knew how different I really am. I tell them that they should recognize that we are all unique. My parents were always reassuring me that being different isn't always bad. Had I settled down with a man I would have shocked them but only for a little while. I am deeply closeted but I am anything but silent on matters of respect for differences and I am hurt when I read the accounts of the unthinking cruelty meted out to those whe are different.

And so, my friend, try hard always to be a friend to others, but don't give up when they disappoint you. You can be forgiving, but I believe we must all draw the line clearly: as we will not use others for selfish reasons, so also we will not be used for anyone else's selfish purposes. Mutuality is a bare minimun. When you have two people and each is committed to the other 100%. you have love as it meant to be. That is what I wish for you. Be patient, be hopeful.

It all can happen.

Peace!

 

[cyberpunkemon]

I was in a similar situation with my roomate back in college. My roomate, who was also my best friend, was the person i cared so much for that i thought i was in love. Unfortunately, he didn't have the same kind of feelings i had for him. Plus, he had a religious background. Anyhow, one day during my last year in college, i confessed to him and let him know that i was falling for him. He took the news quite well (didn't punch me or anything), but was mad at me for not letting him know sooner, especially when he asked me about my sexual orientation on the first day we roomed together. My only explanation was my love for him grew over the years. Our friendship became a little weird after that. He seemed to lose his trust on me. If you truly care about this friend of yours and you want your friendship to grow, do not come on to him too strong with your affection, especially if you think he's straight. The best advice i can give is be honest without involving him.