Coming out to best friend

[Eagle653]

Hi stevew963 and welcome to JUB and to this forum!

You've got a lot of issues going on, and I hope you don't get them blurred. One is coming out to a good friend; second, you have feelings for this friend; third, you think the friend is gay, too; and fourth, you work with the guy. Whew!

First, think through your motives for coming out to him. Is it because you want there to be more than just a working friendship? Even if this is true, keep the issues separate. If he's not gay (or, if he is but doesn't want you to know), knowing that you look upon him "that way" can push him away and make him uncomfortable around you. So, when you come out to him, keep it about YOU (not about him!).

Second, I don't know what your working relationship is with him, but mixing all this stuff with work can be tricky. Be careful--he nor this is worth your job or career.

Third, don't be too surprised if he doesn't come out to you. If he does, then fine--play it by ear as to what it means. But, his not coming out to you could mean he's not gay afterall, or he is and doesn't want to admit it, or doesn't want to deal with it with you. Disappointing as that might be, it's critical that you respect it or you could alienate him.

Let us know what happens! Good luck, and welcome again!

 

[DrkShadow]

stevew963,

All I can say is be careful. I've been through this twice this year and both times I thought they were Gay. Well, they were not. It ruined my friendship the first time. I'm still really good friends with the other guy I came out too.

If you do it, just don't get your hopes up on what the outcome will be. Be prepared for them to just say, hey, I don't have those kind of feelings. It gets pretty akward after that. Especially if you work together!!

Good luck!

 

[tallguy297]

G'day stevew963
Just ask yourself this one question - why do you want to come out to this guy? The answer just may give you the way forward...or convince you otherwise.

If its because you crave honesty and trust in the friendship, by all means tell him. I'm sure that if he is a good friend then he will appreciate that you are giving him trust regardless of his own position. Weirdness is a lot of time us being self conscious - truthfully theres probably some now because you are feeling the way you do about wanting to tell him...just remember that until he chooses to share any parts of his life...this is all about you.

But if its because you harbour desires or wants about this guy...tread carefully mate. Theres a lot of emotion involved in coming out...wanting more only complicates it. If he feels pressured or if you are hoping too much it skews your judgement. The ultimate risk is the loss of this guy as a friend because you have over read the situation. Hey we all do it....goes to show we're human...but try and separate your motives here.

Maybe get your head around just being honest with this guy about you being gay. It'll be hard to draw the line there but the chance deepening of your friendship is worth more than going too far and the loss of your mate. i dont think working together is an issue - this is about how you feel and your desire to be honest.

Just take one step at a time and let nature run its course. That way he'll tell you what he wants/needs you to know and if nothing else you have a friend to confide in!

Good luck mate

 

[skaterboi]

Hmm sounds like a tough one if you ask me. Lots of problems as the others have said, working together is a big one, worst thing you can do is make things difficult for you at work.
If you're ready to come out then go for it, personally I think it would be worth everything in the world for a chance of being happy and if you're willing to risk it all so to speak then don't hold back. Unfortunatley since you're here I don't think you are willing to risk it all, if your job is of vital importance to you then I don't advise jepordising it over the chance of a relationship with this guy despite how hard it may be working with him.
Please make sure that you're not clouding your judgement of your best friends sexuality because of feelings for him. I've got a friend who says weird things to me quite alot that set my gaydar off and make me think that he must be 100% gay, someone told him that I was bi and fancied him (fully closeted btw although maybe letting it slip more latley) I joked about it and said that it was his hair and laughed everyone took it as a joke and let it go, later that night on MSN he asked me if I did fancied him (ofcourse denyed it) .Hell the other day he said that if I don't meet anyone at uni I can have him (and this isnt a close friend, more of a friends half brother) but I do know hes had a girlfriend (long distance relationship thats now over AFAIK) and perhaps hes just said it in a joking maner, the fact I have feelings for him totally clouds my judgement and makes me want to think hes gay/bi in order to give myself a chance (hope you can relate to this). I only see three ways to go forward from this, tell him im bi/gay and have feelings for him, outing myself when I'm not ready. Have a party invite him both get stupidly drunk and make a move and see how he reacts, again outing myself in the process. Or keep my feelings bottled up and dont rock the boat back home when I'm away at uni where I can really do anything I want without anyone back home finding out.
The last thing you want to do is ruin a friendship with someone over nothing, or worse out yourself in an attempt/hope that something will happen then nothing amount from it and you feeling all screwed up and left out in the cold!
They don't say lifes a bitch for nothing

 

[Riverrick]

Come out to him first and deal with that. You may be far ahead of him in accepting yourself if he is gay. Which means even if he IS gay, he may not be ready to come out.

So one thing at a time. If he sticks to being straight, look elsewhere for love.

 

[notsoordinary]

I was actually a little sneaky when telling my best buddy. I told him I was doing this quizz to see how good of a friend he was to me so I gave him a few questions to answer regarding me, and I remember a few of them being "would you still be my friend if I were gay,bi etc" and he wrote something like "um, yeah of course". I know it's not the nicest thing to do but it gave me an answer I was looking for to get the courage to tell him and know I would not loose him as a friend, and he has been just as great as always eversince

Don't know if it'll help but if you feel like doing the same thing maybe why not give it a try?

 

[RicanDAB]

I am lucky enough to have several best friends, which are all from different stages of my life (best friend from high school, best friend from college, best friend from justusboys.com [oh, have not found that one yet ] ... anyway, my high school best friend is ironically gay and if I had to choose a BEST, he would be it only because I am not hiding anything from him in our friendship.

That said, I have my own dilemma similar to the one in this thread. I have another high school friend (who would be 2nd best, but anyway ) who I will calll "G" ... whom I have not told that I am gay. We have not been in as close communication as we like because we have busy lives, and we live over 1000 miles apart. However, I want to tell him about me so that this is not a white elephant in the room any longer. However, I don't know whether he has wondered whether I am gay or not but after 20 years of friendship I don't think he would care ... Take note of the following:

(1) "G" is someone I did have a small crush on while in high school.

(2) "G" and I once wrestled in a bedroom when we were about 16 and I do not recall well whether it was homoerotic (you guys know what I am talking about) as opposed to sporty. Of course I remember getting an erection during the activity and I don't know whether he had one and was good at covering it up.

(3) My gaydar was sounding out around "G", though not as much as with my other best friend (suspicions confirmed 5 years ago when we came out to each other).

(4) "G" has been married for the past 10 years to a lovely woman.

(5) "G" and his wife do not have children and there is no explanation why this has not happened yet - they have a huge beautiful house and have all the comforts to raise a family.

(6) I had a dream a few weeks ago that he and his wife were getting a divorce after a brutal breakup, but the reasons were never revealed.

(7) I have this feeling that after I tell him about me and he says nothing about himself, if he starts calling me or emailing me more often after that, then I sense that he could be unsure about his sexuality and is seeking a familiar outlet.

Anyway, to sum it up. I feel compelled to tell "G" that I am gay because I feel like it would bring us closer together as friends no matter if he is gay or not himself. It's not an issue of wanting to be with him in a relationship - I already have one. However, I suppose I am hoping for more friends from the past to identify with ... make sense?

THANKS in advance for anyone's input and for reading!

 

[Riverrick]

However, I suppose I am hoping for more friends from the past to identify with ... make sense?

Makes sense! I feel the closest around people that I don't have to hide secrets from. And that's all of my secrets - not just being gay.

Sounds like its time. Go for it and good luck to you!

By the way, LOVE the font and color of your text. So much easier to read!

 

[RicanDAB]

Sounds like its time. Go for it and good luck to you!

THANKS for the feedback! I'm looking forward to the event more now.

By the way, LOVE the font and color of your text. So much easier to read!

Glad you like it ... I often get so bored reading posts over and over written in the default font ... at least it's something different

 

[Jeimuzu]

I hadn't noticed we could change it... Hey, this is fun.

Ok, if you're worried about how to word it, you could send him a message of some sort. The wording comes much better in that case, rather than a garbled "I'm gay" and gives them less chance to butt in and say "Is that all you were worrying about?" as you were talking about, which makes you feel a bit stupid. It's easier when people just listen, rather than just butting in with comforting statements. It entirely ruins the planned speech when they do that, and that's more disturbing than just being allowed to say your piece.

That's how I'm about to come out (In a matter of minutes, the email's all written, and I just need to send it but I'm delaying, because I am, for want of a less dramatic way of saying it, panicking. )

*sigh* Bugger it... *clicks send*

 

[Soilwork]

Man, I still remember when I had to tell my best friend from college.

I HAD to.

I had accidentally outed myself to my room mate by leaving porn out. My room mate was totaly cool with it, and when he and I went out that night to party with the Freshmen arriving, I got a little drunk and in my elation for having finally told SOMEONE I was gay, I told some guy I'd met at the bar.

Word spread like wild fire and I had to tell my best friend before he found out through the grapevine.

We drove down to the beaches in Toronto and I sat him down and told him that he was going to start hearing rumors that I was gay.

"Like I'd believe that", he said

"Well, you should, because it's true".

There was a bit of shock, some "Why didn't you tell me before?" and some "are you sure" before he looked at me with this totally evil grin on his face and said "so what does cock taste like?"

good friends can get over anything.

 

[Jeimuzu]

There was a bit of shock, some "Why didn't you tell me before?" and some "are you sure" before he looked at me with this totally evil grin on his face and said "so what does cock taste like?"

Hahahahahah!

I can totally imagine that.