Coming out to extended family

[FirePhoenix]

So I got a question for you guys.

Did/Do you not come out to your extended family for fear of how it would effect your immediate family? (mom, dad)




I try my best to cover it up around them... but thinking about it because I feel like I am lying to people that really do not mean anything in my life for no real reason besides not making it weird for my mom.


Anyone else like me and tired of it?

Now your turn...

 

[tonyboy]

So I got a question for you guys.

Did/Do you not come out to your extended family for fear of how it would effect your immediate family? (mom, dad)




I try my best to cover it up around them... but thinking about it because I feel like I am lying to people that really do not mean anything in my life for no real reason besides not making it weird for my mom.


Anyone else like me and tired of it?

Now your turn...

My parents are old (in their 80's)
I see no point in coming out to them.. no reason to.
Besides I think my mother already figued me out.. But she's not said anything and I see no reason to say anything either..

Truth is I've never understood how you could be lying to someone, but cause you don't come out..
Just live your life as you see fit.
If you find someone that you want to be with, well then declare yourself as gay..
Just cause you find guys sexually attractive, well not sure that is lying.

If you are truly tired of hiding your sexuality man, then by all means... announce yourself to all the world..
May make you feel better, not sure how it would make some of those that love you feel..

It's only up to you my friend.
It's not always about US is it? sometimes it's about those that love us and care for us.
I don't know your situation other than what you wrote ^..
In my case, well I don't intend to share my homosexuality with my parents..

Maybe one day with my two brothers and sister, but truth is I don't know what good that would do either.
I'm not looking for a mate/partner..
Hell had enough sexuall encounters in my past.. but never wanted a LTR..
If you do want a LTR.. well then perhaps you should fess up.. otherwise.. keep it to yourself.
Just my thoughts..
Best to you.

 

[bendted]

I agree with what tonyboy said.

I'm 52, never had a girlfriend or been married and I had never shown any interest of any kind to the weaker sex so if they can't figure it out it then it really dosen't matter. Truth of the matter is that everyone I'm sure already knows, so whatever.

 

[BearBoi]

Members of my extended family are gay/lesbian, so it would not be a huge deal.

That said, I don’t associate with my extended family, so I’ve not bothered. I think the last time I saw any of them was nearly 3-4 years ago. If I were to join something like FaceBook (many of them are members) I'd have no problem listing myself as gay and posting comments that indicated my sexuality.

 

[Lube]

So I got a question for you guys.

Did/Do you not come out to your extended family for fear of how it would effect your immediate family? (mom, dad)




I try my best to cover it up around them... but thinking about it because I feel like I am lying to people that really do not mean anything in my life for no real reason besides not making it weird for my mom.


Anyone else like me and tired of it?

Now your turn...

So you're saying your mother is ashamed of you? Is that what you're saying? 'Cause that's what it sounds like you're saying.

If she's not ashamed of you, then it's your issue, not hers. Don't blame her if it's not her fault.

 

[Lube]

I have the exact same situation on my dad's side. I really don't know what to do about it. I only see them on holidays, so I don't see the point. At the same time, the situation really irks me because I don't respect most of them. Quite a few of them are horrible bigots. Part of me wants to just shout, "I'm a queer, now put that in your pipe and smoke it you backwards fuckers!" while storming out.

But all I'd do is make things awkward for my dad and grandmother. :c

Are they embarrassed to be bigots?

Apparently not.

So why are you embarrassed to be gay?

 

[FirePhoenix]

So you're saying your mother is ashamed of you? Is that what you're saying? 'Cause that's what it sounds like you're saying.

If she's not ashamed of you, then it's your issue, not hers. Don't blame her if it's not her fault.

oh no my mom is not ashamed of me... just that she is still a bit uneasy about me being gay. I mentioned just telling them the next time they hide behind a bible and damn everyone that is different and she just kinda paused and told me I probably shouldn't since I barely have to see them anyway.

But really this last time it was because my mom wanted some pictures my cousin had on his facebook and my mom said hey give him your account so you can talk to each other and I told him I never used it which is a total lie and again my mom paused when i told her why... like it was a surprise.

Everyone that really matters in my life knows that I am gay. Just that my mom's family matters to her and I don't want her to feel weird around them.

I would be happier though, no more questions about whether my friends are my girlfriend or when i'll get one and make my parents grandparents. I know I really should but hell I should do it up right. Should I go in drag to the christmas party? and does anyone have a sequined dress I could borrow?

 

[ibill1]

When we feel in love at 17 it was just obvious to anyone near us when we were together. A few members of our family asked us but most just knew and treated us like a couple with nothing ever being said. We never actually "came out" to anybody, we just decided to let them figure it out on their own, which they did. We remained very close to our families and I still remain in contact with his brothers even after his passing. Now a days it seems imperative for young gay guys to come out and that's cool. I think I would do like we did back then and just live my life like I wanted to. If someone asks, then fine.

 

[Lube]

Huh? Who says I'm embarrassed?

Because you're worried about it being awkward for your father.

There's nothing awkward about being gay.

Not unless you're embarrassed about it.

Would you worry about it being awkward for your father that you're left handed?

 

[Lube]

oh no my mom is not ashamed of me... just that she is still a bit uneasy about me being gay. I mentioned just telling them the next time they hide behind a bible and damn everyone that is different and she just kinda paused and told me I probably shouldn't since I barely have to see them anyway.

But really this last time it was because my mom wanted some pictures my cousin had on his facebook and my mom said hey give him your account so you can talk to each other and I told him I never used it which is a total lie and again my mom paused when i told her why... like it was a surprise.

Everyone that really matters in my life knows that I am gay. Just that my mom's family matters to her and I don't want her to feel weird around them.

I would be happier though, no more questions about whether my friends are my girlfriend or when i'll get one and make my parents grandparents. I know I really should but hell I should do it up right. Should I go in drag to the christmas party? and does anyone have a sequined dress I could borrow?

That sounds fabulous.

In terms of your mom, though...

Well, she's not uneasy because she's proud of you, is she? So where does that uneasiness come from?

 

[NYCDude]

i came out to my parents and it wasn't smooth going. the fact that i had a very decent boyfriend at the time helped. (they think all gays are getting aids while drugged out in gay bars. off the boat immigrants, i can't blame them too much) but they have been good and my guy had been over for holidays and stuff but the extended family don't know. it would be awkward for my family. we just got to a good spot and i don't want to regress

 

[Lube]

It seems to me that you are putting words in his mouth. He said he didn't want it to be awkward for his father.

Left handedness is a bad analogy. Left handedness is not looked upon the same way as being gay.

Yes, but that's what I'm driving at.

Being gay is the same thing as being left handed (it's inborn, and at least partly genetic, and essentially irreversible). But it's not perceived that way, by some people.

So my point is, if he agrees that it's awkward for his father, he's essentially agreeing that it's something to be ashamed about. At a minimum, he's not conveying that acceptance to his father.

Sure, only a jerk intentionally makes his father's life awkward, but it's not his responsibility to make it smooth sailing, either.

 

[Lube]

No, no, you misunderstood. My extended family, by and large, do not know.

My father knows, and he's perfectly cool with it - nothing awkward at all. His mother (my grandmother) also knows, as does one of my 9 cousins on that side of the family - likewise, there is no tension with either of them.

I'm worried about the situation being awkward when his family finds out because his siblings/in-laws would blast him for it. My cousin has already assured me that his douchebag bigot of a father is going to flip out if/when he finds out, and will grill my dad about "why he let me choose to be/turn out gay."

Between that and my grandmother, I kind of worry about the whole issue causing a huge rift in my dad's family.

My aunts/uncles totally deserve any fallout, but I have a hard time spurring that on my dad and grandmother when I don't really see those people but 2-3 times a year, anyway.

My personal feeling is that you are giving in to them. They are allowed to be assholes to your father but you're not allowed to be honest to the world?

What's wrong with that picture?


I'm sure your father and grandmother dealt with a lot worse in their long lives.

 

[Lube]

Personally, I find it admirable that one is willing to go to lengths to prevent an awkward/uncomfortable situation between other family members. Doing, or in this case not doing something for someone else purely for their sake is a good thing imo.
Of course that could be because I do it too.

I'm out to everyone I associate with, but family members I never/rarely see, why bother? It's not like it's a big deal and it helps keep the peace for some that do have to deal with them on a daily basis.

any of that make sense?

In my opinion, you're the third person in this thread making the same mistake.

You make your life miserable, or at least unhappy, just to please a bunch of assholes.

Why do they get to be happy and you don't?

In what universe does that logic make sense?

 

[Lube]

No, you're the one making the mistake in assuming I'm unhappy.
Actually, I'm quite happy with myself and who I am.
What reason could I possibly have to make life more difficult (for lack of a better word) for someone else, especially when that someone else is a person I love?

Sure, maybe some of my distant relatives are assholes, but if they get along with my immediate family why ruin it for say, my mom when it just isn't necessary?

Read the italicized lines in my siggie.

 

[Lube]

^Yes, I know what you're saying.

But standing up for yourself is a lot different than not saying someone is ugly. That's all.

Don't sell yourself short. I'm sure you're a wonderful guy.

Let the world know it. Don't hold back.

 

[ibill1]

In my opinion, you're the third person in this thread making the same mistake.

You make your life miserable, or at least unhappy, just to please a bunch of assholes.

Why do they get to be happy and you don't?

In what universe does that logic make sense?

Exactly. I don't understand the logic of not wanting to upset people who in reality don't like you. To the OP, your dedication to your fathers wellbeing is admirable and I would feel the same way, but he's a big boy and can deal with it. Does he care what these people think of his son? My dad would have told them to get bent. No one messed with his 5 boys and he made us feel that he had our backs our whole lives. He was the greatest man I have ever known. He told more people that 2 of his sons were gay than we did, and proud of it. This may not be possible in your situation, but just tell them if you want to or do like I did and let them figure it out on their own. I'm flabbergasted that they would give your dad shit over you being gay. What the hell did he have to do with it? I'm sorry, but I have no use for people like this in my life, no matter how close of a relative they are.

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

I've been wondering this for a while. My extended family is pretty close with my immediate. I feel like they will find out when the time is right. If I only saw them on special occassions it would be a little different, but my family is large and pretty close.

 

[DJ1990]

I'm sorry but if you live on your own and are able to support yourself...you are a loser for not coming out.
I am moving out in a few weeks...and my homophobic parents will know. This is America.
Today my dad said he wishes he could take off the head of every fagg....and he's said many other sick things before like how when he was young whenever they found a gay animal they cut it's throat.
You think I am going to keep my homosexuality secret from this stupid asshole? I can't wait for him to find out his own son is a big super gay faggot.

It's not like it's Saudi Arabia and you will get killed publicly for being gay.
Yes there is a point in coming out. There is so many gays hiding what they are because they don't "see the point". That's bullshit. When your family knows they have somebody who is gay in their family it changes things. There is so many homophobes who never think their children could be gay...and they never find out what their children really are...it's so disgusting.

There is so many countries in the world where gays are despised....all you people do is slow down progress and evolution in these shitty countries by not being brave enough to come out to everyone.
I think all of you who are keeping it secret are worse than homophobes...when I see people like you all I see is those gay guys in the middle east being hanged and all other hell gays go through every day.

 

[Kensei]

A persons sexual orientation to a certain sex is part of their existance. It's like that for all humans. All 6+ billion of them.

It's your existance. Remember that. The hardest part is getting others to understand that.