Coming out to friend that opposes gay rights

[bort138]

One of my very close and lifelong friends is very religious and on his way to becoming a pastor. He is my only close friend that I have not come out to yet. Throughout my life he has almost been like a brother to me and I consider him as family. We've kind of grown apart these last few years as he has become more involved in his church and I'm not sure if or when I should come out to him. I know for a fact he voted to overturn the "everything but marriage" bill here in Washington state that passed a few years ago and am pretty sure he'll vote against marriage equality if it goes to the ballot this fall.

I would like to remain friends but I feel coming out to him would make our relationship awkward. Has anyone had experiences coming out to friends or relatives that oppose gay rights? Is it possible to come out and remain friends with someone who opposes gay rights? What should I do?

 

[guyfromNY]

It sounds to me like your friendship and closeness is built on a lie. If you care about him as a friend, tell him the truth and if he has a problem with it, let him go to hell. Honestly, it would be absolutely impossible for me to be close with someone who opposes gay rights because it is not just a political ideology but who we are as people.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Tell him now. It will only get harder for him to accept you the further your friendship becomes distant and estranged.

 

[swerve]

Either end your friendship, or be HONEST with him...

Neither alternative is acceptable...

To HIM -- OR -- to YOU...

That MAY seem DIFFICULT for you to do -- but I've found that being honest with EVERYONE and ANYONE lessens unnecessary complications in life...

I practice this to a FAULT...

 

[sixthson]

I think there is a chance he might surprise you. Afterall, a true Christian and a lifelong friend will love you no matter what. Give him a chance. There are lots of Christians who believe homosexuality is a sin, but they still love the gay people in their lives. I know.

 

[Rolyo85]

You're thinking about this the wrong way. Your situation is not negotiable and cannot be changed. His is and can be. Your friendship is only a real friendship if he likes you for who YOU are. If he shuns you, then you know how little he cares about you. Religion is a flimsy excuse at best for shunning a lifelong friend.

Also, if there's a chance that you might sway him from voting against us, why not take it?

 

[Darted]

If you feel like you really want to keep him as a friend and you DO want to come out and be honest with him, then do it. If he doesn't accept it, you don't need him in your life. Believe it or not, you'll find new better friends than him in your near future if you put yourself out there.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Bort138,

I fully agree with #6 that your situation is not negotiable and cannot be changed. I assume that you are aware that this is the case. On the other hand, he can change his situation, as he was not born as a christian.

Religion is aquired behaviour, and I would tell him as soon as possible that you are gay, just like you have told this to your other friends. What was the reaction of your other friends? Do they shun you, since they are aware that you are gay? Or do you see that the friendship is becoming better, because they now know more about the real Bort138?

So what is this for kind of church where your friend wants to become a pastor? Is is some sort of relifundi church of people who disown / shun gay / bi / lesbian people, and who are strong against same-sex marriage? Or is is a church where all people are welcome, and a church which supports same-sex marriage?

So you are an adult, and you are gay, and you have decided to live as an open gay. That's good and great, and I hope you will live a happy life.

Straight guys who are your -close- friends for already a very long time will not change their behaviour to you when it becomes clear that you are gay. That's why they are your friends. Otherwise, you have to conclude that they were not real friends. And then its better to finish this friendship. So its up to him. When he cannot handle the reality that you are gay (and living as an open gay), then its impossible that he is one of your good friends. Do you have any idea about his ideas about gay people, about gay rights, about human rights in particular?

So I would like to advise you to be honest to him. You are a gay guy, you have already told most of your friends you are gay (and all are cool with it?), and you want to live a happy life as an open gay. So then its up to him what to do with this information.

People who want to become a pastor must be able to cope with this kind of questions. Lets assume he is pastor and one of the families in his church has a son of 17 who is gay. So how will he will cope with this situation? Why not ask him such a question (and see how he is reacting)?

Finally, I already think that you have decided for yourself that the friendship with this guys has been changed since he became active in this church.

And somehow I have the idea that this church is a church of people who can be classified as reli-fundi's (meaning people who don't like gay people). Well, and you don't want to belong to such a group of narrow-minded people, do you?

Take care & best wishes. Please keep us informed.

 

[lambdaboy]

I would come put and then loose him or listen to God Loves you not your sin bullshit.

One thing about coming out those who love you will always love you those who don't don't

 

[Seasoned]

This friendship is hurting you whether or not you realize it because it is unequal. Each time you're with him you sacrifice a part of who you are. A lot of us have done this and I think it's because we have thought about our homosexuality in a negative light. Just because heteros are in the majority shouldn't make us feel inferior. You have as much right to the planet as he does and it's ignorance and a misunderstanding of Christianity that tolerates or even encourages suppression. I'd come out and let the chips fall where they may. It's your self esteem and self worth that's at stake. Good luck.

 

[chance1]

Last year I went to a marriage equality forum at Columbia University. There was a panel where the topic was discussed and lots of data was shared. The short version of what I took from it is:

* Those who strongly oppose gay marriage either do so for legitimate (or so they think) religious reasons OR because they're OLD - 55+ and the idea of two men or two women having sex or being married is just a lot for them to handle

that as the population changes and literally these 55+ ers expire ............ we will be left with a large majority supporting gay marriage as in their lives, it's just no biggie

sorry for the ramble but what i really wanted to share was an anecdote given by Christine Quinn, who is basically the # 2 most powerful politician in NYC (next to Mayor Bloomberg) and is the odds on favorite to succeed him. She is a lesbian, partnered and a wonderful spokesperson for the gay community

she shared a story about a 60ish woman in Staten Island who was opposed to gay marriage and equality

this woman discovered that her niece was gay - a niece that she loved dearly

it completely changed her POV - if her niece who was a wonderful person, a girl she had known her whole life as being good to others, etc. - how could she oppose the idea of her niece's life as being as great as possible

the idea that IF you know someone who you respect, love, admire, etc. - who is gay - then how can you oppose their right to happiness?

so ......

tell him - i know it's tough - you're worried about the response

he may surprise you - i think he might - and perhaps his initial reaction will not be what you want BUT

i have to believe that at a minimum you will give him something to think about - something he might struggle with - but will make him more aware

at a maximum, he will come around quickly as he will know who you really are - how it's part of who you are being gay - and your relationship with him will take on a new and much better level

good luck

 

[palbert]

Be honest and forthright with him. It will be an opportunity for him to learn and grow. Your situation is non-negotiable because it is only a definition; his is negotiable:he has to find his conscience and reconcile your circumstance in a religious context.

 

[wikke1]

I come from a very religious Catholic European ( "from the movies" I sense that European religion is a bit less radical than US ) family.
Struggled a long time coming out.
My (even old) family members, some even being priests/nuns all reacted positively.
They like me for me. Point final.
I think/hope from the bottom of my heart it will be an en-rich-ing (??) experience for both of you, an your firendship.

 

[ibill1]

Last year I went to a marriage equality forum at Columbia University. There was a panel where the topic was discussed and lots of data was shared. The short version of what I took from it is:

* Those who strongly oppose gay marriage either do so for legitimate (or so they think) religious reasons OR because they're OLD - 55+ and the idea of two men or two women having sex or being married is just a lot for them to handle
that as the population changes and literally these 55+ ers expire ............ we will be left with a large majority supporting gay marriage as in their lives, it's just no biggie

sorry for the ramble but what i really wanted to share was an anecdote given by Christine Quinn, who is basically the # 2 most powerful politician in NYC (next to Mayor Bloomberg) and is the odds on favorite to succeed him. She is a lesbian, partnered and a wonderful spokesperson for the gay community

she shared a story about a 60ish woman in Staten Island who was opposed to gay marriage and equality

this woman discovered that her niece was gay - a niece that she loved dearly

it completely changed her POV - if her niece who was a wonderful person, a girl she had known her whole life as being good to others, etc. - how could she oppose the idea of her niece's life as being as great as possible

the idea that IF you know someone who you respect, love, admire, etc. - who is gay - then how can you oppose their right to happiness?

so ......

tell him - i know it's tough - you're worried about the response

he may surprise you - i think he might - and perhaps his initial reaction will not be what you want BUT

i have to believe that at a minimum you will give him something to think about - something he might struggle with - but will make him more aware

at a maximum, he will come around quickly as he will know who you really are - how it's part of who you are being gay - and your relationship with him will take on a new and much better level

good luck

I'm over 55 and this is utter bull****. I have straight friends over 55 who do not think this way. I have been acquainted with many under 45 who do. If you think as we die off your life is going to get easier, think again.

 

[Rolyo85]

And because you don't fit the criteria and you have friends who don't, that makes a perfectly valid point "utter bullshit"? The generational difference exists. It's there. Every research has proved it. It is not "utter bullshit" just because it doesn't apply to everyone. Nothing ever does.

 

[ibill1]

From the Pew research firm in support of gay marriage:

77% under 30
57% 30-49
55% 50-65

Two precentage point between 30 and 65 is hardly going to make a difference. Research polls prove nothing.

 

[Rolyo85]

The difference between 30 and 50 is nowhere near as relevant as the one between 30 and under 30. That's the generation change.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Any updates, bort?

 

[Wet-Monkey]

It sounds to me like your friendship and closeness is built on a lie. If you care about him as a friend, tell him the truth and if he has a problem with it, let him go to hell. Honestly, it would be absolutely impossible for me to be close with someone who opposes gay rights because it is not just a political ideology but who we are as people.

agree! - with family not choice

chose friends ... never was real friend not know real you

 

[bort138]

I agree that our friendship has been built on a lie and being an atheist and gay, I don't think it could ever really work out. He's married and is expecting a child soon so if anything he will be busy with that. I miss the close friendship that we had but as people grow older, move away and start their own families you can't expect to remain as close to them as you were when you were younger. I hope we can still keep in touch from time to time but I need to accept that our friendship will never be like it was before. I'll come out to him someday but where our relationship is now I'm not ready yet.