Coming out to my parents

[dhchitown1984]

I'm 26 years old, and all my life I've told myself that I would come out when I was ready... I didn't know when that would be, but I would always know when that time "wasn't."

I've always felt the weight of hiding on my shouders... as I'm sure everybody here has. But in the past six months or so, I've been feeling that weight "move around." I'm ready to stand on the weight, instead of the weight stand on me.

My parents are the ones I'm most fearful of coming out to. I'm not sure how my mom will react, so I'm trying to approach that with an open mind, but I've got good reason to believe the relationship between my father and I will be basically over. His brother is gay, and they haven't spoken in about 20 years. I didn't even know I had an Uncle who lived in California until I was about 17. After finding out about this unkown gay uncle, I really went into this state of blaming my dad on my being gay... I figured it was Karma's way of being a total bitch and giving my dad a gay son because he was so cold and unaccepting of his brother. Granted, that was almost 10 yeas ago, and my attitude has changed greatly.

I'm so proud of who I am, I'm proud of the accomplishments I've acheived in my life, and I'm ready to have a more honest relationship with my parents by letting them know who I really am.

I couldn't attend the Pride parade where I live yesterday because I had to work, but I got home and decided it's time to sit down with my parents. I decided it would be best to write them a letter, but read it aloud to them. That way, I can say what needs to be said without fear of interruption, and I can also save it as my own "Declaration of Independence!" haha

I'm so excited to live my life without keeping secrets. I've never felt so happy to be me in 26 years. I haven't really had any gay friends, which is why I just had to share my excitement with people that have been where I'm at. I've been reading these boards for a few years now, and everyone's support on here for each other is astounding.

 

[btiger]

Hey... I'm going through the exact same thing. I'm 29 and have felt the same way. I've recently made several gay friends and they are awesome. I also went to Pride yesterday and had a great time. When I got home last night, I decided it was finally time to come out. I've told a few people today and it has all been positive. But, like you, I have no idea when I'm going to be able to tell my parents.

I have a pretty good idea of how it will go and am pretty sure they will ultimately be accepting. I'm going to email them since I live ten hours away. I do get to visit but this gives me a chance to say what I want to say the way I want to say it. It'll also give my parents some time to deal with it before I visit them. I also told my sister this morning and she was cool with it and said she could help my parents deal if need be.

Anyway, good luck to you. I know how you feel!

 

[rareboy]

Go for it.

And get in touch with your uncle.

And give your parents some literature from PFLAG so that they see that they're not alone in going through the experience.

 

[heartfly77]

What a coincidence. I was 26 when I finally decided to tell my parents. And like you, I was the most worried about telling my parents.

I kind of chickened out a bit. I came out to my sister first. I asked her to kind of tell my Mom. Then my mom called me after. But she still wanted me to tell her myself. That was so hard. But in the end, she told me that she could never stop loving me even if she wanted to; I was her son and will always be her son. So all was good with my Mom. Then my mom told me my dad. Then he called me. Surprisingly, he told me that as long as I was happy, he didn't care.

It kind of made me kick myself for torturing myself all those years. But my parents probably would have had different responses had I come out sooner. They too have grown and become more open-minded throughout the years.

I wish you all the best! Hopefully your dad will surprise you too.

 

[dhchitown1984]

Thanks to all of you for your kind words. I haven't sent the letter to my parents yet, but I got in touch with three people, most notably, my gay uncle who I never had the opportunity to really get to know... thanks to my dad's intolerance. I've asked if he would be comfortable telling me his story, and I hope he responds soon.

The support out in the cyber-world is incalculable. Thanks!

 

[soiram]

Congrats on deciding to come out! It's certainly a big step, but an important and liberating one! I'm sure you will not regret it.

However, am I the only one who thinks that coming out to your parents should be done in person? I feel that an email/letter is so impersonal and cold. I would definitely wait and tell them in person, when you next visit them. As for your dad, I wouldn't be so sure that your relationship will be finished. It might be that he is actually regretting cutting off his brother like that and this will be his chance to attone. And anyway, a brother and a son are two completely different things.

My coming out to my mother, although not planned, was OK. She had the standard questions (e.g., are you sure it's not a phase?). She then actually told my dad (who, afterwards I learned, cried his eyes out...the poor guy). For a long time the topic was not mentioned again. Recently my mother has started asking me if I have anyone (in Greek "anyone" can be denoted as masculine) in my life. I was actually surprised and pleased that she seems to have accepted the situation and wants to be involved! So all is well

 

[hijodelaestrella]

There have been times when I've just wanted to blurt it out... and I always stop just short of doing it. One day soon, damit, it's gonna happen.

 

[Lube]

Did you hear from your uncle? Did you tell your parents? We're dying to know!

 

[conrad]

May I offer a slightly different point of view. I never did come out to my parents or to anybody else.

My parents were great. They were very proper in dealing with all my friends. Surely they must have sensed that these "friends" were much more to me than friends. Yet they did not probe and I did not tell.

To summarize: I had three sexual long term relatonships with men and two sexual long terem realstionships with women before I married.

Today, as a very much older man, I know that I have been and probably always will be attracted by sexually atractive persons of both sexes. I have not had sex with any of my former partners, nor any other person beside my dear wife. I have always been a loyal partner. I know that life is choices and I have made mine and I have managed to be happy with those choices.

Incidentally all of my former partners are still living and they remain my dear and loving friends. We just don't have sex together anymore.

 

[dhchitown1984]

Hi Lube! Yes, I did hear from my uncle! However, I haven't told my parents just yet. I've decided to strengthen my circle of gay friends, instead of gay friends-with-benefits, before coming out to my family. I just feel that I would prefer a more local support system who can understand where I'm coming from when that situation comes up. My letter is drafted, which I still do plan on reading to them aloud... just want to make sure I say everything the right way.

About my Uncle.... it was great connecting with him! I sent him a message on Facebook, and he responded so positively! He definitely urged me not to use the bad relationship he had with my father as a reason to hide this part of myself from him (and my mom too). I had heard that he had a boyfriend, but never knew any information.... little did I know that this past 4th of July was their 19th Anniversary! He urged me to fly out and visit him and meet his partner. I definitely hope to be able to do that soon! It was so great to hear from him, and he definitely encouraged me to think about my future relationship with my parents and family, instead of worrying about what's happened in my past. I'll let you know when I tell my parents!

 

[QuinnRider]

I feel so happy for you, you never know, your dad may come around once you tell him, and perhaps your uncle and father will become close again after all this time, that would be really lovely

 

[rainman256]

I hope it goes well for you when you tell your parents. I remember after telling my parents, I felt like I was on cloud nine on the way home that night. I even stopped at Starbucks and bought a celebratory cup of coffee, and a coffee mug. That way whenever I use the mug, I'll remember that night. And I use the mug every day

It did feel like a load of bricks was unloaded from my back, and I was finally able to reveal to the world who I really was, and I didn't have to hide my true self anymore.

I wish you luck and hope it goes well!

 

[PokerFace]

Writing a letter sounds great that way they can't just throw questions at you which would make it harder trying to defend and explain yourself at the same time some things might overlap and come out sounding completely different to how it did in your head, just let them know what ur reading is important to you and they should wait until your finished to ask any questions that way their more likely to ask questions relating to the letter and considering you wrote it you'll already have the perfect answers sorted out in ur head. Congratulations by the way i must remember this post when i eventually come out myself, thanks. Good luck .

 

[dhchitown1984]

Thanks PokerFace! Thats exactly why I want to put it in a letter.... to make sure I say what I need to say before the "uuhhs" "uumms" and "well...."'s start! I'll send you a Private Message with the general context of my letter that I have, and if you like it, you can use it as a structuring tool. Best of luck!

 

[ziliphin01]

You could always take your mum out to dinner and tell her straight up.. Let her tell the dad. A letter seems so dump and run. Just my opinion :-\ Gets the job done at least

 

[cornholio]

^He did say he wants to read it out loud to them. I think that sounds like a good plan

Anyways, I don't think there's a right way to do it. just do you, your way, your time. if that involves sending a letter, fine, I guess.

I wrote an open letter on the internet, aiming mainly at my sisters and friends. I was in a foreign country that time, and honestly I needed the distance to find the courage, and it gave me the opportunity to sort my thoughts and not to have to answer the same questions over and over again.

But also I must say, the ongoing distance afterwards made it easier for me, made me feel secure, but now that everything went well (meaning I'm just much more comfortable with my sexuality) I kind of regret not being there to see everyone's reaction. It would have been entertaining (all those gay jokes I missed.. damnit!)

But before going abroad I did come out to my parents in person, and it was very memorable. I was a mess, crying and shit lol. But their reaction was totally unexpected and rather positive. One year later they still struggle, but who am I to judge? I had struggled the eight years before myself. But all in all they try to be very supportive.

Actually Monday next week will be my one year coming out anniversary (to my parents) and I will be so wasted celebrating

So, good luck to you and the others! Hopefully it will get easier for everyone year by year!

 

[slnattak]

Yeah. It does feel nice when the straights accept us. I just wish the gay community's focus was different.

We all care about what straight people think of us more than gay people, and treat our own kind like shit too much. I think it's more important to 'come out' to your own kind then it is to straight people. Straight people no matter how far along they come, would still 'sell us down a river' given half a chance. It's a battle we have to win our own, so I think all this 'we're all in this together' thing is crappy and too idealistic.

I get that straight people are the reason I exist and it's in the majority and they always will probably have the most power, but it's just insecurity to me to always be caring about what they think. Do I really need their love to know my own worth?

(these are just my insights. You can disagree. But really, I still think straight people are what's wrong with the world and not gay people. Even though we 'came out of them' so to speak.)

 

[AsianDream]

Western guys are lucky they have the possibility of "coming out" to their family.

I'm in a western country at the moment - and am very openly gay here.

Back in Hong Kong none of my family or friends (except the Gay ones) have any idea. Also culturally - me being homosexual would be totally unacceptable - and would bring great shame (at least in their eyes) to my family.

But my visits back home are really stressful - especially one of my "Aunties" who always asks me if Ive met any nice girls

I'm luckier than some of my gay friends who come from SE Asian countries where being gay is actually illegal. Several of these have "invented" girlfriends to tell their families about while they are overseas.

 

[kennny88]

Iam 22, and I knew I was gay sence I was 14 and all this time I did tell anybody. Be truthful about Iam afraid myself that my family will think different of me. So based on whats going on with me, just dont tell anybody. (I know you want be honest with your family) but sometimes to keep peace just be quiet about it. If something happens its not garantee that you will find your uncle. If you managed to locate your uncle maybe sense you both been thrown out of the family sort of speak bond with him. Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck.

 

[PokerFace]

Thanks for replying. It was very much appreciated .